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  • Hmm... hmm.

  • Huh. According to my perpetual calendar program

  • June 30 in the year 2014 will be a Thursday.

  • Did you know that?

  • If I say yes, will you not talk?

  • No. This is kind of interesting.

  • Guess what day of the week

  • is the first day of the year 2222.

  • Two-sday?

  • No, but that would've been good, too.

  • More importantly, which is better, Paris or Rome?

  • Better?

  • Paris.

  • Which is better, Prague or Budapest?

  • Why does it matter which is better?

  • Prague.

  • Which is better...

  • What're you doing?

  • I have to RSVP to my millennium parties.

  • Millennium parties?

  • Yes.

  • Which is better, Hong Kong or Singapore?

  • Wait a minute.

  • Maybe my invitations have been lost in the mail.

  • Oh, who cares?

  • I never liked New Year's Eve anyway

  • And this one's no different.

  • Except that everyone on earth will be

  • celebrating the end of the millennium.

  • Well... everyone except you.

  • I don't care!

  • I will not be pressured into having fun

  • just because we arbitrarily use a base ten counting system

  • and a big round number is coming up.

  • If I'm going to have fun, I want a good reason.

  • Well said... so, which is better

  • Lisbon or Istanbul?

  • Oh, come on. I can't be the only person

  • Not getting invitations to millennium parties.

  • RATBERT: Which is better

  • Tokyo or Munich?

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • Do you guys have any party plans

  • for New Years Eve, 1999?

  • Oh, yeah, of course.

  • Only a total loser would have no plans

  • for the biggest night ever in our lifetime.

  • What are you doing, Dilbert?

  • Me?

  • I, uh...

  • I got plans.

  • I'm planning to link up

  • with my survivalist militia group

  • and loot a National Guard ammunitions dump.

  • Do you know something I don't?

  • Hello? The millennium bug?

  • When the date hits 2000, all computers will malfunction

  • and the world will plunge into chaos.

  • I don't want to be outgunned.

  • We won't a have a year 2000 problem

  • in this company.

  • All of our computers are new.

  • Not all. You're forgetting Black Betty.

  • Black Betty. That mainframe was replaced years ago.

  • Black Betty.

  • Did you say Black Betty?

  • Boy...I haven't thought about old Black Betty in ages--

  • Maybe never.

  • But she's real.

  • As real as the dwarf

  • who sneaks into my bedroom at night

  • and steals my underwear.

  • About that mainframe...

  • Not now. I'm reminiscing.

  • Where was I?

  • Black Betty.

  • Yes, Black Betty the mainframe.

  • Boy, oh, boy.

  • We thought about replacing her years ago

  • but then we thought

  • "Well, why not just cobble our new systems

  • "to the old one with untold miles of spaghetti code

  • and obsolete coax cable?"

  • Why'd you do that?!

  • It was an executive decision.

  • We figured it would save money in the short run

  • and only later plunge the company into darkness

  • after we executives had all left for other companies.

  • But you're still here.

  • Brinksmanship-- I live for it.

  • You know how sometimes you're driving down the freeway

  • and you pull into the oncoming lane intentionally

  • only to swerve away at the last minute?

  • That was you? You ran me off the road.

  • Stared destiny right in the face.

  • You could've killed me.

  • Sorry.

  • Anyway, which is better, Jakarta or Geneva?

  • We have to do something about the millennium bug.

  • The millennium bug?

  • Are you telling me that Han Solo's ship is here?

  • That's the Millennium Falcon.

  • I'm talking about the year 2000 problem: Y2K.

  • Oh, yes, um...

  • T3G.

  • Pardon?

  • [LAUGHS] B9C.

  • "B9C"?

  • Look, if our computer systems are all connected

  • to Black Betty, some ancient mainframe--

  • Oh! Oh!

  • E4J. This is fun.

  • ...we're out of business when the date changes.

  • You mean all the technology is going to...

  • break?

  • Yes!

  • Is there any way this "collapse of civilization" thing

  • could affect me, personally?

  • I think it might.

  • Okay, then.

  • You have my full support to fix the problem.

  • Unless it involves any sort of resources

  • or decisions or effort on my part.

  • Remember: Money is no object.

  • Unless, of course, you plan to spend it.

  • Me? Why is it up to me?

  • Because you brought it up.

  • You know the rules.

  • He who complains is assigned to fix it.

  • That only applies to little things.

  • This could be the biggest project

  • in our company's history.

  • And I've never even seen that Black Betty mainframe.

  • No one has, for years.

  • It's quite splendiferous.

  • You've seen it?

  • I helped install it.

  • Of course, that was years ago,

  • before the life force was drained from my body

  • and I became a selfish and apathetic shell of a man.

  • Then you can help.

  • I don't think you were listening.

  • Besides, I don't even remember back then.

  • You have to help, Wally.

  • The career of every employee depends on it.

  • If our mainframe goes nuts,

  • we'll lose our payroll system.

  • Our pension database. The personnel records.

  • It will be as if we never even worked here.

  • For me, every day is like that.

  • You know what I mean.

  • If we go down, you're going down with us.

  • Shh, shh...

  • Yes, I want the gold card, the silver card

  • and the platinum card.

  • Are there any other heavy metals that you make cards in?

  • Okay, then. Send them out.

  • Wally, what are you doing?

  • Welcoming in the millennium.

  • By ordering credit cards?

  • That's right.

  • I'm applying for every credit card

  • I can get my hands on.

  • Then I'll take huge cash advances

  • and wait for the millennium bug to hose the banks' computers.

  • They'll never be able to bill me.

  • You would have made a great evil mastermind.

  • No, the hours are too long.

  • Alice, you got to help me

  • on this year 2000 project.

  • I need a team.

  • I would, but I don't have time.

  • I'm buried with work.

  • Maybe you should come with me

  • to see the director of Human Resources.

  • He might have a company-sponsored program

  • for time management.

  • Asok, we need your help

  • on the year 2000 project.

  • I'd like to help, but I'm just an intern.

  • I have no experience with computers made before the '90s.

  • Come with us to see

  • the director of Human Resources.

  • Maybe he knows of some

  • company-sponsored training you can take.

  • Wally...

  • Shh, I'm securing a home equity loan.

  • But you don't own a home.

  • I don't, but my good friend Bob does.

  • Who's Bob?

  • I'm Bob. Oh.

  • Sheesh.

  • But Wally, you're our best hope.

  • You've got to help on the year 2000 problem.

  • You were there.

  • You know where the date code is

  • on the old mainframe.

  • I don't remember any of it.

  • It was a long time ago.

  • Yes, I'm holding.

  • Come with us to see the director of Human Resources.

  • Maybe he has some sort of company-sponsored program

  • to regain lost memories.

  • Aaah!

  • MAN: Bob? Bob, are you there?

  • Hello, Bob?

  • Dogbert, I need you.

  • Meet me at work.

  • [WIZARD OF OZ -STYLE MUSIC PLAYING]

  • What do you want?

  • We came to see Mr. Catbert.

  • What for?

  • Well, I need 45 more people

  • to help me on the year 2000 project.

  • I need more time.

  • I need experience.

  • I need a memory.

  • What about the dog?

  • I'm perfect, but thanks for asking.

  • Mr. Catbert is busy. Go away!

  • We could shove Asok, the intern, through the opening

  • and he can unlock the door from the other side.

  • I could never fit in that tiny--

  • Oh...

  • Note to self:

  • Get smarter troll to guard door.

  • We need your help. I can't help.

  • Why not? It's a company policy.

  • Aren't you the one who makes the company policies?

  • Do I have a great job or what?

  • If you don't help us

  • we'll be stuck here

  • and we'll never be able to go home.

  • Dilbert, you don't need me.

  • You have everything you need right here.

  • Take Asok here.

  • He has no experience.

  • I am a blank slate.

  • But what he doesn't realize

  • is that cynicism is almost the same thing

  • as experience.

  • It is?

  • Sure. Just try thinking the worst about people

  • and you'll usually be right.

  • I feel wiser already.

  • And Alice.

  • You need more time.

  • But that's only because you spend so much time

  • with your hair and makeup in the morning.

  • That's a necessity.

  • Only in your mind.

  • You mean I'm beautiful just the way I am?

  • CATBERT: No.

  • I mean it's a lost cause.

  • You should put that time to better use.

  • DILBERT: What about Wally?

  • He needs a memory.

  • Wally doesn't need a real MEMORY.

  • I don't?

  • No. Recent court rulings

  • have proven false memory

  • is just as good as the real thing.

  • Maybe better.

  • How do I get one of those?

  • Hypnosis will do the trick.