-I'm here with Chris -CHRIS.

與克里斯-我在這裡與克里斯一同主持。

And today we're giving you some top tips on what to do in the event

今天我們要教你們處理什麼的頂尖技巧呢

-of a heavily bleeding wound! -YES.

-一個嚴重流血的傷口！ - 是的。

AAARGH! Wha... DID YOU JUST STAB ME?!

AAARGH！什... 你剛才刺我嗎？

If you've been stabbed, it's very important not to panic.

如果你被刺傷， 非常重要的是不要驚慌。

SWEET MOTHER OF BUTTS IT BURNS!!

甜媽媽的屁股 燙死了！

DID YOU COVER THE BLADE IN SALT?!

你還在刀子上塗鹽？

The first thing you need to do is put pressure on your pain hole

你需要做的第一件事情 就是在傷口施加壓力

to stop or slow the flow of blood.

停止或減緩 血液的流動。

No matter how salty or delicious it might be...

不管多鹹 或美味到...

Mmmm...

嗯...

DID YOU LACE THIS KNIFE WITH TINY BEES?!?

你是不是還綁上了小蜜蜂？！？

Just keep pressure on the wound. Hold it all in and never let go

只要保持在傷口上的壓力。 保持這一切，絕不放手

like you're repressing dark fantasies.

就像你壓抑黑暗的幻想一樣。

AAAH! THE SALTY BEES ARE IN MY FACE!!

AAAH！ 鹹鹹的蜜蜂跑到我的臉上！

Now call for an ambulance.

現在叫救護車。

If you live in the UK dial 999.

如果你住在英國 撥打999。

THEY'RE IN MY EYES!!

他們跑進我眼睛了！

If you live in the US dial 911

如果你住在美國 撥打911

BUZZING IN MY EEEEYYYYEEESSS!!!

嗡嗡聲在我的EEEEYYYYEEESSS！

If you live in another country

如果你住在另一個國家

I'm so sorry...

我很抱歉...

Ahh...ahh...HELP! I NEED AN AMBULANCE!

啊...啊...救命！ 我需要一輛救護車！

[phone] Okay, you want mushrooms on that?

[手機] 好吧，你想加蘑菇？

WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PHONE?!

你對我的手機做了什麼？

Here are some top tips for passing the time waiting for an ambulance.

以下是一些頂級技巧 度過等待救護車的時間。

Read a book! Write a book! Book a holiday for your book!

讀一本書！寫一本書！ 為你的書預訂假期！

Or think about WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO DESERVE THIS.

還是想想 你做了什麼才會受傷。

-A large pizza with mushrooms? -Oh, wow! That was quick!

-大比薩加蘑菇？ 哦，哇！真是快！

Well it sounded like an emergency!

因為它聽起來很緊急！

Wait, what did you mean by "deserve this"?!

等等，你什麼意思 “應得的”？

If you happen to come across someone bleeding their treacherous life away

如果你碰巧遇到有人 出血售其姦賣身契

you can help them by applying pressure to their wound.

你可以幫助他們通過施加 壓力，他們的傷口。

Like the unrelenting pressure from the voices in your head...

就像無情的壓力 的聲音在你的腦袋裡...

OH! THERE ARE EVEN MORE BEES IN THE PIZZA!

OH！還有更 蜜蜂在比薩裡！

And now for some top tips on how to avoid getting stabbed in the first place.

現在還有一些高級技巧 關於避免在一開始被刺傷。

WHY WOULD YOU PUT BEES IN A PIZZA?!

為什麼你會放 蜜蜂在比薩裡？

1 - Don't go down dark alleyways.

1 - 不進黑暗的小巷。

2 - Avoid making eye contact with old ladies.

2 - 避免讓與老太太們的目光接觸。

And 3 - Don't eat my sandwich.

而3 - 不要吃我的三明治。

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?! IS THAT WHAT THIS WAS ABOUT?!?!?!

你就是為了這個嗎?？？！？！？！

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YO--

你有什麼問題--

[sirens]

[警報器]

Next week, top tips on what to do with a dead body.

下週，在高級技巧 關於如何處理一具屍體。

Bye bye!

再見！