No.

沒有

I mean, I don't know how to date.

我意思是，我不知道怎麼跟人約會

You don't know how to date?

妳不懂怎麼約會？

How old are you?

妳幾歲了？

23.

23 歲

23.

23 歲

I'm almost 24, though, guys.

不過我快 24 歲了，大家

OK, almost 24 —

好，快 24 歲

23 and 3/4.

23 又 3/4 歲

OK, and you haven't really dated yet?

好，但妳還沒跟人約會過？

Well, that makes me sound... that makes me sound like

嗯，那聽起來好像是說我... 好像是說我

I've never...

從沒有...

Well, have you?

那妳有嗎？

I don't date.

我不約會

OK.

好

I'm not into the whole, let's go out for dinner.

我沒有很喜歡整個過程，「我們一起去吃個晚餐吧。」這類的

Yeah, so...

對，所以...

See, I don't even know how to talk about it.

看吧，我甚至不知道怎麼聊這個話題

Yeah, well... but what if somebody said,

嗯，好，但如果有人說

let's go out to dinner.

我們一起去吃個晚餐吧

I wouldn't know what to do.

我會不知道怎麼辦

You'd say "yes" or "no" is what you do.

妳只要說「好」或「不好」就好

Ask me out on a date.

來約我

No, I'm married.

不要，我結婚了

I'm not going to ask you...

我不會問妳要不要...

[LAUGHTER]

(大笑)

No, I know.

不，我知道

But it's not real.

但這不是真的要約會

It's not real.

這不是真的

I won't.

我不要

OK, I'll ask.

好，我來問

This is how uncomfortable I would make someone.

妳就會知道我會讓別人多不舒服

All right, I'll do it.

好吧，我來問

Hey, do you want to have dinner sometime?

嘿，妳想要找個時間跟我去吃個晚餐嗎？

No, you're married, Ellen.

不要，妳結婚了，Ellen

You set that up.

妳早就設好局了

I'm going to tell Portia.

我要跟 Portia 講

All right, all right.

好吧，好吧

So let's find you someone.

所以，我們來幫妳找個對象吧

Great.

好啊

Because at some point, you're going to have to date.

因為到某個時間點，妳還是需要去約會

You're beautiful, and you're funny, and you're smart,

妳很漂亮、很風趣，而且很聰明

and you're...

還有妳...

Are you asking me on a date right now?

妳現在是在約我嗎？

I am married.

我已經結婚了

Now stop it.

別再說了

OK.

好

So we're going to find you somebody,

所以我們要來幫妳找對象

because you have to at least know what your type is.

因為妳至少要知道誰是妳的菜

Or at least, I have to know so I can help you.

或是至少我要知道，才能幫妳

So let's play Who'd You Rather?

所以我們來玩「速配二選一」

And we're going to put up two faces.

我們會放上兩張照片

And you're going to pick, OK?

然後妳要選一個，好嗎？

Yeah.

好

And you have to be honest.

然後妳要誠實地選

Will I look here or here?

我要看前面還後面？

No, here.

不，看前面

You can look straight ahead.

妳可以看前面就好

So let's put up the first two, and you're going to honestly say.

現在放上第一對照片，然後妳要老實的說

Timothee or Colin?

Timothee 還是 Colin？

I know both of those people.

這兩個我都認識

They're both friends.

他們都是我的朋友

It doesn't matter if you know them.

不管妳認不認識都沒差

Play the game.

就選一個

[LAUGHTER]

(大笑)

Colin's way older than Timmy.

Colin 的年紀比 Timmy 大

Yes, he is.

對，他是

Colin's way old... so Timmy.

Colin 的年紀大一點... 所以 Timmy

So Timmy, all right.

所以妳選 Timmy，好

Timmy or Harry?

Timmy 還是 Harry？

Oh, that's tough.

噢，很難選

I know.

我知道

That is tough.

這很難選

It's a fun game.

這是個有趣的遊戲

Harry's very good in Dunkirk, I have to say.

我必須說他在《敦克爾克大行動》裡演的很好

Yeah, he's very talented.

對，他很有天份

See, I don't know Harry Styles.

看吧，我不認識 Harry Styles

I don't know what he's like.

我不知道他是怎麼樣的人

Well, he's... let me tell you what...

嗯，他... 我來跟你介紹

You like him, don't you?

妳喜歡他，是嗎？

I like him and I know him.

我喜歡他，我也認識他

And he's very funny and very smart as well.

他很有趣，也很聰明

Let me stick with Timmy, because even if it's just

我還是選 Timmy 吧，因為就算只是

a platonic relationship, I think we can have

柏拉圖式的關係，我覺得我們可以

a nice companionship together.

有個很棒的友誼

[LAUGHTER]

(大笑)

You know what I mean?

妳懂我的意思？

Like, we're very compatible as companions.

就像，我們很適合當朋友

And I don't know... and Harry's on the road a lot, and...

然後，我也不知道... Harry 常常要巡演，然後...

[LAUGHTER]

(大笑)

you know, it's very stressful being with someone on tour.

妳知道，跟一個常常到處巡迴的人在一起壓力很大

You're so bad at this game.

妳真的很不會玩這個遊戲

OK, really, you're not going to ever date.

好，我說真的，妳永遠別想跟人約會了

Let's see, Timothee

接下來，Timothee

They're basically all...

基本上他們都...

or Jamie?

還是 Jamie？

Again, I don't know.

又來了，我不知道

I know that you're all like, oh, you've got to pick Jamie.

我知道你們都覺得，噢，妳要選 Jamie

Well, they're into Jamie.

嗯，他們都喜歡 Jamie

Jamie's married.

Jamie 已經結婚了

Yes, he is.

對，他結婚了

This is a pretend game.

這只是個假設的遊戲

It's not really going to happen.

這不會真的發生

Do you want me to pick Jamie just so we change Timmy's?

你們想要我選 Jamie，如此一來就能換掉 Timmy 嗎？

Let's do that.

就這麼辦

Let's pick Jamie, yeah.

我選 Jamie，對

OK, Jamie or Ed Sheeran?

OK，Jamie 還是 Ed Sheeran？

See what happens?

看到發生什麼事了嗎？

Ed, again, is a pal.

Ed，再說一次，他就是個好朋友

Yeah, and isn't he great?

對，他也很棒不是嗎？

And he got... he's great, but he's got...

他有...他很棒，但他有...

And he's got a girlfriend.

他有女朋友了

Yeah, he's wonderful.

對，他很棒

So I'm going to...

所以我要...

Yeah.

對

Let's go to Ed.

留下 Ed

OK, we're going with Ed.

好，我們留下 Ed 吧

All right, let's go to Ed.

好，就選 Ed

Daniel Radcliffe.

Daniel Radcliffe

Oh, well, this is different now.

噢，很好，這又不一樣了

Oh.

喔

Well, because when I was young, I grew up with Harry Potter,

對，因為我小的時候，是看《哈利波特》長大的

and so...

所以...

So him.

所以要選他

Daniel... Harry Potter was who I thought I'd end up with.

Daniel... 我想最後我會選 Harry Potter

OK, so we'll go to Daniel.

好，所以我們要選 Daniel

Harry Potter specifically, not Daniel Radcliffe.

具體來說是 Harry Potter，不是 Daniel Radcliffe

Oh.

噢

You would pick Harry?

妳要選 Harry Potter？

I've had a... yeah, I would pick Harry Potter

我有過一... 對，我要選 Harry Potter

over Daniel Radcliffe.

勝過 Daniel Radcliffe

He'd have to stay in character the whole time.

他必須一直在角色裡

Yeah.

對

OK.

好

Maybe he does.

或許他一直在角色裡

We don't know him.

我們跟他不熟

All right, so Daniel or Kendrick Lamar?

好，所以 Daniel 還是 Kendrick Lamar？

Oh, I love Kendrick.

喔，我喜歡 Kendrick

All right, Kendrick?

好，Kendrick？

I love Kendrick.

我喜歡 Kendrick

OK, Kendrick Lamar or Drake?

好，Kendrick Lamar 還是 Drake

Drake.

Drake

Drake.

Drake

Now look.

看下一個

Oh, that's Zack from Saved by the Bell.

噢，那是《救命下課鈴》的 Zack

Yeah.

對

Zack!

Zack！

You're going to go to Zack from Drake?

妳要去掉 Drake？

Yeah, yeah.

對，對

Wow, OK.

喔，好

Orlando Bloom.

Orlando Bloom

I think you're going to stay with...

我想妳會繼續選擇...

Zack.

Zack

I'm calling him Zack.

我叫他 Zack

I know, it's... there's Zack or Zac.

我知道... 現在要選 Zack 還是 Zac

Which Zack now?

哪一個 Zac(k)？

I reckon Zac Efron would be fun on a night out.

我猜想晚上跟 Zac Efron 出去玩會比較有趣

And he can sing and dance and stuff.

他可以唱歌、跳舞之類的

So I think, again, he would be a fun companion to have.

所以我覺得，再說一次，他會是個很有趣的朋友

Right.

對

So Zac Efron.

所以要選 Zac Efron

So you really, really think these things through.

所以妳真的很認真地在思考這些事

OK, so Zac or Jake Gyllenhaal?

好，下一個是 Zac 還是 Jake Gyllenhaal？

Jake Gyllenhaal.

Jake Gyllenhaal

We'll go with Jake Gyllenhaal.

我們要留下 Jake Gyllenhaal

Wow, that was quick.

哇，這次選很快

You just said how...

妳剛剛才說...

Well, cause we could quick and mix it up a bit.

因為我們可以進行快一點

You said how fun Zac...

妳剛說 Zac 有多有趣...

This game has gone on for so long.

這遊戲已經玩太久了

Well, we're not bored yet.

嗯，但我們還沒感到無聊

OK, so Jake or Chris Martin?

好，Jake 還是 Chris Martin？

Chris Martin.

Chris Martin

Chris Martin is a wonderful performer.

Chris Martin 是個很棒的表演者

Yes.

對

And he's a great performer.

他是個很棒的表演者

I think him and the band work very well together.

我覺得他跟酷玩樂團合作無間

He'd write a song about me.

他可以寫一首跟我有關的歌

Yeah.

對

If things went well, I like the idea

如果一切順利，我喜歡這個主意

that he'd write a song, so Chris, probably.

他可以寫一首跟我有關的歌，所以我選 Chris，或許吧

OK.

好

Christopher.

Christopher

I feel like I'm talking to a 70-year-old woman.

我覺得我好像在跟 70 歲的女人講話

I feel like...

我覺得...

I'm literally... I say all the time I'm like a 45-year-old...

真的不誇張，我總是說我像個 45 歲的人

You are.

妳是

I almost said 45, but...

我幾乎要說是 45歲，但...

Yeah, you went up.

對，但妳又提高年齡了

I went up from there.

我從 45 歲提高到 70 歲

Chris or Chance?

Chris 還是 Chance？

(SINGING) All night.

(唱歌) ♪ All night ♪

I've been drinking all night.

♪ I've been drinking all night. ♪

I've been drinking.

♪ I've been drinking. ♪

Probably... just because I love that song.

或許是 Chance，因為我喜歡這首歌

Yeah.

對

All right, Chance or Bruno?

好，Chance 還是 Bruno？

Bruno, definitely.

肯定是 Bruno

All right.

好

Just that fast, Bruno.

非常快，Bruno

There's a few that are instant for me, for sure.

很肯定的，對我來說有一些人選直覺就會選他

Yeah, I understand.

對，我懂

Bruno or...

Bruno 或是

Like a gut reaction.

就像本能反應

Oh, it's...

噢，這是...

Oh, I ended with Bruno?

噢，最後結果是 Bruno？

It was like that.

好像是這樣

[APPLAUSE]

(鼓掌)

That was a long game.

這遊戲玩真久

All right.

對

That was very long.

真的很久

All right, Bruno, come on out.

好，Bruno，出來吧

No, but what if we had him ready?

沒有，但如果我們有邀請他來呢？

That would...

那會...

Imagine if you had all of them backstage.

想像如果妳把他們全部請到後台

Yeah, and they were waiting to see.

對，然後他們在那等著

Just waiting to see who got picked.

等著看誰會被選上

Yep, just lined up.

對，就排成一列

We have a camera just panning.

我們有一台攝影機拍著每個人

That'd be so awful.

那真的很可怕

Yeah.

對

No, he's not here, but he will be.

沒有，他沒在這裡，但他有一天會來

I'm going to... but he's got a girlfriend also.

我會跟他說... 但他也有女朋友了

Again, companionship is fine.

再說一次，當朋友很好

Even just a friendship I'm fine with.

即使只是朋友關係我也很開心

Even if we just like email, we have a correspondence.

即使我們只是寫個 email，當個筆友交流

OK, well, we'll get that happening.

好，我們會讓這件事發生

They're all aw'ing me.

他們都在對我說，「噢~」

I know.

我知道

They're like taking pity on me in the audience.

那些觀眾就像在可憐我一樣

[LAUGHTER]

(大笑)

They're not taking pity.

他們不是在可憐妳

They don't understand you.

他們不懂妳

The "aw" was, aw, who is she?

他們發出「噢」，意思是「噢，她到底是什麼樣的人？」

What is going on in her head?

她腦子燒壞了嗎？

What decade does she live in?

她到底是幾歲的人啊？

Lady Bird is a fantastic movie.

《淑女鳥》是部很棒的電影

You should go see it.

你們應該去看看

It's in theaters now.

現在已經上映了