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  • You may have heard that our company

  • has been accused of unethical business practices.

  • Is it because of the falsified product-safety tests?

  • Is it because of the false stories planted in the media

  • about our competitors?

  • Is it because of our crime family connections?

  • What? Are you saying those things are unethical too?

  • Good God! This thing is just snowballing.

  • Now, where was I?

  • Seven years ago...

  • During the summer...

  • Aw, the heck with it.

  • Senior management has decided to confront this head-on

  • and deal with the ethics problem directly.

  • They're surrendering to the authorities?

  • One might think that, but one would be wrong.

  • No. They're sending all employees

  • to mandatory ethics training classes.

  • Including managers such as yourself, correct?

  • [CHUCKLING] No... Asok.

  • That wouldn't be very managerial, would it?

  • DILBERT: Correct me if I'm wrong,

  • but hasn't every ethics violation in this company

  • been perpetrated by managers?

  • Yes, but the point is, managers are far too important

  • to waste their valuable time taking worthless classes.

  • That's what subordinates are for.

  • That and dating.

  • Please don't date me!

  • I promise I'll work harder!

  • Your new masseuse is here.

  • She wants to know how you'll be paying.

  • Paying? Did you explain to her

  • that she gets to touch my naked back?

  • For some reason, that wasn't enough.

  • Who needs her?

  • Tell her to put an egg in her shoe and beat it,

  • if you don't mind.

  • Not at all.

  • And the following mumbling is not necessarily about you.

  • [MUMBLING] Ignorant, pompous horse's ass.

  • Must be problems at home.

  • Are we done here?

  • I think we're done.

  • Hmm. I wonder what made them so hurried all of a sudden.

  • [GROANING] Asok...

  • Meet me in my office...

  • and bring fresh towels.

  • Oh... oh, my...

  • This is so not in my job description.

  • I don't think I can possibly...

  • Stop whining and start slathering.

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [CHANTING]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • Okay, let's go around the room,

  • and each of you can explain

  • what you hope to get out of this class.

  • We'll start with you...

  • "I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally."

  • Is that your real name?

  • It's Egyptian.

  • Okay. So, what do you want to get from this class,

  • I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally?

  • I already got it. Thanks.

  • My personal goal for ethics training

  • is to learn the cultural underpinnings of morality

  • with special emphasis on pragmatism versus divine will.

  • How about if I teach you not to steal?

  • That would be good too.

  • Loud Howard...

  • If a co-worker confided something very personal to you,

  • could you keep it quiet?

  • Yes!

  • This class is pointless.

  • We're not the ones with the ethics problems.

  • Speak for yourself.

  • We're engineers.

  • We have integrity, and that's not for sale.

  • But it is for rent.

  • Excuse me,

  • I'm-Hot-for-You-Wally.

  • Consider yourself excused.

  • BOSS: There sure is a lot of weather today

  • all up there in the sky.

  • [CHUCKLING] [CHUCKLING]

  • Yeah, it was a lot like that yesterday.

  • Oh, he's right. What's up with that weather?

  • Every day there.

  • Did anyone watch a sports event this weekend?

  • Oh, I'll say. Sports-- wouldn't miss sports.

  • Not a Sunday without it.

  • Who was playing?

  • That's not important.

  • It only matters

  • that the participants supported each other as a team.

  • You men aren't at all what I expected.

  • I feel like the glass ceiling for women executives like me

  • is finally broken.

  • I mean, here I am,

  • networking with other executives on the golf course,

  • privy to all your private conversations.

  • Uh, we're all about nurturing.

  • And diversity.

  • There goes your ball.

  • It keeps doing that.

  • Watch out for the turtles. They're poisonous.

  • Did we decide whose company

  • wins the government bid this time?

  • My company got the flying submarine deal.

  • I believe your company wins the next bid, Edmund.

  • WOMAN: Ow!

  • No, no, we won the bid

  • for the invisible troop carriers.

  • Well, then who's going to bid

  • for the national Internet voting network contract?

  • For the good of the oligarchy, we will.

  • Good man. Good man.

  • WOMAN: Ow!

  • Is it the high bid or the low bid that wins?

  • That part makes my head spin.

  • What were you talking about?

  • What did I miss?

  • Does anyone else think taxes are too darn high?

  • Yes. Bring them down. Whoa-ho...

  • BOSS: Don't you know it.

  • I'm pleased to announce that we have won the bid

  • to build the government's next super-project:

  • the Internet voting network.

  • I thought the bids were being submitted tomorrow.

  • Yes, but none of our conference rooms

  • are available tomorrow,

  • so I'm telling you the results today.

  • What's the Internet voting network?

  • It's a concept for letting people vote over the Internet

  • in national elections.

  • Dilbert, you seem to know the most

  • about the Internet voting network,

  • so you're the project leader.

  • What? That's ALL I know,

  • and now that I said it,

  • everyone in this room knows as much as I do.

  • I tuned you out right after the part

  • where you started talking.

  • What's the Internet voting network?

  • This might sound crazy, but after careful consideration,

  • I'm actually happy for a change

  • to be assigned a project against my will.

  • The Internet voting network

  • will double voter participation.

  • I'm going to make democracy work.

  • It's an awesome responsibility.

  • Let me know when you get it working.

  • I always wondered what it would be like to vote.

  • You mean you've never voted?

  • It's too much of a hassle.

  • But IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE...

  • Look! You're encouraging morons to vote.

  • That can't possibly be good.

  • You can't use Wally

  • as a typical example of humanity.

  • I'm special.

  • Take Loud Howard.

  • He's more typical of the average voter.

  • Yes! I always vote for the tallest guy!

  • The tall ones are better!

  • Dilbert, do you realize

  • that you could build a back door into the system

  • and manipulate the voting results

  • for your own evil purposes without ever being detected?

  • Wow, you could make a fortune from special interest groups.

  • Did you learn nothing in ethics class?

  • I tried, but you covered your test with your hand.

  • One COULD make a fortune from special interest groups,

  • but it would be unethical, and more importantly,

  • it would destroy the integrity of our democratic system.

  • I would never sell out my country for money.

  • Besides, I have all the money I need.

  • MAN: $900,000...

  • A million.

  • Next.

  • It's a public school class!

  • As you can see, class, Congress is in session.

  • And furthermore, television violence is bad...

  • Where's the gift shop?

  • They got a bathroom in here?

  • Can I use my cell phone?

  • I just got paged.

  • Shut up!

  • You kids are the leaders of tomorrow, right?

  • Uh-huh. Yes, sir.

  • Here's a little something

  • to remind you who your friends are.

  • [GASPS]

  • Oh...

  • This is private enemy number one.

  • He goes by the name Dilbert.

  • He's in charge of building the Internet voting network.

  • We have learned he is immune to monetary inducements.

  • [ALL GASPING]

  • His Internet voting network

  • is a threat to all our special interests.

  • We must find a way to influence him without money.

  • Without money?

  • What else is there?

  • Use your creativity.

  • There must be some other way to get him in our pocket.

  • I have an idea.

  • No, wait. You said no money.

  • BOSS: Keep it coming, keep it coming.

  • Give me some more of that mean green.

  • You just say the word,

  • and I'll assassinate anyone you want.

  • You clearly have no scruples.

  • You golden-tongued sweet talker.

  • You're making me blush.

  • But your employee Dilbert seems immune to our inducements.

  • He must have a weakness. Everyone does.

  • He does have ONE weakness,

  • if you know what I mean, wink, wink.

  • Ah. Yes.

  • The one thing.

  • Thank you.

  • I hope he was thinking "free T-shirt" too.

  • [GASPS]

  • Fire! Fire!

  • Hurry, there's a fire upstairs.

  • Something's smoking, but it's not a fire.

  • [CHUCKLING]

  • You have a visitor upstairs in the smoking lounge.

  • We don't have a smoking lounge.

  • We do now.

  • Hey, where did all this new furniture come from?

  • And that TV?

  • We accepted them as gifts on your behalf.

  • You shouldn't have accepted these gifts.

  • They're from lobbyists trying to corrupt me.

  • How are they doing?

  • Not very well.

  • Amateurs.

  • [music]

  • Hi, handsome.

  • My name's Ashley.

  • This is a smoke-free house.

  • Maybe you'd like to take me someplace that isn't.

  • I'd better not.

  • I just had my car cleaned.

  • I've been authorized to do whatever it takes

  • to make you a friend of tobacco.

  • Whatever it takes?

  • Anything.

  • Well...

  • Okay.

  • I'd like you to quit smoking.

  • What?

  • It's for your own good.

  • I can't do that.

  • I'm addicted.

  • You-- It's an illness.

  • You can't just quit like that.

  • You said anything.

  • You don't understand.

  • I need to do this right away or I'll get fired.

  • I mean, because I'm all fired up.

  • When