吉米-金梅爾的計劃從特朗普手中拯救我們 (Jimmy Kimmel's Plan to Save Us from Trump)

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I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.
WE HAD SO MUCH FUN STUFF PLANNED
FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WE WORKED ON IT ALL DAY.
WE HAD A "BACHELOR IN PARADISE,"
KIDS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL.
WE WERE GOING TO TALK ABOUT --
THERE'S A HORRIBLE NEW PAIR OF
UGGS WE WERE GOING TO DISCUSS.
I EVEN THOUGHT HEY, MAYBE WE
WON'T TALK ABOUT DONALD TRUMP
MUCH TONIGHT.
AND THEN HE OPENED HIS MOUTH AND
ALL MANNER OF STUPID CAME OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I'M NOT JOKING WHEN I SAY I
WOULD FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE IF
CERSEI LANNISTER WAS RUNNING
THIS COUNTRY AT THIS POINT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW THIS.
I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE HERE ON
VACATION.
IT STARTED -- IT WAS SUPPOSED TO
BE A PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT
INFRASTRUCTURE, AND IT ENDED
WITH OUR PRESIDENT MAKING AN
ANGRY AND PASSIONATE DEFENSE OF
WHITE SUPREMACISTS.
IT WAS LIKE IF YOUR BOOK CLUB
MEETING TURNED INTO A COCK
FIGHT.
IT REALLY WAS REMARKABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW WHO DECIDED IT
WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO SEND HIM
OUT THERE TO TALK TO REPORTERS
TODAY.
BUT WHOEVER DID OBVIOUSLY
MISREAD HIS STATE OF MIND AND
THE MOOD IN THIS COUNTRY RIGHT
NOW.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN SAY THIS WITH
REASONABLE CERTAINTY.
THE PRESIDENT IS COMPLETELY
UNHINGED.
THE WHEELS ARE OFF THE WAGON AND
HURTLING TOWARD THE MOON RIGHT
NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVE SOME CLIPS TO SHOW YOU.
AND BEFORE I DO I WANT TO SAY
CLIPS ARE ONE THING.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE EDITED DOWN.
WE CHOOSE THEM FOR CONTENT.
BUT IF YOU GET A CHANCE GO
ONLINE AND WATCH THE WHOLE PRESS
CONFERENCE FROM BEGINNING TO
END.
IT'S ASTONISHING.
THE ONLY THING I CAN COMPARE IT
TO IS REMEMBER WHEN MIKE TYSON
BIT EVANDER HOLYFIELD'S EAR OFF?
AND THEN HE BIT HIS OTHER EAR
OFF?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS WAS THE PRESIDENTIAL
EQUIVALENT OF THAT.
TRUMP WASN'T EVEN SCHEDULED TO
TAKE QUESTIONS TODAY.
HE WAS GOING TO GIVE A BRIEF
UPDATE ON AN EXECUTIVE ORDER HE
SIGNED TO BOOST INFRASTRUCTURE.
BUT REPORTERS WANTED TO ASK
ABOUT HIS WEAK RESPONSE TO WHAT
HAPPENED IN CHARLOTTESVILLE, AND
THINGS WENT INFRASTRUCING NUTS
FROM THERE.
>> HONESTLY IF THE PRESS WAS NOT
FAKE AND WAS HONEST THE PRESS
WOULD HAVE SAID WHAT I SAID WAS
VERY NICE.
BUT UNLIKE YOU AND -- EXCUSE ME.
UNLIKE YOU AND UNLIKE THE MEDIA,
BEFORE I MAKE A STATEMENT I LIKE
TO KNOW THE FACTS.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S VERY CAREFUL ABOUT THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE THE FACT THAT TED CRUZ'S
FATHER KILLED JFK AND OBAMA WAS
BORN IN KENYA.
HE'S A STICKLER FOR THE FACTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO WHEN THEY GOT TO HIS
STATEMENT ABOUT PUTTING THE
BLAME FOR THE MURDER AND THE
HATE CRIMES IN CHARLOTTESVILLE
ON MANY SIDES, NOT JUST THE
NAZIS AND KLAN MEMBERS, A
STATEMENT HE TRIED TO SOFTEN
YESTERDAY BY SPECIFICALLY
DENOUNCING THOSE GROUPS, NOT
ONLY DID HE GO BACK TO HIS
ORIGINAL STATEMENT.
HE DOUBLED DOWN AND ACTUALLY
DEFENDED THEIR ACTIONS.
>> WHEN YOU SAY THE ALT-RIGHT,
DEFINE ALT-RIGHT TO ME.
YOU DEFINE IT.
GO AHEAD.
>> I'M SAYING --
>> NO, DEFINE IT FOR ME.
>> SENATOR McCAIN DEFINED THEM
AS THE SAME GROUP --
>> OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE ALT-LEFT
THAT CAME CHARGING -- EXCUSE ME.
WHAT ABOUT THE ALT-LEFT THAT
CAME CHARGING AT AS YOU SAY THE
ALT-RIGHT?
DO THEY HAVE ANY SEMBLANCE OF
GUILT?
LET ME ASK YOU THIS.
WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THEY CAME
CHARGING, THAT THEY CAME
CHARGING WITH CLUBS IN THEIR
HANDS, SWINGING CLUBS?
DO THEY HAVE ANY PROBLEM?
I THINK THEY DO.
>> Jimmy: I THINK WE DO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK IS -- I THINK WE MIGHT
NEED AN ALT-PRESIDENT RIGHT NOW.
>> I WILL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I WATCHED THIS VERY CLOSELY,
MUCH MORE CLOSELY THAN YOU
PEOPLE WATCHED IT.
AND YOU HAVE -- YOU HAD A GROUP
ON ONE SIDE THAT WAS BAD AND YOU
HAD A GROUP ON THE OTHER SIDE
THAT WAS ALSO VERY VIOLENT.
AND NOBODY WANTS TO SAY THAT.
BUT I'LL SAY IT RIGHT NOW.
>> Jimmy: DON'T SAY IT RIGHT
NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DON'T EVER.
SO HE PUT BLAME ON BOTH SIDES.
BUT HE ALSO HAD KIND WORDS FOR
BOTH SIDES.
>> NEO-NAZIS STARTED THIS.
THEY CAME TO CHARLOTTESVILLE,
THEY SHOWED UP IN
CHARLOTTESVILLE --
>> EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
THEY DIDN'T -- YOU HAD SOME VERY
BAD PEOPLE IN THAT GROUP.
BUT YOU ALSO HAD PEOPLE THAT
WERE VERY FINE PEOPLE.
ON BOTH SIDES.
>> Jimmy: VERY FINE PEOPLE ON
BOTH SIDES.
LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF THE VERY
FINE PEOPLE ON THE TRUMP SIDE
THERE.
THIS IS FROM THE RALLY ON
FRIDAY.
>> YOU WILL NOT REPLACE US!
>> Jimmy: SO HERE'S THE THING.
IF YOU'RE WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE
AND THEY'RE CHANTING THINGS LIKE
"JEWS WILL NOT REPLACE US" AND
YOU DON'T IMMEDIATELY LEAVE THAT
GROUP, YOU ARE NOT A VERY FINE
PERSON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND BY THE WAY, TODAY DAVID
DEUX, WHO IS A VERY FINE FORMER
GRAND WIZARD OF THE KKK, TWEETED
"THANK YOU PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR
YOUR HONESTY AND COURAGE TO TELL
THE TRUTH ABOUT
CHARLOTTESVILLE."
WHEN DAVID DUKE THANKS YOU FOR
YOUR HONESTY AND COURAGE,
SOMETHING HAS GONE AWRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN AFTER ALL THIS, AFTER
15 STRAIGHT MINUTES OF
UNPRECEDENTED INSANITY, AND YOU
REALLY SHOULD WATCH THE WHOLE
THING, OUR PRESIDENT, AS HE LEFT
THE PODIUM, SAID THIS.
>> THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> DO YOU PLAN TO GO TO
CHARLOTTESVILLE, MR. PRESIDENT?
>> GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO
THE LEAD.
AND -- WOW.
THAT WAS SOMETHING ELSE.
HE'S STILL TALKING.
LET'S STAY LISTENING.
>> IT'S IN CHARLOTTESVILLE.
YOU'LL SEE.
>> WHERE IS --
>> IT IS THE WINERY.
I MEAN, I KNOW A LOT ABOUT
CHARLOTTESVILLE.
CHARLOTTESVILLE IS A GREAT PLACE
THAT'S BEEN VERY BADLY HURT OVER
THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS.
I OWN ACTUALLY ONE OF THE LARGE
YFT WINERIES IN THE UNITED
STATES.
IT'S IN CHARLOTTESVILLE.
>> Jimmy: HE CAN'T RESIST A
PLUG.
HE JUST CAN'T.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY WINE IS FANTASTIC.
ESPECIALLY THE WHITE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE ARE SOME VERY FINE
BOTTLES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS SO CRAZY.
EVERYBODY'S BEEN ASKING, YOU
THINK TRUMP'S GOING TO LAST FOUR
YEARS?
I'M WONDERING NOW IF ANY OF US
ARE GOING TO LAST FOUR YEARS.
THIS IS -- I HAVEN'T SCREAMED AT
MY TV THIS MUCH SINCE McDREAMY
DIED REALLY IS THE LAST TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE ONLY PERSON WHO'S HAPPY
RIGHT NOW IS SEAN SPICER.
HE'S DOING BACKFLIPS WHEREVER
THE HELL HE IS.
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.
I WANT TO SPEAK TO THOSE OF YOU
WHO VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP.
AND FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO SAY
I GET IT.
I ACTUALLY DO.
YOU'RE UNHAPPY WITH THE WAY
THINGS WERE GOING.
YOU WANTED SOMEONE TO COME IN
AND SHAKE THINGS UP.
YOU DIDN'T WANT BUSINESS AS
USUAL.
NOTHING EVER SEEMS TO GET DONE.
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.
THESE CANDIDATES MAKE A LOT OF
PROMISES THAT GO NOWHERE.
IT HAPPENS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
AND YOU'RE SICK OF IT.
AND SO THIS GUY SHOWS UP RIDING
DOWN A GOLDEN ESCALATOR.
HE'S NOT PART OF THE POLITICAL
ESTABLISHMENT.
IN FACT, HE'S THE OPPOSITE OF
THAT.
HE'S A BILLIONAIRE.
MAYBE.
HE'S WRITTEN BOOKS.
HE'S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.
HE'S NOT EVEN CORRECT USUALLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE TALKS TOUGH.
HE WANTS TO DRAIN THE SWAMP.
SOMETIMES HE CAN BE FUNNY.
HE RIPS INTO HIS OPPONENTS IN A
WAY POLITICIANS NEVER DO, HAVE
NEVER DONE BEFORE.
AND YOU THOUGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS GUY'S DIFFERENT AND THAT'S
WHAT I WANT.
DIFFERENT.
LET'S ROLL THE DICE, LET'S GET
HIM IN THERE, HAVE HIM RUN THE
COUNTRY LIKE A BUSINESS.
CUT THE DEAD WEIGHT, TOUGHEN
EVERYONE UP.
LET'S SHAKE THIS ETCH-A-SKETCH
HARD AND START OVER.
SO YOU VOTE FOR HIM.
YOU PICK HIM OVER JEB BUSH AND
TED CRUZ AND JOHN KASICH AND A
DOZEN OTHER REPUBLICANS WHOSE
NAMES WE FORGOT.
AND ULTIMATELY HE BEATS THEM.
HE STROLLS IN, HE BEATS ALL OF
THESE GUYS.
THESE GUYS WHO HAVE BEEN IN
POLITICS FOREVER.
AND THEN HE BEATS THE ULTIMATE
POLITICAL INSIDER, HILLARY
CLINTON, A WOMAN WHO'S BEEN
RUNNING FOR OFFICE -- A WOMAN
WHO RAN FOR PRESIDENT OF HER
MOTHER'S UTERUS IN THE WOMB.
FOREVER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE BEATS HER.
EVERYONE SAID HE COULDN'T.
[ APPLAUSE ]
EVERYONE SAID HE WOULDN'T.
BUT HE DID.
AND IT'S EXCITING BECAUSE THIS
IS YOUR GUY.
YOU PICKED A HORSE LIKE 35-1 AND
SOMEHOW IT PAID OFF.
SO NOW HE'S THE PRESIDENT.
AND IT STARTS OFF OKAY.
MEETS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA AND
THEY SEEM TO HAVE A NICE
CONVERSATION.
THEN HE MOVES INTO THE WHITE
HOUSE.
RIGHT OFF THE BAT HE'S ANGRY AT
THE MEDIA FOR REPORTING THE
CROWD AT HIS INAUGURATION WAS
SMALLER THAN HE THOUGHT IT WAS.
WHICH WAS WEIRD BUT NOT
IMPORTANT REALLY.
AND HE CLAIMED AND STOPPED
RAINING WHEN HE WAS SPEAKING AT
HIS INAUGURAL ADDRESS, WHICH
EVERYONE COULD SEE IT WAS
RAINING.
BUT OKAY.
IT WAS HIS FIRST WEEK.
YOU GIVE HIM A BREAK.
SEW GETS IN THERE, HIRES HIS
DAUGHTER.
HE HIRES HIS SON-IN-LAW.
DEMANDS AN INVESTIGATION OF
VOTER FRAUD EVEN THOUGH HE WON
THE ELECTION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE CALLS THE PRIME MINISTER OF
AUSTRALIA AND HANGS UP ON HIM.
HE WON'T SHAKE ANGELA MERKEL'S
HAND.
HE DOESN'T KNOW FREDERICK
DOUGLASS ISN'T ALIVE.
HE CLAIMS HE CAN'T RELEASE HIS
TAX RETURNS BECAUSE THEY'RE
UNDER AUDIT, THEN SAYS HE'S NOT
GOING TO RELEASE THEM AT ALL.
HE SIGNS A BAN ON MUSLIMS THAT
HE CLAIMS ISN'T A BAN ON
MUSLIMS.
HE COMPLIMENTS THE PRESIDENT OF
THE PHILIPPINES FOR MURDERING
DRUG ADDICTS.
HOURS AFTER A TERROR ATTACK IN
LONDON HE STARTS A FIGHT WITH
THEIR MAYOR.
AFTER CRITICIZING OBAMA FOR
PLAYING GOLF HE PLAYS GOLF EVERY
WEEKEND.
HE ACCIDENTALLY SHARES
CLASSIFIED INTELLIGENCE WITH THE
RUSSIANS.
HE TWEETS A TYPO AT MIDNIGHT,
THEN WAKES UP AND CLAIMS IT WAS
A SECRET MESSAGE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE PRAISES JIM COMEY IN OCTOBER,
CALLS HIM A COWARD IN JUNE.
HE FIRES HIM.
HE LASHES OUT AT HIS OWN
ATTORNEY GENERAL FOR RECUSING
HIMSELF FROM AN INVESTIGATION.
HE HIRES THE MOOCH, HE FIRES THE
MOOCH.
HE BANS THE TRANSGENDER IN THE
MILITARY WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE
IN THE MILITARY HE'S DOING IT.
HE PLAYS CHICKEN WITH KIM JONG
UN.
AND THAT'S JUST SOME OF THE
LIST.
IF I WENT THROUGH ALL OF IT IT
WOULD BE LONGER THAN THE MENU AT
THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
IT WOULD BE HUGE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
SO HERE HE IS BY EVERY
REASONABLE ACCOUNT, AND I'M
USING HIS OWN WORDS HERE, HE IS
A TOTAL DISASTER.
HE SCREWS UP ROYALLY EVERY DAY.
SOMETIMES TWO OR THREE TIMES A
DAY.
WE CAN'T KEEP UP WITH IT.
THINGS COME OUT OF NOWHERE.
EVERY DAY THERE'S SOMETHING
NUTS.
BUT YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO IGNORE
IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO
ADMIT TO THESE SMUG ANNOYING
LIBERALS THAT THEY WERE RIGHT.
THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU WANT
TO DO.
BUT THE TRUTH IS DEEP DOWN
INSIDE YOU KNOW YOU MADE A
MISTAKE.
YOU KNOW YOU PICKED THE WRONG
GUY.
AND IT ISN'T GETTING BETTER.
IT'S GETTING WORSE.
SO YOU CAN DO ONE OF TWO THINGS.
YOU CAN DIG IN LIKE CHRIS
CHRISTIE AT A HOMETOWN BUFFET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OR YOU CAN TREAT THE SITUATION
LIKE YOU WOULD IF YOU'D PUT
"STAR WARS" WALLPAPER UP IN THE
KITCHEN.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT CAUGHT UP.
I WAS EXCITED.
I MADE A MISTAKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND NOW IT NEEDS TO GO.
WELL, NOW HE DOES NEED TO GO.
SO IT'S TIME FOR ESPECIALLY YOU
WHO VOTED FOR HIM --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
-- TO TELL HIM TO GO.
PLEASE.
THINK ABOUT IT.
IT MAKES IT -- HE DOESN'T EVEN
WANT TO BE PRESIDENT.
HE'S MISERABLE.
BUT HE WON'T RESIGN BECAUSE HIS
EGO IS TOO BIG.
HE CAN'T DO IT.
SO EITHER WE IMPEACH HIM, WHICH
COULD HAPPEN BUT IT MIGHT NOT,
OR WE DO WHAT HE WOULD DO IN
THIS SITUATION.
WE NEGOTIATE.
WE MAKE A DEAL.
AND I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO
SOUND NUTS, BUT I HAVE AN IDEA.
SO HEAR ME OUT ON THIS.
I THINK THIS COULD SOLVE ALL OUR
PROBLEMS.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO BE ON
BOARD WITH THIS.
INSTEAD OF PRESIDENT WE MAKE
DONALD TRUMP KING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY?
WE MAKE HIM THE FIRST KING OF
AMERICA.
THINK ABOUT IT.
ENGLAND HAS A QUEEN.
SHE LIVES IN A PALACE.
EVERYONE MAKES A BIG DEAL WHEN
SHE SHOWS UP.
SHE HAS NO POWER AT ALL.
IN THE MORNING THEY PUT A CROWN
ON HER HEAD, SHE STANDS THERE
AND WAVES, SHE GOES BACK TO BED.
THAT'S.
IF THE QUEEN WERE TO WALK OUT ON
THE BALCONY AND OPEN HER SHIRT
NOTHING OVER THERE WOULD CHANGE.
THE QUEEN COULD BE COMPLETELY
BONKERS, IT WOULD MAKE NO
DIFFERENCE AT ALL.
SHE'D STILL BE QUEEN, IT WOULD
STILL BE FINE.
THAT'S WHAT WE NEED TO DO WITH
DONALD TRUMP.
WE NEED TO SET HIM UP IN A
CASTLE, MAYBE IN FLORIDA.
LEAD HIM TO THE TOP.
AND THEN LOCK THE DOOR TO THAT
CASTLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
FOREVER.
EVERYONE CAN CALL HIM YOUR
HIGHNESS.
MAYBE WE GIVE HIM A SCEPTER THAT
HE CAN HOLD.
HE CAN SIT THERE WATCHING "FOX &
FRIENDS," MAYBE CHIP GOLF BALLS
OUT OF THE WINDOW OF HIS TOWER.
THERE'S NO WAY HE TURNS THAT
DEAL INTO.
IF WE TELL HIM HE'S GOING TO BE
THE KING.
WE'VE GOT TO GET CREATIVE HERE.
BECAUSE ENOUGH IS -- DESPERATE
TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE
MEASURES.
AND I'M ASKING YOU, THE PEOPLE
WHO SUPPORTED DONALD TRUMP, TO
STEP IN AND HELP FOR THE GOOD OF
THIS COUNTRY.
MIKE PENCE IS READY.
HE'S BORING.
HE'S RELATIVELY SANE.
HE LOOKS LIKE A NEIGHBOR YOU
MIGHT BORROW A LAWNMOWER FROM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S GET HIM IN THERE BEFORE
IT'S TOO LATE.
LET'S MAKE AMERICA GREAT BRITAIN
AGAIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THERE'S NEVER BEEN A GREATER
DIVISION JUST ABOUT THAN WHAT WE
HAVE RIGHT NOW.
THE HATRED, THE ANIMOSITY.
I WILL BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER.
I'M GOING TO BRING PEOPLE
TOGETHER.
YOU WATCH.
WE'RE GOING TO BRING PEOPLE