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  • When I was about 13, 14 years old, I remember coming back from school on the bus, wearing my school uniform, and a man brushed his hand up against my leg and then put his hand in between my legs.

    當時我 13、14 歲,記得那時剛放學要搭公車回家,我穿著制服,一名男子用手撫摸我的大腿,接著又伸向我雙腿之間。

  • I didn't say anything, and that's part of me thinking...

    我什麼都沒說,一部分的我這麼想...

  • "This is your fault. I deserved this."

    「這是我自己的錯,我活該。」

  • "I can control the length of my skirt."

    「我可以控制好裙子的長度。」

  • "Maybe it won't happen again."

    「或許不會再發生了。」

  • I was first raped when I was a university student.

    第一次被強暴時,我是個大學生。

  • While I denied it for a whole year, that I had even got raped, that this had even happened to me.

    雖然我一整年都從心底否認此事,否認我被強暴,否認此事發生在自己身上。

  • I was able to keep a strong exterior, but that might have not been the most healthy option for me.

    我當時外表故作堅強,但那或許不是最健康的選擇。

  • I was overdue a breakdown and so when it happened, everyone was, like...

    我的崩潰來得太晚,所以真的發生時,全部的人都很訝異...

  • "What? We thought you were successful."

    「什麼?我們以為你一切都很順利!」

  • "You were going to university, you were doing so well."

    「妳當時不是要去讀大學了嗎?妳表現都不錯啊!」

  • Even if I can go through the normal paces of life, put on a smile and show everyone that I'm happy, I'm successful, I'm doing well.

    即使我能夠以正常的步調生活,戴上微笑的面具,讓全部的人以為我很開心、順利。

  • In the back of my head, I feel so sick, ashamed and defined by my experiences and I think...

    但在腦中,我對發生的事感到噁心與羞愧,我甚至想...

  • "Will there ever be a time that I won't have these nightmares, these flashbacks?"

    「我有辦法擺脫這些惡夢、這些片段嗎?」

  • Being triggered, you're transported back to the heart of the event.

    一旦被觸發,會被傳送回到事件發生的當下。

  • It can be any small thing that reminds you of it, if it's a loud noise, if it's the feeling of someone accidentally brushing up against you on the tube.

    任何小事都可以觸發那個回憶,或許是一個大聲響、或是某人不經意地在地鐵上拂過妳的身體。

  • And, all of a sudden, I am reliving it and it is happening to me again, so my body does tense up.

    突然之間,我又回到那個瞬間,再次地被侵犯,因此我會繃緊身子。

  • I'm cringing with shame and I can taste spit that isn't my own.

    我因羞愧感而畏縮,甚至能在嘴裡感受到不是我自己的口水。

  • It makes me want to throw up.

    這讓我想吐。

  • I was embarrassed to answer people's questions like, "Why were you alone at that time of night?"

    我不知道如何回答人們的問題,如「那個時間妳為什麼會獨自一人?」

  • "Didn't you fight back?"

    「妳沒有反抗嗎?」

  • "What were you wearing?"

    「妳當時穿什麼?」

  • I was always colourful and playful with my fashion and how I dressed.

    我以往的穿衣風格總是色彩鮮豔又俏皮的。

  • I started to doubt that part of myself.

    我開始懷疑那部份的自己。

  • I started to think that I was being provocative and so that whole part of my identity was taken away from me when I was first raped.

    我開始認為,當時穿得太暴露了,被強暴後,那部分的我被整個拔除。

  • I overanalysed my appearance from whether I was wearing too much mascara to how short my skirt was, to whether I looked pretty that day.

    我過於執著於自己的外表,是否擦了太厚睫毛膏、裙子是否太短,或當天是否看起來太漂亮。

  • I need to appear more introvert, I need to appear less interested in men, you know, to stop this from ever happening again.

    我應該內斂一點,應該不要讓男性對我產生太多遐想,這樣才能讓這種事不再發生。

  • All that effort, I spent analysing every detail of my being, none of it kept me safe.

    我花了極大努力,分析檢討我自己,但一點用都沒有。

  • It happened again.

    再次發生了。

  • I was raped for the second time.

    我再度被強暴了。

  • Because it is toxic for victims to believe that there is something about them that made and makes them justified targets.

    讓受害者相信身為目標是自己的問題,這是一種毒性關係。

  • It can happen even if you're wearing a winter coat and a big jumper, which I was.

    就算穿著冬天大衣與毛衣,就跟我當時一樣,也有可能受害。

  • Whatever you wear, however you look, however you talk to men, you don't deserve it and you can't predict it.

    不管你穿什麼、長怎樣、如何和男人談話,妳都無法預測,也不值得如此遭遇。

  • I actually kept my outfit from my first rape in the back of my wardrobe.

    我其實還留著第一次被強暴時所穿的衣服,放在衣櫃後方。

  • There was that not-too-mini miniskirt and that strappy top.

    那是件不太迷你的迷你裙,與一件細肩帶上衣。

  • One day I saw the outfit and I thought, "I love that outfit."

    一天,我看到那套衣服,心想:「我喜歡這套服裝啊」。

  • "Why don't I put it back on again?"

    「何不再次穿上?」

  • PTSD changed who I am.

    創傷後壓力症候群改變了我。

  • It changes my physical reactions, it changes how I feel about things.

    它改變了我的行為、我的內心思想。

  • To be able to dress how I used to do before my rapes, before my sexual assaults, feels great because I am myself again.

    能再像被強暴前那樣打扮自己真的很好,很開心我又是我自己了。

  • I've learned from therapy, grounding techniques, you know - what can I see around me that's beautiful?

    從治療與一些安心穩步技巧中我學到了,看到身邊美好的方法。

  • What is the brightest, craziest colour that I can put on today?

    今天,我能穿上最鮮豔、瘋狂的顏色是什麼?

  • And that helps to remind me, I'm safe, I'm here, I've survived.

    這提醒了我,我很安全、我在這、我活下來了。

When I was about 13, 14 years old, I remember coming back from school on the bus, wearing my school uniform, and a man brushed his hand up against my leg and then put his hand in between my legs.

當時我 13、14 歲,記得那時剛放學要搭公車回家,我穿著制服,一名男子用手撫摸我的大腿,接著又伸向我雙腿之間。

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性侵受害者的重生──與創傷後症候群共存 (Reclaiming My Body After Rape: Living With PTSD)

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    Mackenzie 發佈於 2020 年 01 月 25 日
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