BUT IT'S SO FUN SOMETIMES.

I'VE WRITTEN FOR SOME TV SHOWS,

AND, YOU KNOW, ON A MAJOR TV SHOW,

YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT PEOPLE

'CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE GET OFFENDED,

OR SO IT HAS BEEN EXPLAINED TO ME.

I WAS ONCE-- I'LL TELL YOU THIS.

I WAS WRITING FOR AN AWARDS SHOW ONCE,

AND I GOT INTO SOME TROUBLE.

I WROTE A JOKE FOR THIS AWARDS SHOW

THAT HAD THE WORD "MIDGET" IN IT.

AND SOMEONE FROM THE NETWORK CAME DOWN TO OUR OFFICES

AND HE SAID TO ME,

"HEY, YOU CAN'T PUT THE WORD 'MIDGET' ON TV."

AND I SAID, "I SURE WOULD LIKE TO."

AND HE SAID, "NO, 'MIDGET' IS AS BAD AS THE N-WORD."

FIRST OFF, NO.

NO, IT'S NOT.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW IT'S NOT," I SAID TO HIM,

"IS BECAUSE WE'RE SAYING THE WORD 'MIDGET'

"AND WE'RE NOT EVEN SAYING WHAT THE N-WORD IS.

"IF YOU'RE COMPARING THE BADNESS OF TWO WORDS,

"AND YOU WON'T EVEN SAY ONE OF THEM...

THAT'S THE WORSE WORD."

I DON'T MEAN TO COMPLAIN ABOUT CENSORSHIP AT ALL, THOUGH,

BECAUSE AS YOU PROBABLY HAVE SEEN BY NOW,

YOU CAN BASICALLY SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT ON TELEVISION.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

YOU SHOULD WATCH A LITTLE PROGRAM CALLED

LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.

YEAH.

A SHOW THAT I LOVE.

BECAUSE ON THAT SHOW, YOU CAN SAY THE GROSSEST THINGS

YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE.

NO, YOU CAN'T SAY LIKE THE F-WORD.

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT ON SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.

BUT PEOPLE WALK AROUND ON SVU GOING LIKE,

"LOOKS LIKE THE VICTIM HAD ANAL CONTUSIONS.

"YO, LOOKS LIKE WE FOUND SEMEN AND FECAL MATTER

IN THE VICTIM'S EAR CANAL."

THOSE ARE TWO REAL THINGS THAT I HEARD

ON LAW & ORDER: SVU AT 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON,

BOTH SPOKEN BY ICE-T.

ICE-T IS A DETECTIVE WITH THE SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.

HE HANDLES NEW YORK'S MOST SENSITIVE CASES.

I LOVE ICE-T ON SVU. HE IS FANTASTIC.

HE'S AWESOME.

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT HIM

IS THAT HE'S BEEN WITH THE SVU FOR LIKE, MM, 11 YEARS NOW.

BUT HE STILL TREATS EVERY CASE LIKE IT'S HIS FIRST

IN TERMS OF TOTAL CONFUSION.

SOMETIMES THEY'LL BE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INVESTIGATION

AND ICE-T WILL BE LIKE, "YO, YOU TELLING ME THIS DUDE

GETS OFF ON LITTLE GIRLS WITH PIGTAILS?"

IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, ICE.

"HE'S A PEDOPHILE.

"YOU WORK IN THE SEX CRIMES DIVISION.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT."

YOU KNOW HOW THEY TRY AND TIE IN, LIKE, CURRENT EVENTS

TO EVERY EPISODE OF SVU?

SO THERE WAS THIS EPISODE I SAW A WHILE AGO

THAT WAS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION.

'CAUSE A LOT OF CELEBRITIES HAVE COME OUT AS SEX ADDICTS.

SO THE EPISODE'S ABOUT SEX ADDICTION.

THERE IS A SCENE IN THE EPISODE WHERE THE OTHER DETECTIVES

ARE TRYING TO TEACH ICE-T WHAT SEX ADDICTION IS,

AND IT TAKES A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

AND FINALLY, ICE-T GETS IT.

AND THEY CUT TO HIM IN THIS CLOSE-UP

AND HE GOES, "OH, I GET IT.

"YOU MEAN LIKE WHEN SOMEONE DRINKS TOO MUCH...

OR SNORTS COCAINE...OR BETS THE HOUSE ON THE PONIES?"

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YOU GOT IT, MAN,"

AND I WAS PSYCHED THAT ICE-T UNDERSTOOD

SO THAT THEY COULD CONTINUE WITH THE INVESTIGATION.

BUT I COULD'VE WATCHED ANOTHER FOUR HOURS

OF ICE-T JUST NAMING EXAMPLES.

JUST THAT CLOSE-UP AND ICE-T LIKE,

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SMOKES TOO MANY CIGARETTES?

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SHOPS TOO MUCH WITH CREDIT CARDS?

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY SCRATCHY LOTTERIES?

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE EATS TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE CAKE?

"OR LIKE WHEN EATS TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE CAKE

AND THEN BARFS IT UP?"

AND HE WOULD JUST KEEP TALKING AND IT WOULD SLOWLY FADE OUT

AND SAY, "EXECUTIVE PRODUCER DICK WOLF."

THAT'D BE MY IDEAL EPISODE. THAT'D BE A GOOD ONE.

I ALSO WATCH THE SHOW CALLED COLD CASE FILES.

ON COLD CASE FILES, THEY SOLVE OLD MURDERS

AND IT'S REALLY INTERESTING.

'CAUSE WHAT I LEARN FROM IT IS THAT IT WAS REALLY EASY

TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER BEFORE THEY KNEW ABOUT DNA.

IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY EASY.

LIKE, WHAT WAS EVEN GOING ON BACK THEN?

WHAT WAS A MURDER INVESTIGATION LIKE IN 1935?

ONE COP WOULD JUST WALK IN AND BE LIKE, "DETECTIVE,

WE FOUND A POOL OF THAT KILLER'S BLOOD IN THAT HALLWAY."

AND HE WOULD JUST BE LIKE, "HMM, GROSS.

"MOP IT UP.

"NOW THEN, BACK TO MY HUNCH.

"HMM...

"LOOK FOR CLUES.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.

"WE'LL DRAW CHALK AROUND WHERE THE BODY IS.

THAT WAY, WE'LL KNOW WHERE IT WAS."

A COUPLE YEARS AGO, I SAW THIS MOVIE CALLED PUBLIC ENEMIES

WITH JOHNNY DEPP.

IT WAS ABOUT OLD BANK ROBBERS AND STUFF.

HERE'S HOW EASY IT WAS TO GET AWAY WITH BANK ROBBERY

BACK IN THE '30S.

AS LONG AS YOU WEREN'T STILL THERE

WHEN THE POLICE ARRIVED,

YOU HAD A 99% CHANCE OF GETTING AWAY WITH IT.

TO THE POINT THAT, LIKE, THOSE OLD BANK ROBBERS,

THEY TAKE CREDIT FOR THE BANK ROBBERIES.

LIKE, THEY COME RUNNING OUT OF THERE

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "HA, HA, HA!

"AND IF ANYONE ASKS, YOU TELL 'EM IT WAS GOLDEN JOE

AND THE SUGGINS GANG!"

AND THEN THEY LIKE SHOOT "SUGGINS"

INTO THE SIDE OF THE WALL.

IT'S LIKE, WHAT? WERE BULLETS FREE BACK THEN?

AND THEY DON'T EVEN DISGUISE THEMSELVES.

THEY DRESS UP FOR THE BANK ROBBERY.

THEY'RE ROLLING IN THERE IN, LIKE, BIG SUITS AND HATS

LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO CHURCH IN ATLANTA.

THEY MAKE A DAY OF IT.