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  • - I am so sorry I'm late, babe.

    抱歉我遲到了,寶貝

  • - Are you?

    你是真心的嗎?

  • - Yeah, of course I am.

    對啊,我當然是

  • Traffic was terrible.

    路況很糟糕

  • I'm sorry.

    我很抱歉

  • - I'm just confused as to how "sorry" gives me back

    我懷疑「抱歉」兩個字要怎麼彌補

  • 20 minutes of my life.

    我生命中那20分鐘

  • - Uh, well, technically it doesn't

    嗯,技術上不行

  • but you know, it's a nice gesture.

    但你知道的,這是一種禮貌

  • - You know what an even nicer gesture is?

    你知道更有禮貌的做法是什麼嗎?

  • Being on time.

    準時

  • - Okay, noted.

    好啦,記住了

  • Be on time next time.

    下次一定會準時

  • So, how's your morning?

    早上過得如何?

  • - Horrible.

    糟透了

  • I couldn't sleep all night.

    我整晚睡不著

  • - Oh no.

    噢不

  • Why babe?

    怎麼會這樣?

  • - Because you snore.

    因為你打呼

  • - I don't snore.

    我不打呼的

  • - You don't just snore.

    你還不只是打呼

  • You disrupt my entire ecosystem.

    你破壞了我整個生態系統

  • - What, your ecosystem?

    什麼?你的生態系統?

  • - Yeah, my ecosystem.

    沒錯,我的生態系統

  • Okay, my biology.

    我的整個生物

  • You snore so God damn loud,

    你打呼超他X大聲

  • I can feel it in my endoplasmic reticulums.

    連我的內質網都聽得到

  • Hi, can we please order?

    你好,我們可以點餐了嗎?

  • - Uh, okay.

    呃,好吧

  • Other than my hypothetical snoring,

    排除我假想的鼾聲不說,

  • how was your morning?

    你的早上過得好嗎?

  • - Don't do that.

    不要這樣

  • Don't call something that's a fact hypothetical.

    不要稱呼「事實」是假想的

  • - What, it's not a fact.

    什麼!這又不是真的

  • - Well, it's not my opinion, so,

    這個嘛,這不是我的意見,所以

  • wait, and you mean, "how was my morning,"

    等等,你是問我「早上還好嗎」?

  • other than the fact that you wasted my time

    如果不考慮你浪費我的時間,

  • and my endoplasmic reticulums are doing the Harlem Shake?

    還有我的內質網在哈林搖?

  • Other than those two things, how was my morning?

    不考慮這兩件事的話,我的早上還好嗎?

  • Is that what you mean?

    你是這個意思嗎?

  • - Yes?

    對?

  • - Well, I walked into the washroom this morning

    這個嘛,我今天早上走進廁所

  • and there was water all over the God damn counter.

    流理臺那裡他X都是水

  • What the f did you do in there?

    你在那裡搞什麼?

  • Free Willy?

    威鯨闖天關?(註:Willy,男子性器官的俚語)

  • - (chuckles) I mean, technically I did free my willy.

    (笑)我是說,技術上來說我的確解放了一下,

  • Yeah, I mean.

    嗯,我是說

  • - Is that a penis joke?

    這是某種老二笑話嗎?

  • Well, let's say that your hypothetical penis

    好,我們假設你假想的「老二」

  • was a sea animal.

    是一隻海生動物

  • It definitely wouldn't be a whale, okay?

    它絕不會是鯨魚好嗎?

  • It would be some sort of shrimp, like a squid

    應該是某種小蝦,像烏賊

  • that gets scared too easily and squirts too early.

    太容易受驚嚇所以太早噴汁

  • - Did you just air quote my penis?

    你剛剛憑空引用了我的老二嗎?

  • Did I say something to you?

    我有說錯什麼嗎?

  • Why are you mad at me?

    你幹嘛對我生氣?

  • - Who the hell squeezes the toothpaste

    是誰從管口

  • from the top of the tube?

    擠牙膏的?

  • You're supposed to squeeze from the bottom, you moron.

    你應該從底下開始擠啊,笨蛋

  • - You have never had a problem

    你之前對我擠牙膏的方式

  • with my toothpaste pressing before.

    從來就沒有問題啊

  • - You don't look good in yellow.

    你穿黃色很難看

  • - You bought me this shirt.

    這件是你買給我的耶

  • - And now you look like a demented Simpsons character

    現在你看起來像從謝爾比維爾來的

  • from Shelbyville.

    瘋狂辛普森角色

  • Yeah, like Barney banged a Ms. Krabappel and you popped out.

    就像巴尼痛毆陳趾鹹,你突然出現一樣

  • Hi, yeah, how are you?

    嗨,對,你好嗎?

  • Could I please have the veggie burger?

    請幫我點一份蔬菜堡

  • Looks great.

    看起來很好吃

  • Um, and whatever the f he wants.

    嗯,隨便他要吃什麼

  • Preferably something low in sodium,

    最好鈉含量低一點

  • because he's already so salty.

    因為他已經夠苦澀了(註:salty指苦澀、沮喪)

  • - I'll take the pork.

    我要點豬肉

  • - Of course you will, pig.

    當然,你這隻豬

  • - What's the matter with you?

    你到底怎麼了?

  • - I'll tell you what's wrong with me, okay.

    我告訴你我怎麼了,行嗎

  • When you kiss me, I feel like a small fish

    你親我的時候,我覺得我就像一條小魚

  • getting eaten by a bigger fish.

    被一條大魚吃掉

  • This is my mouth inside your mouth.

    這是我的嘴巴,在你嘴巴裡面

  • - No, no it's not.

    不,才不是

  • - No, yeah, it is.

    才怪,就是這樣

  • Okay, you engulf me.

    你吞噬了我

  • You're like the Bermuda Triangle of kissers.

    你就像接吻者的百慕達三角洲

  • If I go missing, everyone, search his esophagus.

    所有人,如果我失蹤了,找他的食道

  • - You always said I was a great kisser.

    你一直都說我接吻技術很棒

  • - Yeah, I also said you were my first

    對,我也說過你是我的初吻

  • and I like your mother.

    我也喜歡你媽

  • People say things.

    客套話

  • - You don't like my mother?

    你不喜歡我媽?

  • - She peeled the plastic off my new phone

    她把我新手機的塑膠膜撕開了

  • before I even had a chance.

    我都來不及阻止

  • Who peels someone's new protective plastic off?

    誰會把人家新的塑膠保護膜撕掉啊?

  • - You hate my mother because she peeled your plastic?

    你恨我媽就因為她撕了你的塑膠膜?

  • - You're damn straight and maybe, just saying,

    你說對了,而且或許,只是說說

  • if she was better at keeping the plastic on,

    如果她保存塑膠膜的技術好一點

  • she wouldn't have had an accidental child.

    她就不會意外生出你了

  • - Oh my God, you are totally out of line.

    我的天啊,你太超過了

  • - I don't think your father's your father.

    我覺得你爸不是你爸

  • There, I said it.

    我說出來了

  • - What?

    什麼?

  • - Are you kidding me, both of your parents have brown eyes

    你在跟我開玩笑嗎?你父母的眼睛都是棕色的

  • and your eyes are blue.

    你的卻是藍色

  • - But these are from my grandfather.

    但是這是從我祖父那來的

  • - They're from an affair.

    是外遇來的

  • - Okay, alright, I give up.

    好,算了,我放棄

  • Let's just, let's just eat,

    我們...我們就吃東西

  • and then give each other some space.

    然後給對方一些空間

  • - Of course you give up.

    你當然會放棄

  • That's what you do.

    你最會了

  • That's why you never get promoted

    這就是為什麼你永遠沒辦法升遷

  • and Raaj Kumar's your manager.

    而且Raaj Kumar還是你經理

  • Oh my God, not even racism can help you.

    我的天,就連種族歧視都幫不了你

  • - Raaj Kumar is my senior.

    Raaj Kumar是我的前輩

  • That's why he got the promotion.

    所以他才被升遷

  • That's the only reason.

    只是因為這樣

  • - If we both went to the airport right now,

    如果我們現在都去機場

  • you would be the one to get randomly searched.

    你會是被隨機搜身的那個

  • That's how much you suck.

    你就是這麼惹人厭

  • They're gonna take their hand

    他們會伸手

  • and stick it right up your butt

    插進你屁股

  • and I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?

    但我賭你喜歡這樣,不是嗎?

  • - Wow.

  • - To be real, I'm not even sure if I love you.

    老實說,我甚至不確定愛不愛你

  • I know I said it in the card I gave you but

    我知道我送你的卡片裡有說,不過

  • it was on sale.

    它那時候在特價

  • Hey, babe, I'm sorry for all the stuff I said.

    嘿寶貝,對不起,我說的那些話

  • I didn't mean it.

    都不是認真的

  • I think I was just hungry.

    我想我只是餓了

  • So good.

    真好吃

  • - What's up everyone, it's your girl superwoman.

    大家好嗎?我是Superwoman

  • If you like this video, give it a big thumbs up.

    如果喜歡這部影片,幫它按個讚

  • You know the drill.

    你知道怎麼做

  • The last video over there, second vlog channel over there

    最新的影片在這裡,第二個影音部落格頻道在這裡

  • and you should subscribe.

    你們應該要訂閱

  • I make new videos every Monday and Thursday.

    我每周一和周四會上傳新的影片

  • Now, preorder my book, How To Be A Bawse.

    現在可以預購我的新書囉,【How To Be A Bawse】

  • That is a wrap and zoom.

    收工啦再會!

- I am so sorry I'm late, babe.

抱歉我遲到了,寶貝

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