字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 - Hey everyone! It's your girl Jenn. And for today's video, we are sitting down, we're getting ready, and we're chatting about friendships. And I know a few of you guys are thinking, you know Jenn, I'm good, my friends rock. If that's the case, fantastic, like keep those people close to you and keep shining. However if you are struggling in this department, I just wanted to give you guys my two cents on friendships. Because being an adult is hard and keeping good people around you is important because the people you surround yourself affect your attitude and your behavior. So I thought that I would just kick it off with the negativity first and bring out some deal breakers on what I don't want in a friend. So the big question is, when is it okay to leave a friendship? I'm pretty sure that all of us have been in a position where we've met someone, we really hit it off, and it's like, good for a couple of months or moments. And then after some time passes, you realize like oh my God, we're actually really, really different. And then you kind of phase out the friendship or just give it some time to breathe. I think that's perfectly normal. And I know it may sound a little bit harsh like oh my gosh, she's just cutting off some friends, but you know what? If you apply this same concept to dating, it's like perfectly acceptable. Like we meet a stranger, we spill our guts and talk about everything, and then once things get rocky, we have the talk. And then you might never talk to this stranger ever again. And I feel like that same concept can be applied to friendships. Like if a person is causing you so much stress in your life, it's not your duty to be their best friend. But I just think it's weird because like honestly, I find that having that talk with a friend is way more uncomfortable than having that talk to someone that you're dating. I don't know if you guys feel the same way but it's very difficult. But anywho, I want to talk about some specific dealbreakers for me in a friendship. And they're different for everybody. My first one is criticism. Like there's a reason why it's on Dr. Gottman's divorce predictors. There are four of them. It's criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. But they say criticism is enough to kill any relationship. And that includes friendships as well. And I know that there's a difference between constructive criticism and just plain criticism, although I do appreciate constructive criticism, if you are giving me constructive criticism every time we meet, it just gets old, man. It just gets to a point where you're like please stop focusing on me. I'm not your little project. And it could be very small things like oh, you've got something on your shirt. Your eyebrows are uneven. You're laughing too loud. It's actually pronounced this way. I feel like it's like the tone they say it, too. And I don't know, I don't expect to be coddled in a friendship but if it's just like every time you're saying something that I'm doing wrong, and I know it can be seen as like oh, I'm just looking out for you. But for some things I just don't really care. Like for example, if I have like a stain on my shirt and we're already out, it's like, yeah, I have a stain on my shirt. I'm already at the Grove, I do not have a Tide pen. I'm not gonna go and change my shirt. So what was the benefit of you pointing that out to me? It just makes the person that you're calling out feel bad. And honestly, this goes both ways. If there is a friend where you're always wanting to correct or fix to look out for them, you might wanna re-evaluate and really think about just like one or two things that really personally affect you and would help the friendship for the better and then bring it up in a calm conversation just between the two of you. And I feel like that would have a much better reaction than always nitpicking and nagging on a friend. And when you do that, that is productive feedback. And by the way, I've been loving to use Tati Beauty's Blendiful. I haven't used my beauty blenders in a very long time and I'm not mad about that. It's like one less tool I have to use. The Blendiful's great because I can also powder my face with it as well. And I'm just gonna go in with Laura Mercier's Translucent powder. Being selfish is another deal breaker for me. Now, everyone is selfish to a certain extent. Like that's natural. There is a fine line between looking out for yourself and just being completely self-absorbed. They are the type of friend that will literally right when you see them, they'll sit down, they'll rattle on and on and on about themselves, about their problems, about their experiences, about just like any random thing that they've had and it's so hard for you to get a single word in but they don't even realize that they're not even letting you speak. And even if you try and change the topic, it's just immediately like, how can I make this about me? It's really frustrating to have a conversation because it doesn't feel very fulfilling. Like you're almost being verbally assaulted with words. They just keep going and just keep talking at you. And at the end of these hangouts, you end up feeling super drained of all your energy reserves and you just feel completely empty. They're like emotional vampires. If they're not constantly talking about themselves, then they're constantly asking you of things. And they're always putting you in a position where you are kind of cornered into saying yes. Selfishness can spark up in a lot of different forms but for me, friends that just make everything about them. They never really go out of their way to hear you out at any capacity. You guys know the drill, I'm using my Maybelline Brow Ultra Slim pencils. And my last deal breaker is if I'm becoming a friend that I wouldn't want. My friend Amy actually made a very enlightening video about toxic relationships. And she says that toxic relationships are often seen as just a one-way street like oh, that person's being toxic, snip 'em out of your life. However that's not really the case. Being in a toxic relationship is a two-way street. Like not one person is constantly the angel. Like if someone is being toxic to you, chances are you are being toxic right back which fuels this wheel and cycle of toxicity. When I started to examine my behavior in a toxic relationship, I realized I wasn't a very good friend either. I was constantly dodging their calls and texts, when I see their name on my phone I'd be like, (groans) I would flake on them. And when I would finally actually hang out with them I would just be so resentful on the fact that I had to be there and just nitpick in my head on the things that would annoy me about them. I was being petty. If I was around them, I'd just be like this deflated balloon and I would just drink like two or three cocktails to make things more bearable and fun. And if I need to have two or three drinks to be around you, that's clearly not a good sign. Like that's me medicating myself to make you more bearable. Like who is winning in that situation here? It got to a point where when I would hang out with them, it would feel like a chore. It would feel like something I had to do as my civic duty, like pay a parking ticket. And if any friend felt that type of way about me, I would be like please, let's let this friendship breathe and just give it some space. Because no friendship should feel like that. And this doesn't mean that friend is a bad person. It doesn't make you a bad person. It simply means that you guys aren't right for each other and there's nothing wrong with that. I feel like life is too short to hope that a friend will change. Like I don't expect anyone to change for me but I do have a choice on who I spend my time with. It's not a matter of hate, it's a matter of incompatibility. As simple as that. So let's lighten the mood a little bit and talk about something more positive and let's move on to eyeshadows. I'm gonna use Urban Decay's Naked Honey Palette because I just want something goldy. Friendships can look like anything. It doesn't have to be like that typical social construct of a best friend who's always at your house and always on the phone with you and you're like constantly texting with each other. It doesn't have to look like that. I have a lot of friendships where I don't see them in a couple of months and when we do see each other, we just pick things up right where we left it off. Like my friend Dani is a great example of that. She lives in Toronto and we see each other maybe like two to three times a year but when we see each other, we go in, we're like, woo! A friendship can look like anything as long as it works and serves the both of you guys beneficially, it's a good friendship. So the first quality I look for in a friendship is you gotta be real with me. I can only handle small talk for so long. Like how long are we gonna talk about the weather and tv shows, and films? Like yes that's fun when you first meet somebody, but to be my best friend, we gotta get to a point where we're like cracking open our souls and we just explain and open up about like what's really going on. There's nothing more fulfilling to me than having a two-way back and forth conversation of us opening about our hardships, our successes, our shortcomings, our strengths, just everything spilled out and examined together. I think that's absolutely beautiful. And it's actually a little bit more difficult to find then you'd think. And I absolutely do not expect my friends to be perfect people. Like we are all going to fuck up at some point. And if something goes down, I want them to be real with me. I want them to tell me what they really think and vice-versa. So now I'm gonna do a light little wing with this brown liquid eyeliner. And the second trait that I look for in a friendship is we both gotta make effort with each other. And effort looks, it can look like a lot of different things but an example that I'll use is like scheduling. Like a lot of my friends have just these insane schedules. It's honestly like playing Tetris sometimes, like like you know? oh you've got a meeting on Wednesday? How about Thursday night, Thursday doesn't work? How about Friday? There have been times where we've literally had to schedule hangouts two to three weeks in advance and the people that take it personally, being like oh my God, you gotta pencil me in that far? It's like, yeah. And if you have a problem with that, then it's like it's not my problem. But it's that action of setting out and blocking out a time for me, I don't know why, but it makes me feel really special. No matter how far advance it is. Time is a very valuable currency and so when you carve out time to make dinners and one-on-ones with me, it really warms my heart. Also reaching out is another important way and another way to show effort. If you have a friend and the only problem is the frequency of that person reaching out to you and it doesn't feel like enough or it feels really lopsided, I mean, I think it's something to bring up. If it's affecting you. And it doesn't have to be in that really heavy way where you're like, hey, we need to talk. I wish you'd reach out more often. I mean, maybe you could do that, do it that way, but I don't know why. Like that confrontation really freaks me out. Back in 2017, I had a friend where I realized like, wow, I am the only person that really reaches out to them to hang out. But the thing is, when we did hang out, it was awesome. It was fun. So one night I actually brought it up and I was kinda nervous but I had a couple of drinks in me so I was like, you know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna say how I feel. So I said hey, like I really love our friendship and I love how much it's been growing and I feel so close to you. And I realized when I was looking over our iMessage, I just started to notice that you know, I've been doing a lot of the reaching out and it would really mean the world to me if you could possibly reach out to me as well. I think I tripped over my words, but the sincerity was there. Now this situation could've easily gone two ways. She could've just looked at me being like, yeah, I've been like, I'm doing the best I can, and this is the frequency that I wanna see you. Luckily that didn't happen. It happened another way where she was like oh my God, I didn't even realize. When I get really busy, it's hard for me to plan beyond. So I've always leaned on you to schedule our hangouts. But now that I know how you feel, I'll start reaching out to you, too. And now it's 2020 and I haven't felt that way at all. Like it's been a very, very good back and forth and it's not like I'm keeping tabs or anything but it just, the flow feels really natural. And speaking of friends, here is this palette from Weylie. She came out with a collab with Physicians Formula and it is freakin' bomb. I am so proud of her. And I'm gonna be using this color called Apricot. It's like the perfect peachy shade. So my last quality is that I feel heard. Like I've mentioned this in the past before but when I speak, it takes a lot out of me to talk. Like if I'm talking and someone isn't really listening I'm just like, I get very disheartened. I'm just like why do I even bother? So when a friend is deeply engaged and listening to what I'm saying, woo, jackpot. Instantly I feel really, really connected to you. I feel like this is such an undervalued quality that people don't even realize that they need in a friend. And when I say listening, I don't mean like calculating what you're gonna say next. It's about listening to you with no distractions, not on your phone, not fiddling with your lipstick, it's literally like looking at you and really deeply listening to you. It's not about giving advice all the time. A lot of the times we pretty much know what to do. But it's about like getting it out of our system and making that person feel heard. When a friend is opening up to me about something, I try my best to give them my full undivided attention. I allow them to speak it out and I hold my advice at the very, very end. Not until I've asked them at least like two to three questions helping them unpack more of their feelings, asking them, so what do you think you're gonna do about it? Listening is definitely an underappreciated skill in our society. Especially because we're constantly rewarding those who have the loudest voices and talk the most. Like the loudest person in the room usually isn't always the one that's right. And I don't want to come off like I'm holier than thou, like I'm the best listener in the world but at least it's on my radar and it's something I'm trying to improve. So for my lip color, I'm using this one by Gucci. It is called Katrin Sand. (gentle music) All right guys. This is the finished look. I hope you enjoyed this very extensive talk about friendships and the qualities that I look for in a friend. But now I would really, really love to hear from you. Please tell me what are things that you look for in a friendship, some deal breakers are for you, and I would love to read about them because I feel like what people value in a friendship are very different. Like some people can put like loyalty above anything else, like you can be completely irrational but as long as you're loyal as fuck and you got my back, then that's like a quality. Some people might be like, they need to have the ability to make me laugh. Like there's so many things that people need in their life. And so I just want to disclaim that my way is not the way, it's just a way that works for me. But yeah, that's the end of the look! I hope you guys enjoyed and I will see you guys in the next one. Bye! Mwah! (gentle music)
B1 中級 美國腔 友誼+有毒關係 GRWM (Friendships + Toxic Relationships GRWM) 147 6 Edie Chen 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日 更多分享 分享 收藏 回報 影片單字