- Are you?

你是真心的嗎？

- Yeah, of course I am.

對啊，我當然是

Traffic was terrible.

路況很糟糕

I'm sorry.

我很抱歉

- I'm just confused as to how "sorry" gives me back

我懷疑「抱歉」兩個字要怎麼彌補

20 minutes of my life.

我生命中那20分鐘

- Uh, well, technically it doesn't

嗯，技術上不行

but you know, it's a nice gesture.

但你知道的，這是一種禮貌

- You know what an even nicer gesture is?

你知道更有禮貌的做法是什麼嗎？

Being on time.

準時

- Okay, noted.

好啦，記住了

Be on time next time.

下次一定會準時

So, how's your morning?

早上過得如何？

- Horrible.

糟透了

I couldn't sleep all night.

我整晚睡不著

- Oh no.

噢不

Why babe?

怎麼會這樣？

- Because you snore.

因為你打呼

- I don't snore.

我不打呼的

- You don't just snore.

你還不只是打呼

You disrupt my entire ecosystem.

你破壞了我整個生態系統

- What, your ecosystem?

什麼？你的生態系統？

- Yeah, my ecosystem.

沒錯，我的生態系統

Okay, my biology.

我的整個生物

You snore so God damn loud,

你打呼超他X大聲

I can feel it in my endoplasmic reticulums.

連我的內質網都聽得到

Hi, can we please order?

你好，我們可以點餐了嗎？

- Uh, okay.

呃，好吧

Other than my hypothetical snoring,

排除我假想的鼾聲不說，

how was your morning?

你的早上過得好嗎？

- Don't do that.

不要這樣

Don't call something that's a fact hypothetical.

不要稱呼「事實」是假想的

- What, it's not a fact.

什麼！這又不是真的

- Well, it's not my opinion, so,

這個嘛，這不是我的意見，所以

wait, and you mean, "how was my morning,"

等等，你是問我「早上還好嗎」？

other than the fact that you wasted my time

如果不考慮你浪費我的時間，

and my endoplasmic reticulums are doing the Harlem Shake?

還有我的內質網在哈林搖？

Other than those two things, how was my morning?

不考慮這兩件事的話，我的早上還好嗎？

Is that what you mean?

你是這個意思嗎？

- Yes?

對？

- Well, I walked into the washroom this morning

這個嘛，我今天早上走進廁所

and there was water all over the God damn counter.

流理臺那裡他X都是水

What the f did you do in there?

你在那裡搞什麼？

Free Willy?

威鯨闖天關？(註：Willy，男子性器官的俚語)

- (chuckles) I mean, technically I did free my willy.

(笑)我是說，技術上來說我的確解放了一下，

Yeah, I mean.

嗯，我是說

- Is that a penis joke?

這是某種老二笑話嗎？

Well, let's say that your hypothetical penis

好，我們假設你假想的「老二」

was a sea animal.

是一隻海生動物

It definitely wouldn't be a whale, okay?

它絕不會是鯨魚好嗎？

It would be some sort of shrimp, like a squid

應該是某種小蝦，像烏賊

that gets scared too easily and squirts too early.

太容易受驚嚇所以太早噴汁

- Did you just air quote my penis?

你剛剛憑空引用了我的老二嗎？

Did I say something to you?

我有說錯什麼嗎？

Why are you mad at me?

你幹嘛對我生氣？

- Who the hell squeezes the toothpaste

是誰從管口

from the top of the tube?

擠牙膏的？

You're supposed to squeeze from the bottom, you moron.

你應該從底下開始擠啊，笨蛋

- You have never had a problem

你之前對我擠牙膏的方式

with my toothpaste pressing before.

從來就沒有問題啊

- You don't look good in yellow.

你穿黃色很難看

- You bought me this shirt.

這件是你買給我的耶

- And now you look like a demented Simpsons character

現在你看起來像從謝爾比維爾來的

from Shelbyville.

瘋狂辛普森角色

Yeah, like Barney banged a Ms. Krabappel and you popped out.

就像巴尼痛毆陳趾鹹，你突然出現一樣

Hi, yeah, how are you?

嗨，對，你好嗎？

Could I please have the veggie burger?

請幫我點一份蔬菜堡

Looks great.

看起來很好吃

Um, and whatever the f he wants.

嗯，隨便他要吃什麼

Preferably something low in sodium,

最好鈉含量低一點

because he's already so salty.

因為他已經夠苦澀了(註：salty指苦澀、沮喪)

- I'll take the pork.

我要點豬肉

- Of course you will, pig.

當然，你這隻豬

- What's the matter with you?

你到底怎麼了？

- I'll tell you what's wrong with me, okay.

我告訴你我怎麼了，行嗎

When you kiss me, I feel like a small fish

你親我的時候，我覺得我就像一條小魚

getting eaten by a bigger fish.

被一條大魚吃掉

This is my mouth inside your mouth.

這是我的嘴巴，在你嘴巴裡面

- No, no it's not.

不，才不是

- No, yeah, it is.

才怪，就是這樣

Okay, you engulf me.

你吞噬了我

You're like the Bermuda Triangle of kissers.

你就像接吻者的百慕達三角洲

If I go missing, everyone, search his esophagus.

所有人，如果我失蹤了，找他的食道

- You always said I was a great kisser.

你一直都說我接吻技術很棒

- Yeah, I also said you were my first

對，我也說過你是我的初吻

and I like your mother.

我也喜歡你媽

People say things.

客套話

- You don't like my mother?

你不喜歡我媽？

- She peeled the plastic off my new phone

她把我新手機的塑膠膜撕開了

before I even had a chance.

我都來不及阻止

Who peels someone's new protective plastic off?

誰會把人家新的塑膠保護膜撕掉啊？

- You hate my mother because she peeled your plastic?

你恨我媽就因為她撕了你的塑膠膜？

- You're damn straight and maybe, just saying,

你說對了，而且或許，只是說說

if she was better at keeping the plastic on,

如果她保存塑膠膜的技術好一點

she wouldn't have had an accidental child.

她就不會意外生出你了

- Oh my God, you are totally out of line.

我的天啊，你太超過了

- I don't think your father's your father.

我覺得你爸不是你爸

There, I said it.

我說出來了

- What?

什麼？

- Are you kidding me, both of your parents have brown eyes

你在跟我開玩笑嗎？你父母的眼睛都是棕色的

and your eyes are blue.

你的卻是藍色

- But these are from my grandfather.

但是這是從我祖父那來的

- They're from an affair.

是外遇來的

- Okay, alright, I give up.

好，算了，我放棄

Let's just, let's just eat,

我們...我們就吃東西

and then give each other some space.

然後給對方一些空間

- Of course you give up.

你當然會放棄

That's what you do.

你最會了

That's why you never get promoted

這就是為什麼你永遠沒辦法升遷

and Raaj Kumar's your manager.

而且Raaj Kumar還是你經理

Oh my God, not even racism can help you.

我的天，就連種族歧視都幫不了你

- Raaj Kumar is my senior.

Raaj Kumar是我的前輩

That's why he got the promotion.

所以他才被升遷

That's the only reason.

只是因為這樣

- If we both went to the airport right now,

如果我們現在都去機場

you would be the one to get randomly searched.

你會是被隨機搜身的那個

That's how much you suck.

你就是這麼惹人厭

They're gonna take their hand

他們會伸手

and stick it right up your butt

插進你屁股

and I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?

但我賭你喜歡這樣，不是嗎？

- Wow.

哇

- To be real, I'm not even sure if I love you.

老實說，我甚至不確定愛不愛你

I know I said it in the card I gave you but

我知道我送你的卡片裡有說，不過

it was on sale.

它那時候在特價

Hey, babe, I'm sorry for all the stuff I said.

嘿寶貝，對不起，我說的那些話

I didn't mean it.

都不是認真的

I think I was just hungry.

我想我只是餓了

So good.

真好吃

- What's up everyone, it's your girl superwoman.

大家好嗎？我是Superwoman

If you like this video, give it a big thumbs up.

如果喜歡這部影片，幫它按個讚

You know the drill.

你知道怎麼做

The last video over there, second vlog channel over there

最新的影片在這裡，第二個影音部落格頻道在這裡

and you should subscribe.

你們應該要訂閱

I make new videos every Monday and Thursday.

我每周一和周四會上傳新的影片

Now, preorder my book, How To Be A Bawse.

現在可以預購我的新書囉，【How To Be A Bawse】

That is a wrap and zoom.

收工啦再會！