I'm 80% happy for you and the other 20% is the suppressed jealousy because I'm so alone.

我八成為你開心，但是另外兩成在壓抑我的妒意，因為我孤家寡人。

Oh, I'm so nervous for my boyfriend to meet you two disasters.

喔，讓我男友見你們這兩個大災難實在讓我很緊張。

Oh, there's something I read on the internet that I don't quite have all the details for.

喔，我在網路上讀到了一篇文章但細節我不是很清楚。

But, if true, I find outrageous!

不過如果是真的，我無法接受！

Wow...

哇...

Oh, ah, going to meet my boyfriend outside so he's less intimidated.

啊，我去外面接我男友以免他感到害怕畏縮。

[If meeting her friends were honest]

「如果與她朋友見面是完全真誠的」

I am so disappointed that you're late.

你遲到讓我很失望。

Oh, making up excuses about parking and traffic that aren't true at all.

說一些停車啊、塞車啊的藉口，但其實都是唬爛。

Ok, 15 seconds summaries about my friends, and their backgrounds, and words of encouragement because I need to believe them myself...

好，我會在 15 秒內講完關於我的朋友、他們的背景還有鼓勵的話因為我知道我也需要相信這些事情...

Ohh, aggressive intimacy!

過於挑釁的擁抱！

If you impress me, I'll be your biggest asset in this relationship.

如果你能得到我芳心我肯定能罩你們愛情。

Uh, we have nothing to talk about...

好吧...顯然我們無話可說...

ummm...

痾...

Internally comparing you to all her ex-boyfriends.

我默默地在心裡比較你和她所有的前男友。

Oh, uh, politely asking what you do for work, but I'm really checking to see if you're a deadbeat or not.

對了，我要問你從事什麼工作，不過我其實只是想知道你是不是個遊手好閒人啦。

Oversimplifying my job to the point of inaccuracy, just so you understand.

以便你能聽懂，我用超級簡化的，甚至是錯的方法敘述我的工作。

I know people like to talk about themselves.

人嘛，總是愛講自己的事。

Yeah, uh, playing myself up.

努力刷一下存在感。

Talking about all the activities I do to distract from the gaping hole that is my life.

像是我總愛講我做了哪些事，為了不去想太多人生帶給我的空虛。

Launching into a detailed explanation of something that nobody...

仔細解釋那些沒有人...

Interrupting you because I feel like a mediator and you tend to go on and on...

我要打斷你了，因為我感覺像是個調解人，而你總是無止盡的廢話......

Robbie, prodding about something you love 'cause I need you to smile and not look like such an asshole.

Robbie，說些你愛的事，然後笑一個吧！你那副嘴臉快讓我受不了！

Yeah, if you hurt her, I will kill you.

如果你傷害她，我會殺了你。

Relating that to something I know about Kelsey, so you guys know I listen.

講一些跟 Kelsey 有關的事，這樣你們就知道我有在聽她說話。

Ahh, positive things about Kelsey.

喔...Kelsey 的優點。

Yeah, she's all we have in common.

如果不是因為她，我才不想認識你們。

Maneuvering into a conversation about something that I just read on the internet!

用我剛剛在網路上看到的文章來當作話題好了。

I was just talking about that!

我剛剛才提到這個！

Well, then I'll try out a potentially offensive joke.

好，那我來嘗試說個會冒犯人的笑話。

(Laughing)

「笑」

Trying not to be a stick in the mud, but definitely offended.

我不想當個無聊古板的人，但是我確實被冒犯了。

I like you better now that I know you're a hater too.

現在知道你也是酸民，我突然變得比較喜歡你。

Okay, defending Chris's joke.

很好，我來為 Chris 的笑話辯護。

Trying not to seem too emotionally overworked by politics.

嘗試不要因為政治而過份情緒激動。

Ahh, apologizing even though I totally don't mean it.

喔，要說個抱歉，儘管我不是真心的想道歉。

Ohh, um, I'd like to get drunk in the morning.

嗯...今早我要來買個醉了。

Joke at Kelsey's expense.

拿 Kelsey 來開玩笑 。（直譯：這笑話由 Kelsey 買單）

I mean, joke at Kelsey's expense.

對啊，讓 Kelsey 來買單就好。

(Laughing)

「歡笑」

Wondering why I hate y‘all all of a sudden.

我在思考為什麼我突然恨你們大家。

Negative things about Kelsey.

講關於 Kelsey 負面的話。

No, negative things about Kelsey.

對，就是講關於 Kelsey 負面的話。

Eh, negative things about Kelsey.

呃，關於 Kelsey 負面的話。

Trying not to seem outrageous. Glad you guys are all getting along.

試著不要表現出我快發瘋，真高興你們能相處融洽。

Alcohol.

喝酒吧。

Alcohol makes us friends!

以酒會友！