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  • - Hey everyone!

  • It's your girl Jenn.

  • And for today's video,

  • we are sitting down, we're getting ready,

  • and we're chatting about friendships.

  • And I know a few of you guys are thinking,

  • you know Jenn, I'm good, my friends rock.

  • If that's the case, fantastic,

  • like keep those people close to you and keep shining.

  • However if you are struggling in this department,

  • I just wanted to give you guys my two cents on friendships.

  • Because being an adult is hard

  • and keeping good people around you is important

  • because the people you surround yourself

  • affect your attitude and your behavior.

  • So I thought that I would just

  • kick it off with the negativity first

  • and bring out some deal breakers

  • on what I don't want in a friend.

  • So the big question is,

  • when is it okay to leave a friendship?

  • I'm pretty sure that all of us have been in a position

  • where we've met someone, we really hit it off,

  • and it's like, good for a couple of months or moments.

  • And then after some time passes,

  • you realize like oh my God,

  • we're actually really, really different.

  • And then you kind of phase out the friendship

  • or just give it some time to breathe.

  • I think that's perfectly normal.

  • And I know it may sound a little bit harsh

  • like oh my gosh, she's just cutting off some friends,

  • but you know what?

  • If you apply this same concept to dating,

  • it's like perfectly acceptable.

  • Like we meet a stranger,

  • we spill our guts and talk about everything,

  • and then once things get rocky, we have the talk.

  • And then you might never talk to this stranger ever again.

  • And I feel like that same concept

  • can be applied to friendships.

  • Like if a person is causing you so much stress in your life,

  • it's not your duty to be their best friend.

  • But I just think it's weird because like honestly,

  • I find that having that talk with a friend

  • is way more uncomfortable than having that talk

  • to someone that you're dating.

  • I don't know if you guys feel the same way

  • but it's very difficult.

  • But anywho, I want to talk about some specific dealbreakers

  • for me in a friendship.

  • And they're different for everybody.

  • My first one is criticism.

  • Like there's a reason

  • why it's on Dr. Gottman's divorce predictors.

  • There are four of them.

  • It's criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.

  • But they say criticism is enough to kill any relationship.

  • And that includes friendships as well.

  • And I know that there's a difference between

  • constructive criticism and just plain criticism,

  • although I do appreciate constructive criticism,

  • if you are giving me constructive criticism

  • every time we meet,

  • it just gets old, man.

  • It just gets to a point where you're like

  • please stop focusing on me.

  • I'm not your little project.

  • And it could be very small things

  • like oh, you've got something on your shirt.

  • Your eyebrows are uneven.

  • You're laughing too loud.

  • It's actually pronounced this way.

  • I feel like it's like the tone they say it, too.

  • And I don't know,

  • I don't expect to be coddled in a friendship

  • but if it's just like every time

  • you're saying something that I'm doing wrong,

  • and I know it can be seen as like

  • oh, I'm just looking out for you.

  • But for some things I just don't really care.

  • Like for example, if I have like a stain on my shirt

  • and we're already out,

  • it's like, yeah, I have a stain on my shirt.

  • I'm already at the Grove, I do not have a Tide pen.

  • I'm not gonna go and change my shirt.

  • So what was the benefit of you pointing that out to me?

  • It just makes the person that you're calling out feel bad.

  • And honestly, this goes both ways.

  • If there is a friend where you're always wanting

  • to correct or fix to look out for them,

  • you might wanna re-evaluate and really think about

  • just like one or two things

  • that really personally affect you

  • and would help the friendship for the better

  • and then bring it up in a calm conversation

  • just between the two of you.

  • And I feel like that would have a much better reaction

  • than always nitpicking and nagging on a friend.

  • And when you do that, that is productive feedback.

  • And by the way,

  • I've been loving to use Tati Beauty's Blendiful.

  • I haven't used my beauty blenders in a very long time

  • and I'm not mad about that.

  • It's like one less tool I have to use.

  • The Blendiful's great because I can also powder my face

  • with it as well.

  • And I'm just gonna go in with Laura Mercier's

  • Translucent powder.

  • Being selfish is another deal breaker for me.

  • Now, everyone is selfish to a certain extent.

  • Like that's natural.

  • There is a fine line between looking out for yourself

  • and just being completely self-absorbed.

  • They are the type of friend that will literally

  • right when you see them, they'll sit down,

  • they'll rattle on and on and on about themselves,

  • about their problems, about their experiences,

  • about just like any random thing that they've had

  • and it's so hard for you to get a single word in

  • but they don't even realize

  • that they're not even letting you speak.

  • And even if you try and change the topic,

  • it's just immediately like,

  • how can I make this about me?

  • It's really frustrating to have a conversation

  • because it doesn't feel very fulfilling.

  • Like you're almost being verbally assaulted with words.

  • They just keep going and just keep talking at you.

  • And at the end of these hangouts,

  • you end up feeling super drained of all your energy reserves

  • and you just feel completely empty.

  • They're like emotional vampires.

  • If they're not constantly talking about themselves,

  • then they're constantly asking you of things.

  • And they're always putting you in a position

  • where you are kind of cornered into saying yes.

  • Selfishness can spark up in a lot of different forms

  • but for me, friends that just make everything about them.

  • They never really go out of their way to hear you out

  • at any capacity.

  • You guys know the drill,

  • I'm using my Maybelline Brow Ultra Slim pencils.

  • And my last deal breaker is if

  • I'm becoming a friend that I wouldn't want.

  • My friend Amy actually made a very enlightening video

  • about toxic relationships.

  • And she says that toxic relationships

  • are often seen as just a one-way street

  • like oh, that person's being toxic,

  • snip 'em out of your life.

  • However that's not really the case.

  • Being in a toxic relationship is a two-way street.

  • Like not one person is constantly the angel.

  • Like if someone is being toxic to you,

  • chances are you are being toxic right back

  • which fuels this wheel and cycle of toxicity.

  • When I started to examine my behavior

  • in a toxic relationship,

  • I realized I wasn't a very good friend either.

  • I was constantly dodging their calls and texts,

  • when I see their name on my phone I'd be like, (groans)

  • I would flake on them.

  • And when I would finally actually hang out with them

  • I would just be so resentful

  • on the fact that I had to be there

  • and just nitpick in my head

  • on the things that would annoy me about them.

  • I was being petty.

  • If I was around them,

  • I'd just be like this deflated balloon

  • and I would just drink like two or three cocktails

  • to make things more bearable and fun.

  • And if I need to have two or three drinks

  • to be around you, that's clearly not a good sign.

  • Like that's me medicating myself to make you more bearable.

  • Like who is winning in that situation here?

  • It got to a point where when I would hang out with them,

  • it would feel like a chore.

  • It would feel like something I had to do

  • as my civic duty, like pay a parking ticket.

  • And if any friend felt that type of way about me,

  • I would be like please, let's let this friendship breathe

  • and just give it some space.

  • Because no friendship should feel like that.

  • And this doesn't mean that friend is a bad person.

  • It doesn't make you a bad person.

  • It simply means that you guys aren't right for each other

  • and there's nothing wrong with that.

  • I feel like life is too short

  • to hope that a friend will change.

  • Like I don't expect anyone to change for me

  • but I do have a choice on who I spend my time with.

  • It's not a matter of hate,

  • it's a matter of incompatibility.

  • As simple as that.

  • So let's lighten the mood a little bit

  • and talk about something more positive

  • and let's move on to eyeshadows.

  • I'm gonna use Urban Decay's Naked Honey Palette

  • because I just want something goldy.

  • Friendships can look like anything.

  • It doesn't have to be like that typical social construct

  • of a best friend who's always at your house

  • and always on the phone with you

  • and you're like constantly texting with each other.

  • It doesn't have to look like that.

  • I have a lot of friendships where

  • I don't see them in a couple of months

  • and when we do see each other,

  • we just pick things up right where we left it off.

  • Like my friend Dani is a great example of that.

  • She lives in Toronto

  • and we see each other maybe like two to three times a year

  • but when we see each other,

  • we go in, we're like, woo!

  • A friendship can look like anything

  • as long as it works

  • and serves the both of you guys beneficially,

  • it's a good friendship.

  • So the first quality I look for in a friendship

  • is you gotta be real with me.

  • I can only handle small talk for so long.

  • Like how long are we gonna talk about the weather

  • and tv shows, and films?

  • Like yes that's fun when you first meet somebody,

  • but to be my best friend, we gotta get to a point

  • where we're like cracking open our souls

  • and we just explain and open up

  • about like what's really going on.

  • There's nothing more fulfilling to me

  • than having a two-way back and forth conversation

  • of us opening about our hardships,

  • our successes, our shortcomings, our strengths,

  • just everything spilled out and examined together.

  • I think that's absolutely beautiful.

  • And it's actually a little bit more difficult to find

  • then you'd think.

  • And I absolutely do not expect my friends

  • to be perfect people.

  • Like we are all going to fuck up at some point.

  • And if something goes down,

  • I want them to be real with me.

  • I want them to tell me what they really think

  • and vice-versa.

  • So now I'm gonna do a light little wing

  • with this brown liquid eyeliner.

  • And the second trait that I look for in a friendship

  • is we both gotta make effort with each other.

  • And effort looks, it can look like a lot of different things

  • but an example that I'll use is like scheduling.

  • Like a lot of my friends have just these insane schedules.

  • It's honestly like playing Tetris sometimes, like

  • like you know?

  • oh you've got a meeting on Wednesday?

  • How about Thursday night, Thursday doesn't work?

  • How about Friday?

  • There have been times where we've literally

  • had to schedule hangouts two to three weeks in advance

  • and the people that take it personally,

  • being like oh my God, you gotta pencil me in that far?

  • It's like, yeah.

  • And if you have a problem with that,

  • then it's like it's not my problem.

  • But it's that action of setting out

  • and blocking out a time for me,

  • I don't know why, but it makes me feel really special.

  • No matter how far advance it is.

  • Time is a very valuable currency

  • and so when you carve out time to make dinners

  • and one-on-ones with me, it really warms my heart.

  • Also reaching out is another important way

  • and another way to show effort.

  • If you have a friend and the only problem

  • is the frequency of that person reaching out to you

  • and it doesn't feel like enough

  • or it feels really lopsided,

  • I mean, I think it's something to bring up.

  • If it's affecting you.

  • And it doesn't have to be in that really heavy way

  • where you're like, hey, we need to talk.

  • I wish you'd reach out more often.

  • I mean, maybe you could do that, do it that way,

  • but I don't know why.

  • Like that confrontation really freaks me out.

  • Back in 2017, I had a friend where

  • I realized like, wow, I am the only person

  • that really reaches out to them to hang out.

  • But the thing is, when we did hang out, it was awesome.

  • It was fun.

  • So one night I actually brought it up

  • and I was kinda nervous but I had a couple of drinks in me

  • so I was like, you know what, fuck it.

  • I'm just gonna say how I feel.

  • So I said hey, like I really love our friendship

  • and I love how much it's been growing

  • and I feel so close to you.

  • And I realized when I was looking over our iMessage,

  • I just started to notice that you know,

  • I've been doing a lot of the reaching out

  • and it would really mean the world to me

  • if you could possibly reach out to me as well.

  • I think I tripped over my words,

  • but the sincerity was there.

  • Now this situation could've easily gone two ways.

  • She could've just looked at me being like,

  • yeah, I've been like, I'm doing the best I can,

  • and this is the frequency that I wanna see you.

  • Luckily that didn't happen.

  • It happened another way

  • where she was like oh my God, I didn't even realize.

  • When I get really busy, it's hard for me to plan beyond.

  • So I've always leaned on you to schedule our hangouts.

  • But now that I know how you feel,

  • I'll start reaching out to you, too.

  • And now it's 2020 and I haven't felt that way at all.

  • Like it's been a very, very good back and forth

  • and it's not like I'm keeping tabs or anything

  • but it just, the flow feels really natural.

  • And speaking of friends,

  • here is this palette from Weylie.

  • She came out with a collab with Physicians Formula

  • and it is freakin' bomb.

  • I am so proud of her.

  • And I'm gonna be using this color called Apricot.

  • It's like the perfect peachy shade.

  • So my last quality is that I feel heard.

  • Like I've mentioned this in the past before

  • but when I speak,

  • it takes a lot out of me to talk.

  • Like if I'm talking and someone isn't really listening

  • I'm just like, I get very disheartened.

  • I'm just like why do I even bother?

  • So when a friend is deeply engaged

  • and listening to what I'm saying, woo, jackpot.

  • Instantly I feel really, really connected to you.

  • I feel like this is such an undervalued quality

  • that people don't even realize that they need in a friend.

  • And when I say listening,

  • I don't mean like calculating what you're gonna say next.

  • It's about listening to you with no distractions,

  • not on your phone, not fiddling with your lipstick,

  • it's literally like looking at you

  • and really deeply listening to you.

  • It's not about giving advice all the time.

  • A lot of the times we pretty much know what to do.

  • But it's about like getting it out of our system

  • and making that person feel heard.

  • When a friend is opening up to me about something,

  • I try my best to give them my full undivided attention.

  • I allow them to speak it out

  • and I hold my advice at the very, very end.

  • Not until I've asked them

  • at least like two to three questions

  • helping them unpack more of their feelings,

  • asking them, so what do you think you're gonna do about it?

  • Listening is definitely an underappreciated skill

  • in our society.

  • Especially because we're constantly rewarding

  • those who have the loudest voices and talk the most.

  • Like the loudest person in the room

  • usually isn't always the one that's right.

  • And I don't want to come off like I'm holier than thou,

  • like I'm the best listener in the world

  • but at least it's on my radar

  • and it's something I'm trying to improve.

  • So for my lip color, I'm using this one by Gucci.

  • It is called Katrin Sand.

  • (gentle music)

  • All right guys.

  • This is the finished look.

  • I hope you enjoyed this very extensive talk

  • about friendships and the qualities

  • that I look for in a friend.

  • But now I would really, really love to hear from you.

  • Please tell me what are things

  • that you look for in a friendship,

  • some deal breakers are for you,

  • and I would love to read about them

  • because I feel like what people value in a friendship

  • are very different.

  • Like some people can put like loyalty above anything else,

  • like you can be completely irrational

  • but as long as you're loyal as fuck

  • and you got my back, then that's like a quality.

  • Some people might be like,

  • they need to have the ability to make me laugh.

  • Like there's so many things that people need in their life.

  • And so I just want to disclaim that my way is not the way,

  • it's just a way that works for me.

  • But yeah, that's the end of the look!

  • I hope you guys enjoyed

  • and I will see you guys in the next one.

  • Bye!

  • Mwah!

  • (gentle music)

- Hey everyone!

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友誼+有毒關係 GRWM (Friendships + Toxic Relationships GRWM)

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    Edie Chen 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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