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  • -Guys, there's so much going on right now.

  • Today, the President of the United States was impeached.

  • Over in Russia, Vladimir Putin is about to have

  • his big year-end press conference.

  • The movie "Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker"

  • comes out tomorrow.

  • And a man at a Nashville airport got busted with 84 pounds

  • of weed wrapped like Christmas presents.

  • There's a lot to go over.

  • Let's just jump in and cover it all at once.

  • It's time for a "News Smash."

  • ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

  • [ Ding ]

  • -First, President Trump got impeached today,

  • and he's not happy about it.

  • He wrote an angry letter, sent hundreds of tweets,

  • and shouted at his staff.

  • He needs to chill out.

  • And you know what's great for chilling out?

  • Christmas weed.

  • 84 pounds of it was found wrapped like presents

  • at the airport in Nashville.

  • That's enough weed to get you really high.

  • So high that you end up in

  • a galaxy far, far away.

  • The new "Star Wars" movie hits theaters tomorrow,

  • and there are so many questions left to be answered.

  • Will Luke come back? Will Kylo Ren win?

  • Will Rey change course and cross over to the dark side?

  • Tomorrow, Putin is holding his annual press conference,

  • where he talks to reporters for hours.

  • But no matter what he does or says,

  • there's no way he'll ever be impeached.

  • Trump is furious.

  • He spent the day yelling at his staff

  • and tweeting while he laid on the couch.

  • If he's not careful, he could end up looking like

  • Jabba the Hutt.

  • Now, that was a character.

  • He loved sitting around all day, eating snacks,

  • kind of like someone who loves Christmas weed.

  • When you get busted at the airport

  • for your Christmas cheer,

  • your Christmas cheer turns into Christmas fear.

  • If you're a reporter in Russia,

  • that's what you feel looking in Putin's eyes.

  • Ask the wrong question, and you could go missing.

  • You could disappear, just like Jar Jar Binks.

  • We won't see him in the new movie

  • and we won't see Baby Yoda either.

  • And when fans find out there's no little Baby Yoda,

  • J.J. Abrams is gonna get impeached.

  • So, in conclusion, may the force be with you.

  • May the Senate be with you.

  • [ Russian accent ] Don't worry. I'll be with you.

  • May the 420 be with you.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you.

  • Well, guys, today, the House of Representatives

  • officially voted to impeach President Trump.

  • Of course, it's a dark stain on his legacy,

  • but on the bright side, Trump finally managed to win

  • a popular vote.

  • That's right.

  • Trump's allies are worried about the stain

  • that the impeachment will leave on his legacy.

  • Although, when a guy wears that much spray tan,

  • I don't think he cares about the stains he leaves behind.

  • Yep, today, Trump became the third

  • U.S. president to be impeached.

  • It was Bill Clinton in 1999, Andrew Johnson in 1868.

  • And this is crazy.

  • Back in 1868, Andrew Johnson was also impeached

  • for trying to dig up dirt on Joe Biden.

  • -Really?

  • -Yeah, what happened today is historic,

  • and experts are saying that this is what

  • we'll remember most about 2019.

  • Then Americans were like, "Oh, come on.

  • Have you seen Baby Yoda? Come on."

  • But Democrats are saying that it's a sad day

  • and that they're in mourning.

  • Some members actually wore black,

  • while, out of respect, Chuck Schumer

  • lowered his glasses even further down his nose.

  • Trump sent dozens of angry tweets all day.

  • He even tweeted that Democrats are the ones breaking the law,

  • writing, "How can they do that, too, and, yet,

  • impeach a very successful economy plus

  • President of the United States?"

  • Economy plus?

  • You'd think Trump would at least refer to himself

  • as business class.

  • -Yeah. -And this was everywhere.

  • -Economy. -[ As Trump ] I'm economy plus.

  • I'll take an emergency exit row. There's more leg room.

  • -[ As Trump ] I need the tie room."

  • -[ Normal voice ] This was everywhere.

  • During the debate, a Republican Congressman

  • compared Trump to Jesus.

  • I don't know.

  • If Trump were Jesus, I'm pretty sure we'd have seen him

  • turn water into Diet Coke already, right?

  • Of course, last night, Trump also sent

  • a six-page letter to Nancy Pelosi,

  • ranting about impeachment, the Democrats,

  • and pretty much everything on his mind.

  • And, today, he's even more upset,

  • because Nancy Pelosi just wrote back, "K."

  • All day, I saw that "merry Impeachmas"

  • was trending on twitter.

  • But to make sure everyone felt included,

  • Democrats were also saying "happy Donakkah."

  • -Yeah.

  • -Meanwhile, during the impeachment vote,

  • Trump actually held a campaign rally

  • in Michigan, at the Kellogg Arena.

  • You could tell Trump enjoyed the Kellogg Arena

  • when he fired Rudy Giuliani and replaced him

  • with the law firm of Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

  • I saw that someone in Ohio just won

  • the $372 million Mega Millions jackpot.

  • The winner is thrilled, while the guy who gave him the ticket

  • for Secret Santa just walked into the ocean.

  • And, finally, I read that kids are now using

  • money apps instead of piggy banks.

  • Money apps.

  • It's gonna get weirder when kids tell the Tooth Fairy,

  • "Just Venmo me."

  • Guys, we have a great show.

-Guys, there's so much going on right now.

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新聞大爆炸:特朗普的彈劾、普京的新聞發佈會、天行者的崛起、聖誕大麻 (News Smash: Trump's Impeachment, Putin's Press Conference, The Rise of Skywalker, Xmas Weed)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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