NARRATOR From the director of the King Kong Universal

由環球影業《金剛》的導演

Studios ride...

打造的巨作

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Comes a film adaptation of the overly dense,

改編自一本厚重的宅男寶典

nerd bibles that employed an entire nation.

內容涵蓋許多種族

NARRATOR (CONT’D) When an evil vagine-eye awakens - its up to

當邪惡的陰道眼覺醒時

this Hobbit and this Fantasy Boy Band to destroy it’s jewelry...

由哈比人與他的夢幻男孩團體，一同去摧毀魔戒

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Prompting these unlikely heroes to embark

促使這些不太可靠的英雄踏上了

on an 11-hour New Zealand Tourism Commercial...

整整 11 小時的紐西蘭觀光廣告之旅

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Rife with walking...

帶來滿滿的...行走

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Roaming...

閒晃...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Hiking....

遠足...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) More walking...

又走來走去

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And strolling.

還有散步

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Join our heroes as they face ruthless armies

加入我們英雄的行列，一起面對中土最殘忍的

of Middle Earth

軍隊

NARRATOR (CONT’D) All vying for the most powerful object in

所有戰爭都是為了取得最強的力量

the world -the one ring to rule them all!

一枚能支配全世界的魔戒

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Which does absolutely nothing, besides turn

除了隱身之外

you into an invisible crack addict...

也能讓旁邊的人變成癮君子

BILBO “Raaah!”

Raaah!

NARRATOR Behold a quest so long, these heroes will

這些英雄們為了完成漫長的征途

need to be...

將會需要...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Carried by horses...

騎著馬匹

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Carried by orcs....

騎著半獸人

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Carried by trees...

騎著樹人

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Carried by eagles...

騎著老鷹

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And carried by hobbits.

還有騎著哈比人

SAMWISE “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry

「我不能幫你背負使命，但我可以

you”.

揹著你」

NARRATOR Meet characters who’s names are so complicated,

來認識這些角色超級複雜的名字吧

only a linguist could remember... like:

只有語言學家才能記得，像是

ELROND “Gandolf”

「甘道夫」

BILBO - O.S. “Frodo!”

「佛羅多」

FRODO – O.S. “Bilbo!”

「比爾博」

GRIMA WORMTONGUE O.S. “Sauron”

「索倫」

FRODO “Saruman”

「薩魯曼」

BOROMIR “Arogorn”

「亞拉岡」

FRODO – O.S. “Son of Arathorn”

「亞拉岡之子」

AROGORN “Boromir”

「波羅莫」

LONG HAIR MAN “Faramir”

「法拉墨」

THEODEN “Eowyn”

「伊歐玟」

ELROND “Arwen”

「亞玟」

ELROND “Gimli Son of Gloin”

「金霹、葛羅音之子」

ELROND “Isildur”

「埃西鐸」

LEGOLAS “Morgoth”

「魔苟斯」

GALADRIEL “Galadriel”

「凱蘭崔爾」

HALDIR “Caras Galadhon”

「卡拉斯加拉頓」

THEODEN “Theodred”

「希優頓」

RED BEARD “Grima Wormtongue”

「葛力馬‧巧言」

HALDIR “Legolas, Son of Thranduil”

」勒苟拉斯、瑟蘭督伊之子」

FRODO “Sam”

「山姆」

NARRATOR Featuring the award-winning visual effects

以本片獲得殊榮的特效團隊

team - that launched the career of one man

讓某人開啟了

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Who must now wear skintight spandex and face

必須全程穿著緊身衣

dots for the rest of his life...

的職業生涯

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Comes... A movie bursting with so much manly

一部充滿了男性互相憐憫

compassion...

的電影

NARRATOR (CONT’D) You’ll think you’re watching Brokeback

你還以為自己在看

Mount Doom…

「末日斷背山」

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

(CONT'D)

A tale that will strive to prove that people of all walks of life can work together...

一個證明不同種族之間也可以團結合作的故事

NARRATOR (CONT’D) As long as they’re all white... Seriously

只要他們都是白人

even when they die, they come back whiter.

說真的，他們就算死了也一樣白

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And an adventure where every lead character

每場冒險，主角總是要面臨同樣的瀕死危機

faces constant mortal danger - but only Sean Bean dies...

但這次只有西恩賓死了

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Gee... haven’t seen that before...

咦，絕對沒有在哪看過...

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Starring.

主演

NARRATOR (CONT’D) A film that took so much of Peter Jackson’s

這部電影花了彼得‧傑克森的大半人生

life - he didn’t want it to end –

他還捨不得結束掉

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Prompting FIVE completely separate endings...

還推出五種完全不同的結局

that go on and on forever...

沒完沒了

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Making it really hard to hold in your pee.

讓你憋不住小便

NARRATOR (CONT’D) A film with such fake emotional stakes - Gandalf

一部欺騙你我感情的電影

will sacrifice himself for his friends, only to somehow come back to life, making

敘述甘道夫為了朋友犧牲自己，卻又莫名其妙地復活

it not really a sacrifice...

這算哪門子犧牲啦

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And a story where the protagonists can’t

一群主角沒辦法靠自己贏得戰爭

win their own battles without convenient Ghost Armies, Living Trees and Magic Eagles...

還得要幽靈大軍、活的樹人和魔法老鷹來救援

PIPPEN “The Eagles are coming!”

「老鷹來幫我們了」

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Ughh, I can’t believe we’re only half

我真不敢相信，這部彼得‧傑克森的宅男寶典

way through this Peter Jackson nerdgasm.

只拍了一半而已

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Happy Hanukkah Screen Junkies! Make sure to

燭光節快樂！

check out our trailer for Jewish Elf…

歡迎大家來看看我們的猶太精靈預告片

NARRATOR (CONT’D) Oh and if you think I sound different, read

哦，如果你想聽聽我不同的聲音

the description below…

請閱讀底下的描述

NARRATOR (CONT’D) And don’t forget to leave a comment with

別忘了給我留言

something you’d like to hear me say in my epic voice.

指定你想聽我用史詩級美聲說什麼句子