BILL: Once upon a time, Big Papi belted

so many clutch hits, that his nickname became

his actual name. And you thought that only happened

in pro-wrestling.

In 2004, he carried Boston over the Yankees

in the greatest sports comeback ever.

Then he helped the Red Sox win their first World Series

-in 86 years. -ANNOUNCER: The Boston Red Sox

-are world champions. -BILL: And as we watch Big Papi

lumbering around the bases, it seemed inconceivable

that he'd keep playing at 35, much less 40.

So when he finally started swooning in 2009,

everyone wrote him off by June, including this dumb ass.

Ah, shit. That was me. But at the end of that column,

I did leave a sliver of hope, and of course,

miracles do happen. Big Papi had hundreds

of homers lurking in his goofy body.

Even better, right after the Marathon Bombings in 2013,

he gave Boston's greatest speech since Paul Revere.

-This is our fucking city. -(CROWD CHEERING)

And nobody gonna dictate our freedom.

-(CROWD CHEERING) -Stay strong.

BILL: And then he threw Boston on his back for his third

World Series title, which was really like hell

-freezing over three times. -ANNOUNCER: Big Papi.

-The grand slam. -BILL: So when Papi announced

he would retire after the 2016 season,

Boston fans put our guards up. We saw what happened to Kobe.

ANNOUNCER: Kobe. Three.

BILL: We saw what happened to the Stones during their fifth

through twenty-eighth farewell tours.

But he's having a vintage Big Papi season.

He leads the American League in OPS and he's only the fourth

forty-year-old ever to top thirty homers

and a hundred RBI.

He's an MVP candidate... and he's so damn cuddly.

Naturally, non-Boston fans are groaning about his

enhanced statistics, which isn't anything new.

See, baseball didn't start doling out drug punishments

until 2004. A year earlier, players agreed

to a suspicion-less survey the guaranteed their privacy.

But in 2009, the names of four of the 104 players said to have

tested positive were leaked... including Big Papi.

So much for privacy. So what PDs did those four guys use?

HGH? Heroin? Botox? Viagra with Red Bull?

We'll never know, but that leak tainted Big Papi's career

even though he's passed every single drug test since.

And understandably, he's been a little testy about it

-ever since. -ANNOUNCER: Wow. I don't think

that phone's gonna work anymore.

BILL: So allow me to defend my man, Papi, for a second.

He's been a designated hitter for the past 12 years.

He only bats four to five times per game.

Do you know how easy on your body that is?

For example, last season, CJ McCollum ran nearly 250 miles

on NBA courts. That's like running from Fenway

to somewhere in Jersey. Well, so far, Big Papi

has nearly 300 total bases. That means he's run less than

five miles total in five months. That's like running from Fenway

to the Dunkin' Donuts in Dorchestah.

Really the DH is the dumbest job in sports except for the dude

who coordinates LeBron’s handshakes.

And as much as I want to abolish the stupid DH,

I gotta admit I love watching Big Papi.

Basically, I'm like an Orthodox Jew

with a pet pig. The position I despise the most

has allowed my favorite baseball player

to keep thriving, and if people still think

he's cheating, I have an idea. Hey, Papi. Invite reporters

to stand in front of your locker before the next game.

Pull your pants down, whip Little Papi out,

fill up a couple of piss samples and hand them out

to the horrified media members. Tell them to test your piss.

You'll come out clean. Everyone can shut the hell up.

Maybe then they'll realize that you're one of the three

greatest lefty hitters of the past 50 years

and that you're on Boston's post-1970 Mount Rushmore

along with Bobby, Tommy, and Larry; and that you're

having one of the best farewell tours ever.

Screw it. I vote that we do it again next year.

(CROWD CHANTING "PAPI")