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I know what you're thinking.
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You're thinking that right now I'm on the set of Westworld
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or J.J. Abrams' latest sci-fi futuristic concoction,
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but no.
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I'm at the Toto Toilet showroom in Tokyo.
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Joining me right now is a huge fan of Japanese toilets.
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He's talked about them quite a bit over the years.
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Jordan Schlansky.
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Jordan, tell me, what is it about Toto Japanese toilets
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that you love so much?
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I love any toilet bowl that washes your anus.
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People wash every other part of their body
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that is never as dirty with soap and water,
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but the anus, they say, don't worry about it,
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just use this paper.
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I just don't understand.
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Even while the rest of the world washes the anus,
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the United States sits back and says, no, we're okay,
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because a little piece of paper does just as good a job.
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Now I ask you, you're a proud American,
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are you confident in the cleanliness of your anus?
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That's the most patriotic speech,
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I've heard any American give in a long time.
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Meet Mr. Kuwahara.
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You--hi. You work here.
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Oh hi.
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I already did.
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Just do it again.
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Oh, look at that.
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My friend is only interested--
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what happened?
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Oh it sterilized--I thought...
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I thought it was making a point of some kind.
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You're welcome to speak anytime.
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My friend only wishes a toilet with washing capabilities.
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I don't believe washing one's anus should be a luxury.
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I believe washing one's anus is a right, not a privilege.
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Yeah. John F. Kennedy, I think said,
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we have the right and privilege,
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but you've taken that and probably elevated it.
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How does the stream of water know how to hit its mark?
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The average anus point.
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But what if someone was outside the average?
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Mine is more here.
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We don't know what happened,
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but it drifted and it's here now.
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I'm sort of, like this.
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I think it's barbaric that we have to go to the toilet.
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I think the toilet should come to us.
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It comes and finds me when it's time.
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And it just nudges me like a dog
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And I'm like, what the, hey, he's right and then I go.
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This idea is my gift to Toto.
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Thank you.
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So it agrees that it's a good idea. Yes.
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They're--I'm telling you, they're thinking!
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They're thinking!
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When you leave at night,
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these toilets all have adventures.
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You have no idea what they're doing.
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Do you ever get a celebrity voice?
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Because I could be a voice of a new toilet.
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Hello, please have a seat on me.
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I'm American TV comedian, Conan O'Brien.
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Oh...you had a pretty big dinner.
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Easy there, fella.
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Well, thank god we're done.
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See you next time.
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And check me out on TBS, weeknights at 11.
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Do you have toilets that play music?
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Do you think it's necessary to--
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I don't mean to be repetitive
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but I just want a toilet bowl that is low to the ground
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and washes the anus.
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I strongly suspect you're being paid by the Anus Council.
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You have said the word 600 times.
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Anus. Anus. Anus.
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Clean an anus.
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Anus. Anus. Anus. Anus. Anus. Anus.
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Washes the anus. Your anus.
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Anus. The anus. Your anus. My anus. Your anus. Your anus.
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Your anus. Anuses. Your anus. Your anus. Your anus.
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The anus. The anus. One's anus. Anus. The anus. The anus.
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The anus. Dry the anus. Dry the anus. The anus. The anus.
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Other than the anus. Anus. Anus.
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How many seconds does it take to clean your anus?
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How long does this last?
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Oh I have to stop it.
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If that was me,
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my anus would have been destroyed...
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a long time ago.
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What's the longest a human has endured?
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What's the record?
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Has anyone gone four hours straight,
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and my second question is, did he survive?
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And my third question is,
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why are you letting me ask these questions?
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Also, apparently, a power surge recently, in Osaka,
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a man was blasted off the bowl.
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Sorry, that's insanity, sorry.
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He was shot into the air.
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He went out in the sky.
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Okay. Okay.
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Let's call the police.
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This is over.
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This is ridiculous.
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Would you like to maybe come get a drink with us?
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Let's get out of here.
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Let's go. Come on.