Today I'm going to share my personal journey

大家好。

with female genital mutilation, FGM.

今天我想分享的親身經歷

Feel free to cry, laugh, cross your legs,

是關於女性外陰殘割（FGM）。

or do anything your body feels like doing.

你們可以隨意哭、笑、翹腳

I'm not going to name the things your body does.

或做一些你覺得舒服的事，

I was born in Sierra Leone.

我不會將你們身體會做的事 一項一項地列出來。

Did anybody watch "Blood Diamond"?

我在獅子山共和國出生。

If you have any thoughts --

有人看過電影《血鑽石》嗎？

I don't have any diamonds on me, by the way.

你要是現在已經萌生一些想法...

If you have heard of Ebola, well, that's in Sierra Leone as well.

我順帶一提，我身上並沒有任何鑽石。

I don't have Ebola. You're all safe.

如果你有聽過伊波拉病毒，

Don't rush to the door.

獅子山也有伊波拉個案。

Be seated. You're fine. I was checked before I got here.

我沒有攜帶伊波拉病毒， 你們都很安全，

My grandfather had three wives.

不要忙著往門那裡跑。

Don't ask me why a man needs more than one wife.

坐下來。你們沒事。 我來之前已經被檢查過了。

Men, do you need more than one wife?

我的祖父有三個妻子。

I don't think so. There you go.

不要問我為甚麼 男人需要超過一個妻子。

He was looking for a heart attack, that's what I say.

男士們，你們需要多於一個妻子嗎？

Oh yeah, he was.

我不這麼認為。

When I was three, war broke out in Sierra Leone in 1991.

就是這樣。

I remember literally going to bed one night, everything was good.

他是在自找心臟病，我是這麼認為的。

The next day, I woke up,

噢，是的，他真的是自找麻煩。

bombs were dropping everywhere,

1991年，在我三歲的時候，

and people were trying to kill me and my family.

獅子山爆發了一場戰爭。

We escaped the war and ended up in Gambia, in West Africa.

我清楚地記得有一晚睡覺時，

Ebola is there as well. Stay away from it.

甚麼事都沒發生。

While we were there as refugees,

翌日，我醒過來的時候，

we didn't know what was going to become of us.

到處都是從天擲下的炸彈，

My mom applied for refugee status.

有些人還試圖殺害我和我的家人。

She's a wonderful, smart woman, that one,

我們逃離戰爭， 抵達西非的甘比亞。

and we were lucky.

那裡也有伊波拉病毒，不要去。

Australia said, we will take you in.

我們在那裡是難民，

Good job, Aussies.

我們不知道甚麼事 會降臨到我們的身上。

Before we were meant to travel,

我媽媽申請了難民身份，

my mom came home one day, and said,

在這件事情上， 她是個了不起又聰明的女人。

"We're going on a little holiday, a little trip."

我們很幸運，

She put us in a car,

澳洲接納了我們。

and we drove for hours and ended up in a bush

多虧你們了，澳洲人。

in a remote area in Gambia.

在我們遠走他鄉之前，

In this bush, we found two huts.

媽媽有一天回到家說：

An old lady came towards us.

「我們去度假，一個小小的旅行。」

She was ethnic-looking, very old.

她把我們帶上車，

She had a chat with my mom, and went back.

我們開了幾小時的車，

Then she came back and walked away from us into a second hut.

到達一個位於甘比亞偏遠地區的灌木林。

I'm standing there thinking,

叢林裡，我們找到了兩間小棚屋。

"This is very confusing. I don't know what's going on."

一個老婦人迎我們而來，

The next thing I knew,

她看來是很民族的感覺，年紀很大。

my mom took me into this hut.

她跟媽媽談了一會就回去了

She took my clothes off,

然後她又走回來，走進第二間小棚屋

and then she pinned me down on the floor.

我站在那兒，不禁想：

I struggled and tried to get her off me, but I couldn't.

「真叫人摸不著頭腦，到底發生甚麼事。」

Then the old lady came towards me with a rusty-looking knife,

接下來我記得

one of the sharp knives,

媽媽會帶我走入這間棚屋

orange-looking, has never seen water or sunlight before.

她把我的衣服脫掉

I thought she was going to slaughter me,

然後把我壓在地上

but she didn't.

我拼命掙扎，想要把她推開， 但都無補於事

She slowly slid down my body

那個老女人走上前，拿著一把生鏽的刀

and ended up where my vagina is.

那種鋒利的、褐鏽色

She took hold of what I now know to be my clitoris,

從不見天日或水的刀

she took that rusty knife, and started cutting away, inch by inch.

我以為她想殺我

I screamed, I cried,

但她沒有

and asked my mom to get off me so this pain will stop,

她的手缓慢地滑過我的身軀

but all she did was say, "Be quiet."

停在了陰道處

This old lady sawed away at my flesh for what felt like forever,

她拿捏住我的下體， 我後來才知道那是陰蒂

and then when she was done,

她用那把生鏽的刀開始一寸一寸地割下

she threw that piece of flesh across the floor

我歇斯底里地哭叫

as if it was the most disgusting thing she's ever touched.

懇求媽媽放我下來，結束這痛苦

They both got off me, and left me there bleeding,

但她卻一直叫我「不要吵」

crying, and confused as to what just happened.

這老女人割下我的肉， 整個過程感覺永遠沒有結束

We never talked about this again.

完事之後

Very soon, we found that we were coming to Australia,

她把那塊肉扔在地上

and this is when you had the Sydney Olympics at the time,

彷彿那是她碰過最噁心的東西

and people said we were going to the end of the world,

她們倆從我身上走開

there was nowhere else to go after Australia.

把我獨自留在那裡淌血、痛哭、茫然。我在想“剛剛發生了什麼”

Yeah, that comforted us a bit.

從此我們再沒有提過這件事

It took us three days to get here.

不久，我們就起行到澳洲

We went to Senegal, then France, and then Singapore.

那時候正在舉辦雪梨奧運會

We went to the bathroom to wash our hands.

人們說我們將要去世界的盡頭

We spent 15 minutes opening the tap like this.

澳洲再往外，就沒有任何東西了

Then somebody came in,

是的，這的確讓我們感到些許寬慰（反話）

slid their hand under and water came out,

我們花了三天才來到這裡

and we thought, is this what we're in for?

我們途經塞内加爾、法國、 然後到新加坡

Like, seriously.

我们去洗手間洗手

We got to Adelaide, small place,

花了十五分鐘都無法把水龍頭弄開

where literally they dumped us in Adelaide, that's what I would say.

之後有人進來

They dumped us there.

把手放到了（水龍頭）下面，水就出來了

We were very grateful.

我们當時在想， 這是我们將要生活的地方嗎？

We settled and we liked it.

真的，不可思議

We were like, "We're home, we're here."

我們到達了阿德萊德，小地方

Then somebody took us to Rundle Mall.

他們就把我們扔在了阿德萊德， 真的可以說是，

Adelaide has only one mall.

把我們“扔”在了那裡。

It's this small place.

我們仍然很感激。

And we saw a lot of Asian people.

我們安置了下來，並且喜歡那裡。

My mom said all of a sudden, panicking,

對我們來說是，“我們到家了，就在這裡”

"You brought us to the wrong place. You must take us back to Australia."

然後有人帶我們去朗德爾購物中心。

Yeah. It had to be explained to her that there were a lot of Asians in Australia

阿德萊德只有一個購物中心。

and we were in the right place.

就是這麼小的地方。

So fine, it's all good.

我們看到很多亞洲人。

My mom then had this brilliant idea

我媽突然很慌張地說，

that I should go to a girls school because they were less racist.

“你把我們帶到錯的地方了。 你必須帶我們回澳大利亞。”

I don't know where she read that publication. (Laughter)

對啊，我們還得向她解釋 在澳大利亞有很多亞洲人

Never found evidence of it to this day.

我們在對的地方。

Six hundred white kids, and I was the only black child there.

好吧，所有事情都到位了。

No, I was the only person with a bit of a color on me.

我媽然後有了這個很不錯的主意

Let me say that. Chocolate color.

我必須去女子學校， 因為他們會比較沒有種族主義。

There were no Asians, no indigenous.

我不知道她在哪裡讀到這個刊物。（笑）

All we had was some tan girls,

至今從來沒有發現這個刊物的痕跡

girls who felt the need to be under the sun.

600個白人小朋友，而我是唯一的黑人小朋友。

It wasn't the same as my chocolate, though. Not the same.

不對，我是唯一的皮膚有顏色的小朋友。

Settling in Australia was quite hard,

讓我說吧，巧克力的顏色。

but it became harder when I started volunteering for an organization

沒有亞洲人，沒有原著民。

called Women's Health Statewide,

我們有的就是幾個曬得比較黑的女孩子，

and I joined their female genital mutilation program

這些女孩子覺得必須要曬太陽。

without any awareness of what this program was actually about,

不過（她們的顏色）和我的巧克力色不同， 不是一樣的。

or that it related to me in any way.

在澳大利亞安家（對我來說）並不容易，

I spent months educating nurses and doctors

而在我開始在某個組織當志工後，就更加困難了

about what female genital mutilation was

這個組織叫做“全洲婦女健康“

and where it was practiced:

我參加了他們的”女性外陰殘割“的計劃

Africa, the Middle East, Asia, and now, Australia and London and America,

完全不知道這個計劃是做什麼的，

because, as we all know, we live in a multicultural society,

也不知這個就和我自己有關。

and people who come from those backgrounds come with their culture,

我花數月的時間教育護士和醫生

and sometimes they have cultural practices that we may not agree with,

有關什麼是“女性外陰殘割”

but they continue to practice them.

以及在哪裡有這樣的情況：

One day, I was looking at the chart

如非洲，中東，亞洲， 而現在，在澳大利亞，倫敦和美國。

of the different types of female genital mutilation,

因為，如我們所知， 我們生活在一個多元文化的社會，

FGM, I will just say FGM for short.

而從這些文化背景來的人們也帶來了他們的文化，

Type I is when they cut off the hood.

有時候，他們有一些文化的做法， 並不是我們所認同的，

Type II is when they cut off the whole clitoris

但是他們會繼續實行。

and some of your labia majora, or your outer lips,

有一天，我正在看一個不同

and Type III is when they cut off the whole clitoris

女性外陰殘割類型的表格，

and then they sew you up

FGM，我就簡稱女性外陰殘割為FGM好了

so you only have a little hole to pee and have your period.

類型一是把（陰蒂上方）的皮割掉

My eyes went onto Type II.

類型二是把整個陰蒂割掉

Before all of this, I pretty much had amnesia.

以及部分的外陰唇，

I was in so much shock and traumatized by what had happened,

類別三是把整個陰蒂割掉

I didn't remember any of it.

然後把那裡縫起來

Yes, I was aware something bad happened to me,

僅剩一個小出口尿尿和來月經。

but I had no recollection of what had happened.

我的眼睛看著類型二。

I knew I had a scar down there,

在此之前，我幾乎患了失憶症。

but I thought everybody had a scar down there.

當時我非常震驚並且精神上受到了創傷

This had happened to everybody else.

我居然完全不記得。

But when I looked at Type II, it all came back to me.

我確實是意識到不好的事情發生了，

I remembered what was done to me.

當我並沒有去回憶發生了什麼。

I remembered being in that hut

我知道我的下面有個傷疤，

with that old lady and my mom holding me down.

當我以為每一個人下面都有個傷疤。

Words cannot express the pain I felt,

每個人都經歷過這個。

the confusion that I felt,

但當我看著類型二的時候，所有的記憶都回來了。

because now I realized that what was done to me was a terrible thing

我想起了她們對我做了什麼。

that in this society was called barbaric,

我想起了在那個棚屋裡

it was called mutilation.

那個老婦人和我母親把我按住。

My mother had said it was called circumcision,

言語無法表達我所感到的疼痛，

but here it was mutilation.

我所感到的困惑，

I was thinking, I'm mutilated? I'm a mutilated person.

因為我意識到了 她們對我所做的事情，是一件可怕的事情

Oh my God.

在這個社會被稱為野蠻的事情，

And then the anger came.

它叫做女性外陰殘割。

I was a black angry woman. (Laughter)

我的母親曾說這叫做割禮，

Oh yeah.

但在這裡這是殘割。

A little one, but angry nevertheless.

我在想，我被殘割了？我是一個殘缺的人。

I went home and said to my mom,

我的天啊。

"You did something."

接著，憤怒就來了。

This is not the African thing to do, pointing at your mother,

我是一個憤怒的女黑人。（笑）

but hey, I was ready for any consequences.

嗯，是的。

"You did something to me."

小女生，但是仍然憤怒。

She's like, "What are you talking about, Khadija?"

我回家跟母親說，

She's used to me mouthing off.

“你對我做了不好的事”。

I'm like, "Those years ago, You circumcised me.

這不是非洲文化會做的事情，指著你的母親，

You cut away something that belonged to me."

可是，我當時可接受任何後果。

She said, "Yes, I did.

“你對我做了不好的事情。”

I did it for your own good.

她說，“Khadija，你在說什麼？”

It was in your best interest.

她習慣了我發牢騷

Your grandmother did it to me, and I did it to you.

我說，“幾年前，你對我做了割禮。

It's made you a woman."

你把屬於我的東西割掉了。”

I'm like, "How?"

她說，“是的。

She said, "You're empowered, Khadija.

我做是為了你好。

Do you get itchy down there?"

這是為你著想。

I'm like, "No, why would I get itchy down there?"

你外婆對我做了，我對你做了。

She said, "Well, if you were not circumcised,

這讓你成為一個女人。”

you would get itchy down there.

我說，“怎麼會？”

Women who are not circumcised get itchy all the time.

她說，“你被賦予了力量，Khadija.

Then they sleep around with everybody.

你下面會覺得癢嗎？”

You are not going to sleep around with anybody."

我說，“不會，為什麼我會覺得癢？”

And I thought,

她說，“看，如果你沒被行割禮，

her definition of empowerment was very strange. (Laughter)

你下面就會覺得癢。

That was the end of our first conversation.

沒有行割禮的女人下面總是癢的。

I went back to school.

而且她們會和每個人上床。

These were the days when we had Dolly and Girlfriend magazines.

你不會隨便和任何人上床。”

There was always the sealed section. Anybody remember those sealed sections?

我想，

The naughty bits, you know?

她對“賦予力量”的定義還真是奇怪。（笑）

Oh yeah, I love those. (Laughter)

我們的第一次談話就這樣結束了。

Anyway, there was always an article about pleasure

我回到學校

and relationships and, of course, sex.

那個年代我們有雜誌“Dolly 和女友"

But it always assumed that you had a clitoris, though,

雜誌裡總有一個部分是封起來的。 誰記得這些封起來的部分？

and I thought, this doesn't fit me.

不雅的內容，你知道的

This doesn't talk about people like me.

對啊，我愛這部分。（笑）

I don't have a clitoris.

總是會有一篇文章關於快感

I watched TV and those women would moan like, "Oh! Oh!"

男女關係，當然，還有性。

I was like, these people and their damned clitoris.

但是這類文章總是基於你有陰蒂

(Laughter)

我當時想，這不合適我。

What is a woman without a clitoris supposed to do with her life?

這不是在講我這樣的人。

That's what I want to know.

我沒有陰蒂。

I want to do that too -- "Oh! Oh!" and all of that.

我看電視，上面那些女人如此呻吟 ”噢！噢！“

Didn't happen.

我想，這些該死的有陰蒂的人。

So I came home once again and said to my mom,

（笑）

"Dolly and Girlfriend said I deserve pleasure,

沒有陰蒂的女人要如何生活？

that I should be having orgasms,

我想要知道。

and that white men should figure out how to find the clitoris."

我也想要那樣呻吟-- ”噢！噢！“這些

Apparently, white men have a problem finding the clitoris.

沒發生過。

(Laughter)

所以我再回家跟母親說，

Just saying, it wasn't me. It was Dolly that said that.

”Dolly和女友“說， 我應該得到快感，

And I thought to myself, I had an inner joke in my head

我應該要有性高潮，

that said, "I will marry a white man.

而白種男人應該弄清楚要怎麼找到陰蒂。”

He won't have that problem with me." (Laughter)

顯然，白種男人常常找不到陰蒂。

So I said to my mom,

（笑）

"Dolly and Girlfriend said I deserve pleasure, and do you know

聲明一下，不是我說的。 是Dolly說的。

what you have taken away from me, what you have denied me?

我當時心裡有個笑話，

You have invaded me in the most sacred way.

“我會嫁個一個白人。

I want pleasure.

他跟我就沒這個問題。” (笑）

I want to get horny, dammit, as well."

我對母親說，

And she said to me, "Who is Dolly and Girlfriend?

“Dolly和女友“說， 我應該有快感，

Are they your new friends, Khadija?"

你知道你剝奪了我的什麼嗎？ 你否定了我的什麼權利嗎？

I was like, "No, they're not. That's a magazine, mom, a magazine."

你在最神聖的方面侵略了我。

She didn't get it.

我想要快感。

We came from two different worlds.

我也想要性慾繚繞，該死的。”

When she was growing up, not having a clitoris was the norm.

然後她說， “誰是Dolly和女友？”

It was celebrated.

她們是你的新朋友嗎，Khadija？“

I was an African Australian girl.

我說，”不，不是。 那是本雜誌，媽，雜誌。“

I lived in a society that was very clitoris-centric.

她不懂了。

It was all about the damn clitoris!

我們來自兩個不同的世界。

And I didn't have one!

她長大的時候， 沒有陰蒂是正常的事情。

That pissed me off.

人們慶祝它。

So once I went through this strange phase of anger

我是一個非裔澳大利亞女孩。

and pain and confusion,

我生活在一個以陰蒂為中心的社會。

I remember booking an appointment with my therapist.

所有事情都和這該死的陰蒂有關！

Yes, I'm an African who has a therapist. There you go.

而我卻沒有！