Our collective, inherited Romantic culture likes to imagine functioning couples doing more or less everything together

我們共同繼承的浪漫文化喜歡想像一對正常的伴侶，應該或多或少會一起做任何事情

and being the centre of each other's lives.

並且是對方生活的中心。

The good couple is, we are told, one in which two people mean more or less everything to one another.

大家都是這樣告訴我們的，一對好的伴侶應該是彼此的一切。

In a sound relationship, we are supposed to meet each other's needs in every area of existence

在一段穩定的關係中，我們應該要滿足彼此各方面的需求

– from sex to intellectual stimulation, cooking styles to bedroom habits.

- 從性愛到知識啟發、烹飪風格和臥室習慣。

We're supposed to lead our social life in tandem, be the primary sounding board for one another's

我們的社交生活理應在同一條平行線上，遇到困難時做對方可靠的伴侶

problems and complete each other in spirit and in matter.

並在精神和物質上完整彼此。

If they're involved in a sport, we should at once join in or at least come and support them every weekend; if we

如果他們參與一項運動，我們應該馬上加入或至少每週末去支持他們。如果我們

want to visit a particular country, they are supposed to trot along enthusiastically with us;

想要去一個特定的國家，他們必須熱情地加入我們；

our friends are meant to be their friends… It sounds sweet but it is – over the long

我們的朋友也就是他們的朋友... 這聽起來甜蜜，不過這是 - 長期

term – a recipe for disaster. No two people can ever match each other across all areas

下來 - 一個絕對的悲劇。沒有兩個人能夠真正在各方面

of existence; and the attempt to do so inevitably ushers in bitterness and rage. We have, at

契合；企圖這樣做只會無法避免地帶來痛苦和憤怒。我們

the collective level, given ourselves a hugely unhelpful picture of how love should go. Any

在集體層面上，對於愛應該如何發展，給了自己一個巨大而無用的想像。任何

independent move is read like a sign that we can't actually love one another: it is

單獨行動被解讀成一個我們不能真正愛人的表現：如果

taken to be a sign of imminent danger if we visit other countries on our own or sleep

我們自己去其他的國家旅行或分開睡覺，便被當成一個即將發生的

apart. So we end up badgering each other to do things that we don't really like (we

危機。所以我們最終相互糾纏對方去做一些我們不是真正喜歡 (我們

force each other to endure tedious hobbies or see each other's peculiar old friends),

逼迫彼此去忍受對方無聊的嗜好或是和對方的老朋友見面)

not even because we inherently want to do so but because any other arrangement has come

並不是因為我們本來就想要這麼做，而是因為任何其他的安排都會被

to seem like evidence of betrayal. A more realistic and in the proper sense Romantic

視為背叛的證據。一個對於伴侶而言比較實在，也更適當的浪漫意識

view of couples would suggest that there have to be a few strong areas where we can meet

會建議大家必須在幾個重要的領域是能夠彼此滿足

each others needs, but that there should also be plenty of others where we are clearly better

對方的需求，同時在很多其他的領域當中，自己單獨追求目標顯然

off pursuing our goals on our own. Consider the following list of independent activities

要更好。思考以下獨立活動的列表

and give them stars (from one to five) if they strike you as relevant: I'd like to

如果感到和你有關，就打上星號 (從一到五)：我想要

… – Travel without my partner – Have dinner one to one with a friend – Be able

... - 一個人旅行 - 和朋友單獨共進晚餐 - 能夠

to go to a party without my partner, and not have them feel left out – Visit my parents

不和伴侶一塊參加派對，並不讓他們感覺被冷落 - 自己去見

alone – Have my own financial adviser – Go for long walks on my own – Have a separate

父母 - 擁有個人的理財顧問 - 獨自散步 - 擁有個別

bathroom – Go shopping with a friend rather than with my partner Look at each other's

的浴室 - 和朋友一起去血拼而不是和我的伴侶。檢視彼此的

stars and list. Is there anything that you feel you could accommodate? We should recognise

星號和列表。有什麼是你覺得能夠遷就的？我們必須接受

that a degree of independence isn't an attack on a partner: it's a guarantee of the solidity

某種程度上的獨立並不是對於伴侶的攻擊：而是對於自己所立下承諾

of the underlying commitment one has made. Truly stable couples aren't those that do

的一個可靠保證。真正穩定的伴侶不是那些什麼事都非得

everything together, it's those that have managed to interpret their differences in

一起做，而是那些能夠用不浮誇、忠誠的言詞去

non-dramatic, non-disloyal terms. Ultimately, a reduction of dependence doesn't mean a

理解彼此差異性的。最終，降低依賴並不代表一段

relationship is unraveling: it means that we have learnt to focus more clearly and intently

關係陷入危機：它代表的是我們已經學會更清楚、更專注

on what the other person can actually bring us and have stopped blaming them for not being

在另一個人能夠真正帶給我們的東西，並停止因為他們不能夠成為

someone they never were. We no longer need to be upset that their ideal holiday destination

某人而責備他們。我們不用再為了他們的理想假期不吸引我們

strikes us as unappealing, or that their friends seem boring. We have learnt, instead, to value

或者他們的朋友感覺很無趣而生氣。我們學會的是珍惜那些我們

them for the areas where we truly see eye to eye. To enjoy a harmonious union with someone,

都很重視的領域。去享受一個和諧的共處

we should ensure that we have plenty of sources of excitement, reassurance and stimulation

我們應該確保在他們之外我們擁有足夠令人興奮、安心

outside of them. When we hit problems, we should be able to lean on other support.

、和激勵的來源。當我們遇到困難，我們應該能夠依靠其他的支持。

The demand that another person compensate us for all that's alarming, wearing or deficient

要求另一個人在各方面與我們互補是令人擔憂、讓人疲乏的，我們生命中

in our lives is a mechanism for systematically destroying any relationship. Our conflicts

的不足是一種系統性摧毀任何一段關係的機制。如果

and disappointments will at once feel more manageable when we stop asking our partner

我們停止要求伴侶作為我們長期失去的另一半自己，我們的衝突和失望

to function as our long lost other half. The more we can survive without a relationship,

將立刻變得更易於管理。我們越能在一段關係外生存

the greater will be its chances of survival and fulfillment. We will truly give love a

這段關係能夠繼續和實現的機會就越大。當我們停止相信愛能夠一手拯救我們的同時

chance when we stop believing it can single-handedly save us.

我們才是真正給予愛一個機會。