I didn't say anything, and that's part of me thinking...

我什麼都沒說，一部分的我這麼想...

"This is your fault. I deserved this."

「這是我自己的錯，我活該。」

"I can control the length of my skirt."

「我可以控制好裙子的長度。」

"Maybe it won't happen again."

「或許不會再發生了。」

I was first raped when I was a university student.

第一次被強暴時，我是個大學生。

While I denied it for a whole year, that I had even got raped, that this had even happened to me.

雖然我一整年都從心底否認此事，否認我被強暴，否認此事發生在自己身上。

I was able to keep a strong exterior, but that might have not been the most healthy option for me.

我當時外表故作堅強，但那或許不是最健康的選擇。

I was overdue a breakdown and so when it happened, everyone was, like...

我的崩潰來得太晚，所以真的發生時，全部的人都很訝異...

"What? We thought you were successful."

「什麼？我們以為你一切都很順利！」

"You were going to university, you were doing so well."

「妳當時不是要去讀大學了嗎？妳表現都不錯啊！」

Even if I can go through the normal paces of life, put on a smile and show everyone that I'm happy, I'm successful, I'm doing well.

即使我能夠以正常的步調生活，戴上微笑的面具，讓全部的人以為我很開心、順利。

In the back of my head, I feel so sick, ashamed and defined by my experiences and I think...

但在腦中，我對發生的事感到噁心與羞愧，我甚至想...

"Will there ever be a time that I won't have these nightmares, these flashbacks?"

「我有辦法擺脫這些惡夢、這些片段嗎？」

Being triggered, you're transported back to the heart of the event.

一旦被觸發，會被傳送回到事件發生的當下。

It can be any small thing that reminds you of it, if it's a loud noise, if it's the feeling of someone accidentally brushing up against you on the tube.

任何小事都可以觸發那個回憶，或許是一個大聲響、或是某人不經意地在地鐵上拂過妳的身體。

And, all of a sudden, I am reliving it and it is happening to me again, so my body does tense up.

突然之間，我又回到那個瞬間，再次地被侵犯，因此我會繃緊身子。

I'm cringing with shame and I can taste spit that isn't my own.

我因羞愧感而畏縮，甚至能在嘴裡感受到不是我自己的口水。

It makes me want to throw up.

這讓我想吐。

I was embarrassed to answer people's questions like, "Why were you alone at that time of night?"

我不知道如何回答人們的問題，如「那個時間妳為什麼會獨自一人？」

"Didn't you fight back?"

「妳沒有反抗嗎？」

"What were you wearing?"

「妳當時穿什麼？」

I was always colourful and playful with my fashion and how I dressed.

我以往的穿衣風格總是色彩鮮豔又俏皮的。

I started to doubt that part of myself.

我開始懷疑那部份的自己。

I started to think that I was being provocative and so that whole part of my identity was taken away from me when I was first raped.

我開始認為，當時穿得太暴露了，被強暴後，那部分的我被整個拔除。

I overanalysed my appearance from whether I was wearing too much mascara to how short my skirt was, to whether I looked pretty that day.

我過於執著於自己的外表，是否擦了太厚睫毛膏、裙子是否太短，或當天是否看起來太漂亮。

I need to appear more introvert, I need to appear less interested in men, you know, to stop this from ever happening again.

我應該內斂一點，應該不要讓男性對我產生太多遐想，這樣才能讓這種事不再發生。

All that effort, I spent analysing every detail of my being, none of it kept me safe.

我花了極大努力，分析檢討我自己，但一點用都沒有。

It happened again.

再次發生了。

I was raped for the second time.

我再度被強暴了。

Because it is toxic for victims to believe that there is something about them that made and makes them justified targets.

讓受害者相信身為目標是自己的問題，這是一種毒性關係。

It can happen even if you're wearing a winter coat and a big jumper, which I was.

就算穿著冬天大衣與毛衣，就跟我當時一樣，也有可能受害。

Whatever you wear, however you look, however you talk to men, you don't deserve it and you can't predict it.

不管你穿什麼、長怎樣、如何和男人談話，妳都無法預測，也不值得如此遭遇。

I actually kept my outfit from my first rape in the back of my wardrobe.

我其實還留著第一次被強暴時所穿的衣服，放在衣櫃後方。

There was that not-too-mini miniskirt and that strappy top.

那是件不太迷你的迷你裙，與一件細肩帶上衣。

One day I saw the outfit and I thought, "I love that outfit."

一天，我看到那套衣服，心想：「我喜歡這套服裝啊」。

"Why don't I put it back on again?"

「何不再次穿上？」

PTSD changed who I am.

創傷後壓力症候群改變了我。

It changes my physical reactions, it changes how I feel about things.

它改變了我的行為、我的內心思想。

To be able to dress how I used to do before my rapes, before my sexual assaults, feels great because I am myself again.

能再像被強暴前那樣打扮自己真的很好，很開心我又是我自己了。

I've learned from therapy, grounding techniques, you know - what can I see around me that's beautiful?

從治療與一些安心穩步技巧中我學到了，看到身邊美好的方法。

What is the brightest, craziest colour that I can put on today?

今天，我能穿上最鮮豔、瘋狂的顏色是什麼？

And that helps to remind me, I'm safe, I'm here, I've survived.

這提醒了我，我很安全、我在這、我活下來了。