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-Good evening, ladies and remaining gentlemen.
[ Laughter ]
I'm Seth Meyers, and I'll be your host tonight.
Welcome to the 75th annual Golden Globes,
and Happy New Year, Hollywood.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's 2018.
Marijuana is finally allowed,
and sexual harassment finally isn't.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
It's gonna be a good year!
[ Cheers and applause continues ]
This was the year of big little lies and "get out"
and also the television series "Big Little Lies"
and the movie "Get Out."
[ Laughter ]
There's a new era under way, and I can tell,
because it's been years since a white man
was this nervous in Hollywood.
[ Laughter ]
By the way, a special hello to hosts
of other upcoming awards shows who are watching me tonight
like the first dog they shot into outer space.
[ Laughter and applause ]
For the male nominees in the room tonight,
this is the first time in three months
it won't be terrifying to hear your name read out loud.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Did you hear about Willem Dafoe?"
"Oh, God, no!" "He was nominated."
"Don't do that! [ Laughter ]
Don't do that!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Considering what has been going on this year with powerful men
and their terrible behavior in Hollywood,
a lot of people thought it would be more appropriate
for a woman to host these awards,
and they may be right.
But if it's any consolation,
I'm a man with absolutely no power in Hollywood.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not even the most powerful Seth in the room tonight.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, remember when he was the guy
making trouble with North Korea?
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Remember that?
[ Applause continues ]
Simpler times. [ Laughter ]
They tried to get a woman to host this show --
they really did.
They said, "Hey, how would you like to come and be judged
by some of the most powerful people in Hollywood?"
And women were like, "Hmm, well, where is it?"
And they said, "It's at a hotel,"
and long story short, I'm your host tonight.
[ Laughter ]
And we're all here tonight
courtesy of the Hollywood Foreign Press.
A strin-- Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
Give it up for the Hollywood Foreign Press.
A string of three words that could not have
been better designed to infuriate our President --
Hollywood Foreign Press.
[ Laughter and applause ]
The only name that would make him angrier
would be the Hillary Mexico Salad Association.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, I think it's time to address the elephant
not in the room.
Harvey Weinstein isn't here tonight,
because, well, I've heard rumors
that he's crazy and difficult to work with.
[ Laughter ]
But don't worry -- he'll be back in 20 years
when he becomes the first person
ever booed during the "In Memoriam."
[ Laughter, audience groans ]
It'll sound like that.
[ Laughter ]
Well, despite everything that happened this year,
the show goes on.
For example, I was happy to hear
they're gonna do another season of "House of Cards."
Is Christopher Plummer available for that, too?
[ Laughter ]
I hope he can do a Southern accent,
'cause Kevin Spacey sure couldn't.
[ Laughter, audience groans ]
Oh, is that too mean?
To Kevin Spacey?
[ Laughter ]
Daniel Kaluuya is nominated for Best Actor...
[ Cheers and applause ] ...for his work in "Get Out."
Daniel plays a young man lured to an event
full of aging white people
desperate to reclaim their youth,
and -- oh, my God, Daniel, it's a trap!
Get out! [ Laughter ]
"Get Out" was a great film to see in a theater
and also a great way to tell if your date was a racist.
If you walked out after that movie and your date said,
"It was so sad when they hit that deer," they're a racist.
You went to a movie with a racist.
"The Shape of Water" received the most nominations
of any film this year.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Just an incredibly beautiful film.
But I have to admit, when I first heard
about a film where a naive young woman
falls in love with a disgusting sea monster,
I thought, "Oh, man, not another Woody Allen movie."
[ Laughter ]
It's like "Manhattan" in water.
"The Post" is nominated for Best Picture tonight.
"The Post"... [ Cheers and applause ]
"The Post" is a film about journalistic integrity,
directed by Steven Spielberg
and starring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep --
No, not yet, we have to wait.
[ Laughter ]
We have to wait and see what happens.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
There was some great television nominated this year, too.
We had another fantastic season of "Stranger Things."
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Stranger Things" reminded me so much of my childhood.
Not the sci-fi stuff, and I didn't really have any friends.
I don't know how to ride a bike.
Basically, just the part
where a guy from RadioShack dated my mom.
[ Laughter ]
"Sesame Street" recently released a parody
of "Stranger Things," titled "Sharing Things."
Meanwhile, Bert and Ernie have been doing a parody
of "Call Me By Your Name" for years.
[ Laughter ]
I live in New York,
so one of my favorite shows of the year was "The Deuce."
If you haven't seen it, "The Deuce" is a show
about Times Square in the early '70s,
when New York was so seedy there were two James Francos.
[ Laughter ]
Oprah Winfrey is receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What a tremendous honor
for Cecil B. DeMille.
[ Laughter ]
And, Oprah, while I have you, in 2011, I told some jokes
about our current president
at the White House Correspondents Dinner --
jokes about how he was unqualified to be president --
and some have said that night convinced him to run.
So if that's true, I just want to say --
Oprah, you will never be President!
[ Laughter ]
You do not have what it takes!
And Hanks! Where's Hanks?!
You will never be Vice President!
[ Laughter ]
You are too mean and unrelatable!
[ Laughter ]
Now we just wait and see.
[ Laughter ]
So if I may, on my show, we do a segment called
"Jokes Seth Can't Tell" with two of my writers,
Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel, where they tell punch lines
that would be more fun coming from them instead of me,
a straight white male.
Tonight, that's more true than ever,
so we thought we could enlist
some of the brilliant people in this room, so let's start.
Where's Jessica Chastain? Jessica Chastain?
There she is. Give it up for Jessica.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So I'm gonna say the setup,
and Jessica's gonna say the punch line.
Okay, here we go.
The Golden Globes turns 75 this year...
-But the actress that plays its wife is still only 32.
[ Laughter ]
-There you go! So much more fun.
Where's Billy Eichner?
-I'm here! I'm right over here.
-Here you go. Here's your setup, Billy --
"Call Me By Your Name"
is nominated for best motion picture.
It is a gay coming-of-age film...
-Said Kevin Spacey, "You lost me at 'of age.'"
[ Laughter, audience groans ]
-And you thought it was mean
when I said he didn't have a Southern accent!
[ Laughter ]
Issa Rae is nominated for her HBO show, "Insecure."
[ Cheers and applause ]
There's Issa. -Hey.
-All right, here's your setup.
"Insecure" creator Issa Rae currently has three projects
in development with HBO.
-Yeah, that's right, and three projects
is also where they think I'm from.
[ Laughter ]
-Next up, Hong Chau,
so brilliant in the film "Downsizing."
Let's see Hong. [ Cheers and applause ]
Here's the setup -- according to a recent article,
only 5% of speaking roles in Hollywood
are played by Asian actors.
-But those numbers might be off
since a white person did the math.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-All right, where's Amy Poehler?
All right, there you are, Amy!
Do you want to do one?
-Uh, yeah, I'll do one, but I don't need your help.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, but, no, I do the setup, and then you do the punch line.
-Oh, is that how it works? [ Laughter ]
You're -- You're explaining something I already know.
Is this the mansplaining part of the evening?
-No, no, I just don't think it'll work without
a setup to your punch line.
-Oh, well, I'm glad to know what you think.
First of all, thank you for telling me what you think.
And, secondly, I'm a woman in Hollywood, Seth.
We've all been through a lot.
I don't need a setup to make a punch line work.
Okay? You're sadly mistaken.
-Okay, I'm sorry. I apologize.
-Oh, another apology. How wonderful.
[ Laughter ]
All right. Let me just get started.
I'm reclaiming my wine. Here we go.
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
-So you're gonna just do a punch line with no setup.
-Everybody gets it! You already explained it!
Stop explaining it!
Oh, my God! Okay.
Punch line. No setup. Here we go.
Said the peach in "Call Me By Your Name,"
this scene is the pits.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Thank you so much, Amy.
Also, I want to point out that sitting next to Amy
is Saru Jayaraman. Give it up for Saru, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
She is one of many activists from outside of this industry
who have been invited here tonight
in support of the Time's Up initiative.
It's great. Yeah, give it up.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's great that this movement understands
that what tarnished our world this year
tarnishes so many others and is reaching out to help them, too.
And I know if you're watching at home
and you see everyone in their tuxedos and gowns,
this looks like a room of privileged Hollywood elite.
And that's fair. But everyone in this room knows
that Hollywood is so much more than that.
When you're on a film set, you meet hairdressers
and camera people and script supervisors.
Most of the jobs on film sets
are jobs for people who work long, hard hours.
They are American dream jobs.
Those people aren't there...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Those people aren't there thanks to their rich dad,
except for that one P.A.
[ Laughter ]
Every film set has at least one super-connected P.A.
who is always late.
And you ask what the hell his deal is, someone's like,
"Oh, that's Jeremy Paramount."
[ Laughter ]
"Give Jeremy his space."
People in this room worked really hard to get here,
but it's clearer now than ever before
that the women had to work even harder.
So thank you for all the amazing work
that you've all done and you continue to do.
I look forward to you leading us into whatever comes next.
So thank you so much for letting me say that.
[ Cheers and applause ]
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金球獎主持人賽斯・梅耶斯的超強獨白 (Seth Meyers' Monologue at the 2018 Golden Globes)

674 分類 收藏
Samuel 發佈於 2018 年 1 月 11 日

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