where it doesn't feel like there's enough sex

卻感覺不到足夠的性愛

sounds like a trivial and somewhat comedic luxury problem

聽起來好像一個瑣碎而且有些好笑的奢侈問題

As though someone were complaining

就好像某人在抱怨

there wasn't enough tennis or yoga

彼此之間網球打得不夠多

between a couple.

或是瑜伽做不夠

But an absence of sex

但是性愛的缺乏

isn't trivial in the least.

絕對不是瑣碎事

It's a humblingly serious problem

這是一個看似不起眼的嚴重問題

and might even be what dooms the relationship itself.

且或許可能最終註定這場關係的失敗

One statistic stands out:

一項統計數據指出：

in an average year,

平均一年裡

in the OECD countries,

在經濟合作暨發展組織國家中

70% of those who initiate a divorce

有七成提出離婚的人都指出

cited a lack of sex as the first or second reason for parting.

缺乏性愛是分離的首要或次要原因

If there's one generalization we can make about couples,

我們若是要以一句話概括伴侶

it's that a lack of sex,

那麼就是性愛的缺乏

by which we mean something like less than four times a month,

這裡指的缺乏是像是一個月低於四次

is an alarm bell we should listen to.

是一個我們應當注意的警訊

Why is sex such a key part of keeping two people close?

為何性愛是讓兩人維持緊密關係的關鍵？

Because in sex, two people accept each other

因為在性愛中，兩人是透過最深刻的方式

in the most profound of ways.

來接受彼此

The apparently dirty and shameful sides of us,

我們表面上看似骯髒、羞恥的一面

the way weird fantasies and the unusual longings,

古怪的奇想和不尋常的渴望

are legitimated through sex.

都能透過性愛正當化

Someone else witnesses and accepts us

他人目睹並且接受了我們

as bodily and psychological beings.

作為生理和心理的個體

Sex symbolises an end to loneliness

性象徵了孤獨的終結

and a reaffirmation of trust.

以及信任的再確認

Not daring or wanting to have sex with a partner

不敢或是不想和伴侶做愛

is tantamount to admitting that one can't be oneself in their presence.

相當於承認一個人在伴侶的面前無法做自己

A lack of sex is bad enough,

缺乏性愛已經夠糟糕了

but far worse is the way in which the unreciprocated longing for sex tends to manifest itself.

但更糟糕的是渴望性愛卻得不到回報，其顯露的方式

Typically, a person who wants it doesn't ask very clearly,

基本上，想要的人並不會明確地詢問

maybe merely sliding a hand over in a timid, half-hearted search for reciprocation.

或許只是在尋求回報中膽怯、隨意地滑過一隻手

They don't complain calmly,

他們不會平靜地抱怨

don't deliver an eloquent self-confidence speech about how difficult they're finding it,

不會滔滔不絕、自信地說出他們的困難

and don't inquire sympathetically as to what might be going on in their partner.

也不會憐憫地詢問他們的伴侶發生什麼事了

Far too often, they tend to quickly move on to symptomatic behavior,

大多數時候，他們傾向於快速轉向症狀行為

where in their disappointment and sense of humiliation, are acted out, rather than discussed.

他們的失望和受到侮辱的感覺都透過行為宣洩而出，而非透過討論

They bang dishes, they get mean, a whole raft of conflicts then develops

他們摔碗盤、變得很惡劣，許許多多表面上和性無關的爭吵

that has ostensibly nothing to do with sex, and yet is caused by its absence.

卻都因著性的缺乏而爆發出來

One starts squabbling over the in-laws in the state of the kitchen.

一個人開始在廚房裡爭吵有關姻親的事

The one who's been let down sexually behaves so badly, they start to seem like a monster,

那個因為在性方面被拒絕的人表現得如此惡劣，他們開始看起來如同怪獸

further reducing the chances of sex ever taking place.

進一步消弭了發展性愛的任何可能

Eventually, the sex-starved party may simply go off and have an affair, not because they don't love their partner,

最終，缺乏性愛的一方或許就會離去尋求外遇，並不是因為他們不愛他們的伴侶了

but because showing their desire has become so fraught with rejection

而是因為表達自己的渴望成為了一個充滿拒絕的過程

that they're out for a bit of revenge.

他們因此決定復仇一番

The lack of sex discussion is so hard to have

要談論性愛的缺乏很困難

because quite simply, it feels so shameful to be unwanted sexually.

因為簡單來說，在性方面不被他人渴望是一件太過羞恥的事

It plays into every worst fear about unacceptability.

它衍生出每一個有關不被接受的最深層恐懼

It's bad enough when it happens on a date.

這在約會時發生已經夠慘了

It's even sadder to have to admit that one's being rejected by one's partner

在一個表面看來安全且富含諾言的長期關係的前提之下

inside the apparent safety and commitment of a long term relationship.

還得承認被自己的伴侶拒絕了就是更悲傷的事

Maybe there's something wrong with them, but far more likely, there's something revolting about us.

或許他們有什麼問題，不過更可能的是，我們身上才有討人厭的問題

The key to a process of reconciliation is to rein in one's wilder feelings of rejection and self-disgust

尋得和解的關鍵在於控制自己有關拒絕和自我厭惡的瘋狂感覺

in order to be able to consider why the other party might have gone off sex.

才能好好思考為何另一半不想要性愛

Here's a key fact: everyone wants sex in principle.

這是關鍵事實：原則上每個人都想要性愛

When it isn't wanted, it's because the condition for sex is not being met,

當不想要時，那是因為性愛的條件並未被滿足

and then, not communicated.

然後還有，因為不被討論

Privately, the sex-rejecting party has a problem they're not sharing.

私底下，回絕他人求歡的一方有煩惱沒說出

They might in secret be thinking, "I might have sex, if only you listened more to my problems with my family,"

他們或許私底下在想，「我或許會想做愛，如果你多聽我說關於我家庭的困擾」

or, "If you gave me more time to do my work,"

或是，「如果你多給我時間做我的工作」

or, "If you weren't so mean to me around domestic chores."

或是，「如果你不是那麼兇地要我做家事」

There might be kinkier reasons:

或許會有一些怪癖原因：

"I'd have more sex if you allow me to play out certain fantasies,"

「如果你讓我實現一些特定的幻想，我會想更常做愛」

"If you were more broad minded about role playing,"

「如果你對於角色扮演保持更加開放的態度」

"If you were more into kissing, or wanted it rough, or could be more submissive."

「如果你想著重在親吻，或是想要殘暴一點，或是臣服一些」

The person being denied sex

被拒絕性愛的一方

hasn't usually had any chance to hear these reasons in plain, unaccusing, gentle terms.

通常不會有任何機會能夠在平和、不帶控訴、溫和的情況下聽這些原因

Or maybe they've heard them, but without a sober awareness of what's really at stake here.

又或許他們已經聽過了，但卻沒有合理地意識到其中的風險

There's been no proper communication.

沒有適當的溝通

Therefore, a classic recommendation, deliberately artificial, is that the two parties,

因此，故意且有些不自然的一個典型建議是

aware that their entire relationship properly depends on getting this right,

雙方在認知到他們的整段關係嚴格說來取決於將這件事做對的前提下

should write each other a letter titled simply, "What I want from sex."

應該寫給對方一封信，信的開頭就是「我想從性愛獲得什麼」

It's a chance to be deeply honest about your true sexual identity;

這是個機會，讓你全然坦率於自己真實的性身份；

it's then incumbent on both parties to take the other's words seriously and in good faith.

接著，雙方都有義務認真看待彼此的字句，並予以信任

Two people are always going to be a bit sexually incompatible,

兩個人免不了總是會在性方面有些不協調

but we shouldn't get so scared and angry at this

但我們不應該因此那麼害怕、生氣

that we create a secondary barrier of hurt, punishment, and shame.

因而創造了另一層的阻礙，充滿了傷害、懲罰和羞恥

We should take the first steps to finding a way

我們應該踏出第一步，找尋一種方式

in which what you want and they want

讓你想要的和他們想要的

can, in a modest way, be harmonized,

可以適度地取得和諧

and the sarcasm and banging dishes can stop.

那些挖苦嘲諷和摔碗盤則都可以停止了

Every time such a conversation about sex happens in the quiet of the night,

在安靜的夜晚，當每一次這種有關性的談話發生時

the angels of relationships hover over the bedroom

守護關係的天使就會在床鋪上盤旋

and sound their silent trumpets in celebration,

吹響他們靜默的喇叭以表慶祝

because another couple have just critically improved their chances of lasting a little longer together.

因為很關鍵性地，又一對伴侶剛剛提升了他們有可能相處更久一點的機會

If you like our films, take a look at our shop:

如果你喜歡我們的影片，造訪我們的商店吧

theschooloflife.com/shop.

theschooloflife.com/shop.

You'll find lots of thoughtful books, games, stationery, and more.

你可以找到許多有深度的書、遊戲、文具等等