and it was three days long.

列･米蘭（TM）：我們的 第一次對話是在Facebook上，

(Laughter)

這對話長達三天之久。

We shared over 3,000 messages between us,

（笑聲）

and it was during those 72 hours that I knew she was going to be my wife.

我們彼此分享了超過3000條訊息，

We didn't wait any prerequisite amount of time for our courtship;

在72小時裡的對話， 我知道她將會成為我的妻子。

we told each other the vulnerable truths up front:

我們毋須等候一段時間才向對方求愛，

I am a transgender man,

我們開門見山告訴了彼此 那脆弱的真相：

which means the F on my birth certificate should have stood for "False,"

我是一名跨性別男性。

instead of "Female."

我出生證上的字母F， 應該是「錯誤的」意思，

(Laughter)

而非「女性」。

Walking around as a woman in the world

（笑聲）

felt like walking with pebbles in my shoes.

以女性的身分立足這世界

It took the rhythm out of my swagger,

感覺就像是鞋裏放了鵝卵石走著。

it threw me off balance,

這使我無法昂首闊步，

it pained me with every step I took forward.

這使我失去平衡，

But today I'm a man of my own intention;

這讓我每往前一步都感到疼痛。

a man of my own design.

但今天，我出於自己的意願 成為了男性，

Kim Katrin Milan: I am a cisgender queer woman.

由自己設計成為了男性。

Cisgender means the gender I was assigned at birth

金･凱特林･米蘭（KKM）： 我是一名順性別的酷兒女性。

is still and has always been female.

順性別的意思是 我出生時是一名女性，

This doesn't make me natural or normal,

到如今一直以來都仍是女性。

this is just one way of describing the many different ways

但這並不會讓我覺得自然或正常，

that we exist in this world.

這只是用來描述我們在這個世界上 存在的各種形態中的一種。

And queer is a cultural term,

酷兒是一個文化術語，

but in this case,

但是這種語境中，

it refers to the way that I'm not restricted by gender

這意指當我選擇另一半的時候， 我不受自己的性別限制。

when it comes to choosing partners.

我曾用不同的方式定義自己—

I've identified in a few different ways --

雙性戀、女同性戀者—

as a bisexual, as a lesbian --

但對我來說，

but for me,

酷兒性包含了我是誰 和我如何去愛的所有層次。

queerness encompasses all of the layers of who I am and how I've loved.

我是以層次而非片段形式的。

I'm layers, and not fractions.

對於我，

And for me,

他也是酷兒的事實

the fact that he was queer

意味著我從一開始就能夠 相信他對我的追求。

meant that I could trust his courtship from the very beginning.

作為酷兒和跨性別人士，

As queer and trans people,

我們經常被制度和傳統拒之門外。

we're so often excluded from institutions and traditions.

我們在規矩以外創建新空間，

We create spaces outside of convention,

也包括在時間規矩以外。

including the conventions of time.

在我們之間的那3000條訊息，

And in those 3,000 messages between us,

我們把時間瓦解；

we collapsed time;

我們破壞時間；

we queered it;

我們把全部的時間放到檯面上。

we laid it all on the table.

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

沒有任何的隱藏與虛假。

With no pretense at all.

這就意味著我們可用截然不同的方式 對彼此做出承諾。

And this meant that we were able to commit to each other

我們經常被告知的「金科玉律」

in a profoundly different way.

就是己所不欲，勿施於人。

So often what we're told is this idea of the "Golden Rule,"

但問題是，

that we should treat other people the way we want to be treated.

這假設了我們就是其他人的標準，

But the problem with that

可是我們不是。

is that it assumes that we are the standard for other people,

己所不欲，勿施於人，

and we're not.

就是我們必須去問。

We need to treat other people the way they want to be treated,

我不能假設阿列需要的那種爱情

which means we had to ask.

和我需要的那種是一樣的。

I couldn't assume that the kind of love that Tiq needed

所以我向他問所有事， 包括他的恐懼與不安，

was the same kind of love that I needed.

而我們就是從這裡開始。

So I asked him everything -- about his fears, his insecurities --

TM：我不知道我需要哪種的愛情。

and we started from there.

我才剛走出長達一年 被拒絕和完全空虛的陰霾。

TM: I didn't know what kind of love I needed.

曾有一個人看著我的眼睛

I had just come out of a year-long fog

告訴我：因為我是跨性別者， 所以我不值得被愛。

of being rejected and utterly depleted.

我們創造了圍繞著 跨性別者的無情文化。

I had someone look me in my eyes

它經過詳盡論述、合理化， 往往被寫進法律裡。

and tell me that I was unworthy of their love because I was trans.

我幾乎把這個訊息內化了，

And there's a culture of lovelessness

認為自己不值得被愛。

that we've created around transgender people.

但金說我是她的理想對象：

It's reasoned, justified and often signed into law.

我這樣一個心碎的可憐蟲。

And I was a heartbeat away from internalizing that message,

（笑聲）

that I wasn't worthy.

KKM：他完全是我的理想對象。

But Kim said that I was her ideal --

（笑聲）

the heartbroken mess that I was.

他在很多方面都是。

(Laughter)

我們都是詩人、作家、創作者，

KKM: He totally was my ideal.

彼此都有長時間的社區服務經驗，

(Laughter)

都有建立家庭的宏大夢想，

In more ways than one.

我們有很多共同的特質，

Both poets, writers, creatives

但我們卻又如此地不同。

with a long history of community work behind us,

我是一個終生的旅行者， 不常跟家人待在一起，

and big, huge dreams of a family in front of us,

然而他來自大家庭，

we shared a lot of things in common,

一直以來都很沉穩踏實。

but we were also incredibly different.

我往往這樣總結 我們強項之間的分別：

I've been a lifelong traveler and a bit of an orphan,

「你一直給我安全感，

whereas he comes from a huge family,

我就一直使你狂野。」

and definitely stays grounded.

（笑聲）

I often kind of sum up the differences in our strengths

TM：雖然我們的身分被邊緣化， 但我們卻不是過著邊緣化的生活。

by saying, "Keep me safe,

作為酷兒和跨性别者 就是以新的方式生存。

and I'll keep you wild."

這就是去愛這個人原本的樣子，

(Laughter)

而不是愛他們應該要變成的樣子。

TM: We have marginalized identities but we don't live marginalized lives.

金是義無反顧地女性化，

Being queer and trans is about creating new ways of existing.

而這個世界往往殘酷並暴力對待 過於自信或放縱的女性。

It's about loving people as they are,

我和她結合並非要指望她照顧我 或成為我的終身伴侶，

not as they're supposed to be.

而是因為她是一個完整複雜…

Kim is unapologetically feminine

（笑聲）

in a world that is often cruel and violent

KKM: 是吧？那樣不對吧。

to women who are too proud and too freeing.

TM: 她是一個完整複雜的人，

And I didn't enter into this union

她的女性化特質 不是由我來駕馭、控制或批判。

under the auspices that she was going to be my helper or my rib,

因為她的才智、著重溫情的領導方式 和永遠堅守自己的同理心，

but a fully complex --

她從一開始就是我的英雄。

(Laughter)

（掌聲）

KKM: Right? That's not right.

KKM: 我們的感情在於給對方自由。

TM: But a fully complex human being

我最早問他的問題之一就是：

whose femininity wasn't for me to rein in, control or critique.

他還有什麼樣的夢想尚未達到？

It's her brilliance,

而我能夠怎麼樣幫助他達到夢想？

the way she leads with compassion,

他的夢想是以詩人身分生活，

and how she never loses sight of her empathy.

領養小孩，和我一起建立家庭，

She has been my hero since day one.

去過令他感到驕傲的人生，

(Applause)

一個不負他母親不朽傳承的人生。

KKM: Our relationship has always been about setting each other free.

我感激當時我們可以從這部分開始，

One of the first questions I asked him

而不是由探索怎樣互相磨合開始。

was what dreams he had left to accomplish,

我覺得這讓我們 以與眾不同的方式成長。

and how would I help him get there.

我愛他的全部；

His dreams to live as a poet,

轉性前、現在還有未來的他。

to adopt and raise a family together,

就是這樣的愛 令我們對彼此做出承諾，

to live a life that he was proud of,

儘管我們當時還未見面。

and one that would live up to his mother's incredible legacy.

TM：我母親最大的擔心， 就是當我轉性後

And I really appreciated that we were able to start from that place,

誰還會愛我這個人本身。

and not from a place that was around figuring out

我是跨性別、被認為生在錯的肉體， 就要被愛情和夫妻制度拒之門外嗎﹖

how to make each other work together.

但這種結構必須要被重新訂立框架，

And I think this really allowed us to grow into the people that we were

才能讓愛進入其中。

in a way that was incredibly different.

我的身體從沒背叛過我，

I love him whole;

我的身體也從沒有錯。

pre-transition, now and in the future.

就是這具有約束性的性別二元思想

And it's this love that had us committed to each other

認為我是不存在的。

before we'd even seen each other's faces.

但當我們遇見對方時，

TM: My mother's biggest concern when I transitioned

她就愛我在她面前的樣子。

was who was going to love me as I am.

她會用手指劃在我接受平胸手術後 留下的無知覺疙瘩疤痕。

Had being transgender somehow precluded me from love and monogamy

疤痕從我的胸膛中間 一路延伸到我的外軀幹。

because I was supposedly born in the wrong body?

她說那提醒了我有多堅強

But it's this type of structuring that has to be reframed

和我所經歷的一切，

in order to let love in.

而這沒有什麼可令我感到羞愧的。

My body never betrayed me,

所以用短跑衝刺的速度和她步入禮堂

and my body was never wrong.

是我可以做的最「酷兒」的事。

It's this restrictive, binary thinking on gender

（笑聲）

that said that I didn't exist.

這卻是公然違抗 愛情和親密關係的傳統軌跡，

But when we met,

因為上帝被認為從不會 祝福我們這種人的結合，

she loved me for exactly how I showed up.

而法律被認為從不會承認我們。

She would trace her fingers along the numb keloid scars

KKM: 所以在2014年5月5日，

left by my top surgery.

我們在網路上相遇的約三個月後，

Scars that run from the middle of my chest all the way out to my outer torso.

在曼哈頓市政廳的階梯上結婚了，

She said that these were reminders of my strength

這無論從任何方式想像都是美好的。

and everything that I went through

保守地說，我們把一些傳統重新塑造，

and nothing for me to be ashamed of.

但我們還是保留一些適合我們的傳統，

So sprinting towards her hand in marriage

和創造一些適合我們的方式。

was the queerest thing that I could do.

我的花束和點綴裙子的花 都是來自布魯克林的野花，

(Laughter)

還加了一點薰衣草和鼠尾草 用來平靜我們的心情，

It flew in the face of more conventional trajectories

因為我們當時很緊張。

of love and relationships,

花朵都是由我們一位 和藹可親的甜姐兒朋友安排。

because God was never supposed to bless a union for folks like us,

我從沒想過要鑽戒，

and the law was never supposed to recognize it.

因為衝突和遵從慣例 都不是我的風格，

KKM: So on May 5, 2014,

所以我的戒指是暗紫色，

just about three months after meeting online,

就像我頂輪的顏色，

we were married on the steps of City Hall in Manhattan,

其中鑲上了我的誕生石。

and it was beautiful in every conceivable way.

身為酷兒的好處就是可以選擇。

It's safe to say that we reimagined some traditions,

我從不用冠他的姓氏，

but we also kept some old ones that we worked in,

這個一直並不意外，

and we created something that worked for us.

但我卻冠了他的姓氏， 因為我是父親的私生女，

My bouquet and corsage was actually filled with wildflowers from Brooklyn --

我從來就是他要道歉的原因， 是他的秘密，是他被迫接受的東西。

also added in a little bit of lavender and sage to keep us grounded

能去選擇那先選擇我的男人的名字， 那感覺是非常痛快的。

because we were so nervous.

（掌聲）

And it was put together by a sweet sister healer friend of ours.

TM：我們把喜事告訴一些親友時，

I never wanted a diamond ring,

很多人還是不相信我們已經立誓。

because conflict and convention are not my thing,

很貼切地，我們把婚禮照放在Facebook，

so my ring is the deepest purple,

也就是我們相遇的地方上面，

like the color of my crown chakra,

當然還有Instagram。

and set in place with my birthstones.

而我們很快意識到，

The gift of queerness is options.

我們結婚並非只是兩人的結合，

I never had to choose his last name,

而是為數百萬多元性別的人立下榜樣；

it was never an exception,

他們都被勸誘相信一個謊言，

but I did because I am my father's bastard child,

就是家庭和婚姻 跟他們的身分是對立的。

someone who has always been an apology, a secret, an imposition.

他們甚少想到自己獲得愛和快樂， 而我們就要讓他們知道這是可能的。

And it was incredibly freeing

KKM：事實上，

to choose the name of a man who chose me first.

我們當然是因為 自身的身分而被邊緣化，

(Applause)

但這也使我們有膽量 去展現真實的自我。

TM: So we told some family and some close friends,

酷兒特性是我們的主要鑰匙；

many of whom were still in disbelief as we took our vows.

黑色是我們的魔法。

Fittingly, we posted all of our wedding photos on Facebook,

就是因為這些東西，

where we met --

我們才能變得充滿希望， 開放心靈，懂得接納和轉變型態。

and Instagram, of course.

這些東西都是我們神奇的力量泉源。

And we quickly realized

我們的酷兒特性就是那力量的泉源。

that our coming together was more than just a union of two people,

我想起了渥太華詩人 布蘭登･温特的話：

but was a model of possibility for the millions of LGBTQ folks

「不要像同性戀的酷兒， 而是不受定義約束的酷兒。

who have been sold this lie

同時瞬間流動、無止境的酷兒。

that family and matrimony is antithetical to who they are --

以前所未有的自由拒絕支配的酷兒。

for those of us who rarely get to see ourselves

無懼想象愛的樣子 並追求愛的酷兒。」

reflected in love and happiness.

TM：我們都是群體中的一部分...

KKM: And the thing is,

剛剛那段不錯吧？

absolutely we are marginalized because of our identities,

（笑聲）

but it also emboldens us to be the people that we are.

我們是這群體的一部分， 橫跨性別光譜活出真我，

Queerness is our major key;

不管那些無處不在的暴力脅迫，

blackness is our magic.

不管那些以自我方式生活的人們 總是存在的焦慮暗湧。

It's because of these things

全世界每21小時 就有一名跨性别人士被殺。

that we are able to be hopeful, open, receptive and shape-shifting.

美國今年紀錄在案的跨性别者被殺案 比以往任何一年都要高。

These are the things that give us,

然而，我們的故事遠遠超越 力量與柔韌兩者之間的嚴格二分。

and are such an incredible source of, our strength.

我們正在這些邊緣位置 擴大人類的複雜性，

Our queerness is a source of that strength.

我們正在這些邊緣位置創造自由。

I think of the words of Ottawa-based poet Brandon Wint:

KKM：我們沒有任何藍圖。

"Not queer like gay; queer like escaping definition.

我們正在創造一個 我們從未見過的世界；

Queer like some sort of fluidity and limitlessness all at once.

以愛而非血緣關係去組織家庭，

Queer like a freedom too strange to be conquered.

以很少人曾展現的同情心作嚮導。

Queer like the fearlessness to imagine what love can look like,

我們當中很多人都未曾從家庭得到愛，

and to pursue it."

反而被我們最信任的人所背叛。

TM: We are part of a community of folks --

所以我們現在做的 就是創造全新的愛的語言。

Yeah, that's good right?

這種語言開拓全新空間 讓我們活出真我，

(Laughter)

不將男性化與女性化 應該如何的標準強加於人。

We are part of a community of folks who are living their authentic selves

TM：我們想要把愛和包容 作為達致革命性轉變的工具。

all along the gender spectrum,

這想法其實很簡單，

despite the ubiquitous threat of violence,

只要我們抛開一個人應是如何的 先入為主觀念就可以—

despite the undercurrent of anxiety that always is present

例如有某種身體、性別、膚色的人 應是如何的觀念—

for people who live on their own terms.

只要我們立心放下 這些根深蒂固的偏見、

Globally, a transgender person is murdered every 21 hours.

創造空間讓人們自決 和擁抱自我就可以。

And the United States has had more trans murders on record this year

那我們絕對可以創造出一個 比我們出生時更好的世界。

than any year to date.

（掌聲）

However, our stories are much more than this rigid dichotomy

KKM：我們希望把身在這裡的事實 寫進歷史裡。

of strength and resilience.

我們開了多扇窗戶 讓社群見證我們的親密關係。

We are expanding the human complexity on these margins,

我們這樣做的原因 是要繪畫通往未來的地圖，

and we are creating freedom on these margins.

而不是要給自己建立紀念碑。

KKM: And we don't have any blueprints.

我們的經驗不能否定他人的經歷，

We're creating a world that we have literally never seen before;

但應該而且必要地 把愛和婚姻應是如何的問題複雜化。

organizing families based on love and not by blood,

TM：我們多次闡述立場、啟迪他人、 為他人立下一切可行的榜樣，

guiding by a compassion that so few of us have been shown ourselves.

但我們並未完人。

So many of us have not received love from our families --

我們要不時拿起鏡子仔細端詳自己，

have been betrayed by the people that we trust most.

我看見自己並非經常是最佳聆聽者，

So what we do here is we create entirely new languages of love.

也看見自己的自負 阻礙了伴侶兩人的成長。

Ones that are about creating the space for us to be our authentic selves

我要不時去認真評估全世界 對女性的體驗根深蒂固的歧視。

and not imposing this standard

我要不時重新審視 我與妻子結盟的意義。

of what masculinity or femininity is supposed to be.

KKM：我也必須去提醒自己很多事情。

TM: We are interested in love and inclusion

例如該如何在議題上 堅持立場的同時，對人寬容。

as a tool of revolutionary change, right?

我們在寫講稿時還發生了極大的爭執。

And the idea is simply,

（笑聲）

if we drop all our preconceived notions

爭執的原因有很多，

about how somebody is supposed to be --

但都是基於我們的價值觀和生活經歷，

in their body, in their gender, in their skin --

而我們曾經飽受傷害。

if we take the intentional steps to unlearn these deep-seated biases

因為我們的行為和愛的方式 都使我們完全處於苦境。

and create space for people to be self-determined,

即使爭吵持續了兩天，

and embrace who they are,

（笑聲）

then we will definitely create a better world than the one we were born into.

我們還是回到了彼此身邊，

(Applause)

重新忠於自己、彼此和我們的婚姻。