She'll raise...

她要加碼……

whatever that is. I don't know what it is,

不管是多少。 我不知道這是多少

but get ready to lose your shirt

但準備好輸掉你的襯衫、

and your stuff and your vest.

妳的東西還有妳的背心

Oh, hi. Hello.

噢，嗨！ 你們好！

We were just doing a meeting--a work meeting.

我們剛正在開會──是工作會議

So, off, go. Scram.

好了，離開，快走。快滾

I love your pants, by the way.

對了，我超喜歡妳的褲子

Today--it's just that easy.

今天，就是這麼容易

Today, we're gonna do something a little bit different.

今天，我們要做點不同的事情

I'm gonna sit here. You're gonna sit wherever you are,

我會坐在這裡。 你們就坐在你們的位置

and we're going to look back at all the funny ladies that I've had on my show this past season,

我們要來回顧過去這季所有來過我節目的幽默女士們

besides me, you guys.

當然包括我，你們這些傢伙

Anyway, one of the funniest women I talked to this year was Amy Schumer.

總之，今年我訪談過、最幽默的女性之一是 Amy Schumer

Actually, I barely had to talk,

事實上，我幾乎沒有講什麼話

she just talked and I sat back and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

她就一直說，我就坐在那，一直笑，一直笑，一直笑，一直笑

and I let her talk.

我就讓她一直說

- Hi. - Hi.

－嗨！ －嗨！

- How's the poster doing that we gave you?

我們給你的海報如何？

- Well, I realized when I got home that it was a hostile, hostile gift.

當我到家的時候，我意識到那是個很不友善的禮物

- What? - Yes.

－蛤？ －沒錯

- You love the Hemsworth brothers.

你很喜歡 Hemsworth 兄弟不是嗎？

- I love the Hemsworth brothers,

沒錯，我愛他們

and I got the opportunity to meet them at the Vanity Fair party last year,

我去年有機會在《浮華世界》派對上見到了他們

but my sister took a horribly blurred photo

但我妹拍了一張非常模糊的照片

and so I've never forgiven her.

從那時候開始，我一直沒有原諒她

- Um, we're no longer in touch. - No.

－我們已經沒有再聯絡了。 －不會吧！

- No, I'm just kidding.

當然，我只是開玩笑

But then, see, you got me that portrait.

但那時，你給我那幅畫像

I live in Manhattan,

我住在曼哈頓

so my apartment is the size of this chair.

我的公寓就跟這張椅子差不多大小

So it takes up my whole apartment.

所以那張相片塞滿了我整個公寓

- Oh, no. - Yeah.

－不，天呀。 －沒錯

And people think I'm -- like, have a really weird pro--

別人以為我有什麼奇怪的 (毛病)

like, they think I stalk them, and they're just, like, concerned for me,

他們覺得我跟蹤他們 (Hemsworth 兄弟) ，然後開始擔心我

so that was a rude gift,

所以那是個很不恰當的禮物

and you could have just gotten me, like, a plant.

你本來是可以送我一株植物就好的

- I am so sorry.

我真的很抱歉

Well, I will give you a plant while you're here instead.

那麼你這次的拜訪，我會送你一株植物

- Thank you. Thank you.

太棒了，謝謝

- Why don't you-- no, no.

－你何不就──不行，那個不行

- No, that's mine. No. - Oh. Okay.

－那是我的。不行。 －好吧

- You just can't take whatever you want.

你不能想拿什麼就拿什麼

- Oh, okay. - No.

－好吧 －不行

- Why don't you move here, and then you'd have a bigger place?

為什麼你不搬來這裡 (加州) ？ 你就會有更大的空間了啊

Do you like it here?

你喜歡這裡的生活嗎？

- But--[sighs] I mean,

但是──我是說

I don't fit in here--just, like, straight up body type.

我沒辦法融入這裡，光看身形就不行

Like, in L.A., my arms register as legs.

在洛杉磯，我的手臂被當成是腿

They're just like-- [laughter]

他們 (洛杉磯的人) 都

[laughter]

[笑聲]

They're like, "Why is that octopus on Sunset?"

他們會說，「為什麼那隻章魚在日落大道上？ 」

"Is that--" [laughter]

那是──

It's not-- it's not for me out here.

這裡不是我該來的地方

- No? - It's not, no.

－不適合嗎？ －不適合

But I--you know.

但我──

- What do you do when you're here?

你來這裡的時候，都在做什麼？

- I cry. I just sit in my room...

哭呀。我就坐在我房裡……

[laughter] Bawling.

[笑聲] 放聲大哭

No, I--

我──

Well, last time I was here, right from the show,

上一次我來這裡時，節目結束後

I got courtside tickets to a Laker game.

我拿到了湖人比賽的場邊座位票

- That's fun. - Yeah, 'cause my--

－那很好玩呀 －對，因為我的──

my business agent thought I was mad at him for sexually harassing me.

我的經紀人以為我因為他性騷擾我的事很氣他

- Well-- - But no, I'm 33,

－嗯── －不是你想的那樣，老娘 33 歲了

so I'm just starting to really appreciate that,

所以我對那樣的事開始感到很欣慰

- you know what I mean? - I see, I see.

－你懂我的意思嗎？ －我知道

- Well, it's true. I can't speak for everyone.

這是事實。我不能代表每個人

I'm not like "Sexually harass--"

我不是說直接大喊「來性騷擾 (我吧～)」這樣

but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around--

但，在二十幾歲時，我覺得走在街上──

like you'll walk past a construction site,

像是當你要經過工地時

and be kind of like, "Oh, don't look--"

會有點像是「別 (那樣) 看 (我！)」這樣的反應

But then, in your 30s, you know, I'm just like, "What about this?" [laughter]

但當你三十幾歲的時候，我會有說「這個怎麼樣？」

"Like, how about--" [laughter]

「那──」

It's like my skirt's over my head.

就像是我裙子翻到我頭上時

I'm like, "Aah." [laughter]

我會說，「看吧」

They're like, "We're eating."

他們會說，「我們在吃飯耶。」

But, uh-- [laughter]

但── [笑聲]

[laughter]

[笑聲]

It changes, it really does.

那是會改變的，真的

It changes, so I--I got courtside seats,

那是會改變的，所以──我拿到了場邊座位

which--you've sat courtside at a game, right?

你比賽也坐過場邊位置，對吧？

- I have, yeah. - I thought--I went--

－我坐過，對。 －我以為──我去了──

I thought it would be free booze.

我以為會有免費的酒

Um... [laughter]

嗯…… [笑聲]

It's not, it's not. [laughter]

結果沒有，並沒有 [笑聲]

I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze.

我想你必須要是隊上的人才有免費的酒

So... - [laughs]

所以…… [笑聲]

- I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron.

我去了，我剛好坐在 Dianna Agron 旁邊

You know, the actress. She was on "Glee."

你知道的，是位演員。 她有演《歡樂合唱團》 (是一部美國電視音樂劇兼青春喜劇)

She played the cheerleader, Quinn?

她飾演拉拉隊員 Quinn

I mean, that lets you know how hot she is.

這就能讓你們知道她有多辣了

Yeah--oh, there we go. There's the picture.

沒錯，就是這張照片

Thanks for--yes. Isn't that great?

感謝你們──總之謝謝。照片很棒對吧？

[laughter] She's like--

[笑聲] 她根本就是──

the most gorgeous girl ever.

至今最迷人的女性

Her name was "Quinn" on that show.

她在那節目的名字是 Quinn

- To pull off that name? - Yeah.

－撐起那個名字？ －嗯

- Like if my name were "Quinn" on a show,

如果我在某個節目上的名字是 Quinn 的話

they'd be like, "Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper, that--"

他們會說，「天呀，那個開心的愛爾蘭籍運動場管理員──」

[laughter]

[笑聲]

"Does a jig time and again," you know.

「又再跳吉格舞了 (愛爾蘭的傳統舞蹈，通常為三拍子的快步舞)。」

But so she's there. Is she not like an angel?

所以她就坐在那裡。她是不是像個天使？

So--and the whole night, she's like,

整個晚上，她都

She's like this...

她都像這樣坐

'cause she knows people are taking pictures of her.

因為她知道大家在拍她

I obviously don't.

顯然地，我完全不知道

[laughter]

[笑聲]

I learned a lot. I learned that my resting face, is just a scowl, it's just-- [laughter]

我明白了許多。我意識到原來我放鬆的時候，就是一副屎臉

[laughter]

[笑聲]

And I learned--and you can see--

我還明白了──你可以從照片看到──

that I have what I'm now calling an "at-risk chin."

我現在稱作「危險邊緣」的下巴

[laughter]

[笑聲]

This is not a good section!

這個部分可不好呀！

[laughter] If I--if I don't,

[笑聲] 如果我──如果我沒有

like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself, just--

把下巴維持在海平面的高度的話，它會自己膨脹成兩倍大

[laughter]

[笑聲]

I become the dinosaur in the jeep in "Jurassic Park,"

我變成了侏羅記公園裡吉普車上的那隻恐龍

just "Fff!"

發出「嘶～～～」的聲音

[laughter]

[笑聲]

So I'm like--no idea people are taking pictures.

所以我完全不知道有人在拍照

I'm pounding red wine, and I--

我正大喝紅酒

I thought it was free-- and I--

我以為是免費的

[laughter]

[笑聲]

I get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know?

我走出大門時，牙齒全都沾滿了紅酒漬

Like, just first like sniff of merlot,

聞起來都有梅洛紅酒的味道

just "True Blood" mouth.

就像《噬血真愛》(美國吸血鬼影集) 的嘴巴

I look like I've been feeding, and I'm eating popcorn,

我看起來像剛吸完血，而我正在吃爆米花

the way I think we all eat popcorn, which is--

我認為我們大家吃爆米花的樣子都是──

you know, at first, don't you always kind of start out kind of like lying to yourself?

你知道的，一開始，我們不是都會裝模作樣嗎？

Like, "I don't know, I'll have a little."

像是，「好吧，就來一點。」

[laughter]

[笑聲]

Like one piece at a time, you know?

或是一次吃一顆這樣，對吧？

And then--and then, like, you get a little more real.

然後──然後你開始吃的比較像自己

Right? [laughter]

對吧？ [笑聲]

and then eventually, you just--you get "real" real.

然後，最後，你就原形畢露，張牙咧嘴地吃

And just "gah!"

瘋狂地吃

[laughter]

[笑聲]

Like, I've split my lip trying to get one more kernel--

我曾經張開血盆大口，只為了想再多塞一個進去

[laughter]

[笑聲]

It's true. In my dumb mouth.

是真的！塞進我這愚蠢的嘴裡

It is true.

是真的！

- [laughing hard]

[笑到不能自己]

- And so that's what happened. If you Google me, it'll be--

事情就是那樣。如果你用 Google 搜尋我，會──

And I--I look like her, actually.

老實說，我很像她

I look like her if she were stung by a million bees.

我很像被一百萬隻蜜蜂螫過的她

[laughter]

[笑聲]

It's true!

真的啦！

I look like her if she were, like, becoming the Hulk.

我看起來就像巨人版本的她

That's-- [laughter]

那真的是──

And she--you know, she wanted to be friends,

然後她──她想要跟我當朋友

and I'm like, "I can't. I can't."

我就說，「不行，真的不行。」

"We don't have-- we're not the same thing."

「我們沒有──我們不是同一個世界的人。」

Like she was telling me hot people problems, you know.

像是，當時她在跟我說一些正妹會遇到的問題

She's like, "He won't stop calling."

像是「他一直打給我。」

And I'm like, "[whine], I hate that."

我就說，「討厭，我最討厭那樣了。」

[laughter]

[笑聲]

Do you eat popcorn like that, though?

你吃爆米花也是那個樣子嗎？

- Are you a popcorn lover? - Yeah, I do.

－你愛吃爆米花嗎？ －愛吃

And I eat it exactly like that. - Right?

－我的吃相就跟那一模一樣 －對吧？

- Yes. - And that's why--

－沒錯 －那就是為什麼──

I'm so annoyed-- I'm single again,

我那麼煩惱──我現在又單身了

so I'm going to have to start dating some guy,

所以我又必須開始和某個男子約會

and we'll go to the movies and he'll be like,

我們會去看電影，他會說

"Do you want to get popcorn?" and I have to be like,

「你想吃爆米花嗎？」我會說

"Oh, I hadn't even thought about it."

「天呀，我都沒想到呢。」

[laughter]

[笑聲]

He's like, "What size?" and I'm like,

他接著會問，「大小呢？」我會說

"[giggles] A small. Look at me."

「小的。看看我，當然是小的。」

[laughter]

[笑聲]

Right, like a small popcorn? That's like taking one Advil.

對吧，小份的爆米花？那就像是吃一個止痛藥而已

Like, "get outta here."

「別開玩笑了。」

[laughter]

[笑聲]

"Get--I want a trough."

「給我來一整個飼料槽的爆米花」

"And I want to dunk my head in it."

「我要把我的頭浸泡在裡面。」

And--and then, you know.

然後

I'll be pretending not to think about the popcorn.

我會假裝不去想爆米花的事

- Hilarious. So when you say

－有夠好笑。所以當你說

you're gonna start dating again, that means that you're--

你要再開始約會，你是說你已經正在──

are you dating at all?

你現在有和誰在約會嗎？

- No, I, um--

沒有，我──

Well, I know everyone here is like, "How do we date you?"

好，我知道這裡的每一個人都會有「是要怎麼跟你約會呀？」的疑問

Thank you.

沒關係

[laughter]

[笑聲]

You can't, and not just 'cause I'm not totally out of the woods with this UTI I have right now,

你們沒辦法，不只是因為我現在泌尿道感染還沒完全脫離險境

but also--

還有──

[laughter]

[笑聲]

but also-- Thank you.

還有──謝謝你們

[laughter and applause] Oh, my God.

[笑聲和掌聲] 我的天呀

[laughter and applause]

[笑聲和掌聲]

No, but I'm not on any dating websites.

但我沒有使用任何交友網站

I don't--I'm on--I have one, like, app on my phone

我沒有──我有用──我手機上有個應用程式

that's kind of-- it's called "Foodspotting."

那有點──那個應用程式叫做「發現美食」

[laughter]

[笑聲]

And it's like Tinder, but for food, so, it lets me know--

就像 Tinder 交友軟體一樣，但是食物版的，它讓我知道──

- Is this real? - This is totally real.

－你在說真的嗎？ －是真的！

It lets--they let you know about food in your area.

它讓──他們讓你知道你的地區有什麼美食

So, like, this week in L.A., I was eyeing this one particular scone.

像是，這星期在洛杉磯，我在看一個很特別的司康

And uh-- [laughter]

然後──[笑聲]

Under a mile away.

在一英里的範圍內

Coincidence? Probably not.

巧合？ 我想可能不是

[laughter]

[笑聲]

So, I'm like, "Should I go?" And my friends are like, "Go!

我在想，「我應該去嗎？」我朋友們就說，「去吧！」

Like, check it out!"

「去看看！」

So I went to the scone, and I kind of just sidled up to it,

所以我就去了那家司康，然後我悄悄地走近它

and I was like, "Oh, my God, you look just like your picture."

我就，「我的天呀，你就跟你的照片一樣。」

[laughter]

[笑聲]

So I'm kind of dating. Kind of dating.

所以我也算是在約會啦。某種程度上算是啦

- It's different than that. You should--

那不一樣。你應該──

[laughs]

[笑]

Oh, my God. - It's pretty much the same exact thing. - Hilarious.

－我的天呀 －基本上和約會是沒兩樣的 －太好笑了

- It's almost exactly the same. - Yeah.

－幾乎是一樣的事 －對呀

- So, you're hosting the awards.

所以你要主持頒獎

Now, is this something that you think about?

這是你想做的事嗎？

Do you get nervous about? Have you hosted an awards show?

會緊張嗎？有主持過頒獎典禮嗎？

- No, the only thing I've hosted so far is HPV, so...

沒有過，我唯一感染過 (host 有寄生主與主持的意思) 的只有人類乳突病毒，所以……

[laughter] I feel--

[笑聲] 我覺得──

[laughter]

[笑聲]

No, it's not detectable in my system.

沒有，我沒有被檢查到病毒

I just went back to annual Paps, but--

我不久前才做了年度的子宮抹片檢查，但──

[laughter]

[笑聲]

I'm really excited. No, I didn't--

我超興奮的！ 我沒有……

- It's so weird that you're not dating.

你沒有約會對象真的很奇怪

- I don't know why. - I know.

－不懂為什麼 －我也不懂

- Where is it? - What's wrong?

－我的對象在哪？ －到底怎麼了？

- Why?

為什麼！

I didn't even know I was up for the job.

我根本不知道我是去應徵那份工作

And I got to do a show at Carnegie Hall.

我必須在卡內基音樂廳做一個表演

You know, a dream for a comic.

你知道的，喜劇演員的夢想

- Yep. - And I'm from New York,

－沒錯 －而且我是紐約人

so I--and that night, I was just so excited.

所以我──那個晚上，我超級興奮

All my high school friends were there.

我高中所有朋友都在那

And then, my publicist, Carrie Byalick...Bialick,

還有我的公關 Carrie Bylick──Bialick

something like that. [laughter]

差不多啦 [笑聲]

She's like my best friend, and I'm just, like, nervous.

她是我最好的朋友，我只是很緊張

But she--she was like, "You got it!"

她就說，「你成功了！」

And I was just like, "What?" And it was--

我就說，「什麼！」這很──

She's like, "You're hosting."

她就說，「你要主持了！」

And my high school friends went crazy.

我的高中朋友都樂歪了

Now they finally think I've made it.

現在，他們終於認為我成功了

They're just like, "MTV!"

她們大喊，「音樂電視台！」

I'm like, "How old-- we're like in our 30s, relax."

我就說，「都幾歲了，我們已經三十好幾，放鬆點。」

But-- [laughter]

但── [笑聲]

Yeah, I don't know. My friends actually--

就是那樣，我不知道。我朋友事實上──

There's an article--I was on the cover of "Entertainment Weekly,"

有一篇文章──我在《娛樂週刊》的封面

which I'm so proud of. - I know, look at this!

－我感到非常驕傲。 －我知道，看這！

I mean, look at the cover of-- - Yay!

－我是說，看這封面 －耶！

[cheers and applause] Me!

[歡呼和鼓掌] 是我！

I was so excited about that.

我那時因為這個超激動的

- Yeah, mini-- little alcohol bottles.

迷你酒瓶