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  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS CURRENTLY THE LONGEST

  • SERVING LATE-NIGHT HOST ON TV.

  • HE'S THE OLD MAN IN THE MOUNTAIN.

  • HE'S THE MANDARIN WITHOUT MELONIN.

  • PLEASE WELCOME CONAN O'BRIEN!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪

  • >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH!

  • EVERYBODY HAVE A SEAT!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

  • WELCOME BACK TO THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) 'RTHAI.

  • PLEASE, SIR, YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING.

  • >> Stephen: LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU WERE WITH DAVE.

  • >> THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID LETTERMAN.

  • >> Stephen: I REMEMBER, YEAH.

  • >> IT WAS A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO-- FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO

  • CONGRATULATE YOU.

  • YOU'RE DOING AN AMAZING JOB.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

  • >> Stephen: OH, THANKS VERY MUCH.

  • >> I MEAN THAT FROM MY HEART.

  • I NEVER MISS A SHOW.

  • I CAUGHT TUESDAY'S SHOW, TRACEY ELLIS ROSS, I THINK IT WAS.

  • >> Stephen: YES, THANKS, THANKS, YEAH.

  • YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY-- THAT NIGHT, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, I

  • WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.

  • >> I KNEW IT!

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.

  • >> I WAS WATCHING THE TV SO HARD THAT NIGHT, AND I COULD SEE I

  • WAS GETTING INTO YOUR HEAD!

  • YEAH.

  • AND I WAS ALL THE WAY BACK IN L.A.!

  • >> Stephen: WOW.

  • >> WHERE I WAS ON TUESDAY.

  • >> Stephen: EXACTLY.

  • YOU KNOW.

  • TALK ABOUT THIS WITH TIG NOTARO, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT.

  • TALK WITH THIS ABOUT HER.

  • SHE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU, I HEARD.

  • >> I SAW HER BACK STAGE.

  • SHE'S THE NEXT ONE ON.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • BY THE WAY, I KNOW YOU'RE A FAN OF DAVE'S.

  • I'M A HUGE FAN OF DAVE'S.

  • >> THIS IS DAVE LETTERMAN, AGAIN, RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: DAVID LETTERMAN.

  • ALSO, DAVE, THE GUY FROM WENDY'S.

  • >> YES!

  • WENDY'S HAS THE BEST BURGER.

  • >> Stephen: THEY'RE SQUARE.

  • >> DAVID LETTERMAN.

  • WE ALL GRIEWG UP REVERING DAVID LETTERMAN.

  • >> Stephen: YOU WROTE A LOVELY TRIBUTE TO HIM ON E.W.

  • >> AS HE WAS DEPARTING THIS STAGE, I WANTED TO WRITE AN

  • APPRECIATION PIECE, SO I WROTE A PIECE ABOUT DAVE --

  • >> Stephen: DID YOU EVER HEAR FROM HIM?

  • DID HE EVER SAY, "THANKS FOR THAT?"

  • >> I DID HEAR FROM HIM, YES.

  • I DID HEAR FROM HIM.

  • WHAT HAPPENED IS I WROTE THIS NICE APPRECIATION PEOPLE

  • PIECEFOR DAVE AND I JUST SAID HOW MUCH HE MEANT TO ME AND ALL

  • THE COMEDIANS OF MY GENERATION.

  • AND THEN WORD CAME BACK THAT DAVE APPRECIATED WHAT I HAD

  • WRITTEN, AND THAT HE'D BE SENDING ME SOMETHING MY WAY.

  • AND I WAS LIKE, THIS IS-- I MEAN --

  • >> Stephen: SURE.

  • >> I WAS EXCITED AND I THOUGHT THIS IS GOING TO BE AN AMAZING

  • BOTTLE OF WINE, CHOCOLATES, HUMMEL FIGURINES THAT ARE HARD

  • TO FINE, SOMETHING REALLY EXTRAORDINARY EXPICHES LOOKING

  • FORWARD TO IT.

  • I THOUGHT THIS WILL BE COOL.

  • SO IT'S THE NEXT DAY, AND IT'S AN HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW.

  • I CAN TALK TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A FELLOW HOST.

  • >> Stephen: SURE.

  • >> AN HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW, YOU'RE CONCENTRATING, YOU'RE

  • GETTING READY -- >> Stephen: YEAH, A PRESSURE

  • COOKER.

  • >> YOUR BODY IS BEING WAXED, OILED --

  • >> Stephen: YOU'RE BEING LOWERED INTO THE SUIT.

  • >> YEAH, EXACTLY.

  • AND THE WARDROBE GUY, "STOP EATING!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND I HEAR THERE'S A TRUCK

  • THAT'S TRYING TO GET ON TO THE WARNER BROTHERS LOT IN EXPLZ WAS

  • HAVING A HARD TIME GETTING ON THE LOT.

  • AND I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" THEY SAID, IT'S TOO WIDE.

  • THE TRUCK IS SO BIG IT CAN'T GET ON THE LOT AND IT'S CARRYING THE

  • GIFT FROM DAVE."

  • MY MIND STARTS TO GO NUTS.

  • BECAUSE YOU AND I, WE'VE DONE WELL.

  • BUT WE'VE DONE OKAY.

  • THIS GUY -- >> Stephen: IT'S DAVE.

  • >> IT'S DAVE!

  • HE OWNS THE ENTIRE STATE OF MONTANA, YOU KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: OH, YEAH.

  • HE HAD THE WHOLE THING WAXED.

  • >> HE HAS-- HE'S A VERY WEALTHY MAN AND HE'S GOT, YOU KNOW, HIS

  • FINGERS IN EVERY POT, IF THAT'S EVEN AN EXPRESSION!

  • >> Stephen: IT'S NOT.

  • >> IT'S NOT.

  • THAT WAS TERRIBLE.

  • I'M SORRY.

  • >> Stephen: UNLESS THE POT HAS PIE IN IT.

  • >> IT'S TUESDAY.

  • IT'S EARLY IN THE WEEK AND I HAVE TROUBLE-- IT'S WEDNESDAY.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S FRLDZ.

  • >> WE'LL FIX THAT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • NO!

  • YOU DON'T EDIT THAT OUT!

  • YOU KEEP THAT IN!

  • THAT'S THE MAGIC!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN, COLBERT!

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: SO, THE TRUCK

  • CAN'T GET ON THE LOT.

  • >> HE'S GETTING ME BACK ON TRACK.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • TRUCK CAN'T GET ON THE LOT, AND I'M GOING CRAZY.

  • BECAUSE THIS IS LIKE, HE'S A CAR GUY.

  • THIS GUY HAS PORSCHES.

  • I'M THINKING HE'S GIVING ME A VINTAGE PORSCHE.

  • >> Stephen: SURE.

  • >> MY MIND WENT THERE.

  • THIS IS AMAZING.

  • I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET THE CRAZY LEATHER GLOVES.

  • THEN THEY TELL ME IT'S HERE, IT'S READY.

  • I WALK DOWNSTAIRS OUTSIDE MY STAGE.

  • TWO COWBOYS IN FULL CHAPS, COWBOY HATS, HOLDING THE

  • BIGGEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL HORSE-- HORSE-- HORSE!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE EVER SEEN.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DO YOU RIDE

  • HORSES?

  • >> NO!

  • I DON'T RIDE HORSES!

  • AND HERE'S THE THING, THEY HAND ME A LOVELY NOTE FROM DAVE.

  • THEY SAY GOOD-BYE, AND THEY LEAVE.

  • LOOK AT MY EXPRESSION AFTER THEY'VE LEFT!

  • LOOK AT THE EXPRESSION ON MY FACE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • THAT'S A MAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A HORSE.

  • TURNS OUT, I LOOK INTO IT.

  • YOU GOTTA FEED HIM.

  • YOU'VE GOT TO BOARD THEM.

  • YOU'VE GOT TO TREAT THEM HUMANELY.

  • EVERYONE I TELL SAYS, "IT'S FROM DAVID LETTERMAN."

  • AND GUESS WHAT THE HORSE'S NAME IS?

  • DAVE!

  • THANK YOU!

  • >> Stephen: WAS IT REALLY DAVE?

  • YES, THE HORSE'S REALLY NAME IS DAVE.

  • >> Stephen: DOES IT ANSWER-- >> HE SEARCHED ALL OF THE WORLD

  • FOR A HORSE NAMED DAVE!

  • NARCISSISM, MAYBE, AND SO THEN --

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FARM?

  • >> NO, I DON'T HAVE A FARM!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) STEPHEN, YOU KNOW ME.

  • I DON'T HAVE A FARM.

  • >> Stephen: I'VE NEVER BEEN INVITED --

  • >> I BARELY HAVE A HOUSE.

  • >> Stephen: I'VE NEVER BEEN INVITED TO YOUR HOUSE.

  • >> I'VE INVESTED VERY POORLY.

  • INSANITY-- I HAVE TO ROOM IT.

  • I HAVE TO BOARD IT.

  • I SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • DAVE GAVE ME A HORSE.

  • I'M GOING TO LEARN HOW TO RIDE IT.

  • I GO TO THE PLACE WHERE I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY TO LEARN HOW TO

  • RIDE IT.

  • AND THEY SAID I WOULDN'T GET ON THAT HORSE IF I WERE YOU.

  • I SAID WHY NOT?

  • THEY SAID THAT HORSE IS CRAZY.

  • THIS IS 100% TRUE.

  • THEY SAID THAT HORSE IS SO CRAZY, IT'S THROWN TWO PEOPLE

  • WHO HAVE TRIED TO RIDE IT.

  • IF YOU WANT CAN TO KEEP IT HERE YOU HAVE TO GET A LETTER DRAWN

  • UP BY A LAWYER, AN EXPENSIVE LAWYER, TO INDEMNIFY YOU IN CASE

  • THE HORSE HURTS SOMEBODY.

  • AT THIS POINT ONE OF THE CHILDREN IS NOT BEING SCHOOLED

  • THIS COSTS SO MUCH.

  • IT WAS THE BOY.

  • IT WASN'T GOING TO, WITH OUT ANYWAY.

  • HE'S GOOD WITH HIS HANDS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE THING IS, THEY SAY-- I SAY

  • TO THE GUY, LIKE, THIS HORSE PROBABLY GETTING KIND OF OLD,

  • THOUGH, RIGHT?

  • HE WENT, "OH, NO!

  • THIS IS A YOUNG HORSE.

  • IT'S GOING TO LIVE A LONG TIME!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • I'M GOING INSANE.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

  • IT'S DRANK-- IT COSTS A FORTUNE, AND I HAVE THE HORSE FOR TWO

  • YEARS.

  • FINALLY, MY WIFE CRACKS IT, GOD BLESS HER.

  • SHE FOUND A PLACE-- AND THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

  • I HAVE THE REAL WEBSITE, WHERE THE HORSE CAN LIVE-- IT'S AN

  • EQUINE MASSAGE CENTER WHERE-- THIS IS REAL.

  • THINK FOUR SEASONS RESORT FOR HORSE.

  • WE DONATED THE HORSE.

  • AND WHAT HAPPENS IS STUDENTS MASSAGE THE HORSE ALL DAY LONG

  • SO IT LEARNS-- SO THEY LEARN HOW TO MASSAGE A HORSE.

  • AND SO -- >> Stephen: BUT IT'S AN INSANE

  • HORSE.

  • >> IT'S AN INSANE HORSE, BUT NO ONE IS RIDING IT.

  • IT'S GETTING MASSAGED ALL DAY LONG.

  • IF I WAS THE HORSE, I WOULD BE SUSPICIOUS THINKING, "THEY'RE

  • TENDERIZING ME."

  • BIT NO, MASSAGE ALL DAY LONG.

  • THE HORSE IS IN HEAVEN.

  • THIS IS A REAL PICTURE OF DAVE THE HORSE AT THE MASSAGE CENTER,

  • HAS MET AND FALLEN IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER HORSE-- COINCIDENTALLY

  • NAMED CHARLIE ROSE.

  • THAT'S A TRUE STORY!

  • >> Stephen: WOW, WOW!

  • >> THAT IS A TRUE STORY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I LEARNED THEN --

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T-- I DON'T CARE IF IT'S TRUE OR NOT.

  • I INN JOYED IT SO MUCH.

  • >> I KNOW.

  • I LEARNED THEN THAT DAVE WAS A GENIUS, BUT HE'S AN EVIL GENIUS.

  • HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING.

  • HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING.

  • >> Stephen: ( SIGHS ).

  • >> YOU GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT?

  • IT'S ALL GOING TO BE GOOD.

  • >> Stephen: I FEEL VERY GOOD.

  • >> IS THIS MINE?

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S YOURS RIGHT THERE.

  • THIS IS LIKE A VACATION.

  • I ASKED YOU ONE QUESTION AND WE'RE-- HOW MANY MINUTES-- WE'RE

  • NINE MINUTES IN TO YOUR ANSWER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHEN YOU GET A GUEST LIKE YOU,

  • HOW EXCITED ARE YOU WHEN YOU GET A GUEST LIKE YOU.

  • YOU'RE LIKE, "I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

  • I DON'T HAVE HAVE TO DO ANYTHING."

  • >> I DON'T GET GUESTS LIKE ME.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪

  • >> Stephen: YOU BOTH COMPLIMENTED YOURSELF AND

  • INSULTED YOUR SHOW.

  • >> I COMPLIMENTED MYSELF-- I COMPLIMENTED MYSELF WHILE

  • PUTTING DOWN MY SHOW, AND THEN WAVED TO A CROWD.

  • THAT WAS THE TRIPLE-- THAT WAS THE TRIFECTA RIGHT THERE.

  • THAT'S RARELY BEEN DONE.

  • >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.

  • STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS CURRENTLY THE LONGEST

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