We wake up dispirited and listless.

我們睡覺醒來無精打采

We lack energy and direction.

我們缺乏能量和方向

Everything loses its taste and the smallest challenges feel unfeasibly heavy.

我們覺得什麼東西都失去味道，就連最小的挑戰都覺得異常艱難。

We struggle to see the point of almost anything.

我們努力想要看清任何事物

We are – as the doctors may tell us – in a state of severe depression.

我們，就如同醫生告訴我們的，處在嚴重憂鬱的狀態

One of the strangest but most provocative insights about depression is to be found in the works of psychoanalysis

對憂鬱的看法中最奇怪也最受爭議的觀點之一，是由心理分析發現的

that tell us that depression may not at heart be about sadness;

它告訴我們憂鬱可能不是打從心裡感到悲傷

it is a kind of anger that has been unable to find expression,

而是一種憤怒，那種憤怒早已沒辦法表達

that has turned in on itself, and made us sad about everything and everyone

而我們已經將憤怒轉向自己，使我們對每件事情、每個人感到難過

when we are in truth – deep down – angry only about certain specific things and specific people.

然而事實上，我們在內心深處，只是對於某位特殊的人或事感到憤怒

If only we could understand our disappointment and rage more intimately,

若我們能夠更深刻理解我們內心的失望和憤怒

we could – the theory holds – eventually regain our spirits.

我們就可以，如同理論所說的，最終重獲新生

It isn't existence per se that has let us down,

真正使我們沮喪的，本質上不存在

it is a few particular events and actors whose precise identity we have lost sight of.

它是藉由少數同質性高的特定事件和人物使我們蒙蔽了雙眼

The theory at once begs questions.

這個理論一開始備受質疑。

How is it possible that we be both profoundly angry and yet unaware of the causes or direction of our annoyance?

我們怎麼可能同時生氣又沒發覺我們惱怒的原因呢？

However, this lack of self-knowledge is, in terms of our overall mental functioning,

然而這種不自知的情況，以我們整體心理運作而言

not entirely surprising or anomalous.

一點都令人不意外

We are endemically bad at keeping close tabs on the origin and nature of many of our feelings.

我們很難仔細監督我們原始的自然反應

We can laugh deeply and yet struggle to explain exactly why something has set us off.

我們可以發自內心地笑，但是很難去解釋到底什麼使我們發笑

We can find a landscape beautiful, a person charming or a film nostalgia-inducing

我們覺得一個景色很美、一個人很有吸引力，或者，一部電影引起鄉愁

without having any secure hold on the detailed mechanics of our responses.

而我們沒有對自身確切反應機制有絕對把握

Understanding has an established habit of trailing far behind feeling.

理性有個長久的習慣，就是遠跟在感性後頭

It isn't just around sadness and despair that we can be strangers to ourselves.

我們不只是在悲傷或絕望時，我們才對自己感到陌生

But there is another more pointed reason why we can lose touch with our anger:

因為還有其他情況，說明為何我們會和憤怒失去聯繫

because we have been taught, probably since earliest childhood, that it isn't very nice to be angry.

因為我們可能從小就被教導，生氣是很不好的

Anger violates our image of ourselves as kindly and sympathetic people.

憤怒違背了我們和善、具有同理心的形象

It can be too painful and guilt-inducing to acknowledge that we may feel furious and vengeful, not least towards people whom we otherwise still love and who might have made many sacrifices on our behalves .

承認我們可能會感到憤怒和懷有復仇心，這太痛苦又有罪惡感，不只是對我們仍舊愛著的人懷有報復心，還有對那些為我們做出犧牲的人。

What we are angry about may also sound absurd.

我們對於什麼事情生氣，可能也聽起來很荒謬

Perhaps we have been hurt by the sort of thing that could be unhelpfully dismissed as "small" and which we learn not to pay attention to because we imagine ourselves as strong and above being slighted by petty injuries;

或許我們早就被那種被我們當作很「小」的事情傷害過，而我們從中學習到，不要注意這種小事，因為我們想像我們自己很堅強，而且免於被瑣碎的傷害輕視；

injuries which wound us substantially just the same.

即使這種小傷痛和之前的傷痛，傷我們一樣深

Lastly, we might be bad at getting angry because we haven't seen examples of successful expressions of anger around us.

最後，我們可能不「擅長」生氣因為不曾在身邊看過成功的生氣表現

We might associate the word with volcanic crazed destruction, as dangerous as it is counterproductive.

我們可能將生氣跟火山爆發連結在一起，因為都會產生不良效果，都一樣危險。

Or else we might have lived for too long surrounded by people who never dared to raise their voices

或者，我們可能早就長久生活在那些不敢大小聲的人們身邊

and bitterly swallowed every hurt instead.

並且苦苦地吞下每一種傷害

We have not learnt the art of a controlled and cathartic conversation.

我們還沒學會拿捏、傾吐談話的藝術

The way out of this sort of depression is to realize that its alternative isn't cheerfulness, but mourning.

逃離這種低潮的方法就要去理解到，它的替代方法不是鼓勵，而是哀悼

Mourning is a useful word for it indicates a focused kind of grief over an identifiable kind of loss.

哀悼是個有用的詞彙，因為這暗示了一種悲哀，它聚焦於一種可以辨識出來的失落

As "mourners", we turn boundless, unnameable sadness into much more specific hurt:

身為一個哀悼者，我們將無邊際、不能言喻的悲傷變得更加鮮明的傷痛

a hurt about the parent who wasn't there for us,

一個父母不在的傷痛

about the sibling who mocked us,

一個手足嘲笑我們的傷痛

the lover who betrayed us,

一個愛人背叛我們的傷痛

the friend who lied.

朋友說謊的傷痛

It isn't necessarily always an idea to go out and confront these people.

出去應對這些人們，不是個必要的想法

Some of them may already be dead anyway.

畢竟有些人可能早就入土為安了

But mulling over what's happened and becoming conscious of the full scale of our disavowed rage and burden

但是仔細研究發生的事情，並意識到我們的憤怒和負擔的全面

can decisively change our mood all the same.

可以斷然改變我們的情緒

Even as specific relationships and episodes become more complicated in our minds,

即使是特定的關係和意外插曲在我們心裡變得更複雜

life as a whole starts to appear more manageable and hopeful.

總體來說，生活開始變得更能管控並且充滿希望

We're never quite done with the business of knowing our own minds.

而對於瞭解我們心思這件事情，我們做的從來不嫌多