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  • On a first date with someone we like, we really wantof coursefor the evening to

  • go well. There are many, varied bits of advice in circulation: don’t do all the talking;

  • be funny and light; ask them about themselves; don’t pry; select a small, perhaps Italian

  • restaurant; leave a generous tip; wear nice shoes. Were understandably nervous: we

  • are trying to do something which is very strange and tricky: seduce another person. Not so

  • much in the narrow and (potentially sinister) sense of trying to beguile them into having

  • sex with usbut in a larger, more fundamental way of getting them to like us. A date is,

  • in essence, an audition. Much more than we usually admit, were trying to imagine each

  • other as prospective long-term partners. Seduction, in its larger more important sense, means

  • gradually persuading someone that were a plausible candidate with whom to be in a

  • relationship. The question then is: what are the things that might properly show us in

  • this light? What do we need to do to get them on board? There are two central priorities.

  • The first is to show that we have a good relationship to ourselves. This doesn’t involve saying

  • how wonderful we are or what exciting lives we lead. Our culture hints that it might be

  • seductive to say things like ‘I love Paris’s museumsor ‘I am excellent at swimming

  • in moonlit lakes’. But such statements don’t really convey that we will be pleasant (or

  • even bearable) to live with day-to-day. On the contrary, what makes us attractive as

  • a potential partner is the degree to which we can recognise our own failings. It’s

  • not that we should exhibit our flaws: getting furious with the waiter, starting to weep

  • about an old friend who let us down or going on throughout the first course about an insult

  • at work that happened years ago. This is weakness unbound, given total victory. What is really

  • sweet and charmingthat is, powerfully reassuringis weakness handled strongly.

  • For example, it can be hugely seductive to drop in, with an air of confidence and wit:

  • You know, coming here made me a bit nervous’. That’s a sign both of insight and strength.

  • Were not simply being nervous (gulping down a cocktail or frantically insisting that

  • the decor is wonderful); we are vulnerable but have an overview on our anxieties and

  • the capacity to handle them lightly. It can be equally seductive to mention, in passing:

  • As you can imagine, after that, I had a little temper tantrum with myselfbut in

  • a profoundly calm and smiling tone that indicates both an accurate ability to dislike oneself

  • at points and a mature ability to digest and learn from one’s less impressive moments.

  • At the heart of seductive self-revelation is the idea: ‘I’m a touch crazy, of course,

  • but very much sane enough to tell you about it in a modest and un-hysterical way.’ Were

  • indicating that we have the best possible relationship with our own shadow sides. The

  • second hugely seductive move is to signal that we view the other person with a mixture

  • of tenderness and realism. It’s often imagined that itll be seductive to convey an air

  • of adoration, to hint that the other strikes us as exceptionally attractive or accomplished.

  • But surprisingly, it is deeply worrying to be obviously adored, because everyone, from

  • the inside, knows very well that they don’t deserve intense acclaim, are often disappointing

  • and sometimes quite simply pitiful. So seduction involves suggesting both that one likes the

  • other person a lotand yet can see their frailty quite clearly, that one can cope with

  • them and forgive them with gentle indulgence. One might, towards the end of the evening

  • drop in a small warm tease that alludes to our understanding of some less than perfect

  • side of them: ‘I suppose you stayed under the duvet feeling a bit sorry for yourself

  • after that?’ we might ask, with a benign smile. Such a gesture implies that we like

  • another person not under a mistaken notion that they are flawless but with a full and

  • unfrightened appreciation of their frailties. That ends up being powerfully seductive because

  • it is, first and foremost, reassuring. It suggests the ideal way that we would like

  • someone to view us within the testing conditions of a real relationship. We crave not admiration,

  • but to be properly known and yet still liked and forgiven. Many things are in the moment

  • excitingbut self-knowledge and perceptive generosity are the most properly seductive

  • things in the world; because they are what make life with another person bearable. They

  • are what indicate that we have what it would take to embark on a long, exciting, beautiful

  • and intermittently extremely painful journey beyond the first date.

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On a first date with someone we like, we really wantof coursefor the evening to

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如何在約會中勾引別人 (How to Seduce Someone on a Date)

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    Renee Yeung 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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