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  • -Wow. -All right.

  • -Wow. -All right.

  • -So, here's how it works.

  • In front of each of us

  • are two envelopes containing confessions.

  • One confession is true, the other is a lie.

  • Once you read your confession,

  • the other two players have 60 seconds to interrogate you.

  • And they have to guess if you've been lying or telling the truth.

  • John, you'll go first.

  • Pete, which envelope should John open?

  • -Wait. Mine or his? -His.

  • -Oh. Number two.

  • I don't know. -Yeah, I know.

  • It doesn't really matter, this part of it, yeah.

  • Well, this could be the lie or the truth, we don't know.

  • -Cool. -All right.

  • -He's selling already. Look at him.

  • -Are we doing it correctly? -Yes.

  • -Is this mine or his? -No, this is his.

  • -So what am I -- Who am I talking about, you?

  • -You're talking about you. -Oh. All right.

  • -Do you get it? -Yeah, I should read the e-mail.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -All right, gentlemen.

  • [ Clears throat ]

  • My neighbor was arrested by the FBI for being a cannibal.

  • -What? [ Laughter ]

  • Uh, okay, what year was this? -2013.

  • -So, cannibalism, totally illegal at this point.

  • -So, wait -- [ Laughter ]

  • Is this L.A.? -New York.

  • -Oh. [ Laughter ]

  • -Oh, oh, wow, yeah. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • That could actually happen. Yeah, okay.

  • -The FBI got involved, but how did you know?

  • They knocked on -- They asked questions of you?

  • -When the FBI was swarming our lobby

  • and arrested this guy in a 6:00 a.m. raid.

  • -Now, did you have any clue that he was suspicious of anything?

  • -No, he never said to me in the elevator, "Guess what."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I might be a cannibal."

  • -It's freaking me out, because his voice is, like,

  • what interrogation is.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You're like, "I was there." -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • -"I was there. It was 6:00 a.m."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -A pre-dawn raid. -Yeah.

  • -Did the guy ever act odd at all?

  • -He was quiet. -Yeah.

  • -But he was so hungry. -What was his name?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I don't know his name.

  • -Oh, oh. Interesting.

  • Didn't have a -- didn't have a Nickname for him?

  • -No, it was a big building in New York,

  • so I didn't have names for everyone.

  • [ Buzzer ]

  • -I say no, 'cause if it was L.A.,

  • I would buy it, but I don't think

  • people are eating people here. [ Laughter ]

  • -I think it's the opposite. -You think it's the opposite?

  • -I think New York has got some crazy, seedy stuff happening.

  • -No, L.A. -- they'll cut your head off here,

  • but out there, they'll cut it off and eat it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's Hollywood. -I know.

  • What are you gonna say? -I'm gonna say no.

  • I think it's false. -I'm gonna say --

  • I'm gonna say, no, it's false.

  • -It's true. -No!

  • -What?!

  • What are you talking about? -What?

  • -What? -All right. All right.

  • -How did I not hear about this?

  • -Do you remember the cannibal cop?

  • -What? -Who remembers the cannibal cop?

  • -Yes, yes. -You remember that story?

  • All right. There was a cop, and he was --

  • He was online. He was on message boards.

  • He's going, "I'm gonna eat people.

  • I'm gonna kill and eat people." And then other people would go,

  • "I'm gonna kill people with you and eat them, too," you know?

  • -What messages boards are you on?

  • [ Laughter ] -I'm not on these, all right?

  • My neighbors and friends are. -Oh, okay.

  • -So, our neighbor was on a message board with him

  • and was planning to kidnap

  • and eat someone with the cannibal cop.

  • They did a sting operation where an FBI agent

  • pretended to be another interested cannibal

  • who was also hungry for people. [ Laughter ]

  • And then he was like, "Let's meet at 6:00 a.m.,

  • and we'll go get someone and eat 'em."

  • My neighbor goes, "Yes,"

  • and the FBI shows up at 6:00 a.m.

  • and arrests my neighbor, and we have not spoken since.

  • -Wow! [ Laughter ]

  • Unbelievable. Well done. Wow.

  • I thought that one was out there.

  • -I mean, yeah.

  • -I thought that one was out there.

  • -Yeah. -I did not see that --

  • -You've probably told me this before.

  • -I haven't. I've lived a full life.

  • There's many stories. [ Laughter ]

  • -All right. It's my turn.

  • Which envelope should I open? Does it matter?

  • One or two? -One.

  • -You sure? Two is pretty good.

  • -No, I like one.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Here we go.

  • I once went for a beer with a musician

  • and woke up in a hotel room in Nashville.

  • ♪♪

  • -Where did the evening start?

  • -New York. -Yes.

  • It's true. [ Laughter ]

  • -You have to ask questions! -Nope.

  • -You have to ask questions. -It's true.

  • I know you. It's true.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -You have to ask questions, though.

  • -It's fill time. I think it's true, too.

  • -It's 100% true. -You both know what happened.

  • -Uh, what instrument did the musician play?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Mandolin. No, I'm just kidding.

  • No, a guitar. -Okay.

  • -Do you recall any of the trip from New York to Nashville?

  • -I remember, yes, getting to Nashville.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -You recall -- You came alert in Nashville?

  • -Yeah, I was in Nashville.

  • I totally remembered that part of it, yeah,

  • and then I just didn't know that I was gonna stay over there.

  • -Was this the first time you met this musician?

  • -No. -Okay.

  • -Is it a one-guy band? -No, interesting.

  • That's a good question. -Yeah.

  • -No, like a one-man-band thing? -Yeah.

  • -No. It was a duo.

  • -It's a duo? -A duo?

  • -A duo. -Interesting.

  • -Yeah. -A mandolin and something else.

  • With what? [ Laughter ]

  • [ Buzzer ]

  • -Yeah. You both were just asking me fake --

  • You think it really happened. -Of course.

  • -Of course. -It's so true.

  • [ Laughter ] Come on.

  • -Yeah, it is true. Yeah.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • But you didn't even question it. Why didn't you question it?

  • -Because, it's just like -- -It just ended up happening.

  • -Yeah. -We've all been there.

  • -All right, all right. [ Laughter ]

  • All right, yeah. -Wait, so --

  • -So, who was it? -It was John Rich, and he --

  • -Who? -Of Big & Rich.

  • -Who? -Big & Rich.

  • -It's country music. -Oh.

  • -They were on the -- [ Laughter ]

  • They were on "The Bachelor" one time.

  • -So my reaction was correct. -Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -We're not guessing because you're correct.

  • Yeah, yeah. -All right, cool.

  • -Pete, it's your turn.

  • I'm going to choose envelope number one, of course.

  • -All right. -Yeah, that's the one.

  • I can't believe, not one question.

  • You were like, "Yeah, it's done."

  • -I vamped. -Yeah, you did.

  • -Lorne Michaels and I went to Jamaica together

  • on vacation for New Year's.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I really want that to be a lie.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Wait. Lorne Michaels, who is -- -Our boss.

  • -Our boss. He started all of our careers.

  • -Yeah. -Went to Jamaica with you?

  • -No, I went with him -- for New Year's.

  • -You went with him? -Pete couldn't foot the bill.

  • -When I was 20.

  • -I don't know if I would ever, ever go to Jamaica with you.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I might as well go to Nashville and wake up in Nashville.

  • -Yeah.

  • -There's really nothing in Jamaica

  • that you haven't duplicated here in the United States.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That is totally true. -Wait. You were 20?

  • -Yeah. -Oh, 20 years old.

  • -What year did -- How old were you when you began

  • being on "Saturday Night Live"?

  • -20. -20? The first year?

  • -The first season? -Yeah.

  • -The first season you're never really

  • that close with Lorne, though. -Right.

  • -New Year's, too? -Yeah.

  • -Over the break. -Spending a holiday with Lorne?

  • -Eight episodes in. 20 years old.

  • -Eight episodes in... -Yes.

  • -...a man, your senior... -Yeah.

  • -...goes, "That kid, Jamaica." [ Buzzer ]

  • -Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • [ Drum roll ]

  • -No. -I mean, 'cause I could see

  • maybe now you and Lorne maybe might vacation somewhere,

  • meet up somewhere, but at the time?

  • -I mean, Jamaica -- the two of them walking around Jamaica.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I vote -- -No.

  • -I want it to be true, but I'll go no.

  • -I want it to be true. I'm saying no, not true.

  • -It is true. [ Laughter ]

  • -I'm terrible at this game!

  • -What?! -Wow!

  • I'm terrible at this game. What? How?

  • What do you mean?

  • -Oh, he grew me in the office.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • No, he was -- I just -- He just was like,

  • "I'm going to Jamaica. Do you want to come?"

  • And I was like, "[Bleep] yeah, dude."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Did you guys, like, stay next to each other in the hotel?

  • -Yeah, I stayed -- Well, I stayed --

  • I didn't want to stay -- He offered to stay where he was,

  • but I didn't want to, like, you know, be me around him.

  • So I stayed at the hotel 10 minutes away.

  • 'Cause I would've been fired if I stayed there.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I have to give him his -- -You smoked that much weed?

  • -Oh, my God. -Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

  • -Yeah, oh, my God. -Yeah.

  • -Our thanks to John Mulaney, Pete Davidson!

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Check them out on

  • "Saturday Night Live" this weekend!

-Wow. -All right.

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A2 初級 美國腔

約翰-穆拉尼和皮特-戴維森的真情告白。 (True Confessions with John Mulaney and Pete Davidson)

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    吳即平 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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