Viewer discretion is advised]

（本演講含有性暴力的圖像及描述，

Tom Stranger: In 1996, when I was 18 years old,

建議觀眾斟酌考量。）

I had the golden opportunity to go on an international exchange program.

湯姆斯特蘭傑： 1996 年，我 18 歲時，

Ironically I'm an Australian who prefers proper icy cold weather,

我有個絕佳機會能夠參加 一項國際交換學生計畫。

so I was both excited and tearful when I got on a plane to Iceland,

諷刺的是，我是澳洲人， 卻偏好冰冷的天氣。

after just having farewelled my parents and brothers goodbye.

因此當我剛跟父母與兄弟告別完，

I was welcomed into the home of a beautiful Icelandic family

搭上飛往冰島的飛機， 心情是又興奮又傷心的。

who took me hiking,

迎接我的是一個美好的冰島家庭，

and helped me get a grasp of the melodic Icelandic language.

他們帶我去健行，

I struggled a bit with the initial period of homesickness.

並幫助我了解優美的冰島語言。

I snowboarded after school,

我在剛到這裡的時候很想家。

and I slept a lot.

我在放學後會去滑雪，

Two hours of chemistry class in a language that you don't yet fully understand

而且睡很多覺。

can be a pretty good sedative.

兩個小時的化學課， 用我還無法完全理解的語言來講授，

(Laughter)

是種很好的鎮靜劑。

My teacher recommended I try out for the school play,

（笑聲）

just to get me a bit more socially active.

我的老師建議我 嘗試學校的戲劇表演，

It turns out I didn't end up being part of the play,

只是想讓我在社交上更積極些。

but through it I met Thordis.

最後，我沒有在劇中演出任何角色，

We shared a lovely teenage romance,

但透過這個機緣， 我遇到了索爾蒂絲。

and we'd meet at lunchtimes to just hold hands

我們共渡了浪漫青春，

and walk around old downtown Reykjavík.

我們在午餐時間見面，手牽手，

I met her welcoming family, and she met my friends.

在雷克雅維克的古老鬧區散步。

We'd been in a budding relationship for a bit over a month

我見了她那熱情的家庭， 她也見了我的朋友。

when our school's Christmas Ball was held.

我們的萌芽期關係 持續了一個多月時間，

Thordis Elva: I was 16 and in love for the first time.

這時學校正要舉辦聖誕舞會。

Going together to the Christmas dance

索爾蒂絲艾娃： 我當時 16 歲，那是我的初戀。

was a public confirmation of our relationship,

一起去參加聖誕舞會

and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

就是在公開確認我們的關係，

No longer a child, but a young woman.

我覺得自己是世界上最幸運的女生。

High on my newfound maturity,

我不再是個小女孩， 而是個年輕女子。

I felt it was only natural to try drinking rum for the first time that night, too.

剛剛轉成熟，我還很興奮，

That was a bad idea.

我也覺得在那晚第一次嘗試 喝蘭姆酒是很自然的。

I became very ill,

那真是個壞主意。

drifting in and out of consciousness

我變得很不舒服，

in between spasms of convulsive vomiting.

在每次突發的嘔吐之間，

The security guards wanted to call me an ambulance,

我的意識時而清醒時而恍惚。

but Tom acted as my knight in shining armor,

保全人員想幫我叫救護車，

and told them he'd take me home.

但湯姆扮演起我的白馬王子，

It was like a fairy tale,

他告訴他們，他會帶我回家。

his strong arms around me,

就像童話故事一樣，

laying me in the safety of my bed.

他強壯的手臂摟著我，

But the gratitude that I felt towards him soon turned to horror

扶著我直到我安全地躺在床上。

as he proceeded to take off my clothes and get on top of me.

但我對他的感激，很快轉變成恐懼，

My head had cleared up,

因為他開始脫掉我的衣服， 爬到我身上。

but my body was still too weak to fight back,

我的頭腦清醒了，

and the pain was blinding.

但我的身體還是太虛弱，無法反擊，

I thought I'd be severed in two.

痛楚讓我視線模糊。

In order to stay sane,

我覺得我會被撕裂成兩半。

I silently counted the seconds on my alarm clock.

為了保持理智，

And ever since that night,

我默默地聽著時鐘，計算著每一秒。

I've known that there are 7,200 seconds in two hours.

從那天晚上之後，

Despite limping for days and crying for weeks,

我就知道了兩小時共有 7200 秒。

this incident didn't fit my ideas about rape like I'd seen on TV.

儘管我跛行了好幾天、 哭了好幾週之外，

Tom wasn't an armed lunatic;

這個事件跟我在電視上 看到的強暴概念並不相符。

he was my boyfriend.

湯姆並不是有武裝的瘋子；

And it didn't happen in a seedy alleyway,

他是我的男朋友。

it happened in my own bed.

且這件事並不是 發生在骯髒的小巷裡，

By the time I could identify what had happened to me as rape,

而是在我自己的床上。

he had completed his exchange program

等到我能確認 我遇到的事就是強暴時，

and left for Australia.

他已經完成了交換學生計畫，

So I told myself it was pointless to address what had happened.

離開冰島回澳洲。

And besides,

所以我告訴自己， 再提這件事也沒有意義。

it had to have been my fault, somehow.

此外，

I was raised in a world where girls are taught

不知怎麼的，我總覺得這是我的錯。

that they get raped for a reason.

在我成長的世界中， 女孩們被教導的是，

Their skirt was too short,

女孩被強暴一定是有理由的。

their smile was too wide,

一定是她們的裙子太短了，

their breath smelled of alcohol.

她們笑容得太大了，

And I was guilty of all of those things,

她們的口氣中有酒精的味道。

so the shame had to be mine.

以上這些，我都有罪，

It took me years to realize

所以這羞辱是我罪有應得。

that only one thing could have stopped me from being raped that night,

我花了好多年才了解，

and it wasn't my skirt,

只有一樣東西能阻止 我在那晚被強暴，

it wasn't my smile,

而那東西並不是我的裙子，

it wasn't my childish trust.

不是我的笑容，

The only thing that could've stopped me from being raped that night

不是我幼稚的信任。

is the man who raped me --

能阻止我在那晚被強暴的，

had he stopped himself.

只有強暴我的男人，

TS: I have vague memories of the next day:

如果他能制止他自己。

the after effects of drinking,

湯姆：我隔天的記憶很模糊：

a certain hollowness that I tried to stifle.

這是喝酒的後果，

Nothing more.

是我試圖抑止的一種空虛感。

But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.

其他什麼都沒有。

It is important to now state

但我沒有去索爾蒂絲家找她。

that I didn't see my deed for what it was.

現在，很重要的是要說明，

The word "rape" didn't echo around my mind as it should've,

我當時並不清楚自己做的是什麼。

and I wasn't crucifying myself with memories of the night before.

「強暴」這個詞並沒有在 我腦中迴盪，雖然它應該要。

It wasn't so much a conscious refusal,

而我也沒有因前晚的記憶 而嚴厲斥責我自己。

it was more like any acknowledgment of reality was forbidden.

它不太像是一種有意識的拒絕，

My definition of my actions completely refuted any recognition

比較像是…承認現實是被禁止的。

of the immense trauma I caused Thordis.

我對我的行為所做的定義， 可說是完全否認了

To be honest,

我對索爾蒂絲造成的巨大創傷。

I repudiated the entire act in the days afterwards

老實說，

and when I was committing it.

在之後的日子裡， 我拒絕承認這個行為，

I disavowed the truth by convincing myself it was sex and not rape.

在我做出這件事的當下也拒絕承認。

And this is a lie I've felt spine-bending guilt for.

我說服自己，那是性愛而非強暴， 用這方式來否認真相。

I broke up with Thordis a couple of days later,

而這是個謊言，讓我一直 感到極度罪惡的謊言。

and then saw her a number of times

幾天之後我跟索爾蒂絲分手了，

during the remainder of my year in Iceland,

我在冰鳥的那年，

feeling a sharp stab of heavyheartedness each time.

後來還見過她幾次。

Deep down, I knew I'd done something immeasurably wrong.

每次見到她，都感悲哀的銳利一刺。

But without planning it, I sunk the memories deep,

在內心深處， 我知道我犯下了極大的錯誤。

and then I tied a rock to them.

但我沒有刻意計畫， 就自動讓記憶沉入心底，

What followed is a nine-year period

還將它綁在一顆大石頭上。

that can best be titled as "Denial and Running."

接下來的九年，

When I got a chance to identify the real torment that I caused,

最適合被稱為「否認和逃跑」期。

I didn't stand still long enough to do so.

當我有機會可以去確認 我造成的巨大痛苦時，

Whether it be via distraction,

我卻選擇逃走而不去確認。

substance use,

不管是透過什麼方式，如分散注意力、

thrill-seeking

使用違禁品、

or the scrupulous policing of my inner speak,

尋求刺激，

I refused to be static and silent.

或謹慎守好我內在的舵輪，

And with this noise,

我拒絕保持靜止和沉默。

I also drew heavily upon other parts of my life

因為有這雜音，

to construct a picture of who I was.

我更深深仰賴我生活中的其他部分，

I was a surfer,

來建構出我是誰的形象。

a social science student,

我曾是衝浪客、

a friend to good people,

社會科學學生、

a loved brother and son,

一些好人的朋友、

an outdoor recreation guide,

被愛的兄弟和兒子、

and eventually, a youth worker.

戶外活動指導員，

I gripped tight to the simple notion that I wasn't a bad person.

最終，成了服務青年的社會工作者。

I didn't think I had this in my bones.

我緊緊抓住 「我不是壞人」的簡單想法。

I thought I was made up of something else.

我不認為這是我的本性。

In my nurtured upbringing,

我認為我的本性是其他東西。

my loving extended family and role models,

在我被養育長大的過程中，

people close to me were warm and genuine

我慈愛的家人跟典範，

in their respect shown towards women.

跟我很親的人在對女性展現尊重時

It took me a long time to stare down this dark corner of myself,

都很溫暖真誠。

and to ask it questions.

我花了很長一段時間，才敢 正視我自己的這個黑暗角落，

TE: Nine years after the Christmas dance,

對它問問題。

I was 25 years old,

索：聖誕節舞會的九年後，

and headed straight for a nervous breakdown.

我二十五歲，

My self-worth was buried under a soul-crushing load of silence

直直朝精神崩潰邁進。

that isolated me from everyone that I cared about,

我的自我價值被埋在 足以壓碎靈魂的沈默重擔之下，

and I was consumed with misplaced hatred and anger

這在我跟我關心的 每個人之間建立了隔閡，

that I took out on myself.

我對自己感到憎恨和憤怒，

One day, I stormed out of the door in tears

而這弄錯對象的 憎恨和憤怒吞噬著我。

after a fight with a loved one,

有一天，我哭著衝出門，

and I wandered into a café,

因為我跟我愛的人吵了一架，

where I asked the waitress for a pen.

我晃到了一間咖啡廳，

I always had a notebook with me,

在那裡我跟女服務生要了一支筆。

claiming that it was to jot down ideas in moments of inspiration,

我都會隨身著筆記本，

but the truth was that I needed to be constantly fidgeting,

宣稱它是用來快速記下乍現的靈光，

because in moments of stillness,

但事實是，我需要保持 坐立不安的狀態，

I found myself counting seconds again.

因為在靜止的時刻，

But that day, I watched in wonder as the words streamed out of my pen,

我發現我又會開始數秒數。

forming the most pivotal letter I've ever written,

但，那天，我驚奇地看著 我筆下揮灑出的文字，

addressed to Tom.

形成了我所寫過最關鍵性的一封信，

Along with an account of the violence that he subjected me to,

收件人是湯姆。

the words, "I want to find forgiveness"

內容描述他讓我遭受的暴力，

stared back at me,

「我想找到寬恕」這幾個字

surprising nobody more than myself.

回望著我，

But deep down I realized that this was my way out of my suffering,

沒有人比我更驚訝了。

because regardless of whether or not he deserved my forgiveness,

但內心深處，我知道 這是我脫離苦難的路，

I deserved peace.

因為不論他是否應該得到我的寬恕，

My era of shame was over.

我都應該得到平靜。

Before sending the letter,

我的羞愧時期結束了。

I prepared myself for all kinds of negative responses,

寄出這封信之前，

or what I found likeliest: no response whatsoever.

我讓自己準備好 面對各種可能的負面回應，

The only outcome that I didn't prepare myself for

或最有可能的情況：沒有回應。

was the one that I then got --

只有一個結果是我沒準備要面對的，

a typed confession from Tom, full of disarming regret.

它卻發生了。

As it turns out, he, too, had been imprisoned by silence.

湯姆用打字回覆的自白信， 內容盡是悔恨，讓我的氣都消了。

And this marked the start of an eight-year-long correspondence

結果發現，他也一直 被沈默給禁錮著。

that God knows was never easy,

這開始了一段長達 八年之久的書信往來，

but always honest.

天知道這一點也不容易，

I relieved myself of the burdens that I'd wrongfully shouldered,

但永遠要誠實。

and he, in turn, wholeheartedly owned up to what he'd done.

我放下了我誤扛起的重擔，

Our written exchanges became a platform

而他，則全心全意坦承他所做的事。

to dissect the consequences of that night,

我們的書面交流成了一個平台，

and they were everything from gut-wrenching

用來仔細分析那晚的後果，

to healing beyond words.

所有的後果都談了，從摧心裂肝

And yet, it didn't bring about closure for me.

到文字無法形容的療癒。

Perhaps because the email format didn't feel personal enough,

然而，它並沒有為我 將此事畫上句點。

perhaps because it's easy to be brave

或許是因為我覺得電子郵件的形式 沒有足夠的親身感，

when you're hiding behind a computer screen on the other side of the planet.

或許是因為當你身在地球的另一端

But we'd begun a dialogue

躲在電腦後面時， 要表現勇敢是比較容易的。

that I felt was necessary to explore to its fullest.

但我們開始了對話，

So, after eight years of writing,

我認為若要充分探索這件事， 這種對話是必要的。

and nearly 16 years after that dire night,

所以，通信八年之後，

I mustered the courage to propose a wild idea:

也就是那可怕夜晚的約十六年之後，

that we'd meet up in person

我鼓起勇氣，提出一個狂野的想法：

and face our past once and for all.

讓我們親自見面，

TS: Iceland and Australia are geographically like this.

一勞永逸面對我們的過去。

In the middle of the two is South Africa.

湯：冰島和澳洲在 地理上的位置就像這樣。

We decided upon the city of Cape Town,

兩個國家的中間是南非。

and there we met for one week.

我們決定選擇開普敦，

The city itself proved to be a stunningly powerful environment

在那裡碰面一週。

to focus on reconciliation and forgiveness.

事實證明，若想要 專注在和解和寬恕，

Nowhere else has healing and rapprochement been tested

這座城市是個極強大的環境。

like it has in South Africa.

沒有其他地方像南非這樣，

As a nation, South Africa sought to sit within the truth of its past,

和解和調解都經過了如此的測試。

and to listen to the details of its history.

就一個國家而言，南非尋求的 是面對過去的真相，

Knowing this only magnified the effect that Cape Town had on us.

並傾聽其歷史的種種細節。

Over the course of this week,

知道這一點，只是放大了 開普敦對我們的影響。

we literally spoke our life stories to each other,

在這一週的過程中，

from start to finish.

我們真的跟彼此分享了 自己的人生故事，

And this was about analyzing our own history.

從頭到尾都分享了。

We followed a strict policy of being honest,

重點是在分析我們自己的歷史。

and this also came with a certain exposure,

我們遵守一條嚴格的政策：要誠實。

an open-chested vulnerability.

這就會伴隨著某些事實的揭露，

There were gutting confessions,

打開心胸，不再隱藏自己的脆弱。

and moments where we just absolutely couldn't fathom

過程有著發自深處的懺悔，

the other person's experience.

有些時候，我們就是怎樣都無法

The seismic effects of sexual violence were spoken aloud and felt,

理解對方所經歷的。

face to face.

性暴力的重大影響被 大聲說出來、被感受到了，

At other times, though,

且是面對面的情況下。

we found a soaring clarity,

不過，其他時候，

and even some totally unexpected but liberating laughter.

我們的思想變得相當清楚，

When it came down to it,

甚至會解放地有說有笑， 這完全不在預期之中。

we did out best to listen to each other intently.

談到這件事時，

And our individual realities were aired with an unfiltered purity

我們都盡自己的力， 專心傾聽了彼此。

that couldn't do any less than lighten the soul.

未被過濾的純淨， 暢通了我們個別的現實，

TE: Wanting to take revenge is a very human emotion --

這純淨點亮了我們的靈魂。

instinctual, even.

索：想要報復是人都會有的情緒，

And all I wanted to do for years

甚至可以說是本能。

was to hurt Tom back as deeply as he had hurt me.

多年來，我一直想做的是

But had I not found a way out of the hatred and anger,

用同樣重傷的方式來回敬他。

I'm not sure I'd be standing here today.

但若我當初沒有找到方式 擺脫憎恨及憤怒，

That isn't to say that I didn't have my doubts along the way.

我不確定今天我是否會站在這裡。

When the plane bounced on that landing strip in Cape Town,

那並不是說我一路走來 都沒有懷疑過。

I remember thinking,

但當飛機顛簸地降落在開普敦時，

"Why did I not just get myself a therapist and a bottle of vodka

我記得我那時在想，

like a normal person would do?"

「我為何不跟正常人一樣， 找個心理治療師跟

(Laughter)

一瓶伏特加就好了？」

At times, our search for understanding in Cape Town

（笑聲）

felt like an impossible quest,

有時，我們在開普敦尋求了解的過程

and all I wanted to do was to give up

感覺就像是趟不可能的追尋。

and go home to my loving husband, Vidir,

而我所想做的就只有放棄，

and our son.

然後回家，回到珍愛我的老公維德

But despite our difficulties,

及我們的兒子身邊。

this journey did result in a victorious feeling

但儘管我們遇到困難，

that light had triumphed over darkness,

這趟旅程確造成了一種凱旋的感覺，

that something constructive could be built out of the ruins.

光明戰勝了黑暗的感覺，

I read somewhere

在斷垣殘壁中也能建造出 有建設性的東西。

that you should try and be the person that you needed when you were younger.