Hi there my pretty chickens!

好的好的 能弄這個我超興奮的

let me first introduce myself. My name's Jon Cozart,

我漂亮的雞雞們(jon對粉絲的暱稱)大家好~

you may not recognize me because now that it's 2016, I'm a

讓我先自我介紹一下，我叫Jon Cozart

BRAND NEW ME, baby!

你可能會認不出我因為現在是2016年

hey, okay. Enough. Every year I end up breaking a ton

所以親愛的，這是一個全!新!的!我!!!

new years resolutions like last year I told myself

耶！好了，夠了

"Jon, okay, stop doing so much strenuous activity,

每一年我都打破以噸計的新年計劃

you're gonna hurt yourself", and then I ended up working out all year and got super hot so...

像上一年，我告訴自己：「Jon，好了，不要再做這麼多運動了你可能會傷到自己」

2016 is the year of Jon Cozart.

然後最終我還是整年都運動了 所以我變的超帥的(熱的雙關語)

It's my year.

所以嘛。。。

My year!

2016年是屬於Jon Conzart的

It is my year according to my manager and my mother.

是我的！我的！

And yeah I'm choosing to ignore that fact that my manager has to love me because of mo-

(2016)是屬於我的，根據我的經紀人和我的媽媽

I spent New Year's in Austin

我選擇無視我的經紀人看在錢的份上必須愛我這個事實

and midnight was a bit of a mess... I'll get to that a little later,

我在奧斯汀(德州的首都)度過了新年

but during the day I met up with all of my old college buddies

半夜的時候有一點混亂，我等一下再說這個

we had a ten event decathlon, we competed against each other,

那一天，我跟以前大學的同學有個聚會

head to head to figure out who was the best human being.

我們進行了一系列的比賽

Uh... we started with bowling.

我們互相競爭

Right now it's a dead heat between me and Marshal for the win,

一對一，要找出最厲害的那一位

we're on the tenth frame.

我們從保齡球開始

Survivor, friendly islands.

現在我和marshall之間的比賽進入白熱化的階段 要爭出勝負

Pause. I realize watching strangers bowl is kind of boring,

這是第十輪

so that's why I've decided to temporarily convert Paint

幸存者，友善的島嶼(?)

into the Lonely Bowling Channel.

暫停，我意識到，看陌生人玩保齡球是有一點無聊

Welcome to the lonely bowling channel,

所以我決定暫時把"Paint"(這個頻道)變成"孤單保齡球"

your one stop shop for all your New Year's Eve decathlon bowling related events,

孤單保齡球(頻道)

I'm your host Jon Coco. And with me here today is Mark D... oh.

歡迎收看“孤單保齡球"

I am alone.

你的一站式資訊頻道， 為你提供新年前夕需要的一切保齡球相關資訊

Marshal needs his pin to seal his victory otherwise Jon has the oppurtunity to catch up,

我是你的主持, Jon Coco

Oh, he misses!

今天和我一起的是 Mark D...

He missed like I miss my dad everyday.

喔，只有我一個

You got daddy issues Mark?

Marshall需要打到最後一個保齡球瓶以得到勝利

Mark?

否則，Jon有機會趕上比分！

Everybody focus here. Jon's up to plate he's ready to score that touch down.

噢！他打歪了！

Get a birdy on this hoop and win.

他錯過了瓶子，就像我每天想念我的父親一樣 (錯過和想念的英文同為missed)

He's gonna go for it. The crowd is in shambles!

你和你父親相處的怎麼樣，Mark？

He shoots!

Mark?

HE SCORES! (Cheers)

大家留意

(sad music)

輪到Jon了，他已經準備好得到這一分

Look at his face of failure! (Nooooooooo) *Evil laughter*

打出“小鳥球”然後贏得比賽 (“小鳥球”：高爾夫球用語，指好球)

After bowling there were nine other events in this decathlon

他要出擊了，群眾一片混亂！

like pinball, Marshal won that,

他出手了！

Nintendo Land, Marshal won that,

他得分了！

(Cheering and booing)

看這個輸了的表情

Egg toss, the egg toss.

啊！

Whoa, oa oa, oh, YES!

在保齡球之後我們還有9個競爭項目

Stop, please! Spin move! Spin move!

如彈球，Marshall 贏了

Wayne won that. Okay? But Wayne's partner was Marshal so technically

如籃球，Marshall 贏了

But who's the best bowler?

和扔雞蛋

Noo!

Wayne贏了這個，好嗎？

And really, what is winning?

但Wayne的搭檔是Marshall，所以技術上。。。

When you look back at these events, nobody's gonna remember Marshal winning pinball.

不過，誰是最好的保齡球玩家？

They're going to remember Krissy, jumping into the shot

說真的，什麼是贏？

scooping in on a comical oppurtunity.

當我們回頭看的時候，沒有人會記得Marshall贏了彈球

They'll remember Tearney, bathing in red tickets.

他們會記得Chrissie，跳入畫面中，找尋機會引人發笑

They'll remember this band-aid sticking it out on that jackpot machine.

他們會記得Tierney，沐浴在紅色的獎券中

They'll remember Wayne, putting dirty coins in his mouth.

他們會記得這塊繃帶

And then putting a raw egg in his mouth; which shouldn't bother you, because those eggs would not break.

我們把它黏在老虎機上面

Pretty sure we bought organic goose eggs from a giant's farmer's market in the sky.

他們會記得Wayne，把骯髒的代幣放進口中

Jack and the beanstalk reference... Killin' it! Oooohooohoo.

然後又把一個生雞蛋放進口裡

Moving on, night, I... I drank a– a ton of apple cider. Right,

這並不應該令你傷神

and it had alcohol in it.

因為那些蛋並不會破

I stole a glass from another bar.

我肯定我們在一個大型農貿市場買了有機鵝蛋

Happy New Year! (Happy New Year! Yeah!)

(而這個市場)在天上

Then we went to this silent bar, which like, why does that exist?

引用了"傑克與魔豆"~

Bars are supposed to be loud, so that in order to have a conversation with somebody

繼續，在晚上，我喝了一噸的...蘋果酒

you gotta get intimately close to them and then kiss 'em.

對的，含酒精的

With your lips.

我在另外一個酒吧偷了個杯子！

Anyways I had an awakening, religious experience brought on by... maybe it was the cider,

新年快樂！

maybe it was the Bieber. The science is not in.

然後我們去了這個“沈默的酒吧”

In that moment I felt like I wasn't living. (ding) Shhh...

這種酒吧到底為甚麼存在？

Like i wasn't living to my full potential as a human being.

酒吧應該是吵鬧的

And like an Italian pizza shop owner who just received a 20 dollar bill for a 4 dollar slice of pepperoni

讓你和他人交談時距離必須很近很親密

I realized

然後親下去！

I gotta make a change.

用你的嘴唇！

I mean how many videos did I make in 2015?

無論如何，我體驗了一次覺醒

4?

宗教性的體驗

One was sponsored, two were vlogs, and the last one was Star Wars in 99 seconds.

可能是酒精帶來的？也可能是Bieber的歌帶來的

Which I'm extremely proud of, please go watch it. Here's an annotation here's a card if you're on your phone.

沒有科學的因素在裡面

I'll wait.

在那一刻，我覺得我沒有活...sh...

I can't take it any MOREEEEE!!

我覺得我沒有活出我作為一個人的全部潛能

If i don't start growing up right now, I'm never gonna grow up.

就像一個意大利比薩餅店老闆 售出只值4美元的意大利辣香腸比薩卻得到20美元

No stop. Unlike Peter Pan,

我意識到

whether or not I decide to grow up, I'm still gonna age.

我必須做出改變！

That's gonna happen, it's already happening. Look at these eye bags.

我說，我在2015年製作了多少部影片？4部？

Okay?

一部是受贊助的，兩部是影片日誌， 最後一部是99秒講完星戰

Sidenote, if you know how to get rid of these... Like is that genetic or...

我對於99秒講完星戰感到非常的自豪， 請去看看，這裡是一個連結

I'm making a change folks. And not like "how about I increase my video output from 4 videos a year to..."

如果你在用手機的話這裡是另外一個連結

"5?"

我就在這裡等

No, I'm making a real change. This is the year of Jon Cozart, baby!

我不能忍受了！

And if you don't believe me, believe my mother.

如果我現在不開始長大，我就永遠不會長大了

Hey mom? What year is it?

不...停止...不像彼得潘

2016.

不是我決定我想不想長大， 我的年歲還是會增長我還是會老化的啊

Who's year is it?

這就是要發生的事，它已經發生了

Um...

看看這裡的眼袋！好嗎

Donald Trump's? *laughter*

旁注：你知道怎麼樣擺脫這些眼袋嗎？ 像這是遺傳還是什麼