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  • So, I have a Facebook friend whose life seems perfect.

    我有個臉書朋友,她的人生看起來很完美

  • She lives in a gorgeous house.

    她住在豪宅

  • And she has a really rewarding career.

    而且她事業有成

  • And she and her family go

    她跟她家人

  • on all these exciting adventures together on the weekends.

    會在週末一起進行精彩刺激的冒險之旅

  • And I swear that they must take

    而且我發誓他們一定帶了

  • a professional photographer along with them,

    專業的攝影師一起出遊

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • because no matter where they go or what they do,

    因為不管他們去了哪裡或做了什麼

  • the whole family just looks beautiful.

    整家人看起來都非常好看

  • And she's always posting about how blessed she is,

    然後她會不停貼文說自己有多幸福

  • and how grateful she is for the life that she has.

    說她對自己的生活有多感恩

  • And I get the feeling that she's not just saying those things

    而我會覺得她說這些不只是為了要在臉書上展示

  • for the sake of Facebook, but she truly means it.

    這些是她發自內心的想法

  • How many of you have a friend kind of like that?

    你們有多少人身邊有像這樣的朋友?

  • And how many of you

    那你們有多少人

  • kind of don't like that person sometimes?

    有時候會覺得不喜歡這個人?

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • We all do this, right?

    我們都這樣,對吧?

  • It's hard not to do.

    很難不這樣

  • But that way of thinking costs us something.

    但這種思考方式會讓我們付出些代價

  • And that's what I want to talk to you about today--

    這就是我今天要跟各位分享的內容

  • is what our bad habits cost us.

    我們的壞習慣帶來的代價

  • Maybe you've scrolled through your Facebook feed

    也許你只是快速滑過臉書頁面

  • and you think, "So what if I roll my eyes?

    然後你想,「翻個白眼不會怎樣吧?」

  • It's just five seconds of my time.

    只是花我5秒的時間而已

  • How could it be hurting me?"

    這怎麼會傷到我呢?

  • Well, researchers have found

    研究發現

  • that envying your friends on Facebook,

    嫉妒你的臉書朋友

  • actually leads to depression.

    確實會導致抑鬱

  • That's just one of the traps that our minds can set for us.

    這是我們的思想所設下的陷阱之一

  • Have you ever complained about your boss?

    你是否曾抱怨過老闆?

  • Or looked at your friends' lives and thought,

    或是看著朋友的生活然後心想

  • "Why do they have all the luck?"

    為什麼他們都這麼好運?

  • You can't help thinking that way, right?

    你會忍不住這樣想,對吧?

  • That way of thinking seems small in the moment.

    這種想法在當下看起來似乎是件小事

  • In fact, it might even make you feel better in the moment.

    事實上,它甚至能讓你在當下覺得好過一點

  • But that way of thinking is eating away at your mental strength.

    但這種想法正在吞噬你的精神力量

  • There's three kinds of destructive beliefs

    毀滅性的信念有三種

  • that make us less effective,

    這些信念使我們的效能降低

  • and rob us of our mental strength.

    並奪取我們的精神力量

  • The first one is unhealthy beliefs about ourselves.

    第一種是對自我的不健康信念

  • We tend to feel sorry for ourselves.

    我們傾向對自己感到抱歉

  • And while it's OK to be sad when something bad happens,

    當壞事發生時,覺得悲傷當然是無可厚非的

  • self-pity goes beyond that.

    但顧影自憐遠超過這種程度

  • It's when you start to magnify your misfortune.

    它會讓你開始放大自己的不幸

  • When you think things like,

    你會這樣想,

  • "Why do these things always have to happen to me?"

    「為什麼這種事情總是發生在我身上?」

  • "I shouldn't have to deal with it."

    「我不應該遭遇這件事的。」

  • That way of thinking keeps you stuck,

    這種想法會困住你

  • keeps you focused on the problem,

    將你困在問題裡

  • keeps you from finding a solution.

    讓你無力去尋找解決辦法

  • And even when you can't create a solution,

    而即使你不能創造出解決辦法,

  • you can always take steps to make your life or somebody else's life better.

    你總是能透過一些步驟讓自己或他人的生活變得更好

  • But you can't do that

    但你卻做不到

  • when you're busy hosting your own pity party.

    因為你忙著舉辦自己的自憐派對

  • The second type of destructive belief that holds us back

    第二種讓我們裹足不前的毀滅性信念

  • is unhealthy beliefs about others.

    是對他人的不健康信念

  • We think that other people can control us,

    我們認為其他人能控制我們

  • and we give away our power.

    所以我們就放棄了自己的力量

  • But as adults who live in a free country,

    但身為生活在自由國家的成年人,

  • there's very few things in life that you have to do.

    生活中很少有什麼事是你非做不可的

  • So when you say, "I have to work late,"

    所以當你說「我必須加班」時,

  • you give away your power.

    你就交出了自己的權力

  • Yeah, maybe there will be consequences if you don't work late,

    沒錯,也許你必須承擔不加班的後果

  • but it's still a choice.

    但那仍是個選擇

  • Or when you say, "My mother-in-law drives me crazy,"

    或者當你說「我婆婆把我搞瘋了」,

  • you give away your power.

    你也是交出了自己的力量

  • Maybe she's not the nicest person on earth,

    也許她不是什麼世界上最親切的人

  • but it's up to you how you respond to her,

    但要怎麼回應她是你可以決定的

  • because you're in control.

    因為你能自己掌控

  • The third type of unhealthy belief that holds us back,

    第三種讓我們裹足不前的不健康信念

  • is unhealthy beliefs about the world.

    是對這世界的不健康信念

  • We tend to think that the world owes us something.

    我們常會覺得世界虧欠了我們什麼

  • We think, "If I put in enough hard work,

    我們會想,「如果我夠努力工作,

  • then I deserve success."

    我就應該要成功。」

  • But expecting success to fall into your lap

    但是期待成功從天而降

  • like some sort of cosmic reward,

    帶來什麼巨大的報酬

  • will only lead to disappointment.

    只會引來失望

  • But I know it's hard to give up our bad mental habits.

    但我知道要去除不好的心理習慣很困難

  • It's hard to get rid of those unhealthy beliefs

    我們很難戒除那些不健康的信念

  • that we've carried around with us for so long.

    畢竟我們已帶著這些信念很久了

  • But you can't afford not to give them up.

    但不戒掉它們,將帶來難以負擔的結果

  • Because sooner or later, you're going to hit a time in your life

    因為或早或晚,你都會在生命中遇到一個時刻

  • where you need all the mental strength that you can muster.

    讓你必須召集你所有的精神力量

  • When I was 23 years old,

    在我23歲的時候,

  • I thought I had life all figured out.

    我以為我的人生已一清二楚

  • I graduated from grad school.

    我研究所畢業

  • I landed my first big job as a therapist.

    開始從事我的第一份治療師工作

  • I got married.

    我結了婚

  • And I even bought a house.

    我甚至還買了房子

  • And I thought, "This is going to be great!"

    然後我想,「一切都會很棒!」

  • "I've got this incredible jump start on success."

    我已經邁向成功一大步了

  • What could go wrong?

    有什麼會出錯?

  • That all changed for me one day

    有一天,我的一切全變了

  • when I got a phone call from my sister.

    我接到我妹的電話

  • She said that our mother was found unresponsive

    她說我們的母親被發現昏迷

  • and she'd been taken to the hospital.

    她被送到醫院了

  • My husband Lincoln and I jumped in the car and rushed to the hospital.

    我先生林肯和我立刻跳上車衝到醫院

  • We couldn't imagine what could be wrong.

    我們想不出到底出了什麼問題

  • My mother was only 51.

    我媽年僅51歲

  • She didn't have any history of any kind of health problems.

    她過去從來沒有任何健康問題

  • When we got to the hospital,

    我們到達醫院時,

  • doctors explained she'd had a brain aneurysm.

    醫生解釋說她得了腦部動脈瘤

  • And within 24 hours, my mother,

    而在24小時內,

  • who used to wake up in the morning saying, "It's a great day to be alive,"

    我那會在早晨醒來時說「今天能活著真好」的母親

  • passed away.

    就這樣過世了

  • That news was devastating to me.

    這個消息對我而言猶如晴天霹靂

  • My mother and I had been very close.

    我和我媽感情一直很好

  • As a therapist, I knew on an intellectual level how to go through grief.

    身為治療師,我在知識上知道該如何走出悲痛

  • But knowing it, and doing it, can be two very different things.

    但知道跟做到,是全然不同的兩回事

  • It took a long time before I felt like I was really healing.

    我花了很長的時間才慢慢覺得痊癒

  • And then on the three year anniversary of my mother's death,

    接著,在我母親的第三年忌日,

  • some friends called,

    我的朋友打電話來,

  • and invited Lincoln and me to a basketball game.

    邀請我和林肯去看籃球賽

  • Coincidentally, it was being played

    巧合的是,球賽的場地

  • at the same auditorium where I'd last seen my mother,

    正好是我最後一次見到我媽的那個會場

  • on the night before she'd passed away.

    就在我媽過世的前一晚

  • I hadn't been back there since.

    我自此就不曾再回去那裡了

  • I wasn't even sure I wanted to go back.

    我甚至不確定自己想不想再回去

  • But Lincoln and I talked about it, and ultimately we said,

    但林肯和我討論了一番,最後我們覺得,

  • "Maybe that would be a good way to honor her memory."

    「也許那是紀念她的一個好方法」

  • So we went to the game.

    所以我們就去了球賽

  • And we actually had a really good time with our friends.

    而我們確實與朋友度過了美好的時光

  • On the drive home that night,

    當晚開車回家的途中,

  • we talked about how great it was

    我們聊到這有多棒

  • to finally be able to go back to that place,

    終於能夠再回到那個地方

  • and remember my mother with a smile,

    能帶著微笑緬懷我的母親,

  • rather than all those feelings of sadness.

    而不是帶著悲傷的情緒

  • But shortly after we got home that night, Lincoln said he didn't feel well.

    但當晚我們回到家不久後,林肯說他覺得不舒服

  • A few minutes later, he collapsed.

    幾分鐘過後,他就倒下了

  • I had to call for an ambulance.

    我必須叫救護車

  • His family met me at the emergency room.

    他的家人在急診室與我相會

  • We waited for what seemed like forever,

    我們等待的時間好像永無止境,

  • until finally a doctor came out.

    才終於等到醫生出來

  • But rather than taking us out back to see Lincoln,

    但他沒有帶我們進去看林肯

  • he took us back to a private room,

    而是帶我們進去一個私人會談室

  • and sat us down,

    請我們坐下

  • and explained to us that Lincoln,

    然後向我們說明

  • who was the most adventurous person I'd ever met,

    那個我認識的人裡最有冒險精神的林肯

  • was gone.

    過世了

  • We didn't know at the time, but he'd had a heart attack.

    我們當時不知道,但他心臟病發

  • He was only 26.

    他得年僅26歲

  • He didn't have any history of heart problems.

    他過去從來沒有心臟問題

  • So now I found myself a 26-year-old widow,

    所以,現在我發現自己是個26歲的寡婦,

  • and I didn't have my mom.

    而且我還失去母親

  • I thought, "How am I going to get through this/"

    心想,「我該如何度過這一切?」

  • And to describe that as a painful period in my life

    把那時稱作是我生命中沉痛的時期

  • feels like an understatement.

    似乎像是輕描淡寫

  • And it was during that time that I realized

    而就在那段時間,我了解到

  • when you're really going through tough times,

    當你真正必須度過難關時,

  • good habits aren't enough.

    好習慣是不夠的

  • It only takes one or two small habits

    只要一兩項小習慣

  • to really hold you back.

    就會讓你裹足不前

  • I worked as hard as I could,

    我盡全力工作

  • not just to create good habits in my life,

    不只在生活中創造好習慣

  • but to get rid of those small habits,

    更試著戒掉那些小習慣

  • no matter how small they might seem.

    無論它們看起來有多小

  • Throughout it all,

    經過這一切,

  • I held out hope that someday life could get better.

    我抱持希望,期待有一天生活會逐漸改善

  • And eventually it did.

    而最後真的改善了

  • A few years down the road, I met Steve.

    r幾年過後,我遇到史帝夫

  • And we fell in love.

    我們相愛

  • And I got remarried.

    然後我再婚了

  • We sold the house that Lincoln and I had lived in,

    我們將我與林肯同住的房子給賣了

  • and we bought a new house, in a new area,

    我們在新的地區買了新家

  • and I got a new job.

    而我也找到新工作

  • But almost as quickly as I breathed my sigh of relief

    但幾乎就在我要鬆一口氣

  • over that fresh start that I had,

    覺得自己總算有個新開始的時候

  • we got the news that Steve's dad had terminal cancer.

    我們接到消息說史帝夫的爸爸癌症末期

  • And I started to think,

    然後我開始想,

  • "Why do these things always have to keep happening?"

    為什麼這些事情要一直發生呢?

  • "Why do I have to keep losing all my loved ones?"

    為什麼我要一直失去我所愛的人呢?

  • "This isn't fair."

    這真是不公平

  • But if I'd learned anything,

    但我學到的是

  • it was that that way of thinking would hold me back.

    這種想法只會困住我

  • I knew I was going to need

    我知道我需要

  • as much mental strength as I could muster,

    集結我所有的精神力量

  • to get through one more loss.

    去度過再次的失去

  • So I sat down and I wrote a list

    所以我坐下來寫了一張清單

  • of all the things mentally strong people don't do.

    列出所有精神強大的人不會做的事

  • And I read over that list.

    然後我從頭讀過這張清單

  • It was a reminder of all of those bad habits

    它提醒我那些壞習慣

  • that I'd done at one time or another, that would keep me stuck.

    那些我有時會做,且會將我困住的習慣

  • And I kept reading that list over and over.

    然後我一遍又一遍地閱讀這張清單

  • And I really needed it.

    而我真的很需要它

  • Because within a few weeks of writing it,

    因為在我寫下它的幾週後

  • Steve's dad passed away.

    史帝夫的爸爸就過世了

  • My journey taught me that the secret to being mentally strong,

    我的人生旅程教導了我,精神強大的秘密

  • was that you had to give up your bad mental habits.

    就在於你必須戒除壞的心理習慣

  • Mental strength is a lot like physical strength.

    心理力量與生理力量很相似

  • If you wanted to be physically strong,

    如果你想要身體強壯,

  • you'd need to go to the gym and lift weights.

    你就必須去健身房舉重

  • But if you really wanted to see results,

    但若你真的很想要看到成果,

  • you'd also have to give up eating junk food.

    你也必須戒掉吃垃圾食物

  • Mental strength is the same.

    精神力量也是如此

  • If you want to be mentally strong,

    你想要精神強大,

  • you need good habits like practicing gratitude.

    你需要有好習慣,例如練習感恩

  • But you also have to give up bad habits,

    但你也必須戒除壞習慣,

  • like resenting somebody else's success.

    像是厭惡他人的成功

  • No matter how often that happens,

    無論這發生的頻率高低,

  • it will hold you back.

    它都會令你裹足不前

  • So, how do you train your brain to think differently?

    所以,你該如何訓練大腦換個方式思考呢?

  • How do you give up those bad mental habits

    你該如何戒掉那些

  • that you've carried around with you?

    你已行使多年的不良心理習慣?

  • It starts by countering those unhealthy beliefs that I talked about,

    你可以開始清點我所提到的這些不健康信念

  • with healthier ones.

    以及健康信念

  • For example, unhealthy beliefs about ourselves

    例如,對於自我的不健康信念

  • mostly come about because we're uncomfortable with our feelings.

    通常都是源自我們對自己的感受覺得不舒服

  • Feeling sad, or hurt, or angry, or scared,

    難過、受傷、生氣或害怕,

  • those things are all uncomfortable.

    這些感受都很不舒服

  • So we go to great lengths to avoid that discomfort.

    所以我們盡可能避開這些不適

  • We try to escape it

    我們試著逃避

  • by doing things like hosting a pity party.

    我們會做些事,例如舉辦自憐派對

  • And although that's a temporary distraction,

    雖然那能短暫地分散注意力

  • it just prolongs the pain.

    但卻只會拖延悲痛

  • The only way to get through uncomfortable emotions,

    度過不舒服情緒的唯一方式,

  • the only way to deal with them, is you have to go through them.

    處理它們的唯一方式,就是必須經過它

  • To let yourself feel sad, and then move on.

    允許自己感到悲傷,然後往前進

  • To gain confidence in your ability

    對你的能力增加自信

  • to deal with that discomfort.

    去面對這種不適

  • Unhealthy beliefs about others come about

    對於他人的不健康信念

  • because we compare ourselves to other people.

    源自於我們拿自己與他人比較

  • We think that they're either above us or below us.

    我們認為別人比自己來得高尚或低下

  • Or we think that they can control how we feel.

    或我們認為他們可以控制我們的感受

  • Or that we can control how they behave.

    或我們可以控制別人的行為

  • Or we blame them for holding us back.

    或我們怪別人害我們退縮不前

  • But really, it's our own choices that do that.

    但其實,都是我們自己選擇要這麼做的

  • You have to accept that you're your own person,

    你必須接受你就是你自己,

  • and other people are separate from you.

    別人與你是分開的個體

  • The only person you should compare yourself to,

    你唯一該拿來與自己比較的人,

  • is the person that you were yesterday.

    就是昨日的自己

  • And unhealthy beliefs about the world come about

    而對世界的不健康信念來自於

  • because deep down, we want the world to be fair.

    我們內心深處希望這個世界是公平的

  • We want to think that if we put in enough good deeds,

    我們希望相信如果自己做了夠多好事,

  • enough good things will happen to us.

    我們就會得到好報

  • Or if we tough it out through enough bad times,

    或是如果我們堅強地度過了許多難關,

  • we'll get some sort of reward.

    我們就會得到某種獎賞

  • But ultimately you have to accept that life isn't fair.

    但最終你必須接受生命是不公平的

  • And that can be liberating.

    這會讓你得到解脫

  • Yeah, it means you won't necessarily be rewarded for your goodness,

    是的,這代表你的好行為不一定能得到獎賞,

  • but it also means no matter how much you've suffered,

    但也代表無論你承受多大的痛苦,

  • you're not doomed to keep suffering.

    你都不是注定要繼續受苦下去

  • The world doesn't work that way.

    這個世界不是這樣運作的

  • Your world is what you make it.

    我們的世界是你可以自己創造的

  • But of course before you can change your world,

    當然在你改變世界之前,