That's a very good Christmas tree.

這棵聖誕樹真好吃

- ANTHONY: Shut up!

-安東尼: 你給我閉嘴！

- NARRATOR: Previously on Food Battle...

-旁白: 本集食物大戰前情提要...

- [whispering] I feel like we're forgetting something.

(竊竊私語) 我總覺得我們好像忘記什麼事了

- I'm unemployed.

-我失業了

- Oh my God, we forgot Food Battle!

-喔我的天啊，我們完全忘記食物大戰了！

(man screaming, car crashing)

(慘叫聲+車子撞毀聲)

- My new favorite food, pink frosted sprinkled donut.

-我最愛的食物，粉紅糖霜甜甜圈

- (screams)

-(低吼叫)

(dramatic music playing)

(戲劇張力十足的音樂)

- You can't have the same food as me!

-你不能跟我選一樣的食物！

- Uh-uh-uh-uh! Mine's vegan.

-呃 呃 呃 呃！我的這個可是素的

- (gasps) Wait, what's the difference?

-(倒抽口氣) 等等，啊是有啥差別喔？

- Oh, if you listen closely,

-喔，如果你仔細聽的話

you can hear the screams of suffering animals.

你可以聽到你甜甜圈裡，那遭慘無人道對待的動物慘叫聲

(faint cries of animals, gun firing)

(動物無力喊叫聲，槍火炮聲)

- So you're gonna do this or what?

-所以我們到底有沒有要比啊？

- Yeah.

-嘿啊

- Well if you think your pink frosted sprinkled donut

-哼，你要是以為你的粉紅糖霜甜甜圈

can do more everyday tasks than my

可以比我的粉紅糖霜甜甜圈

pink frosted sprinkled donut, then you're going down,

完成更多事情，那你可就大錯特錯了

dookie-brown! (eating donut)

你這坨咖啡色的狗屎！(吃甜甜圈)

(heavy metal music plays) Food Battle 2016

(重金屬音樂) 2016年食物大戰

- Let's see your stupid donut be...

-我們來看看你那笨甜甜圈能不能...

...the child you just found out you had

...當成是你跟你高中女友

with your high school girlfriend that you now have

生的小孩，然後你打算用探親權

visitation rights with!

來探望它！

- You're just a little baby donut?

-你這個可愛的甜甜圈小親親

Yes you are. (baby crying)

你就是那摸滴口愛 (嬰兒哭聲)

It works. (ding!)

成功了 (成功！)

Okay, now Daddy needs his peace and quiet.

好啦，現在爸爸呢，需要一點點安靜的空間喔

(window breaks, cars crash)

(窗戶破裂聲、車子撞毀聲)

(alarms wailing, people screaming, flames crackling)

(警鈴響起、尖叫聲、大火爆裂聲)

- REPORTER: Marine biologist Emerson Dibley

-記者: 海洋生物學家艾默森．狄伯利

has discovered a new breed of octopus,

剛剛發現了新的章魚品種

which has two more tentacles than a

牠比一般的章魚還多了

normal octopus, and is being

2隻觸角，因此被

called by specialists in the field...

相關領域的專家稱為...

- Uh, oh no! - REPORTER: ...a squid.

-喔，喔不！ -記者: ...烏賊

- (gags) My baby boy!

-(作嘔) 我的小寶貝！

My baby boy-- (ding!)

我的小寶貝啊...... (成功！)

- Let's do a...

-那我們接下來...

...clone--wait, a clone?

...做複製人... 蛤，複製人？

- What the hell kind of catalogue have we been using? (Cream Cheese And Other Things)

-我們到底一直在用什麼鬼目錄來比賽啊？ (奶油起司和其他瑣碎雜物)

- Huh. - Makes sense.

- Huh -這樣就說得過去了

- Okay, donut, time for you to become my clone.

-好啦，甜甜圈，是時候變成我的複製人啦

(whoosh!)

(whoosh!)

Whoa. I look just like me.

哇嗚，我看起來還真像我

- I do. (punches real Ian)

-沒有錯 (重擊真伊恩)

(ding!)

(成功！)

Oh, Anthony? I'm ready for the Food Battles.

喔，安東尼？我可是已經準備好繼續挑戰食物大戰了喔

(laughs sinisterly)

(邪惡地笑)

- All right, donut, double as my clone.

-聽好了，甜甜圈，變成我的複製人吧

(electricity zaps)

(電擊聲)

- [weakly] Kill me...

- (孱弱叫聲) 殺了我吧...

- (screams)

- (尖叫)

(buzzer)

(失敗)

Are you gonna choose something or what?

啊你現在到底是要選還是不選？

- Okay.

-好喔

- Are you okay?

-你發燒了是不是？

- It feel good to be Ian. (real Ian yells,

-當真伊恩感覺還真不錯 (真伊恩吼叫

punches fake Ian)

重擊假伊恩)

- Hooh, all right.

-呼，好啦

Let's do, um... glue?

我們來試試看，恩...膠水？

- What?

-什麼？

- Let's do glue! - Okay.

-我們來挑戰膠水啦！ -好啦好啦

- Okay, donut, I need to find something

-聽好了，甜甜圈，我需要找樣東西

to break so I can put it back together.

可以讓我破壞，好讓我把它黏回去

Oh, that'll work.

好喔，找到了

- No!

-不可以！

Not my limited edition finger telecaster deluxe

不要拿我那把上面有迪斯科集體瘋狂樂團裡

signed by world-renowned singer, song writer

長得超帥的世界知名歌手兼作曲家

and very handsome man Brendon Urie

布倫登·尤里親筆簽名

from the band Panic! at the Dis--

的限量豪華版手彈電吉他

(heavy metal music plays, guitar breaking)

(重金屬音樂，破壞吉他聲)

(heavy metal music continues)

(重金屬音樂)

- It worked! (buzzer)

-它黏起來了！(失敗，明明就不行)

- All right, donut, please be the glue

-好啦，甜甜圈，拜託你成為

that holds my family together.

我們家人之間的感情修復黏著劑

- Why are the dishes never done when I get home?

-為什麼每次我回到家，碗都丟在那還沒洗？

This place is a God-damn pigsty!

這裡真他媽越來越像豬住的地方了！

- My body is a pigsty because you never satisfy me, sexually.

-我的身體越來越像母豬，還不是因為你在性方面都沒辦法滿足我

- Oh, really... - Please fix this, donut.

-哦，妳還敢... -拜託幫幫我吧，甜甜圈

- Oh, God damn it, Anthony. Stop it.

-喔，你他媽的，安東尼，滾去旁邊玩

- Stop it. - And I told you,

-不要這樣子 -我跟妳講過

I am tired from a long day of work at the office,

-我一整天待在辦公室不斷工作已經夠累了

and, my penis don't work sometimes.

當然我的老二有時候就硬不起來嘛

- And that is why I'm sleeping

-這就是為什麼我選擇跟吉普車上

with Robert from the Jeep!

跟羅伯特搞車震！

- Are you kidding me? Robert?

-妳在跟我開玩笑嗎？羅伯特？

(distant arguing)

(吵架聲不休)

- Oh well. Guess I'm getting

-喔那好吧，那我明年

double Christmas presents next year.

大概可以拿到兩份聖誕節禮物吧

(buzzer)

(失敗)

Let's do... (scrunches paper)

我們來試試... (把紙撕碎)

(dominoes clicking, Ian and Anthony singing)

(骨牌推倒聲，伊恩和安東尼哼著歌)

(bucket clanking, ball rolling, Ian and Anthony continue)

(水桶叮噹作響聲，滾球聲，伊恩和安東尼繼續哼唱)

(flames whooshing, rope breaks)

(火焰點燃聲，繩子斷裂聲)

(both singing)

(兩人繼續哼唱)

A dabbing Harambe!

輕拍著小男孩的哈蘭貝！ (譯註: Harambe是發生在2016年5月美國俄亥俄州辛辛那提動物園，因家長疏忽導致男童跌落大猩猩園區，大猩猩Harambe遭射殺事件)

- Okay!

- 好喔！

All right, donut, I know you can be a dabbing Harambe.

太好了，甜甜圈，我知道你可以變成輕拍小屁孩的哈蘭貝

- Stop!

-住手！

(music plays)

(音樂)

- IAN: Meme police!

-伊恩: 網路爆紅警察！

- You're under arrest for referencing

-你已經被兩名過時的

two outdated memes multiple times!

網路警察通緝很多次了！

- Damn, Daniel! What are those?

-太潮了，丹尼爾！這也太炫了吧？ (譯註: Damn, Daniel的梗是來自兩個美國高中生拍攝Vine時講了這句話，因為很有魔性，在推特上爆紅，甚至還被邀請到艾倫秀)

That boy's back at it again with the white vans.

穿著Vans Authentic白鞋再來一次

(suspenseful music building up)

(懸疑音樂漸趨大聲)

- You're free to Pokémon GO.

-你現在可以「玩精靈寶可夢」了 (譯註: 原本應該是You're free to go「你可以走了」，這裡加上時事梗，Pokémon GO為2016年爆紅的一款手機遊戲)

(music plays) - IAN: Meme police!

(音樂) -伊恩: 網路爆紅警察！

Hah, it worked!

哈，成功了！

(buzzer)

(失敗)

(muffled grunting)

(低沉慘叫)

That hurt.

好痛啊

- C'mon, donut, I know you can be a--

-快點，甜甜圈，我知道你可以變成......

(buzzer)

(失敗)

What? I didn't even get to say any--

為什麼？我都還沒有講......

(buzzer) Come on, I didn't even--

(失敗) 怎麼這樣，我都還沒...

(buzzer) What?

(失敗) 你他媽？

(buzzer) No, I--

(失敗) 欸，我根本就......

(buzzer)

(失敗)

Let's see your stupid pink turd be a...

我們來試試看你那坨粉紅色的大便能不能變成...

- Christmas tree topper!

-聖誕樹上裝飾的星星！

(car crashes, people screaming, alarm wailing)

(車子撞毀聲、尖叫聲、警鈴響起)

Come on, donut. Let's make this day magical.

來吧，甜甜圈，讓我們一起讓今天變成神奇的一天吧

(heavy metal music plays)

(重金屬音樂)

(boxes clattering) Sh*t!

(箱子撞擊聲) 馬的！

(boxes clattering)

(箱子撞擊聲)

(grunting)

(哀嚎)

(screams) (baubles clattering)

(慘叫) (小東西撞擊聲)

(grunting)

(用力的聲音)

(panting)

(喘氣聲)

Hah! (ding!)

哈！(成功！)

What's the matter, man?

怎麼了，兄弟？

Why aren't you making your donut

你為什麼不把你的甜甜圈

be a Christmas tree topper?

掛在聖誕樹上？

You should've seen mine. It was so close, like

你剛剛都沒看到，剛真的超驚險

(imitates grunting) and then I died and I freakin' loved it.

(模仿叫聲) 我差點摔死，但我超愛這樣子的

What's wrong, man?

怎麼了，兄弟？

- Ian, do you ever think about...

-伊恩，你有沒有想過...

...getting older, and... you know...changing?

...人長大了之後...你知道...是不是行為也該有所改變了？

- Like...becoming a butterfly?

-你是說....變成一隻蝴蝶嗎？

'Cause I'm still working on that.

因為我到現在還會扮成蝴蝶飛呀飛

By the way, do you know where I could buy a cocoon?

欸對了，你知道可以在哪邊買到繭嗎？

- No. Why are we still doing Food Battle?

-別鬧了，為什麼我們還一直堅持做食物大戰？

How many times can one person die?

每一次我們都要死掉幾次？

- So far, nine.

-目前為止 9 次吧

And then there's that time we swapped brains

還有一次你記得就是我們交換身體

which kinda felt like dying on the inside.

搞到那一次最後差點死掉

- Okay, but seriously,

-是沒錯，但說真的啦

do you still even wanna do Food Battle?

你真的還想繼續做食物大戰系列的影片嗎？

- (sighs)

- (嘆氣)

I don't know. I don't know, man.

你考倒我了，我也不知道，兄弟

- Yeah... I don't know either.

-對啊... 我也不知道

- Hey. We did have some good times though.

-嘿，但我們過去也真的玩得很開心啊

- Yeah.

-是沒錯啦

- IAN: ♪ I will remember Food ♪

-伊恩唱: ♪ 縱使光陰流逝 ♪

♪ Battle through all the years ♪

♪ 我仍會依然記得食物大戰 ♪

♪ We died so many times ♪

♪ 雖然死過那麼多次 ♪

♪ But are somehow inexplicably still alive ♪

♪ 但最後我們還是很神奇地繼續活著 ♪

♪ Don't try to make sense of any of itttttttt... ♪

♪ 一切不過只求博君一笑...... ♪

(singing)

(發瘋唱)

- Okay, the montage is over.

- 好了啦，回到現實

Ian! - Sorry.

伊恩！ -抱歉

So...do you really wanna end Food Battle...

所以......你真的想.....永遠結束

...forever?

食物大戰嗎？

- Yeah. I think so.

-對啊，我是這樣想的

What do you say we...

我們就把這些...

...toss these donuts and move onto newer things?

...甜甜圈丟掉，去做點新鮮的事情，你說好不好？

- Yeah... like Food War 2017!

-太好了...比方說像2017年食物大戰？

- No. - Sorry.

-不是 -抱歉

Well... what do you say we...

這樣的話... 那我們就離開...

...get out of here, sport?

...這裡，然後去打球吧？

- All right, champ. Let's do it.

-聽你的，冠軍，來吧

- Good-bye, donut. - Good-bye, Food Battle.

-再會了，甜甜圈 -再會了，食物大戰

(dramatic music playing)

(戲劇張力十足的音樂)

(heavy metal music plays)

(重金屬音樂)

- Ian! Ian! Anthony!

-伊恩！伊恩！安東尼！

You just ended Food Battle and I'm out of a job.

你們剛剛結束掉食物大戰的系列，我也剛好失業了

What are you gonna do now?

那你們現在要做什麼呢？

- We're gonna live, damn it.

-我們要他媽的跟一般人一樣活著

We're gonna live.

平凡地活著

- Oh boy, you're gonna live! Can I come?

-喔兄弟，你們要平凡地活著啊，那我可以加入嗎？

- Sure. buddy.

-當然，兄弟

- Get in here. - Oh...

-快來吧 -喔...

Wait...does this mean I'm fully unemployed now?

等一下，那這是不是我表示我完全的失業了呢？

- IAN & ANTHONY: Yep. - ANNOUNCER: F*ck!

-伊恩&安東尼: 沒有錯 -裁判: 幹！

What am I supposed to do?

那我以後要怎麼辦？

- IAN: Foot greaser? - ANNOUNCER: No!

-伊恩: 足部潤滑師？ -裁判: 不要！

- ANTHONY: Clean windows?

-安東尼: 大樓窗戶清潔工？

- ANNOUNCER: I don't do windows.

-裁判: 我最不會擦窗戶了

- IAN: Plumbing? - ANNOUNCER: No!

-伊恩: 水電工？ -裁判: 不要！

- ANTHONY: Paint rocks? - ANNOUNCER: For money?

-安東尼: 石頭彩繪家？ -裁判: 然後拿去賣嗎？

- ANTHONY: Yeah. - ANNOUNCER: No.

-安東尼: 對啊 -裁判: 我才不要

- IAN: Taint tickler?

-伊恩: 心靈治療師？

- ANNOUNCER: I already do that for free.

-裁判: 我早就開始在做了，只是我沒收人家錢

- IAN: Well, you should start charging.

-伊恩: 這樣的話，那你最好現在開始收費

- ANTHONY: Hey guys. Thank you so much for watching

-安東尼: 嘿大家，感謝你們收看這集影片

and supporting Food Battle over all these years.

也很感謝你們一路以來支持食物大戰系列的作品這麼多年

- IAN: Yeah, and we can not wait

-伊恩: 對啊，我們等不及

to show you guys what we have--

要向你們大家.......

- BARNEY: Hey there, kids! It's Barney!

-邦尼: 嘿，孩子們，是我邦尼！

You thought you could end Food Battle without me?

食物大戰系列要結束了，怎麼可以少了我跟大家說再見呢？

I don't think so. (chainsaw whirring)

怎麼可能那麼簡單就結束呢？(電鋸呼呼聲)

I'm gonna cut off your scrotes and wear them as jewelry!

我要把你們的睪丸通通割掉，然後當作珠寶一樣掛在身上！

(Ian and Anthony screaming) (laughs maniacally)

(伊恩和安東尼慘叫) (邪惡笑聲)

So much blood! (Ian and Anthony scream)

好多血啊！(伊恩和安東尼慘叫)

Oh, these are wonderful scrotes.

喔，這兩顆睪丸真漂亮

(suspenseful music plays)

(懸疑音樂)

THE END?

食物大戰系列全劇終？