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  • Love Sense: from Infant to Adult

  • Two experts in bonding look at key responses in love relationships.

  • Science tells us clearly, that bonding goes from the cradle to the grave.

  • Staying close to a protective loved one is the main survival strategy of our species.

  • We can now look at pivotal moments in the dance we call bonding in infancy and romantic love,

  • and pinpoint the core moves in the emotional dance,

  • that defines so much of our lives and our happiness.

  • This drama has just five basic moves.

  • We reach, invite connection,

  • if we don't get a response we protest and push,

  • or we turn away and shut down to protect ourselves from rejection.

  • We finally go into meltdown.

  • In a good relationship, we find a way to turn back and reconnect.

  • If we love, we will do anything we can to get a response from our loved one.

  • Some of you have seen how this drama pans out in a YouTube video,

  • my lab released a few years ago, called the still face.

  • In it we see the powerful impact a simple lack of emotional response has on a child,

  • and the emotional gymnastics the child goes through to try to deal with this lost connection.

  • We need loving contact like oxygen.

  • We really do not have many ways to deal with the pain of disconnection at any age.

  • We will show you this original video,

  • and then show you how the exact same drama plays out with adult lovers.

  • Oh my girl, oh

  • And she gives a greeting to the baby, the baby gives a greeting back to her.

  • This baby starts pointing at different places in the world,

  • and the mother is trying to engage her and play with her.

  • They're working to coordinate their emotions and their intentions -

  • what they want to do in the world.

  • And that is really what the baby is used to.

  • And then we ask the mother to not respond to the baby.

  • The baby very quickly picks up on this,

  • and then she uses all of her abilities to try and get the mother back.

  • She smiles at the mother.

  • She points, because she is used to the mother looking where she points.

  • The baby puts both hands up in front of her,

  • and says: "What is happening here?"

  • She makes that screechy sound at the mother,

  • like: "Come on, why aren't we doing this?"

  • Even in this two minutes,

  • when they don't get the normal reaction, they react with negative emotions.

  • They turn away.

  • They feel the stress of it.

  • They actually may lose control of their posture,

  • because of the stress, that they're experiencing.

  • Now, let's look at the exact same drama in an adult couple,

  • at a moment when emotional connection is lost.

  • We're going to be filming the session today so that you can watch it later, yeah?

  • Okay, I'll be back in just a second.

  • I think, this is gonna be good.

  • Yeahyeah

  • I also think, that we're gonna have fun at my sister's birthday on Saturday.

  • I love it, when you and I do things together as a couple.

  • Yeah, look I think we already talked about this, so I'm not… I don't want to go.

  • It is just not my thing, so I'm just gonna stay home and watch TV.

  • But you said you would, and this matters to me.

  • It is important, that we do things with my family.

  • That we all be together.

  • What is happening here?

  • Are you gonna talk to me?

  • Now, you're putting up your wall, like you always do?

  • Are you listening to me?

  • Look, I just don't see how your family reunion is my issue, okay?

  • Don't… can we talk about it later? We'll talk about it later.

  • It seems like my feelings, and what is important to me is never an issue with you.

  • This matters to me Ted, and you said you would come.

  • Don't… we can talk about it later.

  • You don't… you don't get so upset.

  • This is where I feel, like we're not even a couple.

  • That you don't care about my feelings.

  • And we never talk about these things.

  • Okay, now you're just being critical, and that is not talking you know.

  • After this I'm just gonna go back to work.

  • I feel like I'm all alone here. Where are you anyway?

  • Why do you have to make such a… it is like a total emotional thing.

  • It is not a big deal, okay.

  • Do I matter to you at all?

  • You are mean. Mean and selfish!

  • You don't care about anybody, but your self!

  • Why did you marry me then?

  • Good questionwhy did I?

  • You care, if I hurt? You're just not there for me!

  • When we feel cut off from our loved one, we go into a kind of panic.

  • We have lost the connection, that is our main source of safety and comfort.

  • The baby becomes overwhelmed by fear and anguish,

  • when the mother does not respond to her.

  • She loses her balance, her ability to regulate her emotions.

  • There is no solution here to her sense of abandonment.

  • We see the same kind of process in Jill.

  • Yes, Jill is a strong capable lady,

  • but her mammalian brain codes this situation as totally painful, and as a danger cue.

  • She cannot rely on Ted to respond to her, when she needs him.

  • The reaching, calling, protesting, desperate demanding, and turning away, and meltdown

  • are the same in adult and infant.

  • Now, let's see a moment of repair in both relationships

  • I'm hereand what are you doing?

  • Okay, look you're really upset, and it is not you.

  • Okay, it is not you.

  • And you're right, when it comes to this topic, I just shut right down.

  • It is just your familyit is just so intimidating.

  • And you know, they're always asking questions about my career,

  • and how I'm doing, and how we're doing, and it just is a little much.

  • I just… I just block it out, okay?

  • But it is notit is not you.

  • And you're really upset right now.

  • And I don't want to see you upset.

  • And I don't want you to think, that I don't care about your feelings.

  • When this thing is done, and we'll get out of here,

  • and we'll just talk some more,

  • because you're right, we have to talkokay, okay babe?

  • I'm sorry.

  • This is the moment of repair, that seems to separate love that lasts

  • from love that ends up in the divorce court, or constant conflict.

  • Every bond has moments of painful disconnection,

  • but as long as there is a way out of the aloneness,

  • and the connection can be restored the bond becomes safe again.

  • The key is that Ted finally tunes into his lady's distress.

  • And responds on an emotional level.

  • Just like the mother with the infant.

  • Ted helps Jill with her vulnerability by just opening up, and being present with her.

  • This contact calms down her nervous system,

  • and now they can talk in a different way about any issues that come up between them.

  • So Ed, now we know that the drama of romantic bonding is an adult version of the bond between parent and child.

  • Exactly, disconnection hurts, and how we handle these inevitable moments of vulnerable disconnection

  • define how these bonds work out for us.

  • We often don't see the impact on our partner of our lack of response to their emotional call.

  • Rightright.

  • Reaching and responding on an emotional level is what transforms these moments of disconnection,

  • but we can get stuck in angrily pushing for a response, or shutting down.

  • Now, we know the basic steps in the bonding dance,

  • and that this dance is often defined by how we deal with our fear of disconnection.

  • and if we're able to move into repair.

  • We are learning to actually shape the dance called lasting love and togetherness -

  • imagine that!

  • This changes everything!

  • You know, Ed, it reminds me of Walt Whitman's comment on life -

  • he said: "We were together. I forget the rest."

Love Sense: from Infant to Adult

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A2 初級 美國腔

愛的感覺:從嬰兒到成人(蘇-約翰遜和埃德-特羅尼克)。 (Love Sense: from Infant to Adult (Sue Johnson and Ed Tronick))

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    Tubo Lee 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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