Three months.

三個月前

Three months?

三個月前？

OK--

好--

Fresh.

剛生完

Fresh, (LAUGHING) fresh out the body.

新鮮，(笑) 才剛從身體出來

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

So you have a three-month-old, and then

所以你有一個三個月大的孩子，那麼

how old is the first one?

你第一個孩子現在幾歲了？

A two-year-old.

兩歲

And boy, that's a lot.

我的老天爺，這不容易

It's a lot.

的確不容易

And the two-year-old was very jealous at first.

而且一開始我那兩歲的孩子非常的嫉妒

Oh yeah, there they are.

沒錯，他們在那裡

The internet is a lie, that's not how my life really is.

網路上說的都是謊言，和我真實的生活完全不同

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

The two-year-old was so jealous at first.

一開始那個兩歲的孩子超級嫉妒

And when my--

而當我--

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

Oh, there we go.

喔，就是這個

That's real life.

這才是真實的人生

That's real life.

這才是真實的人生

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

When the new baby came, my toddler was like, mama.

當新生兒到來的時候，我那正學走路的幼兒說，媽媽

She wanted to be a baby all over again.

她想要變回一個嬰兒

She was like, I want to drink milk from your boobies.

她說，我想要從妳的乳房那裡喝奶

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

And I was like, the fact that you

而我告訴她，光是妳能夠說出

can complete that entire sentence disqualifies you.

這些話，妳就失去這樣喝奶的資格了

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

That and your full set of teeth.

除了那點還有妳的整副牙齒

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

I mean, having a two-year-old is really hard.

我的意思是，有一個兩歲大的孩子真的不容易

I feel like I'm in a relationship

我覺得我就好像和一個情緒不穩定

with an emotionally unstable woman who

的女人在一段關係當中，而她

is also physically abusive and never gets in trouble for it.

同時也會身體虐待你，卻從不因此陷入麻煩

She kicked me in the neck today for rationing her Thin Mint

她今天踢了我的脖子因為我不讓她吃太多的

intake.

薄荷糖

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

So any time you see pictures of us smiling,

所以當你看到我們一起微笑的照片時，

(WHISPERING it's lies.

(耳語) 是騙人的

It's a lie?

是騙人的？

Yeah.

沒錯

Your whole thing on breastfeeding is hilar--

妳親餵的整件事很搞--

I was crying laughing.

我笑到都哭出來了

I was crying, it's so hilarious.

我哭出來因為實在是太好笑了

And so you have two kids now.

所以妳現在有兩個孩子

And I was joking about it being a thing,

而我還在開這個玩笑

but will you have more, do you think?

不過妳還會再生嗎？妳覺得會嗎？

No, I'm done.

不會，我不生了

You are?

妳確定？

I love being a mom, and I like having two kids.

我熱愛當一個母親，我喜歡有兩個孩子

But I've had two C-sections and I have suffered enough.

不過我已經經歷了兩次剖腹產，我受得苦已經夠了

That's my favorite mantra when it comes to motherhood.

當談到為人母這件事時，這是我最喜歡說的口頭禪

I have suffered enough.

我受夠了

Whenever I feel mom guilt, or when I feel pressure

每當我感到做媽的愧疚或者當我因為受到要

to be a better mom, to cook salmon

成為一個更好的母親的壓力

on a bed of quinoa for my kids, I just think to myself,

而為孩子煮鮭魚藜麥飯，，我就是想著

I have suffered enough.

我已經受夠了

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

Yeah, and then I feel--

是的，然後我覺得--

[APPLAUSE]

[掌聲]

Yeah, it's enough.

沒錯，夠了

And then I feel fine about feeding my toddler

之後在餵我孩子一包薯片當做晚餐時

a bag of chips for dinner.

我感覺好多了

Yeah.

是的

You know, so I had a C-section, and that's major,

你知道嗎，我剖腹產，而那是很大，

major surgery.

很大的手術

Yeah!

對！

And one of my friends was pressuring me to not

我的一個朋友逼我不要

take painkillers for fear that some of the medication

服用止痛藥因為擔心有些藥物

would pass through the breast milk.

會影響到母乳

And I was like, thank you, but I have suffered enough.

而我說，謝謝你，不過我已經受夠了

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

And it was fine.

而什麼事也沒發生

The Vicodin helped the baby sleep better.

維科丁幫助寶寶睡得更好

Yes!

沒錯！

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

Smart, smart.

聰明，聰明

[APPLAUSE]

[掌聲]

Yeah.

是的

Oh, you're so funny.

哦，妳真的很搞笑

Your husband is actually--

妳的老公是--

what does he do for a living?

他是做什麼的？

He is the vice president of this like, multimillion dollar tech

他是一家價值數百萬美元的科技公司

company.

的副總裁

OK.

瞭解

Yeah.

是的

And yet when you are on tour, he sells your merch?

不過當妳在巡迴演出時，他幫妳賣周邊產品？

Yes!

是的！

OK.

瞭解

Because I have to lure him to coming with me.

因為我必須引誘他和我一起去

And it's like it's become this fun eccentric hobby of his

而在演出以後販賣海報成為他的一個

to sell posters after the show.

有趣的古怪嗜好

And I talk a lot about him in my act,

而且我在我的表演裡談到很多有關他的事情

so it's like this kind of meet and greet,

所以這就像是一種見面會一樣

because I don't go out there.

因為我不會在那裡

And he sells posters, and he wears like, workout gear.

然後他穿著運動裝備販賣海報

He wears a towel, because he's like sweating.

他戴著毛巾，因為他很會流汗

Do you have a picture of him selling posters?

妳有他在賣海報時的照片嗎？

Yes, it's huge.

有的，很大一張

Look at that sea of humanity!

看看這人海

That's a lot of--

那有很多--

That's him in the white shirt, and there's

那個穿著白色襯衫的是他，而且

just like a sea of humanity coming at him.

有一群人正往他那裡湧去

And then there's some women who proposition him.

然後有些女人在和他調情

Yes, and I'm like, bullsh-- aren't

沒錯，而我想，搞屁啊-- 妳們

you supposed to be my fan?

不是應該是我的粉絲嗎？

Yeah!

對啊！

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

You coming to snatch my husband?

妳竟敢來搶我的老公？

Oh, my god!

哦，我的天啊！

Yeah!

沒錯！

But, you know.

不過你知道的

They proposition him after watching your show

她們是在看完你的秀以後才去和他調情

and going to get your poster? (LAUGHING) Yeah.

而且還準備買妳的海報？(笑聲) 對啊

That's unbelievable.

真是不可思議啊

But he's just like, sure, yeah, I'll go on a date with you,

不過他就像是，當然好，好啊，我會和妳約會，

and just takes their money.

然後拿她們的錢

Oh my.

哦老天

He's like, next.

然後接著說，下一位

That's hilarious.

那真的太搞笑了

All right, so you have two Netflix specials,

好的，所以妳在 Netflix 有兩場特輯，

and yet you do not have a Netflix account?

不過妳並沒有 Netflix 的帳號？

No.

我沒有

I'm still like, super-duper cheap.

我還是超級無敵小氣

Because I was like, so poor for so long

因為我長久以來都很窮困

and struggling as a comic, that I just can't let go.

並且很努力的做一個喜劇演員，我就是放不下

So I will probably-- unless they give me one--

所以我可能-- 除非 Netflix 給我一個--

I'm never probably going to get my own account.

我可能永遠不會有自己的帳號

See, I was poor growing up, and I had the opposite effect.

要知道，我小的時候也是很窮苦的，不過我得到相反的影響

Because when I was poor, and I just was like,

因為我曾經很窮，而我想

I am never going to have that attitude about money.

對於金錢我永遠都不要有那種態度

I am always going to just get what I want.

我總是要得到我想要的東西

I'm going to do what I want.

我要做我想做的事情

Because I know there's an abundance,

因為我知道金錢是充裕的，

and I will always have enough.

而我總會擁有足夠的

And that's how I live my life.

這就是我過生活的方式

You shouldn't live your life in fear of money,

妳不應該過一種擔心金錢的生活

because you're going to manifest that.

因為妳會表現出這一點

But I am going to give you a year's subscription to Netflix.

不過我要給妳 Netflix 一年份的會員

(YELLING) Oh yeah!

(大叫) 哦耶！

[CHEERING]

[歡呼聲]

But I don't know where it is.

不過我不知道在哪裡

I don't have it.

不在我這裡

[APPLAUSE]

[掌聲]

I don't have that, but also--

不在我這，不過同時--

Amazing.

太好了

You flash your underwear.

妳露出妳的內衣

And so the next time you're going to do that--

所以下次妳要這樣做--

Thank you!

謝謝你！

All right.

好的

But no, I don't have it.

沒有，不在我這裡

But I am going to give you a year's subscription.

但是我會給妳一年份的會員

Was it on top of the underwear?

有在內衣上面嗎？

What?

什麼？

Was it on top of the underwear?

有在內衣上面嗎？

Andy, no?

安迪，沒有嗎？

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]

[INAUDIBLE]

[聽不見的]

OK, Andy.

好的，安迪

We have another one coming.

我們會有另外一個

OK, great.

好的，太好了

Smooth as can be here.

真是太順利了吧

Ali Wong, Hard Knock Life will be available Mother's Day, May

Ali Wong，Hard Knock Life 將於五月 13 日的母親節

13th on Netflix.

在 Netflix 推出

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[音樂播放]

Hi, I'm Andy.

嗨，我是安迪

Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel

艾倫請我提醒你們要訂閱她的頻道

so you can see more awesome videos, like videos

這樣你就可以收看更多更棒的影片，像是

of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things,

我害怕或者說一些令人尷尬的事情，

like ball peen hammer.

像是圓頭槌的影片

And also some videos of Ellen and other celebrities,

還有一些艾倫和其他名人的影片，

if you're into that sort of thing.

如果你喜歡這一類的東西

[SCREAMING]

[尖叫]

Ah!

啊！

[BLEEP] God [BLEEP]!

[尖銳的聲音] 老天 [尖銳的聲音]