It has been six years since I accepted God's salvation of the last days.

At a democratic election of the church,

I was elected as a church leader.

On hearing this news,

I was taken by surprise and excited,

thinking to myself:

To have been elected as a leader from among so many brothers and sisters

to have responsibility for all of the church's work,

this shows that I'm better than other brothers and sisters!

With this thought, in spite of myself, a sense of superiority welled up within me.

I walked about with head high and chest out,

and I was very confident in communications with brothers and sisters at gatherings.

However, after some time,

I saw that a sister who worked with me was of high caliber,

with a clear train of thought in communicating the truth.

She was able to come to grips with the questions posed by brothers and sisters

and communicate and resolve them,

as well as point out a practical path.

The brothers and sisters all wanted to hear her communication.

Seeing this, I felt envious and jealous.

Unwilling to be outdone,

before each gathering, I homed in on the condition of the brothers and sisters

and had to do meticulous preparation.

I racked my brains to figure out ways to communicate that were more complete

and shed more light than the sister's.

When I finished communicating,

and I saw the brothers and sisters nodding with approval,

I was very pleased with myself and felt a sense of achievement.

If I saw that the reaction of the brothers and sisters was flat,

I felt distressed and lost.

Later on,

I discovered that a brother who partnered with me

was relatively familiar with knowledge of the film industry

and had good computer skills.

I saw that the brothers and sisters who worked together in making gospel films

would often discuss some questions of a professional nature with him,

and I, a responsible church member, couldn't get a word in edgewise.

I felt that I was superfluous to requirements, pushed to one side.

I felt that I had worked very hard, and I was left with a bad taste.

I suspected that the brothers and sisters all communicated with him

whenever something came up.

Did they feel that I wasn't as good as he was?

If only I had this professional knowledge, it would be a lot better.

Wouldn't the brothers and sisters then come to me to discuss any problems they had?

And so,

I would work from dawn to dusk searching for related materials,

studying to gain film knowledge.

While I never grew tired of seeking and keeping busy for the sake of status,

problems appeared continuously in the work of each of the church's teams.

No matter how I set up meetings and communicated, it was all in vain.

I was under so much pressure.

I could scarcely catch my breath.

I thought:

What will the brothers and sisters think of me?

Won't they feel that I as their leader have no qualifications,

that I'm not up to the duty at all?

It appears that my position as leader can't be maintained.

The more I thought about it, the worse I felt.

I was feeling like a deflated rubber ball.

I no longer had the old vigor.

Because I was constantly in a slack, negative state,

I eventually lost the work of the Holy Spirit.

I was replaced because I couldn't do practical work.

At that moment, I felt thoroughly discredited,

dying to find some crevice to crawl into.

At the same time I was suspicious:

Could the brothers and sisters be saying behind my back that I'm a false leader,

scrambling for fame and gain and not doing practical work?

The more I thought along these lines, the more distressed I became,

as if a chorus of critical voices were echoing in my ears.

As evening came,

I would lie in bed tossing and turning, unable to sleep a wink.

All I could do was to repeatedly pray to God,

appealing to Him to lead me, to guide me.

I read that God has said:

The word of God exposed the substance of my pursuit of fame, gain, and status,

and I felt pricked in the heart.

I saw that in my own belief in God,

I had not been seeking the truth,

but instead pursuing fame, gain, and status.

This was entirely under the control of my own satanic nature of arrogance and conceit.

I thought that in carrying out my leadership duties with the church,

I had worked for status all along.

Every time I met with brothers and sisters to communicate the word of God,

it was not to hold God up high, to bear witness to God,

to enable brothers and sisters to understand the truth of God's word,

to understand God's intentions,

to know how to practice and enter into the reality of God's words.

Instead, it was to rack my brains:

How could I do a better job of communicating than my partner sister

so that I could get the brothers and sisters to praise and admire me?

I tried to plant my own image in the minds of the brothers and sisters,

so that my status could be more secure.

I saw that my partner brother's professional abilities were superior to mine

and that whatever questions the brothers and sisters had,

they would seek out and communicate with him.

Obviously, they weren't picking me;

I felt jealous of him, so I excluded him,

desperately fearing that the brother would steal my thunder, hog the limelight.

Whenever problems emerged in the church which I could not resolve,

I did not come before God to pray and to rely on God, to look up to God,

nor did I seek the truth together with the brothers and sisters to resolve the problem.

I spent the whole day worrying about changes in my own status.

I feared that if I did not do my work well,

my leadership position would be in jeopardy.

I saw that I was not fulfilling my duty

to pursue the truth and satisfy the intentions of God,

nor was I seeking dispositional change while carrying out my duties,

but instead I turned my duties into a sort of career,

to make myself a cut above the rest,

as a means of making a name for myself.

Therefore, all I could think of was how to show myself off and affirm myself,

to be thought highly of, appreciated,

to fully satisfy my own desire to be held above others.

How was this fulfilling my duties or doing good deeds?

This was completely living for fame, gain, and status!

I saw the words of God:

Reading the word of God, I understood God's intentions.

In setting down a man's outcome,

God does not base it on how high his status is

or how noble his achievements,

or on how much work he has done for God,

how much he has suffered.

Instead, God considers whether or not a man pursues the truth, man gains the truth,

whether his life disposition has changed.

This is most crucial.

I thought about my own belief in God for several years.

I had not worked at all toward seeking the truth and practicing the word of God.

Instead, I had sought fame, gain, and status.

My outlook on what to pursue ran completely counter to the demands of God.

This had led me to not entering the reality of the truth

despite believing in God for several years.

My life disposition had not changed at all.

At gatherings with brothers and sisters,

I spoke little of experience and knowledge of God's word.

I often spoke a few letters and doctrines to fool people.

In the end I lost the work of the Holy Spirit.

There were no results in carrying out my duties.

If I continued to follow a mistaken path,

eventually, I could only be revealed by God and eliminated,

losing the opportunity to receive God's salvation.

Now when I think of my removal as a leader of the church,

I see God's righteous judgment and chastisement.

It is meant to purify the ambitions and desires within me to seek fame and gain,

to lead me to the correct path, seeking the truth.

This is God's salvation of me!

At this time, I couldn't help but come before God to pray:

Oh, God,

thanks be to You for judging and chastising me,

making me recognize the mistaken road down which I have walked

and the consequences of pursuing fame, gain, and status.

Oh, God, I wish to turn back to You,

to put aside fame, gain, and status,

and to choose the path of seeking the truth to comfort Your heart.

After a period of spiritual devotion and self-reflection,

my state began gradually to improve.

Church leaders arranged for me to work,

watering brothers and sisters new in their belief.

I was particularly grateful to God for the chance to fulfill my duty.

I secretly resolved:

I must certainly treasure this opportunity to carry out my duty.

I cannot go down the same road to ruin by seeking fame, gain, and status!

In carrying out my duties afterwards,

whenever I encountered any problems,

I would discuss them with the brothers and sisters, and listen to their suggestions.

When the state of scrambling for fame and gain came out,

I prayed to God.

I consciously read more of God's words on judging man's corrupted essence

and acted according to the word of God.

After experiencing a period in this way,

I felt I had put aside somewhat the desires for fame, gain, and status.

However, because I had been deeply corrupted by Satan,

even though I could for the moment forsake the flesh and practice the truth.

This certainly did not represent real change in my life disposition.

The satanic nature within me of scrambling for fame and gain,

seeking to be high above others,

could not be thoroughly resolved simply by having a little knowledge.

Before I could be cleansed and changed,

I needed to undergo even more of God's judgment and chastisement.

After several months,

God once again set up the environment to reveal and save me.

Because more people were investigating and receiving God's work of the last days,

the work of watering and supporting new people became more busy.

The leaders said that it was necessary to select a team leader

to be responsible for arranging the work.

As soon as I heard this, I began to take stock of myself:

Of the seven brothers and sisters in the team,

I felt that Brother Zhang's work ability was outstanding.

He also had a sense of justice.

He was relatively practical in communicating the truth.

He could positively safeguard the work of the church.

It was most likely that the brother would be chosen team leader.

But then I thought about how I had arranged all of Brother Zhang's work previously

when I was a church leader.

If this time he was selected as team leader,

then I would have to follow his arrangements.

Isn't it obvious then that I'm inferior to him?

What about my face in that case?

As soon as I thought about this, I felt bad.

Come the day of the election,

I tensed up in spite of myself.

There was an endless battle within me:

Who should I vote for? … Brother Zhang?

As soon as I thought about how

brothers and sisters had any difficulties in carrying out their duties,

they would discuss them with him,

I felt very jealous,

and I didn't want to choose him.

What if I vote for myself?

My work ability is not quite up to Brother Zhang's.

If the brothers and sisters don't choose me,

then I can't be the team leader.

At this time, I felt extremely lost.

I even had a malicious thought come into my mind:

I won't be team leader, and I won't let you do it, either.

And so,

I voted for Brother Li with whom I usually got on well,

even though his work ability was somewhat lacking.

But in the end,

Brother Zhang was voted in as team leader.

I was very unhappy when I saw this result,

but later on, I had an unsettled kind of feeling.

On the way home,

I reflected on my thoughts and ideas that had slipped out during the election.