may have been the biggest news in terms of quality,

可能是品質方面最大的新聞。

but when it comes to news quantity,

但在新聞數量上，當。

nobody beats President Trump.

沒有人可以打敗特朗普總統。

And over the span of the weekend,

而在這個週末的時間裡。

Trump made so much news happen

特朗普製造了這麼多新聞

that we don't have the time to cover it all.

我們沒有時間來覆蓋這一切。

Luckily, not enough time is the perfect amount of time

幸運的是，時間不夠用是最完美的時間段

for our recurring segment

我們的經常性部門

Ain't Nobody Got Time for That: Trump Edition.

Ain't Nobody Got Time for That:特朗普版。

-♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)

-（歡呼聲和掌聲）

All right, let's start with the big news of the day.

好吧，讓我們從今天的重大新聞開始。

Trump is getting tough on Russia.

特朗普對俄羅斯的態度越來越強硬。

President Trump ordering the expulsion

特朗普總統下令驅逐

of 60 Russian diplomats

60名俄羅斯外交官

the United States has identified as intelligence officers.

美國已確定為情報人員的。

Plus, he's closing

另外，他的關閉

the Russian consulate in Seattle.

俄羅斯駐西雅圖領事館。

The White House says the move comes in response

白宮表示，此舉是為了迴應

to the nerve agent attack

對神經毒劑攻擊

on a former Russian spy and his daughter in the U.K.

一名前俄羅斯間諜和他的女兒在英國的情況。

Dozens of Russian diplomats have been expelled.

數十名俄羅斯外交官被驅逐。

They will have, by the way,

順便說一下，他們會有。

about one week to get out of this country.

大約一個星期就可以離開這個國家。

One week?

一個星期？

That's not a lot of time to cram all your poisonings in.

這時間不多，不能把所有的毒藥都塞進去。

Yeah, I mean, now with this deadline,

是啊，我的意思是，現在這個截止日期。

Russians are gonna be running around

俄國人會到處亂跑

like perfume salespeople at Macy's.

就像梅西百貨的香水銷售人員一樣。

Just gonna be like, "You're dead. You're dead.

只是會像，"你'死了，你'死了。你'死了。

"You're dead. You're dead. You're dead.

"你'死了。你'死了。你'死了。

Nerve Gas by Kremlin."

克里姆林宮的神經毒氣。"

(laughter)

（笑聲）

You know why Trump probably did this, though, right?

不過你知道為什麼特朗普可能會這麼做吧？

Someone told him. They're like, "Sir, if you sign this,

有人告訴他。他們說："先生，如果你簽了這個。

everyone working for Russia has to leave the U.S."

每個為俄羅斯工作的人都必須離開美國"。

And he was like, "Yay, I'm free!

他就像，"耶，我自由了！"。

Putin, I'm coming home, baby!"

普京，我&#39；回家了，寶貝！"

It's like, "No, not you, sir."

這就像，"不，不是你，先生。"

"Oh, damn it. Stuck."

"哦，該死的。卡住了。"

Oh, and before he kicked out the Russians,

哦，在他把俄國人踢出去之前，

Trump also got rid of his national security advisor,

特朗普還擺脫了他的國家安全顧問。

H.R. McMaster, and replaced him

H.R. McMaster，並取而代之。

with elderly Lorax John Bolton.

與老羅勒克斯約翰-波頓。

Now, for many people, for many people,

現在，對於很多人來說，對於很多人來說。

Bolton taking over for McMaster is terrifying,

博爾頓接替麥克馬斯特的位置是很可怕的。

because unlike McMaster,

因為不像麥克馬斯特。

Bolton is horny for war with North Korea and Iran,

博爾頓對與北韓和伊朗的戰爭欲罷不能。

and he's one of the very few people left

和他的極少數人之一離開了

who still thinks the Iraq War was a good idea.

誰還認為伊拉克戰爭是一個好主意。

Yeah. So, now, w-we could talk

是啊，所以，現在，我們...所以，現在，W -我們可以談談

about how Bolton's policies could throw America

關於博爾頓的政策如何可能會拋出美國

into a never-ending spiral of unwinnable wars,

陷入無休止的、無法贏取的戰爭的漩渦。

but we don't really have the time,

但我們真的沒有時間。

because thanks to another Trump decision,

因為由於特朗普的另一個決定。

America is actually gonna have fewer troops.

美國實際上會有更少的軍隊。

President Trump has issued an order

美國總統特朗普已發佈命令

banning transgender people from serving in the military

禁止變性人服兵役；

except under "limited circumstances."

除非在 "有限的情況下"。

You know, I'm not gonna lie.

你知道，我不會說謊。

I really don't understand this decision.

我真的不明白這個決定。

I mean, if you're looking for brave people

我的意思是，如果你正在尋找勇敢的人。

to join the military,

參軍。

you don't have to look any further than trans people.

你不'看任何進一步比跨人。

Like, you think it takes guts to fight in Syria?

就像，你認為在敘利亞打仗需要勇氣？

Try being trans and walking into a restroom in Alabama.

試著做個變性人，走進阿拉巴馬州的洗手間。

That's bravery, my friends. That's bravery.

這是勇敢的，我的朋友。這就是勇敢

(cheering and applause)

（歡呼和掌聲）

So, so, in the span of a weekend,

所以，所以，在一個週末的時間裡。

transgender soldiers and Russians are out,

變性人阿兵哥和俄羅斯人都出來了。

Colonel Mustache is in.

鬍子上校在。

And if that wasn't enough,

如果這還不夠。

Donald Trump kept the government open,

唐納德-特朗普保持政府開放。

but he wasn't happy about it.

但他並不高興。

President Trump signing that $1.3 trillion spending bill

特朗普總統簽署那份1.3萬億美元的支出法案

after threatening to veto

揚言要否決後

because his border wall wasn't fully funded

因為他的邊境牆是'沒有充分的資金。

and there was no fix, he said, for DACA.

並沒有修復，他說，DACA。

The president signing what was a monster piece

總統簽署了什麼是一個怪物的作品

of legislation, reluctantly.

的立法，勉強。

There are some things that we should have in the bill.

有些東西我們應該在法案中加入。

But I say to Congress,

但我對國會說：

I will never sign another bill like this again.

我再也不會簽署這樣的法案了。

I'm not gonna do it again.

我不會再這樣做了。

Aw. Sucks when people make you do something

啊吮吸當人們讓你做一些

you don't want to do, Donald. Aw.

你不'不想做，唐納德。啊

It's funny how Trump sold himself as the best dealmaker

有趣的是，特朗普是如何把自己賣成最好的交易員的？

of all time, but he's being forced

但他被逼著

to sign a deal that he doesn't like.

以簽署一份他不喜歡的協議'。

Yeah, and his big threat is that he won't do it again.

是啊，他最大的威脅是，他不會再這樣做了。

Yeah. I guess that's the kind of negotiating

是啊 我想這就是談判的方式吧

that left him stuck with Eric and Don Jr. in the divorce.

使得他在離婚時只能和埃裡克和小唐在一起。

Is that what happened?

是這樣的嗎？

"All right, fine. I'll take those little weirdos this time,

"好吧，好吧。我'這次就帶那些小怪去。

but, next divorce, I'm standing my ground!"

但是，下次離婚，我'站在我的立場上！"

Now, unfortunately, we don't have the time

現在，不幸的是，我們沒有時間。

to talk about how Trump promised to cut the deficit

來談論特朗普如何承諾削減赤字的問題

but instead has spent money like Lil Wayne

而是像Lil Wayne一樣花錢

at an out-of-network dentist,

在網絡外的牙醫處。

because the Trump news that's been swallowing everything

因為特朗普的新聞，一直在吞噬一切&#39；。

this weekend happened when the star of your sex dreams

這個週末，當你的性夢中的明星發生了。

sat down with Stormy Daniels

與斯托米-丹尼爾斯坐在一起

to discuss her alleged affair with Donald Trump.

來討論她與唐納德-特朗普的所謂婚外情。

And, my friends, it was creepy.

而且，我的朋友們，這是令人毛骨悚然的。

-You had sex with him? -Yes.

-你和他做愛了？-是的

It started off, uh, all about him.

開始的時候，呃，都是關於他的。

Just talking about himself. And he's like, uh,

只是在談論自己。而他就像，呃。

"Have you seen my new magazine?"

"你看到我的新雜誌了嗎？"

And I was like, "Someone should take that magazine

我當時想，"應該有人把那本雜誌

and spank you with it." And I was like,

並打你的屁股吧。"我當時想，

"Turn around. Drop 'em."

"轉身。放下'他們。"

And I just gave him a couple swats.

而我只是給了他幾巴掌。

This was done in a j-joking manner?

這是以開玩笑的方式進行的？

Yes. And, uh, from that moment on,

是的。而且，呃，從那一刻起，

he was a completely different person.

他是一個完全不同的人。

-How so? -He quit talking about himself

-怎麼說？-他不說自己了

and he asked me things and I asked him things

他問我一些事情，我也問他一些事情。

and it just became, like, you know, more appropriate.

它只是變得一樣， 你知道，更合適。

Ew.

Ew.

Donald Trump likes to be spanked?

唐納德-特朗普喜歡被打屁股？

I did not need to know that.

我不需要知道這些。

And you know what makes it weirder is that,

你知道是什麼讓它變得更奇怪嗎？

when he's spanked, he becomes a nice guy and starts opening up.

當他'的屁股，他成為一個好人，並開始打開。

You know Bob Mueller is watching this interview, right?

你知道鮑勃-穆勒在看這次採訪吧？

You know that. And now he's gonna walk

你知道的現在他要走了

into the interrogation room with a rolled-up magazine,

拿著一本捲起來的雜誌走進審訊室。

like, "Okay, Donald, time to talk about Russia."

像，"好吧，唐納德，時間來談談俄羅斯。"

(cheering and applause)

（歡呼和掌聲）

Donald's gonna be like, "It started with-- ow--

唐納德的會是這樣的，"它開始與--嗷--"。

"a meeting-- ow--

"一個會議 - 嗷 -

"at Trump Tow-- ow!

"在特朗普塔...

I've been a bad boy."

我'一直是個壞孩子。"