to hope we might – with greater maturity – overcome them once and for all. But given

我們自然想要更成熟地永遠克服這件事

what human nature is actually like, it would be unwise to make this our goal: the hope can't be

但從人性角度來看，這個目標是不明智的

to eliminate arguments altogether, it should be to try to find our way to a better kind of argument.

不該希冀能完全根除爭執，而該為爭執找到更好的模式

Arguments tend to start when we are confronted – usually rather suddenly

爭執的開始，通常起於突然得面對

– by what appears to us to be the radical selfishness, intransigence or sheer nastiness of the partner.

我們看來另一半所表現出的極端自私與倔強或劣根性。

It is extremely tempting to react with equal force.

我們會很想用相同的力度回應

We aren't, after all, a pushover. We have been hurt and we must hurt back. We will make them suffer as they have made us suffer.

畢竟我們不是出氣包，以牙還牙地讓對方痛苦，如同對方讓我們痛苦一樣

There may be variations in just how we opt to inflict the suffering.

施加傷害的選項有幾種可能

Perhaps we'll do a lot of shouting. Or slam a door. Or maybe we'll eke this one out  with a sulk.

我們可能會咆哮、摔門或是以生悶氣來度過

But the underlying principle is the same: we have been hurt and we have to punish.

但基礎原則都是相同的我們被傷害了，必須懲罰對方

But at this point, we might ask ourselves what we're really seeking.

這時候，我們得反省真正想要的是什麼

After all, we are not trying to administer abstract justice or punish for the sake of it. This isn't

畢竟我們不是要主持抽象的正義來懲罰對方

a criminal court or the headmaster's office. What we're truly seeking in a close relationship

這不是刑事法庭或校長辦公室我們在親密關係中

is something much more touching: we want the other person to love us properly and to be kinder.

想得到是更感性的我們想要對方更和善

That's why we're slamming the door, calling them a fuckwit and have been

用對的方式愛我們。這是我們摔門、罵對方白癡、

pretending they don't exist since breakfast. Surprisingly, almost the last thing we ever

從早餐開始就無視對方的原因。意外的是，我們深受傷害時

do when we've been very hurt is to say that we've been very hurt. It feels just too

從不去做的就是表達自己受傷了

humiliating to reveal our wound to the person who inflicted it, to show ourselves as vulnerable

曝露傷口給傷害我們的人、在踐踏我們脆弱的人面前

in front of the very individual who it seems has unbearably abused our vulnerability.

展示自己的脆弱，實在太屈辱了

This is both hugely understandable and doesn't advance things in the least, because we're

這情有可原，但對事情沒幫助，因為

not in a relationship to be emotionally safe, we're there to find connection. An act of retribution,

我們不是為了情緒上的安全談感情，而是為了建立關係；報復行動

while it may give us a momentary impression of impregnability, never increases

可能會給我們一時的快意但並不會增加

our chances of obtaining the love and understanding we've formed a couple in order to derive.

得到愛的機會，不會讓我們理解交往正是了此事

We might consider a different and slightly paradoxical approach: we might, exactly at

我們可以考慮另一個有點矛盾的做法，我們可以

the moment when we've been wounded by our partner, instead of hitting back, make what

在被伴侶傷害的時候，不選擇回手

we could term "A dignified avowal of hurt and fear". Rather than get furious, we might attempt

我們可以「有尊嚴地承認受傷與害怕」與其發怒，我們能試著

to register and get directly at what is ailing us through a twofold admission.

透過兩階段的承認來直接面對痛楚的來源

We might say, firstly, "I'm so hurt that someone I've put my emotional trust in should

我們首先可以說：我受傷了，因為我情感上信任的人

say or do that to me." And secondly, (and this takes proper courage), we might add," I'm

竟然對我這樣說、這樣做。接著（這需要勇氣）再加上：

so frightened that I should be emotionally deeply exposed to someone who would appear

我很害怕自己的情緒曝露在

to hurt me like this." This should give the partner pause for thought.

會傷害我的人面前。這會讓伴侶停下來思考

One hasn't insulted them or hurt them back in the usual way – which is what typically blocks their ears and sets

對方沒有像平常一樣辱罵或回手，這通常是讓伴侶充耳不聞

off a vicious cycle of attack and counterattack. We are being dignified and honest. We aren't

雙方惡性循環、互相攻擊的原因我們誠實且有尊嚴

lashing out , but nor are we begging. We are neither being very strong, nor very weak.

我們沒有發怒，但也不在乞求我們不卑不亢

We are neither punching nor crawling. We are just standing still, admitting our genuine

我們不攻擊也不巴結我們只是冷靜地承認

sadness, fear and nakedness in a tone of marked self-possession. Too often, arguments become

自己真實的悲傷、害怕與赤裸。爭吵常常會變得

interminable and, to outsiders, slightly daft because both people refuse to admit that they're

毫無止盡，對外人來說也有點愚蠢因為兩個人都拒絕承認

sad not mean. It isn't what time to leave for the airport or whose turn it is to do

他們是悲傷，而非刻薄。並不是幾點要出發去機場

the dishes that's created the argument. It's that both parties are, in different ways,

或誰來洗碗這種事造成爭吵，而是當兩邊各自感受到

feeling unloved and misunderstood – but are refusing to say this in quite so many words.

不被愛與誤解，但他們拒絕訴說此事

In a wiser society, we'd study arguments at school for at least four years.

在一個理性的社會我們曾在學校學習至少四年的辯論

They're as complicated as algebra and far more important. And we'd all get a lot better at confessing

它和代數一樣複雜但更重要，而且我們也學會如何坦承傷口

our wounds in a tone of self-possessed dignity. We'd admit with calm that, though we're

同時沉著地保持尊嚴我們會冷靜地承認，即使我們

capable and strong in most areas of our lives, here, right now, in the arena of the relationship,

在生命中某些領域很在行，但在親密關係的擂台

we are hurt and scared – and yet are brave and mature enough, as well committed enoughto love,

我們受傷而且害怕但也足夠成熟勇敢去愛人，

to dare to tell the partner so in the plainest, most undecorated and most heartfelt words.

敢用最平凡不掩飾，但最為真心的話語向對方傾訴

We might, thereby, save ourselves a lot of time.

這樣一來，我們可能為自己省下很多時間

We believe in making the world a more emotionally intelligent place and to that end we have now also published some extraordinary books.

我們相信能打造一個情商更高的世界為此，我們因此也創造了一些精彩的書籍

As well as other merchandise that reinforces some of the themes illustrated in our videos.

還有其他與影片主題相同的衍生商品

Please click on the link below to see more.

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