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  • Arguments in relationships are typically so regrettable and often so bitter, it's natural

    爭執在關係裡經常是痛苦而令人懊悔的

  • to hope we mightwith greater maturityovercome them once and for all. But given

    我們自然想要更成熟地永遠克服這件事

  • what human nature is actually like, it would be unwise to make this our goal: the hope can't be

    但從人性角度來看,這個目標是不明智的

  • to eliminate arguments altogether, it should be to try to find our way to a better kind of argument.

    不該希冀能完全根除爭執,而該為爭執找到更好的模式

  • Arguments tend to start when we are confrontedusually rather suddenly

    爭執的開始,通常起於突然得面對

  • by what appears to us to be the radical selfishness, intransigence or sheer nastiness of the partner.

    我們看來另一半所表現出的極端自私與倔強或劣根性。

  • It is extremely tempting to react with equal force.

    我們會很想用相同的力度回應

  • We aren't, after all, a pushover. We have been hurt and we must hurt back. We will make them suffer as they have made us suffer.

    畢竟我們不是出氣包,以牙還牙地讓對方痛苦,如同對方讓我們痛苦一樣

  • There may be variations in just how we opt to inflict the suffering.

    施加傷害的選項有幾種可能

  • Perhaps we'll do a lot of shouting. Or slam a door. Or maybe we'll eke this one out  with a sulk.

    我們可能會咆哮、摔門或是以生悶氣來度過

  • But the underlying principle is the same: we have been hurt and we have to punish.

    但基礎原則都是相同的我們被傷害了,必須懲罰對方

  • But at this point, we might ask ourselves what we're really seeking.

    這時候,我們得反省真正想要的是什麼

  • After all, we are not trying to administer abstract justice or punish for the sake of it. This isn't

    畢竟我們不是要主持抽象的正義來懲罰對方

  • a criminal court or the headmaster's office. What we're truly seeking in a close relationship

    這不是刑事法庭或校長辦公室我們在親密關係中

  • is something much more touching: we want the other person to love us properly and to be kinder.

    想得到是更感性的我們想要對方更和善

  • That's why we're slamming the door, calling them a fuckwit and have been

    用對的方式愛我們。這是我們摔門、罵對方白癡、

  • pretending they don't exist since breakfast. Surprisingly, almost the last thing we ever

    從早餐開始就無視對方的原因。意外的是,我們深受傷害時

  • do when we've been very hurt is to say that we've been very hurt. It feels just too

    從不去做的就是表達自己受傷了

  • humiliating to reveal our wound to the person who inflicted it, to show ourselves as vulnerable

    曝露傷口給傷害我們的人、在踐踏我們脆弱的人面前

  • in front of the very individual who it seems has unbearably abused our vulnerability.

    展示自己的脆弱,實在太屈辱了

  • This is both hugely understandable and doesn't advance things in the least, because we're

    這情有可原,但對事情沒幫助,因為

  • not in a relationship to be emotionally safe, we're there to find connection. An act of retribution,

    我們不是為了情緒上的安全談感情,而是為了建立關係;報復行動

  • while it may give us a momentary impression of impregnability, never increases

    可能會給我們一時的快意但並不會增加

  • our chances of obtaining the love and understanding we've formed a couple in order to derive.

    得到愛的機會,不會讓我們理解交往正是了此事

  • We might consider a different and slightly paradoxical approach: we might, exactly at

    我們可以考慮另一個有點矛盾的做法,我們可以

  • the moment when we've been wounded by our partner, instead of hitting back, make what

    在被伴侶傷害的時候,不選擇回手

  • we could term "A dignified avowal of hurt and fear". Rather than get furious, we might attempt

    我們可以「有尊嚴地承認受傷與害怕」與其發怒,我們能試著

  • to register and get directly at what is ailing us through a twofold admission.

    透過兩階段的承認來直接面對痛楚的來源

  • We might say, firstly, "I'm so hurt that someone I've put my emotional trust in should

    我們首先可以說:我受傷了,因為我情感上信任的人

  • say or do that to me." And secondly, (and this takes proper courage), we might add," I'm

    竟然對我這樣說、這樣做。接著(這需要勇氣)再加上:

  • so frightened that I should be emotionally deeply exposed to someone who would appear

    我很害怕自己的情緒曝露在

  • to hurt me like this." This should give the partner pause for thought.

    會傷害我的人面前。這會讓伴侶停下來思考

  • One hasn't insulted them or hurt them back in the usual waywhich is what typically blocks their ears and sets

    對方沒有像平常一樣辱罵或回手,這通常是讓伴侶充耳不聞

  • off a vicious cycle of attack and counterattack. We are being dignified and honest. We aren't

    雙方惡性循環、互相攻擊的原因我們誠實且有尊嚴

  • lashing out , but nor are we begging. We are neither being very strong, nor very weak.

    我們沒有發怒,但也不在乞求我們不卑不亢

  • We are neither punching nor crawling. We are just standing still, admitting our genuine

    我們不攻擊也不巴結我們只是冷靜地承認

  • sadness, fear and nakedness in a tone of marked self-possession. Too often, arguments become

    自己真實的悲傷、害怕與赤裸。爭吵常常會變得

  • interminable and, to outsiders, slightly daft because both people refuse to admit that they're

    毫無止盡,對外人來說也有點愚蠢因為兩個人都拒絕承認

  • sad not mean. It isn't what time to leave for the airport or whose turn it is to do

    他們是悲傷,而非刻薄。並不是幾點要出發去機場

  • the dishes that's created the argument. It's that both parties are, in different ways,

    或誰來洗碗這種事造成爭吵,而是當兩邊各自感受到

  • feeling unloved and misunderstoodbut are refusing to say this in quite so many words.

    不被愛與誤解,但他們拒絕訴說此事

  • In a wiser society, we'd study arguments at school for at least four years.

    在一個理性的社會我們曾在學校學習至少四年的辯論

  • They're as complicated as algebra and far more important. And we'd all get a lot better at confessing

    它和代數一樣複雜但更重要,而且我們也學會如何坦承傷口

  • our wounds in a tone of self-possessed dignity. We'd admit with calm that, though we're

    同時沉著地保持尊嚴我們會冷靜地承認,即使我們

  • capable and strong in most areas of our lives, here, right now, in the arena of the relationship,

    在生命中某些領域很在行,但在親密關係的擂台

  • we are hurt and scaredand yet are brave and mature enough, as well committed enoughto love,

    我們受傷而且害怕但也足夠成熟勇敢去愛人,

  • to dare to tell the partner so in the plainest, most undecorated and most heartfelt words.

    敢用最平凡不掩飾,但最為真心的話語向對方傾訴

  • We might, thereby, save ourselves a lot of time.

    這樣一來,我們可能為自己省下很多時間

  • We believe in making the world a more emotionally intelligent place and to that end we have now also published some extraordinary books.

    我們相信能打造一個情商更高的世界為此,我們因此也創造了一些精彩的書籍

  • As well as other merchandise that reinforces some of the themes illustrated in our videos.

    還有其他與影片主題相同的衍生商品

  • Please click on the link below to see more.

    詳請請點擊以下連結

Arguments in relationships are typically so regrettable and often so bitter, it's natural

爭執在關係裡經常是痛苦而令人懊悔的

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B1 中級 中文 英國腔 爭執 承認 尊嚴 受傷 關係 傷口

如何與你的伴侶爭論 (How To Argue With Your Partner)

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    Hhart Budha 發佈於 2018 年 04 月 17 日
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