wishing you were a better version of yourself.

Stop allowing your friends to jack all the babes

that belong to you.

It is your duty to grab the bull by the dick

and listen to your best bud, Rock O Flash,

'cause I'm taking you to the top baby.

You think I bought this mansion and made all my money

acting like the old me, (beeps) no.

Throw the old you away.

Remember my 28 rules to live by, force people to like you.

Number 11, smack your way to success, yes, I said it.

Hit people.

Your hands are alarm clocks, waking up the normal population

to the new you.

What do we think about those normies?

(snores)

They're boring.

Rule 12, you are what you say you are.

I've officiated countless weddings, am I ordained?

Hell no I'm not ordained.

Are you kidding me?

Rule 13, 14, and 15, buy the glasses,

successful people wear a constant emotional mask.

Link in bio.

- No more crying about Regina, no more feeling like a loser,

embrace the new, take it all.

(sniffs)

I am Son O Flash.

(rock music)

- Son, I made a cake version of that Himalayan plane crash

I was in.

(dramatic music)

(yells)

- Smack that, cake is empty calories old man.

- That was an ice cream therapy cake son.

We were supposed to re-eat my friends in sweet treat form

to help me work through the guilt

of what I had to do to survive.

- Rule 20, the past is trash.

Son O Flash don't like that sugar dirt.

What up, what up?

- While it was rough surviving off human flesh,

but at least no one smacked it out of my hands.

(sad music)

- I'm sorry dad, that was mean, my bad,

hey look down there, I think some

of your cake is still chill.

(smacks)

- A-man As-ra-el.

- Right in the sneezer you geezer.

You just got double timed.

Rule number eight, deception is cool,

with a little rule five, don't just beat your opponent,

shame them.

- I made that cake to that when Regina and Zeke get here

we can eat my dead friends together.

I can see now the only dead friend here is you.

(slams)

- Whatever, when the homies come over,

they're going to love the new me.

They're gonna have to.

(rock music)

- [Old Man] Son.

- [Son] Not now dad.

- [Old Man] Hey son.

- [Son] Get out.

- [Old Man] I love you son.

(laughs)

- [Zeke] The village elder rides up on his unicorn

and presents you with modest bouquet of flowers,

he hopes this small but meaningful token

and the gratitude of his people will be enough reward

for slaying the hyper-kraken.

- Well it's not.

Chill-bro refuses the offer and smacks that bundle of weeds

he demands the elders unicorn as payment.

- Son, what are you doing?

- Rule four, don't stop squeezing when you got 'em

by the balls baby.

Now's the perfect time to renegotiate the deal.

- But we swore a secret oath to save the village

of the elder pixies.

- Chill-bro Braggins, barbarian investor playboy,

doesn't give a sniff about his word.

Rule nine, truth is what you make it.

- The elder reluctantly hands over his majestic companion.

- Bingo, baby.

Chill-bro slits the unicorns throat and starts sawing off

that shiny horn.

- You have to roll the die to see if that can happen.

- Bam.

Chill-bro stuffs the magical horn into his designer satchel,

snaps a pic and sends it to the boys,

the group chat goes crazy.

- The last of the proud unicorns fall to the ground.

It's sad sparkling eyes look up,

a single rainbow tear falls down her cheek

and with that, silence.

- Son, what is going on with you?

Chill-bro Braggins is ruining our reputation

on Triple Earth.

(laughs)

- Babe you are nuts, Chill-bro is mad friendly.

- Friendly?

First you pranked the ice hawk and took a dump in her nest,

then you stole the secret acorn from the world tree

causing the moon of smiles to implode.

And then, (giggles) after he gifted you

the bracelet of respect, you nut tapped Griminger the Wise.

- That was a power move, okay?

Had to establish dominance early in the meeting, rule 24.

- I wish Sunfred had come on this adventure

in place of Chill-bro, he's true hero.

- Sunfred isn't a hero, Sunfred is a weakling

who wishes he was someone else.

Sunfred sits at his computer all day

and he hates himself.

- Since when does Sunfred the paladin have a computer?

- (mumbles) I meant his spell book.

Whatever, you know what?

Chill-bro is pissed.

He orders the villagers to line up by height,

and each stick out their good hand and he grabs his sword,

- I stab Chill-bro on the back before he can terrorize

the elder pixies.

- Critical hit, Chill-bro falls dead,

villagers give somber cheer as victory

is quickly overshadowed by tragic loss of last unicorn.

- Whatever, ya'll a bunch of storm-tastic snoozes anyway.

I'm a get my rule book and see if Chill-bro

can haunt you literal backstabbers.

(dramatic music)

So what if the unicorn was the purest creature

on Triple Earth, rule number 16,

if you can make a profit, off it.

Hey dad I got a riddle for ya.

What animal is magical, the last of it's kind,

and super (beeps) dead.

(dramatic music)

- I'm so sorry I ate you Larry.

(weeps)

- I guess this is just the way people treat you

when you've unlocked it.

- [Regina] I don't know what's up with him.

- Yeah, I can't believe he dipped his balls

in the fountain of rejuvenation.

It's like why would you want super young balls?

- Yeah.

- Which means you still have old penis, you know?

- Yeah, I know Zeke.

- It's like why have super young balls,

only to have image ruined by ancient penis.

- Zeke, okay, I get it, honestly,

I just wish he's snap out of it and go back

to the son we all like.

- And from straight on, just stay with me here,

young, fresh balls would be so hard to appreciate

beyond overhang of antique penis.

- Zeke, I get it.

- Why don't they dig the new me?

- Maybe because it's not the real you?

- Whoa, what are you doing up there?

- Well it is a Wednesday evening and I always do

my inverted abdominal workout.

Minimizes workout time while it maximizes the effect.

- Oh, just like rule number,

- Just like nothing boy, let me ask you a question.

Why'd you saw the unicorns horn off?

- To send a sweet pic to the boys?

- Other than that?

- 'cause you can make money off it.

- And why can you make money off a unicorn horn?

- 'cause there's only one unicorn in all of Triple Earth?

- So the unicorn is valuable because it's unique?

- Yeah, I guess, maybe?

- Then why are you trying to be another blank-faced soldier

in Rocko's army of imbeciles?

Now I used to know a boy who lived at the end of this hall,

who was one of the most unique, stubborn, funny, (beeps) up

unicorns I ever met.

And I liked that boy, be a shame if I never saw him again.

(groans)

(sad music)

- [Tv] Throw the old you away, buy the glasses,

smack your way to success, take it all, buy the glasses,

don't forget to buy the shadow booklet

with up to 20 extra rules, including rule number 35,

throw your friends and family away, do it alone,

always carry nun chucks, you never know.

Rule number 37, buy the (beeps) glasses.

(soft music)

- Hey guys, sorry I was being such a troll dong,

is there any room on this quest for a paladin

with plus 12 regret for being mean to his friends?

(laughs)

- Of course, join the feast, the village decided

to cook the unicorn to celebrate death of Chill-bro.

- You know they say unicorn meat

is the sweetest in existence.

- Why I hunger so, I could've consumed a horse,

or horned equivalent.

(laughs)

- Glad to have you back son.

By the way, that guy Rock O Flash,

turns out he's a bestiality pedofile.

(dramatic music)

(laughs)

He's a puppet (beeps)

(funky music)

- [Man] Sweet.

(upbeat music)