Do you wanna learn how to waste your life and be as miserable

你想學習如何浪費你的人生並且

as you possibly can?

想變得越悲慘越好嗎?

Alright then, watch this video carefully, because this might be the difference between

好吧! 仔細看看這部影片， 因為快樂且享受每一天

living happily and enjoying every day or living a life full of miserable sadness.

或是過著一個充滿了痛苦的悲傷人生是有差別的

And misery is not just a destination.

而且痛苦不只是一個終點站

It's a bit like football: a skill set that can be honed and perfected.

它有一點像足球: 那是一個可以被磨練成完美的技能

So in this video, based on the book: How to be Miserable by Randy J. Paterson, you will

所以在這個影片中 根據這本書: 如何變的悲慘，作者:Randy J. Paterson

learn a variety of strategies grouped into 5 easy steps to follow to become less happy.

你能學到多元的策略被分組成五種簡單的步驟，來跟隨它而變得較不開心

Along the way, you may discover that you have already mastered many of them and practice

在過程中，你可能會發現你已經精通了很多步驟

them on a daily basis.

而且你還每天都練習它們

But you can always get better—or perhaps I should say worse.

但你總是能做得更好--或者我該說更糟

First Become an Island unto yourself.

第一，將自己變成一座島

We are a social species.

我們是個社會型的物種

Unlike bears, we are built to spend our time in groups.

不像熊，我們生來就是要生活在群體裡的

Alone on the savannah, we would never have lasted long.

孤單的在一個廣大的，沒什麼樹的土地上，我們不可能撐很久的

For most of human history, we appear to have lived in tribes of around 75-150 and those

在多數的人類歷史上，我們曾被記載生活在人數約75-150的部落

who could not handle the complexity of the relationships would go off on their own.

而那些無法忍受人際關係裡的複雜感之人則會自己離開

Tigers need to eat, after all.

所有人都需要生存嘛

So here we have a great strategy to become more miserable.

所以這樣就有個極好的策略來變的更悲慘

Isolate yourself.

孤立自己

Build an island.

建造一個島

Put up the fence, close the basement door, switch on the computer, and kid yourself that

拉起圍欄，把地下室門關起來，打開電腦，而欺騙自己

you have successfully replaced in-the-flesh social contact.

你就成功地替換掉人跟人的社交接觸了

It is one of the most effective routes to unhappiness that

這為既有的其中最有效率通往不快樂的

exists.

路線

Second Take things seriously.

第二，將事情看得很嚴肅

Very seriously.

非常嚴肅

Very..

非常

very seriously.

非常嚴肅

And take them personally Keep yourself distant and unapproachable.

讓事情往心裡去，和別人保持距離而且不讓人接近

You don't want to spend time with those inferior, inadequate, stupid or unpleasant

你不想要跟那些下等，不足，愚蠢或

people, which by the way should be everyone in your eyes, just judge them as soon as you

不愉快的人相處， 順道一提，就是你看到的每一個人

see them and then remember keep your distance.

看到他們就批評，並記得保持跟他們的距離

If you happen to be with someone and have to spend some time with them, complain.

如果你碰巧跟某人在一起，而且你一定要跟他們相處，抱怨

Complain about anything and everything.

隨便抱怨，抱怨一切

Complain about the weather, about noise, about your neighbors, and my favourite complain

抱怨天氣，噪音，你的鄰居，和我最喜歡的

about the government and the system.

抱怨政府還有系統

Mhh sweet.

真棒啊

Third There are three times that matter.

第三，有三個時刻很重要

The past the future and the present.

過去，未來和現在

Yeeeah..

是呀

Wwe don't need the present.

我們不需要現在

Because you should spend most of your day thinking and living in the past reminding

因為你應該要花費一整天來想念和沉浸在過往

yourself how bad things were, and in the evening try to think and worry about the future, about

提醒自己以前的事多糟， 在晚上盡量思考和擔心未來

things that will most likely never happen, but still, you don't want to waste your

擔心可能不會發生的事，仍然，你不會想要浪費

day without worrying.

你的一天而沒有擔心

So play some scenarios in your head, play the “what if” game.

所以在你的腦袋裡播放一些情景，玩"如果"的遊戲

I mean what if you can't find a job after college?

我的意思是 如果大學畢業後你找不到工作呢?

And if you get sick?

如果你生病呢?

What if you fail your exams next week?

如果下禮拜考試不及格呢?

And for bonus points try to do this right before going to bed so you can maximize the

至於加分嘛，試著在睡覺前做這個 你就可以

misery from it.

把悲慘感放到最大

Think of something that might happen tomorrow, something bad, let your mind consume that.

想想明天可能會發生的事，不好的事，讓它吞噬你的腦袋

Now roll over and slide gently off to sleep.

現在轉過身而緩緩的睡著

Good luck with that.

祝你好運

Fourth One of the best ways to be miserable is to

第四， 其中最好能變得悲慘的方法是

relinquish your goals altogether, thus becoming utterly directionless.

放棄你所有的目標， 從而變得徹底的沒有目標

But if, like many people, misery is not your only goal, then you can dissatisfy yourself

但如果，像很多人一樣，痛苦不是你唯一的目標，那你就可以用你做不同

with the way you approach your various missions.

事情、任務的態度讓自己感到不滿

Instead of setting SMART goals which stand for Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic

而不是設立聰明的目標那代表具體性、可測量性、可被完成的、實際的

and Time-Defined.

有時間限制的

Set all of your immediate goals VAPID: Vague, Amorphous, Pie in the Sky, Irrelevant and

設立你當前的目標VAPID: 模糊的、無組織的、觸手不可及的、不重要的

Delayed.

且延遲的

Most ultimate goals are a long way off— and If you allow yourself to focus on the

多數最終的目標有很長的路要走-如果你允許自己專注在

smaller steps, you will frequently find that you have succeeded.

微小的步驟，你能經常發現你已經成功了

This runs the risk of increasing your enthusiasm to continue on the path you set for yourself.

這有增加你的熱忱並繼續往你所設下的路走的風險

Soo, be sure to never do that.

所以，記得絕對不要這麼做

Instead, stubbornly attend to the ultimate goal.

相反的，固執的依照你的最終目標

If there are fifty steps in the process, you will get forty-nine identical answers of

假如過程中有50步，你將會得到49完全相似的答案

“Not Yet.”

"還沒到"

That way you can maintain the aura of failure for almost the entire journey.

如此在整段旅程中你能保持失敗的氣氛

This will make sure that your interest and motivation degrades, and you are likely to

這樣能保證你的興趣和動機降低，而你也比較會

give up long before you reach the finish line.

遠遠在抵達終點線前就放棄

Fifth And finally

第五也是最後一步

Let fear paralyze you, and please do not leave your comfort zone.

讓恐懼麻痺你，拜託不要離開你的安全區

If you have the urge to do something new or make a change in your life, immediately stop

如果你有意願想要嘗試新事物，或者在你的生活做個改變，馬上停止

and let it pass.

而讓這感覺過去

Simply obey your impulses.

只要順從於你的直覺

If your impulses say that you should avoid dogs, heights, people, talking to your crush,

如果你的直覺告訴你應該要躲開狗狗、高處、人群、跟你暗戀的人說話

enclosed spaces, traveling, asking questions, relationships, airplanes, tests, medical exams,

密閉空間、旅行、問問題、感情、飛機、考試、醫學考試

job interviews, and all potential humiliations.

工作面試、和所有潛在的丟臉

Than do exactly that.

完全照著做

Avoid them at all costs.

不管怎樣避開它

We don't want any kind of novelty or risks.

我們不想要任何的新體驗或風險

Stop growing, stop wanting more, stop doing stuff and wait for the perfect moment.

停止成長，不要渴望更多，不要做任何事而等待一個完美的時刻

Just lean back, be passive and let the time pass by.

只要放鬆，變的被動消極而讓時間過去

You will do those scary things when you feel like it.

當你想要的時候再去做那些嚇人的事情

You know, maybe that's a good idea.

你知道嗎，說不定那是個好主意

Yeah, maybe.. maybe you'll do better in the next life.

是呀，說不定...說不定下輩子你能做得更好