Placeholder Image

字幕列表 影片播放

  • Key Kris Krohn here with Limitless TV and today I have my amazing lovely wife

  • Kalenne Marie Krohn here with me and today we're going to be talking about

  • our five sacred rules of communication in marriage.

  • We are celebrating 17 years of marriage

  • 15 and a half years of marriage and in that period of time we have

  • definitely learned some very fascinating things about the way the two of us

  • communicate and the more we've been out in the world, we meet couples and do our

  • work with a lot of people we find that there's a lot of people that have been

  • going through some very similar challenges on learning how to get on the

  • same page with communication style. So today we're going to be sharing our five

  • rules for us these are five sacred rules of communication in our marriage and

  • we're sharing them with you in a space of love and hope that they will help

  • help you on your journey. Alright the first rule is say yes. Say yes to your

  • spouse. Say yes when your spouse wants something say yes when your spouse asks

  • for something. If it's important to them say yes. I mean do you remember when you

  • guys were first dating each other? and you were in such a good habit of saying

  • yes? And then let's just be honest, most of us go through a pattern that eyes

  • half-open get married open her eyes the rest of the way. And then after it

  • doesn't take many months of marriage before you start realizing that your

  • spouse has a lot of flaws right? And you're starting to see the things that

  • you don't like and all the sudden it's like, well I saw everything I loved that

  • I got married and now it all went downhill from here

  • and what that means is that when we're in love with each other and seeing

  • everything we love, we'd love to say yes but the moment we start bickering and

  • fighting or start noticing the flaws yes is turn into no's. And it could be

  • anything from you know, honey I really want a guys night can I go out with the

  • guys tonight? And you know maybe I've had a long day with the kids or long didn't

  • work and I'm like, oh I just want you to be with me I don't want you to do that

  • but you know maybe on another night I asked to go out with my girlfriends and

  • I want him to say yes to me, you know? It's a give-and-take of supporting

  • each other when we ask everything. You know it's also about developing an

  • unconditional love. You know when when we're saying no we're often stepping

  • into a space of conditionality. It's like unconditional with you. I love you when, I

  • love you if, I'll say yes if, but these are my terms. And now it turns into a

  • scorekeeping game. It turns into trade and I'm just inviting you with this

  • first rule of saying yes to let go. Go back to the beginning, go out

  • of your way, don't keep score. Say yes as much as you possibly can that's why you

  • married this amazing divine human being was to do everything that you could for

  • their happiness. This goes to number two, advocate for your spouse. And that

  • means to me is I want what you want because you want it. Did you get that

  • right? There's a gold nugget that just got dropped on you right there. I want

  • what you want because you want it and I want to if you want and I want to amend

  • it and even add to it this idea that says, especially if I don't want it I

  • want what you want because you want it especially if I don't want it. That's

  • where you show up as the hero. And you know what we need in marriages today? We

  • need spouses that can pull off hero status. I'm gonna demonstrate right now. I

  • know we're leaving for Africa in a couple of days between now and then. What

  • do you want? how can I serve you? like, like, how can I help you get everything

  • done that you need to get done? Well you could put the kids to bed tonight so

  • I can work on my project. I want that I want that so desperately. Yay!

  • okay advocating for your spouse is really really fun. You did that for me a

  • couple months ago for our Spring Break. You know, now Kris especially loves to

  • travel abroad. I love to travel abroad and for spring break I wanted to take

  • the kids on a desert road trip. Does that sound exciting?

  • It did to me. I wanted to go see the Grand Canyon, I wanted to go see Bryce, I

  • wanted to go see Moab. And Kris was just like rolling his eyes at me of oh, that

  • sounds so unexcited. Sounds so domestic. Domestic and I'm like these were the

  • most beautiful places in our whole country and we're gonna go see our kids

  • have never seen the Grand Canyon. You've never seen the Grand Canyon, So I invited

  • him. I said, would you take the kids on this road trip with me for a whole week?

  • and would you choose all in? would you choose all in and be passionate about it

  • and loved every minute of it and help me with the kids and just go play and have

  • an outdoor adventure? And

  • I said yes and I chose in. he said and he ended up

  • wanting what I wanted or choosing to want what I wanted and we have the most

  • magical trip and took the most amazing spectacular pictures, went on the most

  • the coolest hikes. Saw the most amazing formations and we had a blast. You know,

  • it's interesting that we live in a world today where there's a lot of selfishness

  • that's one of the rules that really reigns supreme

  • and yet learning how to know know the balance of how to honor yourself and how

  • to take a stand for what's important to you, even if at times honoring

  • yourself means going against your spouse's wishes, there there may be those

  • moments in life but for the most part the moments really get to be constructed

  • from this selfless giving that says I love you and I promise to do everything

  • and anything for you. And for me that means, let's be each other's heroes. Kalenn

  • shows up as my hero all the time. And there's things that she may not want to

  • do but if they're important to me, then she makes them important to her as she

  • chooses into an energy that isn't filled with a begrudgingness it's filled with,

  • all right I'm here, I'm gonna play. Yhis is important to you so this is important

  • to me. Advocate for your spouse. Now number

  • three is maintain boundaries and what that means is allow husbands problems to

  • be separate from wife's problems. And what that means to me is, you know if

  • Chris comes home from work and has had a hard day or things have happened and

  • he's got like a negative energy coming from him. Which almost never happened. It

  • almost never happens now. It used to, it means that I don't get swept up in that

  • negative emotion and negative energy because, have you ever noticed if

  • someone's in a bad mood like if mom's in a bad mood then the kids all of a sudden

  • are in a bad mood because they're, they feed off that negative energy. And you

  • know I can show up in a in a neutral space and say, hey babe looks like you

  • had a hard day tell me about it. And he can tell me about it and I don't have

  • to take on that negative energy myself. I can stand there and be a support

  • to him and help him work through it. A lot of us become very empathic when when

  • there's someone that we love in our air space. If they're having a good day we'll

  • allow that to build us up and if they're having a hard day we'll actually use

  • that as a reason to build ourselves down. But I want to ask you this question, do

  • you really want your energy to be directed by

  • other people? Do you want the emotions of other people to determine your state

  • of happiness or sadness? that's an emotional incompetency that most of us

  • bear in this world until we wake up to this consciousness that says, you know

  • what? I may be married to you and you may be the love of my life

  • but right now you have a problem and here's the rule, the person with the

  • problem is the person with the problem. And the person with the problem is also

  • the person with the solution. so if Kalenn is having a day or if I'm

  • having a day, part of this rule of maintaining boundaries says alright I

  • love you you're having a problem and you're even maybe directing that

  • projecting that problem on me. Maybe you're so upset about what's going on

  • that you're now projecting that anger towards me and guess what? That's okay. I

  • can hold space for that. that's your problem. Or if I have a problem, that's my

  • problem. And what it means is that we can actually help build each other up

  • way faster because we're not buying each other's story of garbage. We're actually

  • able to hold space for that individual and show up and love because I want to

  • ask you this, when you got married did you agree to love them when it was

  • convenient? or didn't we really make the commitment to love them especially at

  • their hardest moments? It's the times of crisis when we need each other the most

  • and we're not going to be able to rush to each other's aid if we're too busy

  • feeding off of each other's negative energy and tearing each other down as a

  • downward spiral. You want to create an upward spiral then set a boundary in

  • place that says, hey you've got a problem how can I help? how can I serve? In other

  • words, it doesn't have to become my problem. I love what you said about

  • emotional intelligence and if you are allowing someone else to make you feel

  • bad or make you sad or make you upset, you're giving your agency away. That's what it is.

  • On Facebook I happen to be scrolling and I saw a post and someone said, well today's

  • tomorrow is going to be an awful day. Oh well that's a strong prophecy that you

  • are gonna sell fulfill. Well if you believe that probably but why would you

  • do that? why would you say that? why would you call that into the universe that

  • it's going to be a horrible day. Yeah so that's why this maintaining

  • boundaries number 3 goes into number 4 which is mastering neutrality. And here's

  • what neutrality means, it means that I can consciously choose

  • to remain neutral no matter how triggered your spouse might be. And it's

  • not even just about marriage it might be a boss it might be a co-worker it might

  • be a friend. You know let's be honest, we live with people you know eight

  • billion people on this planet and we get triggered or on a regular basis. We have

  • our issues and we have our problems and then when we have a problem here's what

  • most of us will do, some of us will internalize and say I'm bad. Most of us

  • will project onto others and say you're bad. And so we live in a world where

  • people are gonna vomit energetically on us. They're nasty yucky pastiches yuck

  • and if you're the master of neutrality, then you can choose to be perfectly

  • happy whether someone is happy, sad, having the best moment of their life, a

  • peak moment or they're having one of the worst day of their life. Either way, that

  • neutrality says I love you and I can hold space for you and when I maintain

  • the space of neutrality I can serve you. I can show up. I can help because I'm not

  • being affected by choice of that negative energy around me. Now you know

  • in like Star Trek where where they go shields up and like they have this force

  • field around them? Okay that's what I think of when it's maybe someone

  • negative coming into your space oh shields up! And I just imagine this like bubble

  • of protection around me. it's real you can touch it and feel it

  • will zap you. But it's sorry you can't you can't penetrate this force field because

  • this is my special protection area and I I don't allow that into me, into my body,

  • into my airspace. I might be getting a little grouchy, I might be

  • having a moment and Kalenn is so good at coming up to me and and she got here by

  • choice. You know it wasn't always this way but she'll come up to me I'll she'd

  • give me a hug. she'll connect with me, she'll look right in my eyes, and she'll

  • ask what do you need right now? Or sometimes it's the other way around and

  • I've had, so we have four kids. And sometimes they are as every family knows

  • a lot to handle. Little beasts. Little beasties sometimes. And I've had times