(deep bell ring)

(沉重的鐘響聲)

This creepy guy keeps messaging me.

那個怪咖一直傳訊息給我

- Ugh, what is he saying.

- 噁欸，他傳什麼給妳？

- He said, "I'm going to kill myself if you don't respond,"

- 他傳「如果妳不回我，我就去死」

and then he just wrote, "Marry me," like a thousand times.

然後他剛傳了「嫁給我」大概一千次吧

- Gross, I never know what to say with guys like that.

- 好噁，我還真不知怎麼回這種人

(ding)

(叮)

- You should just friend him.

- 妳應該就加他好友啊！

I do that with the women who reach out to me online,

我對在網路上敲我的女人都這樣做

and we usually just have a nice chat,

然後我們通常都聊得很愉快

hey maybe even a date or two.

甚至還出去約會一兩次

- Oh ho ho, you dog.

- 呵呵，你這個色胚

(suspenseful door slam)

(甩門聲)

- Yeah, I guess I don't want to interact with him further,

- 對，我覺得我不想再跟他互動了

and I definitely don't want to meet him in person.

而且我絕對不想跟他見面

- What?

- 啥 ?

It's great meeting new people; you should try it.

多認識人很棒欸，妳應該試看看呀

You know, I love going to bars by myself

我喜歡自己一個人去酒吧

just to meet new people.

去認識新朋友

- That's fun.

- 那很有趣

- I would never go to a bar alone.

- 我絕不會一個人去酒吧

Oh my gosh, it's so much safer in a group,

拜託，一群人去酒吧要安全多了

especially if you're drinking.

特別是如果妳有喝的話

- Absolutely.

- 當然

And I don't wanna get roofied.

我可不想被撿屍

I have three friends who have been and it's terrifying.

我有三個朋友有這樣的經驗，那超驚悚的

- Yes, I get that.

- 對，我懂

One time I roofied myself,

有一次我把自己喝茫了

just to see what the high would be like.

只是想看看這樣有多爽

Honestly, not a fan.

說真的，我不愛

- Really?

- 真的 ?

- Yeah.

- 對

- I don't know why anyone would choose to do that.

- 我不懂為什麼有人會這樣做

- I just like having cool experiences.

- 我只是喜歡酷的體驗

- We like to have cool experiences too;

- 我們也喜歡體驗酷的事情

we're just gonna avoid bars unless we're with people.

只是我們會避開酒吧，除非我們是一群人一起去

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- 對對對

Bars are overrated.

酒吧被高估了

Now, you know what I love?

知道我最愛什麼嗎 ?

Taking long walks alone at night.

一個人在夜裡漫步回家

- Oh, no.

- 喔不

- The later the better.

- 越晚越好

I do my best thinking done then.

那時我最能釐清思緒

- I'd be clutching my phone the entire time.

- 我會全程緊抓著我的手機

- Oh no.

- 錯

Now, you leave your phone at home.

妳應該把手機留在家裡

That way you don't look at Facebook or Instagram.

這樣妳就不會上臉書或是 IG

You'd be in the moment now.

妳會好好享受當下

(thunder)

(晴天霹靂)

- If my phone doesn't have at least 90% battery life,

- 如果我的手機電量低於至少 90%，

I'm not leaving my house.

我不會出門

I need to always be ready to call 911.

我需要隨時能打 119

- Same, always.

- 我也是

- You should get an extra battery back.

- 妳應該多帶一個行動電源

I have one, because I spend all day scrolling on Instagram.

我就有一個，因為我整天在滑 IG

Just put it in my front pocket

只要把它放在我的前口袋

and I can scroll all day long.

然後我就可以滑一整天啦

- [Both] We don't have big enough pockets.

- 我們的口袋不夠大 (異口同聲)

- Oh, just carry it or something; I don't know.

- 喔，就把它帶著還是怎樣啊，我不知道欸

- But we're already carrying keys,

- 可是我們已經帶鑰匙了

in one hand, as a weapon and mace in the other.

一手拿鑰匙當武器，另一手拿防狼噴霧

- You use the mace so you have time to call 911.

- 用防狼噴霧才有時間打 119

- You could take the bus if you don't wanna walk around.

- 如果不想走路，妳可以搭公車

There's always tons of people on that.

公車上總是有很多人

- But the bus can be especially creepy.

- 公車上才可怕咧

- Yeah.

- 對

I've had some terrible things happen to me on it.

我曾經在公車上遇到很驚悚的事

- Never sit - I sat

- 絕對不要坐下 - 我坐了

- [Both] In gum.

- 一屁股坐到口香糖上 (異口同聲)

- Yes! - Oh man!

- 對！ - 天哪！

It's gross.

噁心

- So gross.

- 超噁

- But I've never been a bus guy anyway.

- 反正我從來就不是公車派的

I like to take an Uber and get there faster.

我喜歡搭 Uber，比較快到

(thunder)

(晴天霹靂)

- I took an Uber from parking spot to my apartment

- 昨晚我搭 Uber 從停車場回我住的公寓，

last night, because I was too afraid to walk,

因為我怕到不敢走回去

and the Uber driver yelled at me for wasting his time!

結果 Uber 司機罵我浪費他的時間！

- I actually had a pretty bad night myself last night.

- 其實我昨晚過得很糟

Cop saw me peeing outside and tried to give me a ticket.

條子看到我在外面亂尿尿，想開我罰單

- Why were you peeing outside?

- 你幹嘛在外面亂尿尿？

- Because I was at a movie and the line was too long, okay!

- 因為我當時在看電影然後排廁所的人太多了，可以嗎！

- Urine is a natural thing.

- 排尿是很自然的一件事

Why does society force you to be

為什麼社會要逼你對

ashamed of something that's a part of life?

生命的一部分感到羞恥呢？

- Amen.

- 阿門

- Periods!

- 月經！

- Breast feeding in public!

- 在公共場所哺乳！

- [Both] Female orgasms!

- 女性性高潮 (異口同聲)！

- So you're saying I shouldn't pee outside?

- 所以妳的意思是我不應該在外面亂尿尿嗎？

- Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor.

- 嗨，我是 College Humor 的 Katie Marovitch

If you wanna subscribe, click over here.

訂閱這個頻道，請點這裡

And for more fun stuff click over here.

點這看更多有趣的影片

And if you want access to College Humor's secret site,

如果你想登入 College Humor 的秘密網站，

make sure you send your Social Security Nnmber,

確定你有把你的社會保險號碼、

your credit card information

信用卡資訊、

and your mother's maiden name, in a private message to me.

你媽媽婚前的姓氏私訊給我