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  • - Welcome to "The Daily Show: Global Edition."

  • I'm Roy Wood, Jr., host of the award-winning "CP Time."

  • And in honor of Black History Month,

  • Trevor has asked me to introduce the show.

  • But before we begin, some news out of Spain,

  • where authorities have shut down an international criminal gang

  • that trafficked in stolen cardboard.

  • So now if you want a huge amount of cardboard,

  • you'll just have to buy something from Amazon.

  • Thanks for somehow shipping me that wristwatch

  • in five separate boxes.

  • Here are this week's headlines.

  • ♪♪

  • - Let's kick it off with the big news: Equifax.

  • Some people know them as a credit reporting agency.

  • Others know them as a player hater

  • that stops you from buying your couch.

  • Well, you may remember that they were at the heart

  • of a massive data hack and now we're finding out

  • how it all went down.

  • - Good evening. It was one of the biggest

  • cyberattacks in history,

  • stealing the personal information

  • of nearly half of all Americans,

  • from our Social Security numbers to birth dates.

  • Now, in a stunning announcement,

  • the U.S. Justice Department

  • is accusing a branch of the Chinese military

  • with the 2017 hack of the credit rating company Equifax.

  • - The Chinese team hid their tracks

  • by using 34 servers in nearly 20 countries.

  • The FBI believes China also hacked Marriott,

  • the U.S. government's personnel office,

  • and insurance giant Anthem

  • as it builds a massive database on every American.

  • - That's right-- China is allegedly stealing

  • people's private information

  • to build a massive database on every American.

  • And you know somewhere right now Mark Zuckerberg is like,

  • "Back off, China, that's my thing."

  • But seriously, though, I don't-- I don't understand this.

  • Like, China is beating the U.S. in everything now.

  • Why would they steal Americans' information?

  • Unless it's just to rub it in everyone's faces, you know?

  • It's just like, "Ha, ha! I know the answers

  • "to your security questions. Your first car was a Kia?

  • What a bitch!"

  • What's even weirder is that they say

  • China also may have hacked Marriott.

  • And, I mean, I get credit agencies, insurance companies

  • and the government, but why are they hacking hotels?

  • What, are they just gonna tank the U.S. economy

  • by adding charges to the minibar?

  • Is that what they're doing? No, 'cause let's be honest--

  • like, everyone is just three Toblerones away from bankruptcy.

  • We're out. Those minibars don't play.

  • And I know some people are saying that China's doing this

  • so that they can steal Americans' identities.

  • Yeah, but if that's true, the joke's on them,

  • because half of Americans are in debt, yeah.

  • So if the Chinese steal those identities, it's gonna backfire.

  • It's like, "I am Bryan Taylor now."

  • It's like, "Okay, Bryan Taylor, you owe Verizon $400."

  • "Nooo!"

  • All right, moving on to some education news.

  • Every public school struggles to raise money

  • for its students and teachers.

  • But a fundraiser at one elementary school in California

  • might have backfired.

  • - Disney sent a $250 bill

  • to a California elementary school

  • after it showed last year's remake of "The Lion King"

  • at a PTA fundraiser.

  • On Thursday, a Berkeley elementary school

  • received a letter from Disney's licensing agent

  • and the letter ordered the school to pay the money

  • for screening the movie last November without a license.

  • - The Disney place wanted some money

  • because they own, like, all of the movie.

  • - They showed the movie that they own,

  • so they want the 250 dol--

  • Well, kin-- They kind of want the $250.

  • - Oh, no, young man.

  • Disney doesn't "kinda" want the $250,

  • Disney's gonna get the $250.

  • Yeah, right now, somewhere Yoda is like,

  • "My money bitch better have."

  • So, yeah, Disney sent a $250 bill

  • to an elementary school for showing "The Lion King."

  • Meanwhile, the producers of "Cats" are giving $250

  • to every school that shows their film.

  • "Please, play the movie, play the movie. Please.

  • You can use this instead of spanking the kids."

  • "We're not monsters."

  • Now, I'm, like... This is what's get...

  • I'm sure there are many schools in America

  • that play Disney movies and don't get busted.

  • So what I want to know is...

  • Who snitched? Huh?

  • Is there, like, one kid who had one of those toy phones

  • that calls Mickey Mouse directly and was just like,

  • "Mickey, I got some valuable information."

  • Mickey was like, "Oh, oh, I'm on the way!

  • I'm gonna break some kneecaps!"

  • It's like, who is this kid?

  • All right. And, finally, Valentine's Day

  • is just three days away. So, first of all,

  • if you were planning to break up with someone, too late.

  • Now you have to wait another week.

  • But if you've already been broken up with,

  • here's a little gift you can get for your ex.

  • - Valentine's Day fast approaching,

  • and we have the perfect idea for a very unique gift

  • for a way to get back at an ex.

  • The Bronx Zoo is once again letting people

  • name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after their partner.

  • That gift'll only cost you 15 bucks.

  • If you're looking for a way to feel better

  • about a recent breakup, zoos in San Antonio

  • and El Paso, Texas, will name a cockroach after your ex.

  • Then-- check this out-- you can watch a livestream

  • of that roach being fed to an animal.

  • - Really? (audience hooting, cheering)

  • Really?

  • Man, I feel bad for the cockroaches.

  • They can survive a nuclear war, but they can't survive

  • Alan and Janet's Saturday at Ikea? Really?

  • And I'm sorry, but anyone who does this

  • deserves to get dumped. They deserved it, yeah.

  • Because you clearly don't know how to deal with your feelings.

  • It's like, "Melissa thinks I'm too emotional?

  • Well, I'll show her by making a cockroach die."

  • Also, what a cumbersome way to get revenge on your ex.

  • Like, because they won't know it happened.

  • Right? Unless you tell them.

  • It's not like they're gonna be somewhere, like... (gasps)

  • "Oh, no. A cockroach with my name just died."

  • You're gonna have to call your ex

  • and let them know what you did. Is that the plan?

  • Just be like, "Guess what, Susan?

  • "I named a cockroach after you,

  • then a lizard ate it."

  • It's like, "Uh, okay, Greg.

  • I just had my third kid with the guy I left you for."

  • "Okay, so-- so we're both good then.

  • "Huh. Three kids? Okay, bye.

  • Hello, Bronx Zoo? I need three more cockroaches, please."

  • Also, can we admit that this is a scam

  • that the zoo is running?

  • Buy a roach from them and they'll kill it?

  • No. You can just find a cockroach

  • in your own apartment, yeah,

  • name it after your ex, and then start dating it.

  • All right, that's it for the headlines.

  • Let's move on to our top story.

  • (music and cheering)

  • New Hampshire--

  • it's the state always asking Vermont to do something

  • about the weed smell.

  • But, today, they were the state

  • holding the second Democratic primary.

  • And because, normally, the most exciting thing to do

  • in New Hampshire is watch mountains grow,

  • Election Day gets the people going like nothing else.

  • - After months of campaigning

  • and millions of dollars in TV ads,

  • it all comes down to this,

  • voters here in New Hampshire already heading to the polls.

  • - Overnight in New Hampshire,

  • the first votes were cast in the Granite State.

  • As they've done for decades, the tiny town

  • of Dixville Notch went to the polls at midnight.

  • - We were in Exeter, New Hampshire,

  • at the town hall there.

  • It was beyond capacity.

  • - People have been coming in here all day.

  • They've been lined up since 5:00 a.m. this morning.

  • - They vote for sport here in New Hampshire.

  • - I voted for Warren. - Steyer.

  • - Why? - He's cute.

  • - No, he seems like he can tackle Trump.

  • - I voted for Bernie. - Um, I voted for Amy Klobuchar.

  • - Tell me why. - Uh, I actually went in

  • and eeny-meeny-miny-moe'd it. - You're kidding me.

  • - No, between two candidates. - Literally, in the booth.

  • - In the booth. - Whoa!

  • Eeny, meeny, miny, moe?

  • That's not how you should pick

  • your potential future president,

  • although it is how the president picks

  • his spray tan shade for the day.

  • He's like, "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

  • "Ooh, crème brulee. Sounds fancy.

  • So fancy."

  • So, New Hampshire voters spent the day carefully deciding

  • who they want to be the Democratic nominee.

  • But, of course, none of the votes matter

  • if they aren't counted correctly.

  • (fake coughs) Iowa.

  • Luckily, according to state officials,

  • they've got this thing under control.

  • - New Hampshire Secretary of State Bill Gardner,

  • he told us he slept well last night

  • and today's voting will be simple and secure.

  • - Keep it simple.

  • Keep the moving parts the smallest number you can.

  • - Could this be hacked in any way?

  • - You can't hack a pencil.

  • - How many apps do you have involved in this process?

  • - Oh, oh, we don't have any apps involved

  • in any of the tabulating or the counting.

  • - No apps. - No apps.

  • It's an app-free election.

  • - You can guarantee that? - Yes.

  • - You know, it's funny how, a few years ago,

  • people were like, "Guys, we need to vote with our phones.

  • It's the future." But now, thanks to the disaster in Iowa,

  • it's like, "We're going back

  • "to how our forefathers did this, okay?

  • Everyone gets one rock and we put it in a jar."

  • "Yeah!"

  • "Then our slaves count the rocks."

  • "What?" "Oh, too far back? Too far? Sorry, sorry.

  • Too far back."

  • For more on New Hampshire's big day,

  • we go now to our correspondent who is live

  • in the Granite State right now,

  • Michael Kosta, everybody! (cheering and applause)

  • Michael, you're on the ground in New Hampshire.

  • What is the energy like?

  • - Hey, Trevor, I am not gonna lie.

  • Today's been pretty stressful for the Democratic candidates.

  • In fact, Joe Biden was so tense,

  • he gave himself a surprise massage.

  • You know what I mean? - Well, it makes sense, Kosta,

  • because, thanks to Iowa,

  • there's so much more riding on this primary.

  • - Not only that, but the candidates

  • have had only one week

  • to completely change their cultural messaging.

  • Because Iowa is mostly white people,

  • but New Hampshire is mostly...

  • white people.

  • - Kosta, I don't-- I don't get the difference.

  • It sounds like both states are just a bunch of white people.

  • - Wow, Trevor, "just a bunch of white people"?

  • That is so insulting.

  • First off, it's not a bunch.

  • The collective noun for white people

  • is a gluten of white people.

  • And, second, white people are not a monolith.

  • We are a rich tapestry of ethnic diversity.

  • Let-- let me show you on my Caucasian color wheel, okay?

  • Now, see, the...

  • the New Hampshire white people fall here

  • in the eggshell section,

  • while the Iowa whites are all the way over here

  • in the oatmeal cream section.

  • - Uh, Kosta, that's just basically a blank circle.

  • - (stammers) White is not blank, Trevor.

  • Zero is not nothing.

  • "Free to go" is not "innocent of all charges."

  • Although you do-- you do hear that a lot when you're white.

  • I mean, how-- how would you feel

  • if I said there was no difference between black people

  • in South Africa and black people in... (stammers)

  • What's another country with black people?

  • - Well, there's this one.

  • - (stammers) Thiswan?

  • I never heard of it. But I'm sure Thiswan

  • is a beautiful country!

  • - Okay, look, Kosta, I'm not saying there's no difference.

  • I just don't understand how the candidates

  • campaign differently in New Hampshire versus Iowa.

  • - It's a totally different ball game.

  • For-- for example, in Iowa,

  • you can say, "It's great to be here in Iowa,"

  • but that's not gonna fly in New Hampshire.

  • - Yeah, you're right, that does seem like a challenge.

  • - And then there's the voters. Remember, you're talking

  • to very different groups of people.

  • Iowans are rural,

  • while New Hampshirites are not urban, okay?

  • Iowans... Iowans are blue-collar,

  • but New Hampshirians are working-class.

  • Plus, Iowans call it pop,

  • and New Hampshirinos call it soda.

  • They're-- they're basically different planets.

  • - I don't know about that, Michael.

  • A lot of people don't agree with your assessment.

  • For instance, how would you respond to the criticism

  • that these predominantly white states

  • aren't the best states to kick off the primaries?

  • Because these candidates could be starting

  • in a more representative state of the country,

  • like-- like California or Florida.

  • - I hear what you're saying, Trevor, and yes,

  • Iowa and New Hampshire are white, but hear me out.

  • They're also boring as hell, okay?

  • And that's what we want.

  • We don't want our candidates going to fun states,

  • like Florida or California.

  • If you got to spend a year campaigning in Miami,

  • everyone would be running for president.

  • But if you're willing to spend a year

  • eating bland food in subzero temperatures,

  • pretending to care about how big a pumpkin is,

  • that's how I know you really want to be president, okay?

  • And that's why the road to the White House

  • has to go through here, Des Moines, Iowa.

  • - No, Kosta, you're in New Hampshire.

  • - What? Eh, who cares?

  • These places are all the fuckin' same anyway.

  • - Michael Kosta, everybody. We'll be right back.

  • - Welcome back to "The Daily Show."

  • It's February, which is officially Black History Month.

  • And we're celebrating all month

  • with Roy Wood Jr. honoring the unsung heroes

  • of black history

  • in another episode of "CP Time."

  • (mellow jazz playing)

  • ♪♪

  • - Ah! Welcome to "CP Time,"

  • the only show that's for the culture.

  • Today, we'll be discussing black explorers.

  • Now, I know when a lot of people think of explorers,

  • they only think of white people.

  • Like Christopher Columbus, Lewis and Clark,

  • or that twitchy lady that drives the Magic School Bus.

  • But what many people don't know is that black people

  • have also been instrumental in discovering new lands.

  • We just don't get any of the credit.

  • Like how I discovered the Dougie,

  • and no one gave me credit.

  • I was covered in spiders,

  • and I was just trying to get them off me.

  • (hip-hop playing) And on my head.

  • (music stops)

  • Our first black explorer

  • is a man by the name of Matthew Henson--

  • the first man to reach the North Pol, in 1908.

  • It was an incredible feat,

  • not just because he discovered the North Pole,

  • but also because he was a black man

  • who wasn't afraid of going head-to-head against winter.

  • The only place I would want to discover

  • is Miami.

  • Party in the city where the heat is on

  • Another black explorer

  • who doesn't nearly get the credit he deserves

  • was an enslaved man named York.

  • In 1804, he joined Lewis and Clark

  • on their famous expedition across North America,

  • making him the first black man

  • to travel across the U.S. continent.

  • York was a vital part of the expedition.

  • In fact, he was so trusted,

  • he was even given his own gun.

  • Which was a risky move on Lewis and Clark's part:

  • giving a slave a gun.

  • You know what you call a slave with a gun?

  • Master.

  • Interesting fact: after the expedition,

  • York requested his freedom from Clark,

  • but Clark denied him,

  • because he realized that without York,

  • he would just be another white dude lost in the forest...

  • (whispers): like a bitch.

  • And finally, black people weren't just

  • tagging along with white people on these expeditions,

  • they were also making history themselves.

  • Like Abubakri II,

  • the ruler of the Mali empire.

  • In 1311, Abubakri set off

  • on an expedition westward.

  • Eventually, he landed in Brazil.

  • Abubakri met the native tribes there

  • and made peace with them,

  • and even ended up marrying a chief's daughter,

  • a quest that many men know all too well.

  • Traveling to distant lands

  • for new booty.

  • 'Cause them local girls are too familiar.

  • So the next time you think about explorers,

  • remember not to just give credit to white men

  • who discovered places people already lived-- Columbus.

  • But also give credit to those of the more melanin persuasion

  • who have explored the world.

  • Like my Uncle Bebo,

  • who, in 1990, traveled across the country

  • searching for the Dairy Queen with the best Oreo Blizzard.

  • And we haven't seen him since.

  • That's why every day I honor my Uncle Bebo

  • my eating one of these.

  • We're gonna miss you, Bebo. (grunting)

  • And I'm back.

  • Well, that's all the time we have for today,

  • I'm Roy Wood Jr., and this has been "CP Time."

  • And remember, we're for the culture!

  • Somebody get me some hot tea to balance out this cold.

  • (music and applause)

  • - Roy Wood, Jr., everybody. We'll be right back.

  • - Welcome back to "The Daily Show."

  • The New Hampshire primary gave life

  • to Bernie, Pete, and Amy Klobuchar.

  • But while the New Hampshire giveth, it also taketh away.

  • - The race is getting smaller as of last night's results.

  • We did see the suspension or termination

  • of presidential campaigns

  • by Andrew Yang and Senator Michael Bennet.

  • - Tonight is not gonna be our night,

  • but let me say this to New Hampshire.

  • You may see me once again.

  • - You know I am the math guy.

  • And it is clear tonight from the numbers

  • that we are not going to win this race.

  • We'll be back soon. - Yes!

  • - In the meantime, though, thank you all.

  • God bless you and God bless

  • the United States of America!

  • - I'm not gonna lie.

  • I don't get why candidates always say they'll be back

  • when they know they won't. (light laughter)

  • Now, I know they don't want to seem like a loser,

  • but why not just be honest, you know?

  • Why not just be like, "New Hampshire,

  • you guys are never gonna see me ever again."

  • Like, it's the same problem with movie villains.

  • Even when they're falling off a cliff or a building,

  • at the end they're like, "I'll be back!"

  • No, you won't. No, you won't.

  • Like, it would be nice if they were honest.

  • Just like, "You and your family are safe forever."

  • (laughter)

  • But even though he's gone,

  • Andrew Yang did leave a lasting impression on the 2020 race.

  • Right, his plan for universal basic income made a big splash.

  • And it even had an impact on the real world.

  • You see, he gave several families $1,000 a month

  • for a year to test out his plan.

  • And we sent Ronny Chieng to find out how it went.

  • (Chieng) Yesterday, Andrew Yang dropped out

  • of the 2020 presidential race,

  • and I'm a little sad about it.

  • Last year, I met him in person,

  • and there was just something about the guy

  • that made me trust him.

  • Not to mention, I really

  • wanted that free money he was promising.

  • - Every American adult at the age of 18

  • should get $1,000 a month free and clear

  • from the government to do whatever they want.

  • - Making it rain!

  • It's called "UBI," or "Universal Basic Income."

  • And although the dream died with Yang's campaign,

  • a few lucky families did get a thousand dollars a month

  • for a year as a test program,

  • like the Fassi family of New Hampshire.

  • - Uh, basically, he gave us a check for $1,000 a month

  • from January until December 2019.

  • - We went to his New Year's Eve party,

  • and so that's how we got our first check was at midnight.

  • - He wrote a check and gave it to you physically?

  • - Yeah, and then after probably three months,

  • he was getting really busy.

  • - He forgot about us. - He forgot about us.

  • - What?

  • He didn't... he didn't pay on time?

  • - Yeah. - Yeah, it was very odd,

  • sending out a message like, "Hey, you owe us money."

  • - So you guys were like, "Hey, asshole,

  • where's my free money?"

  • - We said it much... much nicer than that.

  • - Oh. "Hey, asshole, where's my free money?"

  • (laughing) - Basically.

  • (Chieng) So how hard did Chuck and Jodie ball out

  • with that $12,000?

  • Did you buy a Tesla, buy a snowmobile,

  • buy a Tesla snowmobile?

  • - No, we spent 90% of it on our daughter's college tuition.

  • - College tuition. I guess that's pretty good.

  • Uh, what else?

  • - Spent a little bit on groceries,

  • buying some healthier choices.

  • Kombucha and some, uh, soy yogurt.

  • - Isn't yogurt and kombucha for shitting?

  • - Uh... - Digestion.

  • - It's for digestion.

  • - So now that the money stopped,

  • you must be pretty backed up, right?

  • (laughter)

  • But luckily for Chuck's colon, he was so inspired

  • by his UBI experience that he learned

  • how to brew his own kombucha.

  • (seal pops)

  • And it is potent.

  • Cheers. What is it?

  • It's a big blob of bacteria that's been sitting

  • in some fermented tea in my bathroom for about six weeks.

  • - Bathroom juice aside,

  • these people spent their UBI on college,

  • groceries, and paying bills.

  • What a bunch of idiots!

  • It's like they don't even know what flexing means.

  • You guys could be in head to toe Supreme right now.

  • Do you know what Supreme is?

  • - No. - No.

  • - Fuck.

  • That's how you flex to your neighbors

  • and make them jealous. That's what money's for.

  • Okay, Chuck? Okay, Jodie?

  • But believe it or not, balling out is the last thing

  • on most Americans' minds.

  • Half of American adults say they can't even cover

  • an unexpected $400 expense.

  • Clearly, if you give people $1,000 a month,

  • they would spend it on necessities--

  • with a few exceptions.

  • What else did you buy?

  • - Um, I took improv classes. - Chuckie joined--

  • So I've been doing that for the last...

  • eight months.

  • - You took improv classes?

  • - Yeah. Mindful Improv classes.

  • - What the fuck does that mean?

  • - It means we do self-appreciations,

  • we do vulnerabilities... - (disgusted groan)

  • - Um, it's taught by a yoga teacher.

  • - Ugh! Oh, my God.

  • Andrew Yang may be out of the presidential race

  • but his ideas live on,

  • and Americans deserve a shot at universal basic income.

  • Well, maybe not all Americans.

  • - How you doing? - Hello.

  • - Oh, I lost my hand! - I hate improv.

  • ♪♪

  • - Ronny Chieng, everyone. We'll be right back.

  • - That's it for "The Daily Show: Global Edition."

  • Before we go, some troubling news out of China,

  • where fears over the coronavirus

  • have lead to a global shortage of protective masks.

  • That's why I wear this protective mustache on my face.

  • Stops germs getting from in,

  • and sometimes soup gets stuck in there too.

  • And I get a little afternoon snack for free.

- Welcome to "The Daily Show: Global Edition."

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