You can't.

不可能。

Cows and nuts are different.

牛和堅果是兩碼子事。

I'm like a convenience vegetarian.

我吃方便素。

Straight up meat eater.

我是葷食者。

We did a bacon taste test the other day

我們前幾天做了一個培根口味實驗

and it was the happiest time of my life.

那是我人生中最快樂的時光。

It's got no lactose, no casein, no gluten,

沒有乳糖、沒有酪蛋白、沒有麩質、

no soy, no cholesterol.

沒有大豆、沒有膽固醇。

So I don't know what else could be in this.

那我不知道還有什麼東西可以在這裡面。

Doesn't look too bad so far.

目前為止看起來還不太糟。

It says it melts and stretches.

它說它會融化且有彈性。

Why do I have to be told that it's going

為什麼我需要知道它會

to melt and stretch?

融化還會延展？

Already smells funny.

已經聞起來很有趣了。

Starting to second guess it

我要重新評價它

now that the smell's coming in.

已經聞到味道了。

Uh-uh, that's not Swiss cheese.

呃呃，這不是瑞士起司。

Oh yeah, it really tastes like cheese.

喔，它真的吃起來像起司。

No it doesn't.

不，不像。

Yeah it does.

很像。

Really bad.

糟透了。

I have goose bumps.

我起雞皮疙瘩了。

Blue cheese and what... and like mucus?

藍起司還有某種...像黏液的東西？

On a sandwich I could imagine

如果放在三明治上我可以想像

this going really well.

再合適不過了。

Like that?

像那個嗎？

Yeah, well, on like a meat sandwich.

對，嗯，放在有肉的三明治上。

I'm so sorry vegans.

素食主義者們，我很抱歉。

Dr. Cow treenut cheese.

牛博士堅果起司。

I'm not feeling well.

我覺得不太舒服。

Is Dr. Cow available?

牛博士是買得到的嗎？

Dr. Cow is a very funny name.

牛博士這名字真好笑。

Nuts?

堅果？

I didn't know you could age nuts.

我不知道堅果也可以熟成。

This is a candle.

這是蠟燭。

Someone just forgot to put a wick in it.

有人忘了在裡面放燈芯。

Someone took a lifetime's worth of earwax

有人存了一生的耳垢

and like compounded it.

來混合做成它。

That's exactly what it looks like,

它看起來完全就是那樣，

and now that's really gross that you.

你講了之後現在它看起來超級噁心。

Okay, so this actually has a more cheese-like feel.

好，這個觸感有比較像起司了。

Oh man, that smells diabolical.

喔天啊，聞起來糟透了。

It smells like kind of sour.

聞起來有點酸臭。

This one's way better than the last one.

這一個比上一個好太多了。

No it isn't.

才沒有。

I am so upset to say that it works.

我很難過的說真的很像耳垢。

I think this one's way better.

我覺得這一個好多了。

It's still a little mealy and weird.

它還是有一點粉狀而且很怪。

It really doesn't taste like any sort of cheese,

它吃起來不像任何一種起司，

but it's not bad.

但還不賴。

It has hashtag cheese karma, so...

它有標註起司因果，所以...

Look at this label!

看這個標籤！

It says follow your heart.

它說跟隨你的心。

The liberal packaging really pisses me off.

這個自由主義的包裝真讓我生氣。

I'm with you.

我有同感。

It even feels like cheese.

它甚至摸起來像起司。

Feel this, it's got like a...

感覺一下，像是...

Oh, it got that bounce.

喔，它有彈性。

Smells awful.

聞起來糟透了。

No.

不。

Oh.

喔。

Oh, no.

喔，不。

Mmmm.

嗯。

Oh-ho-ho.

喔齁齁。

The consistency is terrible.

它的質感糟透了。

Aftertaste wasn't bad though.

但餘韻還不賴。

Like...

像是...

You know how a trampoline feels?

你知道彈簧床是什麼感覺嗎？

If you took a bite out of that,

如果你咬一口彈簧床，

that's what this would be.

就是這個的感覺。

Yeah, zero out of 10.

十分中給零分。

Tofutti?

豆腐凍？

I love these names, man.

我喜歡這些名字。

This is like my favorite part.

這是我最喜歡的部分。

Oh, you don't know Tofutti?

喔，你不知道豆腐凍嗎？

I don't know Tofutti.

我不知道豆腐凍。

Oh, they make a whole line of ice creams,

喔，他們做一整個生產線的冰淇淋，

and other shitty dairy products.

還有其他乳製品。

Actually, this smells the most promising.

事實上，這個是聞起來最好的。

Why doesn't it taste like anything?

為什麼它吃起來什麼都不像？

It tastes like the real stuff.

吃起來像真的起司。

Yeah, I feel like you could fool me with this.

對，我覺得你可以用這個來騙倒我。

I think it would taste much worse hot though.

我覺得如果加熱會吃起來更糟。

I could eat this whole thing.

我可以把它整個吃完。

That's pretty un-offensive.

非常不冒犯。

Treeline cheese.

林線起司。

Treenut cheese.

堅果起司。

Aged artisanal treenut cheese.

熟成手工堅果起司。

You could probably put this in someone's bathroom

你可以把這個放在某人的浴室裡

and they would wash their hands with it.

他們八成會拿它來洗手。

You know that brand, Crabtree and Evelyn,

你知道那個品牌嗎，Crabtree and Evelyn，

they make candles and soaps?

做蠟燭和肥皂的。

Smells like Play-doh, looks like Play-doh.

聞起來像培樂多黏土，看起來也像培樂多。

It feels like Play-doh.

摸起來像培樂多。

I feel like if Urban Outfitters sold cheese

如果 Urban Outfitters 賣起司

this is how it would be packaged.

大概就會包裝成這樣。

This is really good.

真的很好。

This is a very pleasing cheese.

這起司很好吃。

It's not bad.

不錯。

Yeah, I mean this fanta cheese is working out.

我覺得這個芬達起司還不賴。

They made tree nuts taste kind of like blue cheese.

他們把堅果做得吃起來像藍起司。

This is fun to play with.

這很好玩。

K for Keith and a K for Hillary.

K 代表 Keith，另一個 K 是 Hillary。

So this is artisanal vegan cheese

這是手工素起司。

from a shop in Los Angeles.

來自洛杉磯的一間店。

Vromage.

Vromage。

Vromage.

Vromage。

So vegan fromage.

所以是純素奶酪。

It looks nicer than the other one.

它看起來比其他的好多了。

Sounds kind of douchey.

聽起來蠻無腦的。

Oh yeah, I can put this on everything.

太好了，我可以把它加在所有東西上。

Oh man.

天啊。

I like it.

我喜歡它。

I like it.

我喜歡它。

Oh yeah.

喔耶。

Yeah.

耶。

Yeah.

耶。

I could do this.

這個我可以。

They'll never get the texture right.

他們不可能把質感做對。

I think we just have to accept that.

我想我們只能接受這點。

This is a sweet little girl.

真是個甜蜜的小女孩。

Let me taste more of that.

讓我多品嘗一點。

Were those two bites like a $1.50 of cheese?

這兩口像是 $1.50 的起司嗎？

This opened me up to a whole new world.

它為我開啟了新的世界。

I think I'm going to stick to milk cheese.

我想我還是會堅守牛奶起司。

We've come a long way in vegan cheese.

素起司已經進步很多了。

We've got a long way still to go.

我們還有很長的路要走。

We have such a long way to go.

還有超大的進步空間。

I wonder if all this vegan cheese

我很好奇這些素起司

is going to make my poop look weird.

會不會讓我的大便看起來很怪。