and an employee greeted me

有天早上，我去一間雜貨店，

with a "Good morning, sir, can I help you with anything?"

一位員工和我打招呼，

I said, "No, thanks, I'm good."

說：「早安，先生， 有什麼我能協助您的嗎？」

The person smiled and we went our separate ways.

我說：「不用，沒關係，我不需要。」

I grabbed Cheerios and I left the grocery store.

他微笑一下， 我們就各自做各自的事了。

And I went through the drive-through of a local coffee shop.

我買了早餐穀片（Cheerios）後， 離開了雜貨店。

After I placed my order, the voice on the other end said,

接著我開車到 本地咖啡店的得來速車道。

"Thank you, ma'am. Drive right around."

我點好餐之後，另一端的聲音說：

Now, in the span of less than an hour,

「謝謝您，女士，請開過來。」

I was understood both as a "sir" and as a "ma'am."

在不到一小時的時間內，

But for me, neither of these people are wrong,

我被認為是「先生」及「女士」。

but they're also not completely right.

但對我來說， 這兩個人都沒有錯，

This cute little human is my almost-two-year-old Elliot.

但他們也沒有完全正確。

Yeah, alright.

這個可愛的小傢伙， 是我的艾略特，快要兩歲了。

And over the past two years,

是的，沒錯。

this kid has forced me to rethink the world

在過去兩年間，

and how I participate in it.

這個孩子迫使我重新思考這個世界，

I identify as transgender and as a parent, that makes me a transparent.

及我要如何參與其中。

(Laughter)

我是變性人（transgender） 也是家長 （parent），

(Applause)

所以我成了透明人（transparent）。

(Cheering)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

As you can see, I took this year's theme super literal.

（歡呼）

(Laughter)

（掌聲）

Like any good dad joke should.

你們可以發現，我完全取用了 今年 TED 主題的字面意思。

More specifically, I identify as genderqueer.

（笑聲）

And there are lots of ways to experience being genderqueer,

老爸笑話本來就該如此。

but for me that means I don't really identify as a man or a woman.

更明確來說，我是性別酷兒，

I feel in between and sometimes outside of this gender binary.

而身為性別酷兒的體驗有很多種，

And being outside of this gender binary

但對我來說，那就意味著 我不被視為男人或女人。

means that sometimes I get "sired" and "ma'amed"

我感覺身在兩性中間， 有時還覺得在兩性之外。

in the span of less than an hour when I'm out doing everyday things

而身在兩性之外，

like getting Cheerios.

就意味著，我只是出門做例行事項，

But this in between lane is where I'm most comfortable.

有時也會在不到一小時中， 被稱為「先生」及「女士」。

This space where I can be both a sir and a ma'am

買個早餐穀片也會如此。

feels the most right and the most authentic.

但我走在中間這線道上 才感到最舒適。

But it doesn't mean that these interactions aren't uncomfortable.

在這個空間中，我可以 既是先生也是女士，

Trust me, the discomfort can range from minor annoyance

這是我覺得最對也最真實的空間。

to feeling physically unsafe.

但那並不表示這些互動是舒服的。

Like the time at a bar in college

相信我，不舒服的範圍 可以從小小的煩擾感

when a bouncer physically removed me by the back of the neck

到實際覺得不安全。

and threw me out of a woman's restroom.

比如，大學時，有次在酒吧裡，

But for me, authenticity doesn't mean "comfortable."

有位保鏢從我脖子後面抓我，

It means managing and negotiating the discomfort of everyday life,

直接把我拖出女廁。

even at times when it's unsafe.

但對我來說， 真實並不表示「舒服」。

And it wasn't until my experience as a trans person

它意味著，要處理和協調 日常生活中的不舒服，

collided with my new identity as a parent

即使是在不安全的時候。

that I understood the depth of my vulnerabilities

一直到我身為變性者的經驗

and how they are preventing me from being my most authentic self.

和我作為家長的新身份產生衝突時，

Now, for most people, what their child will call them

我才知道我的脆弱有多深，

is not something that they give much thought to

以及脆弱如何讓我無法 做最真實的自己。

outside of culturally specific words

對大部分人來說， 他們的孩子要如何稱呼他們，

or variations on a gendered theme like "mama," "mommy," or "daddy," "papa."

是不用多想的事情，

But for me, the possibility is what this child,

用文化上很明確的用詞即可， 或性別稱謂的其他同義詞，

who will grow to be a teenager and then a real-life adult,

如「媽媽」、「媽咪」、 「爹地」、「爸爸」。

will call me for the rest of our lives,

但對我來說， 這個孩子將來也會長大

was both extremely scary and exciting.

成為青少年，成為成人，

And I spent nine months wrestling with the reality that being called "mama"

而在我們接下來的生命中， 他會如何稱呼我，

or something like it didn't feel like me at all.

非常讓人害怕，卻也讓人興奮。

And no matter how many times or versions of "mom" I tried,

我花了九個月的時間， 為了「媽媽」這件事掙扎，

it always felt forced and deeply uncomfortable.

類似這類的事， 讓我覺得完全不像自己。

I knew being called "mom" or "mommy" would be easier to digest for most people.

不論我試過多少次， 換過多少版本的「媽媽」，

The idea of having two moms is not super novel,

感覺就是很生硬， 且有種深深的不舒服。

especially where we live.

我知道對多數人，被稱為「媽媽」 或「媽咪」會比較容易消化。

So I tried other words.

有兩個媽媽並不是非常新奇的事，

And when I played around with "daddy," it felt better.

特別是在我們住的地方。

Better, but not perfect.

所以，我試了其他的用詞。

It felt like a pair of shoes that you really liked

當我用「爹地」胡鬧著玩時， 感覺是比較好。

but you needed to wear and break in.

比較好，但不完美。

And I knew the idea of being a female-born person being called "daddy"

感覺就像一雙你真的很喜歡的鞋子，

was going to be a harder road with a lot more uncomfortable moments.

但你得穿它、適應它。

But, before I knew it, the time had come

我知道因為我出生是女生， 要被稱為「爹地」

and Elliot came screaming into the world, like most babies do,

會是很艱辛的路， 且必然會有很多不舒服的時刻。

and my new identity as a parent began.

但是不知不覺間，時間就到了，

I decided on becoming a daddy, and our new family faced the world.

艾略特就像大部分的 寶寶一樣，呱呱落地，

Now one of the most common things that happens when people meet us

而我身為家長的新身份就開始了。

is for people to "mom" me.

我決定要當爹地， 我們的新家庭要面對這個世界。

And when I get "momed", there are several ways the interaction can go,

當大家遇到我們的時候， 最常發生的狀況是

and I've drawn this map to help illustrate my options.

他們會稱我為「媽」。

(Laughter)

當我被稱為「媽」時， 接下來的互動會有幾種可能狀況，

So, option one is to ignore the assumption

我畫了張地圖協助說明我的選項。

and allow folks to continue to refer to me as "mom,"

（笑聲）

which is not awkward for the other party,

選項一是無視這個假設，

but is typically really awkward for us.

讓大家繼續把我稱為「媽」，

And it usually causes me to restrict my interaction with those people.

這樣對方並不會覺得尷尬，

Option one.

但尷尬的通常是我們。

Option two is to stop and correct them

且這會造成我沒那麼想和那些人互動。

and say something like,

選項一。

"Actually, I'm Elliot's dad" or "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'"

選項二是停下來，指正他們，

And when I do this, one or two of the following things happen.

說類似這樣的話：

Folks take it in stride and say something like, "Oh, OK."

「其實，我是艾略特的爸爸。」 或「艾略特稱我為『爹地』。」

And move on.

當我這麼做時， 下面的這些事有可能會發生。

Or they respond by apologizing profusely

對方從容應對，說：「喔，好。」

because they feel bad or awkward or guilty or weird.

就繼續聊下去。

But more often, what happens is folks get really confused

或是他們會再三道歉，

and look up with an intense look and say something like,

因為他們感覺很糟、 很尷尬、很罪惡，或很怪。

"Does this mean you want to transition?

但通常，會發生的是， 對方感到十分困惑，

Do you want to be a man?"

表情會很緊繃， 接著說類似這樣的話：

Or say things like,

「這表示你想要變性嗎？

"How can she be a father?

你想要當男人？」

Only men can be dads."

或是說：

Well, option one is oftentimes the easier route.

「她怎麼能當父親？

Option two is always the more authentic one.

只有男人才能當爹地。」

And all of these scenarios involve a level of discomfort,

選項一通常是比較簡單的路。

even in the best case.

選項二是則向來都是比較真實的。

And I'll say that over time, my ability to navigate this complicated map

以上所有情境， 都帶有一定程度的不舒服，

has gotten easier.

在最好的狀況下也一樣。

But the discomfort is still there.

隨著時間過去，我使用 這張複雜地圖找方向的能力

Now, I won't stand here and pretend

有變得比較容易。

like I've mastered this, it's pretty far from it.

但仍然會有不舒服。

And there are days when I still allow option one to take place

我不會站在這裡假裝

because option two is just too hard or too risky.

我已經精通了竅門，還遠得很。

There's no way to be sure of anyone's reaction,

還是有些時候，我會讓選項一發生，

and I want to be sure that folks have good intentions,

只因為選項二實在 太困難或太冒險了。

that people are good.

沒辦法確定任何人的反應會是什麼。

But we live in a world where someone's opinion of my existence

而我想要確定大家有好的意圓，

can be met with serious threats to me

大家是好人。

or even my family's emotional or physical safety.

但在我們所居住的世界， 某些人對我的存在會有意見，

So I weigh the costs against the risks

這會對我造成嚴重的威脅，

and sometimes the safety of my family comes before my own authenticity.

甚至會威脅到我家人的 情緒或實體安全，

But despite this risk,

所以我權衡了風險和成本，

I know as Elliot gets older and grows into her consciousness and language skills,

且有時我家人的安全比 我自己的真實性更重要。

if I don't correct people, she will.

但儘管有這樣的風險，

I don't want my fears and insecurities to be placed on her,

我知道當艾略特長大些， 開始有意識且學會語言技巧之後，

to dampen her spirit or make her question her own voice.

若我不去指正別人，她也會去做。

I need to model agency, authenticity and vulnerability,

我不希望我的恐懼和 不安全感被加諸在她身上，

and that means leaning into those uncomfortable moments of being "momed"

讓她意志消沉，或是 讓她質疑她自己的聲音。

and standing up and saying, "No, I'm a dad.

我得要示範出能動性、 真實性，和脆弱性，

And I even have the dad jokes to prove it."

而那就意味著要去接觸那些 被稱為「媽」的不舒服時刻，

(Laughter)

並站出來說：「不，我是爸爸。

Now, there have already been plenty of uncomfortable moments

我甚至會說爸爸笑話，可以當證明。」

and even some painful ones.

（笑聲）

But there's also been, in just two short years,

我已經遇過了許多不舒服的時刻，

validating and at times transformative moments on my journey as a dad

甚至有些痛苦的時刻。

and my path towards authenticity.

但在我當爸爸的這短短兩年中，

When we got our first sonogram,

也有許多讓我感到確認、 有時甚至感到轉變的時刻，

we decided we wanted to know the sex of the baby.

這是我邁向真實性的路。

The technician saw a vulva and slapped the words "It's a girl"

看到第一張超音波圖時，

on the screen and gave us a copy and sent us on our way.

我們決定想要知道寶寶的性別。

We shared the photo with our families like everyone does

技師看到陰部，把「是女孩」 這幾個字打在螢幕上，

and soon after, my mom showed up at our house with a bag filled --

給我們一份複本，就讓我們走了。

I'm not exaggerating,

就和一般人一樣， 我們把這照片和家人分享，

it was like this high and it was filled, overflowing with pink clothes and toys.

沒多久，我媽媽帶著一個袋子 來我們家，裝滿了──

Now I was a little annoyed to be confronted with a lot of pink things,

我沒誇飾，

and having studied gender

它大概有這麼高，裝得滿滿的， 全是粉紅的衣服和玩具。

and spent countless hours teaching about it in workshops and classrooms,

面對一大堆粉紅色的東西， 其實讓我感到有點煩，

I thought I was pretty well versed on the social construction of gender

我研究過性別，

and how sexism is a devaluing of the feminine

也在研討會和教室教性別， 投入無數個小時，

and how it manifests both explicitly and implicitly.

我以為我很了解性別的社會建構，

But this situation, this aversion to a bag full of pink stuff,

以及性別主義如何貶低女性，

forced me to explore my rejection of highly feminized things

以及它用什麼方式顯現， 包括內在以及外在。

in my child's world.

但在這個情況下， 對一大袋粉紅物品的反感，

I realized that I was reinforcing sexism

迫使我去探究我 對於我孩子的世界中

and the cultural norms I teach as problematic.

那些高度女性化的物品的排拒。

No matter how much I believed in gender neutrality in theory,

我發現我反而是在增援那些我教學時

in practice, the absence of femininity is not neutrality, it's masculinity.

說有問題的事物： 性別主義以及文化標準。

If I only dress my baby in greens and blues and grays,

不論我多麼相信理論上的性別中立，

the outside world doesn't think, "Oh, that's a cute gender-neutral baby."

在實際上，缺乏女性化並不是 表示中性，而是表示男性化。

They think, "Oh, what a cute boy."

如果我只讓我的寶寶穿 綠色、藍色，以及灰色，

So my theoretical understanding of gender and my parenting world collided hard.

外在世界並不會認為：「喔， 那是個很可愛的性別中性寶寶。」

Yes, I want a diversity of colors and toys for my child to experience.

他們會想：「喔，好可愛的男孩。」

I want a balanced environment for her to explore

所以，我對於性別理論的了解 和我教養子女的世界用力地相撞。

and make sense of in her own way.

是的，我希望我的孩子 能體驗到多樣化的顏色和玩具。

We even picked a gender-neutral name for our female-born child.

我希望她去探索的 是一個平衡的環境，

But gender neutrality is much easier as a theoretical endeavor

讓她用自己的方式去理解。

than it is as a practice.

我們甚至為出生為女性的孩子 挑了一個中性的名字。

And in my attempts to create gender neutrality,

但要做到性別中性， 在理論上比實際上容易得多。

I was inadvertently privileging masculinity over femininity.

而在我試圖創造性別中性的過程中，

So, rather than toning down or eliminating femininity in our lives,

我不經意就會偏袒 男性化多於女性化。

we make a concerted effort to celebrate it.

所以，我們不是將我們生活中的 女性成份給降低或消除，

We have pinks among the variety of colors,

而是同心協力去讚頌它。

we balance out the cutes with handsomes

我們有各種顏色，當中也有粉紅色，

and the prettys with strongs and smarts

我們在可愛和帥氣間找到平衡，

and work really hard not to associate any words with gender.

在美麗和強壯與聰明間找到平衡，

We value femininity and masculinity

並非常努力不要把 字詞和性別拉上關係。

while also being highly critical of it.

我們重視女性氣質以及男子氣概，

And do our best to not make her feel limited by gender roles.

同時對此也非常吹毛求疵。

And we do all this in hopes

我們盡力不讓她覺得 會受到性別角色的限制。

that we model a healthy and empowered relationship with gender for our kid.

我們做這一切的目的，

Now this work to develop a healthy relationship with gender for Elliot

是希望成為我們孩子的榜樣， 展現健康且有自主權的關係。

made me rethink and evaluate how I allowed sexism to manifest

為了艾略特，我們努力 與性別建立健康的關係，

in my own gender identity.

這麼做讓我重新思考 和評估我要如何讓性別主義

I began to reevaluate how I was rejecting femininity

在我自己的性別身分中呈現。

in order to live up to a masculinity that was not healthy

我開始重新評估我如何抗拒女性特質，

or something I wanted to pass on.

只為了堅持不健康的男子氣概，

Doing this self-work meant I had to reject option one.

或是我想要傳遞的訊息。

I couldn't ignore and move on.

進行這項自我功課 就意味著我得放棄選項一。

I had to choose option two.

我不能當作沒事就繼續下去。

I had to engage with some of my most uncomfortable parts

我得要選擇選項二。

to move towards my most authentic self.

我得要面對一些 讓我覺得最不舒服的部分，

And that meant I had to get real about the discomfort I have with my body.

才能朝向我最真實的自己前進。

It's pretty common for trans people to feel uncomfortable in their body,

那就表示，我得要實際點， 面對我對我身體的不舒服。

and this discomfort can range from debilitating to annoying

對變性人來說，對自己的身體 感到不舒服是很常見的狀況。

and everywhere in between.

這種不舒服， 從無力感到厭煩感都有，

And learning my body and how to be comfortable in it as a trans person

以及兩者間的範圍。

has been a lifelong journey.

了解我的身體及如何舒適地 處在其中，扮演變性人的角色，

I've always struggled with the parts of my body

是一生的漫長旅程。

that can be defined as more feminine --

對於我身體上被定義為 比較女性化的部分，

my chest, my hips, my voice.

總是讓我很掙扎──

And I've made the sometimes hard, sometimes easy decision

我的胸部、臀部、聲音。

to not take hormones or have any surgeries to change it

我做了個有時困難、有時簡單的決定，

to make myself more masculine by society's standards.

就是不要用賀爾蒙或手術來做改變，

And while I certainly haven't overcome all the feelings of dissatisfaction,

來讓我更符合社會的男性化標準。

I realized that by not engaging with that discomfort

雖然我肯定還沒有 克服所有不滿的感受，

and coming to a positive and affirming place with my body,

但我了解到，若不去面對那種不舒服

I was reinforcing sexism, transphobia and modeling body shaming.

並找到正面、肯定的方式 看待我的身體，

If I hate my body,

反而是在助長性別主義、 跨性別恐懼症、以及示範身體羞辱。

in particular, the parts society deems feminine or female,

如果我討厭我的身體，

I potentially damage how my kid can see the possibilities of her body

特別是被社會視為 陰柔或女性化的部分，

and her feminine and female parts.

我可能就會讓我的孩子 無法好好看見她的身體、

If I hate or am uncomfortable with my body,

以及她陰柔或女性化的部分， 具有什麼樣的可能性。

how can I expect my kid to love hers?

如果我討厭我的身體 或對它感到不舒服，

Now it would be easier for me to choose option one:

我怎能期望我的孩子會愛她的身體？

to ignore my kid when she asks me about my body or to hide it from her.

對我來說，選擇選項一 是比較容易的：

But I have to choose option two every day.

若我的孩子問我關於我身體的問題， 不理會她或是對她隱瞞。

I have to confront my own assumptions about what a dad's body can and should be.

但我每天都得要選擇選項二。

So I work every day to try and be more comfortable in this body

我得正視我對於父親的身體可以 或應該是什麼樣子所做的假設。

and in the ways I express femininity.

所以我每天都努力嘗試， 對這具身體以及我的女性化表現

So I talk about it more,

感到更舒適一些，

I explore the depths of this discomfort

所以我更常去談它，

and find language that I feel comfortable with.

我更深入去探索這種不舒服，

And this daily discomfort helps me build both agency and authenticity

並找到我覺得舒服的表達方式。

in how I show up in my body and in my gender.

這種日常的不舒服，協助我 針對如何呈現我的身體及