We're not being forced into a relationship by social convention or match-making or dynastic imperatives.

不受禮俗、門戶、律法誡令的限制

But in reality our choice of lover is probably a lot less free than we imagine.

事實上，擇偶不如我們所想的自由

Some very real constraints around whom we can love and feel properly attracted to come

我們選擇所愛、被吸引的類型

from a place we might not think to look: our childhoods. Our psychological history strongly

可能被早已淡忘的童年所牽制

predisposes us to fall for only certain types of people. We love along grooves formed in childhood.

人們的過往心理歷程，主宰了戀愛偏好。一切始於童年

We look for people who in many ways recreate the feelings of love we knew when we were small.

人們尋找能重現童年愛的感覺的對象

The problem is that the love we imbibed in childhood was unlikely

問題是，被投射童年情懷的對象

to have been made up simply of generosity, tenderness and kindness. Given the way the

不可能一昧慷慨、溫柔、友愛

world is, love was liable to have come entwined with certain painful aspects: a feeling of

「愛」也有黑暗面：

not being quite good enough; a love for a parent who was fragile or depressed; a sense

難受的經驗、脆弱抑鬱的父母、

that one could never be fully vulnerable around a caregiver. This predisposes us to look

難有十全十美的養育。這些童年經驗

in adulthood for partners who won't necessarily simply be kind to us, but who will – most

讓人們尋找不一定愛自己，但要「熟悉」的對象

importantly – feel familiar; which can be a subtly but importantly different thing.

這是難言喻，但卻至關重大的事

We may be constrained to look away from prospective candidates because they don't satisfy a

我們可能會按捺不住，一再尋找可能人選，因為沒有人能符合所有要求

yearning for the complexities we associate with love. We may describe someone as not

我們可能會嫌某人不夠性感或太無聊

"sexy" or "boring" when in truth we mean: unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need

事實上，這是「他不能滿足我對真愛的條件」

to suffer in order to feel that love is real. It's common to advise people who are drawn to tricky candidates simply to leave them and find someone more wholesome. This is both

這可以用來建議騎驢找馬的人

theoretically appealing and often practically impossible. We cannot magically redirect the

因為這不切實際。吸引力的緣由難移

well-springs of attraction. Rather than aim for a transformation in the types of people

不如改變自己喜歡的類型

we're attracted to, it may be wiser simply to adjust how we respond and behave around

面對總是讓我們心動的麻煩人物

the occasionally difficult characters whom our past mandates we will find compelling.

以恰當的舉止應對，才是明智之舉

Our problems are often generated because we continue to respond to compelling people in

問題是，我們總是希望對方能按自己童年模式進行

the way we learned to behave as children around their templates. For instance, maybe we had

舉例來說，我們有一對易怒的雙親

a rather irate parent who often raised their voice. We loved them, and reacted by feeling

因為愛父母，所以在他們憤怒時到自責

that when they were angry we must be guilty. We got timid or humble. Now if a partner

把父母生氣歸咎於自己，變得膽怯卑微

(to whom we are magnetically drawn) gets cross, we respond as squashed, brow-beaten children:

現在我們深愛的對象生氣了，我們同樣表現出卑躬屈膝的模樣

we sulk, we feel it's our fault, we feel got at and yet deserving of criticism, we

即便不快樂，也怪罪自己，認為被批評是應得的

build up a lot of resentment. Or perhaps we're drawn to someone with short-fuse – which

我們被這樣易怒的人吸引，也相對影響我們變得易怒

makes us blow up in turn. Or if we had a fragile, vulnerable parent who was easily hurt, we

或我們有個脆弱的父母

readily end up with a partner who is also a bit weak and demands us to care for them;

我們也可能尋找同樣嬌弱、需要仰賴我們的人

but then we get frustrated by their weakness – we tiptoe round them, we try to encourage

不久就會因他們的柔弱而厭煩。小心翼翼地照顧，

and reassure (as we did when we were little) but we also condemn this person for being undeserving.

百般鼓勵、保證。仍會譴責他們不值得如此相待

We probably can't change our templates of attraction. But rather than seek

我們也許不能改變著迷的類型

to radically re-engineer our instincts, what we can do is try to learn to react to desirable

但與其再讓自己陷入童年窠臼，我們能試著學習

candidates not as we did as children but in the more mature and constructive manner of

接受更成熟、完整、理性的對象

a rational adult. There is an enormous opportunity to move ourselves from a childlike to a more

從幼稚，邁向成熟之間的差距

adult pattern of response in relation to the difficulties we are attracted to.

與我們執迷的困難有關

Consider this table, column A: Partner's tricky behaviour. Column B: the child-like response on our part.

看看這個表，A欄 : 對方行為，B欄 : 自己未成熟的反應

And column C: The more adult response we should aim for. Raising our voice could lead to a sense of "it's all my fault"

C欄 : 成熟的目標作為。「講話提高音量」導致「自責」

The more mature response might be, "This is their issue, I don't have to feel bad."

成熟的想法可以是「這是他們的問題，我無需為此困擾。」

Or if the partner is rather patronising the child-like response might be; "I'm so stupid." But the more adult response might be; "There are lots of kinds of intelligence. And mine is fine."

或是「嬌弱的父母」導致孩子自認愚笨，成熟的想法可能是「聰明智慧有很多種，像我也不錯。」

and so on... Take a moment to look at the chart.

諸如此類，看一下這張表

We are almost certainly with somebody with a particularly knotty set of issues which

我們幾乎與他人都有層複雜棘手的關係

trigger our desires and our childlike defensive moves. The answer isn't to end the relationship,

激起我們的遐想與童年的防衛舉動。並不是要你結束這樣的關係

but rather to strive to deal with their compelling challenges with some of the wisdom of which

而是以智慧力抗父母或照顧者給我們的難題

we weren't capable when we first encountered these in a parent or caregiver. It probably

儘管曾讓年幼的我們無計可施

isn't in our remit to locate a wholly grown-up lover. But it's always in our remit to behave

不全然是寬恕你的愛人

in more grown-up ways around our lover's less mature sides.

而是以更成熟方式包容對方的不成熟

We hope you enjoyed this film, for more from The School of Life you can subscribe to our channel and take a look at our range of products on our website.

希望你喜歡，你可以訂閱或進到我們的網站，觀看更多 The School of Life 的影片