in the here and now.

今天我以能在此時此刻 徹底享受人生的身分

But for a long time,

站在你們面前。

I lived for death.

但曾有很長一段期間，

I was a young man who believed

我為死亡而活。

that jihad is to be understood in the language of force and violence.

我年少時相信

I tried to right wrongs through power and aggression.

所謂聖戰即代表了武力及暴力。

I had deep concerns for the suffering of others

我試著透過力量和侵略 修正他人的錯誤。

and a strong desire to help and bring relief to them.

我深切地關心正在受苦受難的旁人，

I thought violent jihad was noble,

並強烈地想幫助他們解脫。

chivalrous

我認為暴力性的聖戰 是一種高貴、

and the best way to help.

驍勇的行為，

At a time when so many of our people --

也是幫助他人的最佳解藥。

young people especially --

在我們族群之中很多人──

are at risk of radicalization

特別是年輕人──

through groups like al-Qaeda,

透過像是蓋達、

Islamic State and others,

伊斯蘭國或其他組織，

when these groups are claiming

因而處在激進化的邊緣，

that their horrific brutality and violence are true jihad,

當這些組織聲稱

I want to say that their idea of jihad is wrong --

他們的暴行才是真正的聖戰之時，

completely wrong --

我得說他們對聖戰 這兩個字的概念有誤──

as was mine, then.

大錯特錯──

Jihad means to strive to one's utmost.

就像是那時的我所認為的一樣。

It includes exertion and spirituality,

聖戰代表要盡一個人的全力。

self-purification

這包含了各層面的功修、

and devotion.

自我淨化，

It refers to positive transformation

以及奉獻精神。

through learning, wisdom and remembrance of God.

聖戰代表了透過學習、智慧

The word jihad stands for all those meanings as a whole.

和紀念真主的正向轉型。

Jihad may at times take the form of fighting,

聖戰這一詞概括了前述的所有概念。

but only sometimes,

聖戰有時的確透過打鬥的形式，

under strict conditions,

但只是有時候，

within rules and limits.

存在於嚴格的條件、

In Islam,

規則與限制之下。

the benefit of an act must outweigh the harm or hardship it entails.

伊斯蘭教相信，

More importantly,

一個行為帶來的好處， 必須大於其將帶來的傷害。

the verses in the Koran that are connected to jihad or fighting

更重要的是，

do not cancel out the verses that talk about forgiveness,

可蘭經中對於聖戰或打鬥的描述，

benevolence

不能抵消經文中對於饒恕、

or patience.

仁愛、

But now I believe that there are no circumstances on earth

以及耐心的價值。

where violent jihad is permissible,

現在我相信地球上沒有任何地方

because it will lead to greater harm.

會允許暴力性的聖戰，

But now the idea of jihad has been hijacked.

因為這只會帶來更大的傷害。

It has been perverted to mean violent struggle

但如今聖戰的定義被劫持去了。

wherever Muslims are undergoing difficulties,

它反常地代表了暴力性的鬥爭：

and turned into terrorism

每當穆斯林遇到困難，

by fascistic Islamists like al-Qaeda,

就會因為像是蓋達、

Islamic State and others.

伊斯蘭國等法西斯伊斯蘭教徒

But I have come to understand

而變成恐怖份子。

that true jihad means striving to the utmost

但我現在瞭解了，

to strengthen and live those qualities which God loves:

真正的聖戰代表了盡全力

honesty, trustworthiness,

加強並活出真主所喜愛的特質：

compassion, benevolence,

正直、信賴、

reliability, respect,

同情、仁愛、

truthfulness --

可靠、尊重、

human values that so many of us share.

和真誠──

I was born in Bangladesh,

這都是眾人所共享的價值觀。

but grew up mostly in England.

我出生於孟加拉，

And I went to school here.

但多數時間在英國長大。

My father was an academic,

也在這裡就學。

and we were in the UK through his work.

我父親是位學者，

In 1971 we were in Bangladesh when everything changed.

我們因為他的工作來到英國。

The War of Independence impacted upon us terribly,

1971 年我們在孟加拉， 一切風雲變色。

pitting family against family,

獨立戰爭嚴重衝擊我們，

neighbor against neighbor.

造成家家對立，

And at the age of 12 I experienced war,

鄰里反目成仇。

destitution in my family,

我 12 歲時就經歷了戰爭、

the deaths of 22 of my relatives in horrible ways,

家道中落、

as well as the murder of my elder brother.

22 位親戚慘死，

I witnessed killing ...

同時我哥哥被謀殺。

animals feeding on corpses in the streets,

我見證了殺戮…

starvation all around me,

動物啃食街道上的屍體，

wanton, horrific violence --

大家莫不飢餓難耐，

senseless violence.

還有可怕的暴行肆虐——

I was a young man,

無謂的暴行。

teenager, fascinated by ideas.

我那時還年輕，

I wanted to learn,

為各種想法著迷。

but I could not go to school for four years.

我想學習，

After the War of Independence,

但我整整 4 年無法就學。

my father was put in prison for two and a half years,

獨立戰爭之後，

and I used to visit him every week in prison,

我父親坐了兩年半的牢。

and homeschooled myself.

我每個禮拜都去探監，

My father was released in 1973

並在家自學。

and he fled to England as a refugee,

我父親於 1973 年被釋放，

and we soon followed him.

他以難民的身分逃去英國，

I was 17.

我們之後也跟著他去。

So these experiences gave me

我那年 17 歲。

a sharp awareness of the atrocities and injustices in the world.

這些經驗

And I had a strong desire --

讓我清楚地意識到 世界上的暴行和不公不義。

a very keen, deep desire --

而我產生強烈的慾望──

to right wrongs

深至心坎的強烈慾望──

and help the victims of oppression.

要修正錯誤，

While studying at college in the UK,

並幫助受壓迫的人們。

I met others who showed me how I could channel that desire

當我在英國讀大學時，

and help through my religion.

我遇到了能教我實現願望的人，

And I was radicalized --

他們將透過我的信仰幫忙。

enough to consider violence correct,

而我就被激進化了──

even a virtue under certain circumstances.

這足以將暴力合理化，

So I became involved in the jihad in Afghanistan.

在一些情況下， 甚至認為這是種美德。

I wanted to protect the Muslim Afghan population against the Soviet army.

所以我參加了在阿富汗的聖戰。

And I thought that was jihad:

我想保護阿富汗的穆斯林人口 對抗蘇聯軍隊。

my sacred duty,

我認為這就是聖戰：

which would be rewarded by God.

我的天職，

I became a preacher.

將為真主所讚揚。

I was one of the pioneers of violent jihad in the UK.

我成了傳教者。

I recruited,

我是英國暴力聖戰的先鋒。

I raised funds, I trained.

我招募、

I confused true jihad

我集資、我訓練。

with this perversion as presented by the fascist Islamists --

我將真正的聖戰，

these people who use the idea of jihad

和法西斯伊斯蘭教徒 所提出的偏差聖戰搞混了。

to justify their lust for power, authority and control on earth:

這些人假聖戰之名

a perversion perpetuated today by fascist Islamist groups

將他們對一統天下的慾望合理化：

like al-Qaeda, Islamic State and others.

這種偏差思想 被激進伊斯蘭組織延續至今，

For a period of around 15 years,

像是蓋達、伊斯蘭國等。

I fought for short periods of time

大概有 15 年的時間，

in Kashmir and Burma,

我除了在阿富汗，

besides Afghanistan.

還在喀什米爾和緬甸

Our aim was to remove the invaders,

做短暫的攻擊。

to bring relief to the oppressed victims

我們的目標是驅除侵略者，

and of course to establish an Islamic state,

解放受壓迫的人，

a caliphate for God's rule.

當然還有建立伊斯蘭版圖，

And I did this openly.

一個由真主統治的哈里發國。

I didn't break any laws.

我公開地做這些事。

I was proud and grateful to be British --

我沒犯任何一條法律。

I still am.

我以身為英國人為榮──

And I bore no hostility against this, my country,

至今我仍然如此。

nor enmity towards the non-Muslim citizens,

過去我對這裡， 對我的國家沒有敵意，

and I still don't.

對非穆斯林也沒有敵意，

During one battle in Afghanistan,

我現在還是沒有。

some British men and I formed a special bond

在阿富汗的一次打鬥當中，

with a 15-year-old Afghani boy,

我和一些英國人 對一位 15 歲的阿富汗男孩

Abdullah,

產生了特別的連結。

an innocent, loving and lovable kid

他叫阿布杜拉，

who was always eager to please.

是個純真、討喜的孩子，

He was poor.

永遠都是那麼願意提供協助。

And boys like him did menial tasks in the camp.

他很窮。

And he seemed happy enough,

像他一樣的男孩在營區 都負責卑微的工作，

but I couldn't help wonder --

但他看起來心滿意足，

his parents must have missed him dearly.

但我不禁想到

And they must have dreamt about a better future for him.

他的家長一定非常想念他。

A victim of circumstance caught up in a war,

他們也一定曾為他 夢想過更好的未來。

cruelly thrust upon him

這是戰爭下的受害者，

by the cruel circumstances of the time.

殘酷的社會條件

One day I picked up this unexploded mortar shell in a trench,

無情地襲擊至他身上。

and I had it deposited in a makeshift mud hut lab.

一天我在壕溝撿起 一個未爆的迫擊砲彈，

And I went out on a short, pointless skirmish --

並將之放在一個 臨時搭建的土屋實驗室，

always pointless,

然後就出去打一場 毫無意義的小戰鬥──

And I came back a few hours later to discover he was dead.

爭鬥一直以來都毫無意義──

He had tried to recover explosives from that shell.

幾個小時後我回來，男孩已經死了。

It exploded, and he died a violent death,

他試圖取出裡面的炸藥，

blown to bits by the very same device that had proved harmless to me.

然後就被炸死了，

So I started to question.

被我認為無害的那個裝置 炸得灰飛煙滅。

How did his death serve any purpose?

我開始問，

Why did he die and I lived?

他的死有任何意義嗎？

I carried on.

為什麼他死了我卻活了下來？

I fought in Kashmir.

日子繼續下去。

I also recruited for the Philippines,

我在喀什米爾打仗。

Bosnia and Chechnya.

我也為菲律賓、

And the questions grew.

波士尼亞和車臣招募新成員。

Later in Burma,

然而疑問愈來愈多。

I came across Rohingya fighters,

之後在緬甸，

who were barely teenagers,

我遇到羅興亞人戰士，

born and brought up in the jungle,

他們幾乎都是青少年，

carrying machine guns and grenade launchers.

在叢林裡長大成人，

I met two 13-year-olds with soft manners and gentle voices.

他們帶著機槍和手榴彈。

Looking at me,

我遇到兩個 13 歲， 彬彬有禮、口氣平順的孩子。

they begged me to take them away to England.

他們看著我，

They simply wanted to go to school --

求我帶他們去英國。

that was their dream.

他們只是單純地想上學──

My family --

這對他們來說是夢想。

my children of the same age --

我的家人──

were living at home in the UK,

跟他們同齡的小孩──

going to school,

都住在英國，

living a safe life.

正常就學，

And I couldn't help wonder

生活安穩。

how much these young boys must have spoken to one another

我不禁納悶，

about their dreams for such a life.

有多少這樣的男孩，得跟其他人

Victims of circumstances:

表露他們對這種生活的渴望。

these two young boys,

時局下的受害者：

sleeping rough on the ground, looking up at the stars,

這兩個男孩，

cynically exploited by their leaders

躺在粗糙的地上，仰望繁星，

for their personal lust for glory and power.

被他們的領導者肆無忌憚的利用，

I soon witnessed boys like them killing one another

只為了滿足他們 對權力和虛榮的慾望。

in conflicts between rival groups.

我不久就見到這些男孩

And it was the same everywhere ...

因為敵對群體的紛爭自相殘殺。

Afghanistan, Kashmir, Burma,

而且到處都一樣──

Philippines, Chechnya;

阿富汗、喀什米爾、緬甸

petty warlords got the young and vulnerable to kill one another

菲律賓、車臣；

in the name of jihad.

小軍閥讓年輕人和弱勢者

Muslims against Muslims.

以聖戰之名自相殘殺。

Not protecting anyone against invaders or occupiers;

穆斯林對抗穆斯林。

not bringing relief to the oppressed.

既不是對抗入侵者或占領者；

Children being used,

也沒有解救受壓迫的人民。

cynically exploited;

小孩被利用，

people dying in conflicts

肆無忌憚的剝削；

which I was supporting in the name of jihad.

人們死於衝突，

And it still carries on today.

而我以聖戰之名支援這些紛爭。

Realizing that the violent jihad

時至今日這些情況還是存在。

I had engaged in abroad

我驚覺到我在海外

was so different --

所參與的暴力聖戰，

such a chasm between what I had experienced

跟我內心所想的完全不同。

and what I thought was sacred duty --

我所經歷的，和我認為的神聖天職

I had to reflect on my activities here in the UK.

有極大的斷層。

I had to consider my preaching,

我得反思我在英國這裡的行為。

recruiting, fund-raising,

我得承認我的傳教、

training,

招募、集資、

but most importantly, radicalizing --

訓練，

sending young people to fight and die

還有最重要的，激進化──

as I was doing --

也就是送年輕人去戰死

all totally wrong.

這些事──

So I got involved in violent jihad in the mid '80s,

大錯特錯。

starting with Afghanistan.

我在 80 年代中期參與暴力聖戰，

And by the time I finished it was in the year 2000.

從阿富汗發跡，

I was completely immersed in it.

而這一切止於 2000 年。

All around me people supported,

我那時沉浸在聖戰之中。

applauded,

我身邊的人都支持我、

even celebrated what we were doing in their name.

贊同我、

But by the time I learned to get out,

甚至慶祝我們的所作所為。

completely disillusioned in the year 2000,

但當我覺醒時，

15 years had passed.

在 2000 年徹底幻滅時，

So what goes wrong?

已經 15 年過去了。

We were so busy talking about virtue,

哪裡出錯了？

and we were blinded by a cause.

我們忙著談論美德，

And we did not give ourselves a chance to develop a virtuous character.

並被理想所盲目。

We told ourselves we were fighting for the oppressed,

我們並沒有給自己機會 發展美善的性格。

but these were unwinnable wars.

我們告訴自己 這是在為受苦受難的人奮鬥，

We became the very instrument through which more deaths occurred,

但這是場贏不了的戰爭。

complicit in causing further misery

我們成為死神的工具，

for the selfish benefit of the cruel few.

為了少數殘暴者的自私自利，

So over time,

製造更多的悲劇。

a very long time,

時間流逝，

I opened my eyes.

過了好一陣子，

I began to dare

我睜開雙眼，

to face the truth,

我開始有勇氣

to think,

面對真相，

to face the hard questions.

開始思考，

I got in touch with my soul.

開始面對艱難的問題。

What have I learned?

我與我內心的靈魂接觸。

That people who engage in violent jihadism,

那我學到了什麼？

that people who are drawn to these types of extremisms,

參加暴力聖戰的人、

are not that different to everyone else.

墮入極端主義的人，

But I believe such people can change.

其實並沒有與我們相差甚遠。

They can regain their hearts and restore them

我相信那些人是可以改變的。

by filling them with human values that heal.

他們能重拾本心，

When we ignore the realities,

能用療傷止痛的人性價值 填補心中的缺口。

we discover that we accept what we are told without critical reflection.

當我們忽略現實，

And we ignore the gifts and advantages that many of us would cherish

我們會毫無疑問地 接受被告知的東西。

even for a single moment in their lives.

我們也會忽視 眾所珍愛的天賦和優勢，

I engaged in actions I thought were correct.

即便那僅占了生命的一小部分。

But now I began to question how I knew what I knew.

我做了我認為對的事。

I endlessly told others to accept the truth,

但我現在開始質疑 我怎麼知道我知道什麼。

but I failed to give doubt its rightful place.

我無止盡地要眾人接受真理，

This conviction that people can change is rooted in my experience,

但我忘了質疑它的合宜性。

my own journey.

人能改變的信念 根深蒂固在我的經驗中，

Through wide reading,

也在我人生的旅途中。

reflecting,

透過廣泛閱讀、

contemplation, self-knowledge,

反省、

I discovered,

沉思、自我認知，

I realized that Islamists' world of us and them is false and unjust.

我發現，我了解到

Through considering the uncertainties in all that we had asserted,