that I wanted to roast a big city police department

and the only one to step up and say yes

was the home of America's very first police force,

Bah-ston,

a city that I've loved since going to college there,

but on the morning I arrived,

an officer was shot and tensions were running high.

- You know, this individual just shot one of our officers

and the officers were able to tackle him

and not use deadly force.

- I don't know the details of what happened in Dorchester

but cop gets shot, they could have--

they could have killed the guy.

His partner could have killed the guy.

- You know, the officers ran him down and tackled him

when they could have used deadly force.

I like to say, uh, you know,

we're a compassionate department

and we care about human life

and I think the public realizes that.

- Boston used to have a bad reputation.

- Well, when I came on the job we had 160 homicides.

We had 38 this year.

Chicago had 500, Baltimore had 344,

so the stricter gun laws and the community work we're doing

is really making a difference.

- Why would you let me come in

and roast the Boston Police Department?

- Well, I would because, you know,

I want to break the stereotype out there that,

you know, we're the bad guys.

- Right.

- I want people to see that what's playing out

across the nation

isn't what the Boston Police are.

We don't mind you making fun of us,

because I want the public to know we're real people.

[sniffs] - You got a nose for crime.

- I know.

- And ears for it too.

[laughter]

Now that the brass was on board,

I was revved up and ready

to address the rank and file

during an afternoon roll call

and give 'em a few laughs before they hit the streets.

[whistling melody]

How are you, everybody?

I'll make this quick 'cause I know most of you

are double-parked.

Thank you for letting me come here.

This is really cool.

I've never performed in front

of an entire roomful of YouTube celebrities before.

This'll be so much better if you guys just came

into the middle of the [bleep] room.

All right, fine.

You guys also have a rich criminal history in this town.

You had the Boston Tea Party here,

Whitey Bulger was from here,

Tom Brady's from here.

[police grumble]

Oh, come on, that one

really let the air out of the room, huh?

And let's be real,

if Whitey Bulger's name had been Blackie Bulger

they would have caught him a lot quicker.

Jesus Christ.

There's obviously a problem

between the cops and the community

across the country right now and that's what I'm here,

because that really bothers me,

and it really bothers me

when some people say that all cops are racist.

Of course that's not true.

Most of you are just dicks to everybody.

All right.

[chuckles]

All right, well...

Thanks for coming.

All right.

Thanks you guys.

Holy shit, that sucked.

Hasn't there been enough bombing in Boston?

Well, it turns out that right before I got to town,

the policemen's union found a picture of me

at that Black Lives Matter rally

and profiled me as a cop-hater.

They even posted a bulletin in all the precincts

and sent an email to every cop in town

telling them to stay away from me.

With no cameras allowed, I spent hours

negotiating my comedy special out of a hostage situation.