We all wanna be in movies.

The thing that would rack my brain is,

How do I go from working a regular job...

...to frickin' movie star?

It wasn't until I met Chris Brown, and saw how girls ACTED around this dude, that I was kinda like...

"You know what? I think I need to...

...I think - I think I need to be on camera."

I got a call one day to come in and audition,

and the FIRST think they'd tell me was, "Listen...

there's this project, there's this MAJOR female movie star attached,

let's just call her "Natalie Portman",

-Not really Natalie Portman tho-

All y'all need to know, is I had the HUGEST crush on this girl,

Since the first movie I'd seen her in, *claps* "DONE."

So when I heard she was attatched to this project already, I was like,

"I don't even care. Let's go."

So the audition day comes along, I go to the audition...

...walk into the room, and the writer's there, the producer's there, and the cameraman's there.

And they're just like,

"Alright Swooz, whenever you're ready - just go."

I act out the scene...

...leave...

...and go home.

And about an hour later, I get a call from my agent, Arlita.

And she goes,

[Arlita] "WHAT HAPPENED?"

[Swoozie] "[Stuttering] What do you mean 'what happened?'"

"They LOVED you!"

"They - they did?

"Like, they're all ABOUT you right now!"

"They want you to come back on Thursday to do a chemistry test,

and do the same kissing scene - that you did today - but with Natalie."

Thursday comes.

Jumped in the Uber.

I get to the audition, walk in...

-BOOM-

Natalie Portman. Right. Frickin'. There -

- and you gotta act...

Like, it's "whatever."

Same people are there - Producer, writer, cameraman.

I'm there, like, gargling Listerine. I'm ready.

So the producer comes up, and she's like,

"Okay, you guys get on the couch...

...and do the scene...

...and play all the way up...

...but STOP -

- right before the kiss."

And I'm like, "DANG IT! SO CLOSE!"

[Arlita] "Okay. We're rolling...

...Swooz?

Whenever you're ready, just go."

I do all my lines, she does her lines,

and it's time for the kiss - and she starts leaning in.

Our lips are about to touch, and I'm like,

"YO! This is 'bout to go DOWN, son!"

The cameraman is there, zooming in -

- and boom! She pulls away. Like, legit, as our lips touch.

And I'm like, "DANG IT!"

"I brushed my teeth today for NOTHING!"

So the audition's over, - I leave -

A few days later, I'm in an Uber, and my phone rings.

It's Arlita.

[Arlita] "You KILLED it, dude!"

"They want you! Like, they're offering you the role. Right now. Take it."

"Hold on - Jason's calling. Jason, you're on."

[Jason] "Uh, this is - this is huge. I'm bringing the champagne. Where we partying at?"

"They sent me the script 10 seconds ago, I read the entire thing...

...you understand you have a love scene, right?"

[Swoozie] "E-Excuse me?"

"A love scene? A what? A love scene?"

[Jason] "Check your email, let me know when you get to page 50."

So I get to the scene,

And it the script it says we're making out.

It's a funny scene, we're at a party,

and we're hooking up in front of the ENTIRE room full of people.

We're knocking over furniture, everybody's filming us-

-and the last sentence, of the description in the script, says -

They're going at it so aggressively... It's porn... with their clothes on.

And I instantly look up and RIP my shirt off, like -

*Arnold Schwarzenegger laughing*

But then I start thinking, like...

"Yo...

...low frequency, high frequency - I heard - that people prepare for this stuff, like-

-y'know, just say: "Hey, let's have coffee."

And while they're having coffee, they say: "Let's go back to my place and 'go over our lines'."

And then?

[laughing and humming]

So the next day, I get a call from Arlita, and she's like-

[Arlita] "Okay, Swooz, I got an update. It's kinda not good."

"They need you in [this nameless city] for 8 days."

"And they're only gonna give you...

...$5,000...

...which is terrible, because they've got a really big budget for this production."

And I'm kinda like,

[Swoozie] "But I get to make out with Natalie Portman tho."

[Arlita] "Seems to me, they know you haven't been in a bunch of movies, so they're lowballing you. BIG TIME."

"But...

...I'mma suggest that we push back."

[Swoozie] "Yeah. Push back."

[I] hang up, she calls them,

a few hours later, she calls me back.

[Arlita] "Swooz, okay, here's where we're at. Uh... It's not good."

"Originally, they wanted you for 8 days. I pushed...

...they said NOW...

...[that] they need you for a month."

"AND they're only gonna pay you $8,500 instead of $5,000."

And I'm like, "What? Double the days? And not double the moneys?"

[Arlita] "And they specifically said they're not paying you to promote the movie in ANY way...

...so they're not paying to you tweet,

...so they're not paying to you tweet, to snapchat,

...so they're not paying to you tweet, to snapchat, instagram,

...so they're not paying to you tweet, to snapchat, instagram, or vlog."

"Again, they're low-balling you because they know you're gonna be so excited to be on set,

that you're going to be doing that stuff anyway,

so they're just trying to get you to do it for free."

"They're trying to play you. I don't like it."

[Swoozie] "[stutters] But like,

[Swoozie] "[stutters] But like, porn,

[Swoozie] "[stutters] But like, porn, with clothes,

[Swoozie] "[stutters] But like, porn, with clothes, on."

"Let's just...

...take a few seconds to reflect."

So we get Jason on the phone, and he's like...

[Jason] "I don't like how they're handling this right now,

their budget is way too big to be giving you $8,000. That's almost insulting."

"I say we pass."

[Swoozie, whispering] "I was so close in the audition! Jason...

...I was this close to kissing her!" [whispering ends]

"I've been training my whole life for this moment!"

So, yeah...

We passed on it!

[sigh]

They would've PAID me to hook up with this girl!

Now I'm back to just...

...hooking up with girls for free and not getting paid for it.