We would either directly copy what our parents did, or else we would reverentially accept

我們可能直接複製父母的職業，或是虔誠地接受

their suggestions for what we might do. Only for around the last 200 years have we been

他們的建議。近 200 年左右，我們才開始

choosing jobs for ourselves – and we're still at the beginning of learning some of the

為自己選擇職業 – 我們仍在學習這些複雜事

complexities of doing so. On the surface, most families claim to have no interest in their

的起始點。表面上，多數家庭聲稱對孩子做任何職業

children doing any job in particular. The standard line is that they simply want us

沒有特別的興趣。標準就是他們只要我們

to be happy. But we are not as free as this sounds. We are always hemmed in by what can

開心就好。但我們並不像聽起來這麼自由。我們總會被所謂的

be termed "family work scripts", that is, scripts that guide us – often very subtly but also

「家族工作劇本」限制住，也就是引導我們 – 通常是非常隱約但同時

very heavily – towards certain occupations and away from others. Part of properly growing

非常沉重的 – 傾向特定職業而遠離其他職業的劇本。好好長大有一部分是

up – which may sometimes happen only in one's 50s – involves learning to find

– 有時在 50 幾歲時才發生 – 包括了學習找到

a way around the scripts we've been handed. At the most benign level, our family work

我們被交付的劇本所指引的道路。在最良性的程度，我們的家族工作

scripts are the result of what our families understand of the working world. Every family

劇本是家人們對職業世界理解的結果。每個家庭

has a range of occupations that it grasps, because someone has practiced them and in

都有一個可以理解的職業範圍，因為有人從事過並且

the process brought them within the imaginative range of other family members. Yet it isn't

將它們帶入其他家庭成員的想像範圍中。然而並不只是

just a case that our families might not know about certain jobs and so might cut us off from

我們的家人可能不知道特定的工作因此阻絕我們從事它們

them. They might also be positively hostile or suspicious of other jobs. We're liable

他們也可能對其他職業懷有敵意或懷疑。我們很容易

to received many little messages indicating that certain careers are inferior – and

接收到許多小消息指出特定職業是次等的 –

therefore beneath us, dangerous, phoney or not quite right for our sort of station in

也就是比我們低下、危險、虛假或是與我們的身分地位不太符合

life. Whatever lip service might be paid to gender equality, families are also highly

隨口說到性別平等，家人也非常擅長於

talented at sending out covert messages about what a "real" man or a "real" woman

傳遞隱約的訊息暗示一個「真正的」男人或一個「真正的」女人

should honourably do. Yet more darkly, families may say that they want us to succeed, but

應當做什麼。但更黑暗的是，家人可能會說希望我們成功，但

would be highly threatened if we actually did so. A choice we make might remind someone of one

如果我們真的這麼做卻會威脅到他們。我們所做的一個決定可能會使某人回想起他們

of their failed ambitions. Our success might make them feel like a failure. We might try

某次失敗的野心。我們的成功可能讓他們覺得自己很失敗。我們可能會試著

to sabotage our chances of winning so as not to leave a loved one feeling crushed. Often

破壞我們贏的機會以免讓所愛的人感到崩潰

without realising it, we are being heavily controlled by our families. Controlled not

我們經常在沒有發覺的情況下，被家人嚴重控制。

by harsh words but by something far more poignant and yet far harder to extricate ourselves

並不是被苛刻的語言控制，而是被某種更深刻而更難解脫的東西：

from: by our ongoing desire to be a good child, to please those who brought us into this world,

被我們想要當好孩子的渴望、為了取悅將我們帶到這世上的人、

by love. Love can control us as much as force or the law ever could. We are liable to try

被愛控制。愛的控制力可以如同武力或法律一樣強。我們想要

to be good children not just because we feel love but because we fear losing love, because

成為乖小孩不只是因為我們感到愛，還因為害怕失去愛

we live in dread of being cast out if we were to dare to say what we want. But here is

因為我們生活在若膽敢說出想要什麼，就會被驅逐的恐懼之中。

the good news for the timid good children. Parents very, very rarely disown their progeny. It certainly

但對羞怯的乖小孩有個好消息。父母親非常非常少會斷絕和孩子的關係

seems they might in our imaginations forged in childhood. But the adult reality is that

在我們童年鑄成的想像當中，他們肯定看起來會這麼做。但大人的事實是

families are extremely good at threatening to break apart, but then also forgiving one another,

家人們非常擅長於威脅要分裂，但接著又會原諒彼此

and accommodating the most extraordinary challenges and tests. We don't know your families, but

並接納最特別的挑戰和測試。我們不認識你的家人，但

we can guess that you could do a lot more than you think, a lot more that

猜得到你可以做得遠比你以為的更多，多到

might be a bit "bad" in their eyes, and still be forgiven. We owe our

可能對他們來說有一點「壞」，但仍然會被原諒

parents respect and kindness. We do not owe them our lives. We should dare, when the pressure

我們虧欠父母的是尊敬與體貼，但不是我們的生命。我們應該敢於，當壓力大到

has become unbearable, to leave their scripts aside.

無法承受時，拋開他們的劇本

At the School of Life we are constantly developing new products to help us develop emotional intelligence.

在人生學校，我們持續在開發幫助發展情緒智力的新產品

To learn more, follow the link on your screen now.

想知道更多，現在就追蹤螢幕上的連結