She lives in a gorgeous house.

她住在豪宅

And she has a really rewarding career.

而且她事業有成

And she and her family go

她跟她家人

on all these exciting adventures together on the weekends.

會在週末一起進行精彩刺激的冒險之旅

And I swear that they must take

而且我發誓他們一定帶了

a professional photographer along with them,

專業的攝影師一起出遊

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

because no matter where they go or what they do,

因為不管他們去了哪裡或做了什麼

the whole family just looks beautiful.

整家人看起來都非常好看

And she's always posting about how blessed she is,

然後她會不停貼文說自己有多幸福

and how grateful she is for the life that she has.

說她對自己的生活有多感恩

And I get the feeling that she's not just saying those things

而我會覺得她說這些不只是為了要在臉書上展示

for the sake of Facebook, but she truly means it.

這些是她發自內心的想法

How many of you have a friend kind of like that?

你們有多少人身邊有像這樣的朋友?

And how many of you

那你們有多少人

kind of don't like that person sometimes?

有時候會覺得不喜歡這個人?

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

We all do this, right?

我們都這樣，對吧?

It's hard not to do.

很難不這樣

But that way of thinking costs us something.

但這種思考方式會讓我們付出些代價

And that's what I want to talk to you about today--

這就是我今天要跟各位分享的內容

is what our bad habits cost us.

我們的壞習慣帶來的代價

Maybe you've scrolled through your Facebook feed

也許你只是快速滑過臉書頁面

and you think, "So what if I roll my eyes?

然後你想，「翻個白眼不會怎樣吧?」

It's just five seconds of my time.

只是花我5秒的時間而已

How could it be hurting me?"

這怎麼會傷到我呢?

Well, researchers have found

研究發現

that envying your friends on Facebook,

嫉妒你的臉書朋友

actually leads to depression.

確實會導致抑鬱

That's just one of the traps that our minds can set for us.

這是我們的思想所設下的陷阱之一

Have you ever complained about your boss?

你是否曾抱怨過老闆?

Or looked at your friends' lives and thought,

或是看著朋友的生活然後心想

"Why do they have all the luck?"

為什麼他們都這麼好運?

You can't help thinking that way, right?

你會忍不住這樣想，對吧?

That way of thinking seems small in the moment.

這種想法在當下看起來似乎是件小事

In fact, it might even make you feel better in the moment.

事實上，它甚至能讓你在當下覺得好過一點

But that way of thinking is eating away at your mental strength.

但這種想法正在吞噬你的精神力量

There's three kinds of destructive beliefs

毀滅性的信念有三種

that make us less effective,

這些信念使我們的效能降低

and rob us of our mental strength.

並奪取我們的精神力量

The first one is unhealthy beliefs about ourselves.

第一種是對自我的不健康信念

We tend to feel sorry for ourselves.

我們傾向對自己感到抱歉

And while it's OK to be sad when something bad happens,

當壞事發生時，覺得悲傷當然是無可厚非的

self-pity goes beyond that.

但顧影自憐遠超過這種程度

It's when you start to magnify your misfortune.

它會讓你開始放大自己的不幸

When you think things like,

你會這樣想，

"Why do these things always have to happen to me?"

「為什麼這種事情總是發生在我身上?」

"I shouldn't have to deal with it."

「我不應該遭遇這件事的。」

That way of thinking keeps you stuck,

這種想法會困住你

keeps you focused on the problem,

將你困在問題裡

keeps you from finding a solution.

讓你無力去尋找解決辦法

And even when you can't create a solution,

而即使你不能創造出解決辦法，

you can always take steps to make your life or somebody else's life better.

你總是能透過一些步驟讓自己或他人的生活變得更好

But you can't do that

但你卻做不到

when you're busy hosting your own pity party.

因為你忙著舉辦自己的自憐派對

The second type of destructive belief that holds us back

第二種讓我們裹足不前的毀滅性信念

is unhealthy beliefs about others.

是對他人的不健康信念

We think that other people can control us,

我們認為其他人能控制我們

and we give away our power.

所以我們就放棄了自己的力量

But as adults who live in a free country,

但身為生活在自由國家的成年人，

there's very few things in life that you have to do.

生活中很少有什麼事是你非做不可的

So when you say, "I have to work late,"

所以當你說「我必須加班」時，

you give away your power.

你就交出了自己的權力

Yeah, maybe there will be consequences if you don't work late,

沒錯，也許你必須承擔不加班的後果

but it's still a choice.

但那仍是個選擇

Or when you say, "My mother-in-law drives me crazy,"

或者當你說「我婆婆把我搞瘋了」，

you give away your power.

你也是交出了自己的力量

Maybe she's not the nicest person on earth,

也許她不是什麼世界上最親切的人

but it's up to you how you respond to her,

但要怎麼回應她是你可以決定的

because you're in control.

因為你能自己掌控

The third type of unhealthy belief that holds us back,

第三種讓我們裹足不前的不健康信念

is unhealthy beliefs about the world.

是對這世界的不健康信念

We tend to think that the world owes us something.

我們常會覺得世界虧欠了我們什麼

We think, "If I put in enough hard work,

我們會想，「如果我夠努力工作，

then I deserve success."

我就應該要成功。」

But expecting success to fall into your lap

但是期待成功從天而降

like some sort of cosmic reward,

帶來什麼巨大的報酬

will only lead to disappointment.

只會引來失望

But I know it's hard to give up our bad mental habits.

但我知道要去除不好的心理習慣很困難

It's hard to get rid of those unhealthy beliefs

我們很難戒除那些不健康的信念

that we've carried around with us for so long.

畢竟我們已帶著這些信念很久了

But you can't afford not to give them up.

但不戒掉它們，將帶來難以負擔的結果

Because sooner or later, you're going to hit a time in your life

因為或早或晚，你都會在生命中遇到一個時刻

where you need all the mental strength that you can muster.

讓你必須召集你所有的精神力量

When I was 23 years old,

在我23歲的時候，

I thought I had life all figured out.

我以為我的人生已一清二楚

I graduated from grad school.

我研究所畢業

I landed my first big job as a therapist.

開始從事我的第一份治療師工作

I got married.

我結了婚

And I even bought a house.

我甚至還買了房子

And I thought, "This is going to be great!"

然後我想，「一切都會很棒!」

"I've got this incredible jump start on success."

我已經邁向成功一大步了

What could go wrong?

有什麼會出錯?

That all changed for me one day

有一天，我的一切全變了

when I got a phone call from my sister.

我接到我妹的電話

She said that our mother was found unresponsive

她說我們的母親被發現昏迷

and she'd been taken to the hospital.

她被送到醫院了

My husband Lincoln and I jumped in the car and rushed to the hospital.

我先生林肯和我立刻跳上車衝到醫院

We couldn't imagine what could be wrong.

我們想不出到底出了什麼問題

My mother was only 51.

我媽年僅51歲

She didn't have any history of any kind of health problems.

她過去從來沒有任何健康問題

When we got to the hospital,

我們到達醫院時，

doctors explained she'd had a brain aneurysm.

醫生解釋說她得了腦部動脈瘤

And within 24 hours, my mother,

而在24小時內，

who used to wake up in the morning saying, "It's a great day to be alive,"

我那會在早晨醒來時說「今天能活著真好」的母親

passed away.

就這樣過世了

That news was devastating to me.

這個消息對我而言猶如晴天霹靂

My mother and I had been very close.

我和我媽感情一直很好

As a therapist, I knew on an intellectual level how to go through grief.

身為治療師，我在知識上知道該如何走出悲痛

But knowing it, and doing it, can be two very different things.

但知道跟做到，是全然不同的兩回事

It took a long time before I felt like I was really healing.

我花了很長的時間才慢慢覺得痊癒

And then on the three year anniversary of my mother's death,

接著，在我母親的第三年忌日，

some friends called,

我的朋友打電話來，

and invited Lincoln and me to a basketball game.

邀請我和林肯去看籃球賽

Coincidentally, it was being played

巧合的是，球賽的場地

at the same auditorium where I'd last seen my mother,

正好是我最後一次見到我媽的那個會場

on the night before she'd passed away.

就在我媽過世的前一晚

I hadn't been back there since.

我自此就不曾再回去那裡了

I wasn't even sure I wanted to go back.

我甚至不確定自己想不想再回去

But Lincoln and I talked about it, and ultimately we said,

但林肯和我討論了一番，最後我們覺得，

"Maybe that would be a good way to honor her memory."

「也許那是紀念她的一個好方法」

So we went to the game.

所以我們就去了球賽

And we actually had a really good time with our friends.

而我們確實與朋友度過了美好的時光

On the drive home that night,

當晚開車回家的途中，

we talked about how great it was

我們聊到這有多棒

to finally be able to go back to that place,

終於能夠再回到那個地方

and remember my mother with a smile,

能帶著微笑緬懷我的母親，

rather than all those feelings of sadness.

而不是帶著悲傷的情緒

But shortly after we got home that night, Lincoln said he didn't feel well.

但當晚我們回到家不久後，林肯說他覺得不舒服

A few minutes later, he collapsed.

幾分鐘過後，他就倒下了

I had to call for an ambulance.

我必須叫救護車

His family met me at the emergency room.

他的家人在急診室與我相會

We waited for what seemed like forever,

我們等待的時間好像永無止境，

until finally a doctor came out.

才終於等到醫生出來

But rather than taking us out back to see Lincoln,

但他沒有帶我們進去看林肯

he took us back to a private room,

而是帶我們進去一個私人會談室

and sat us down,

請我們坐下

and explained to us that Lincoln,

然後向我們說明

who was the most adventurous person I'd ever met,

那個我認識的人裡最有冒險精神的林肯

was gone.

過世了

We didn't know at the time, but he'd had a heart attack.

我們當時不知道，但他心臟病發

He was only 26.

他得年僅26歲

He didn't have any history of heart problems.

他過去從來沒有心臟問題

So now I found myself a 26-year-old widow,

所以，現在我發現自己是個26歲的寡婦，

and I didn't have my mom.

而且我還失去母親

I thought, "How am I going to get through this/"

心想，「我該如何度過這一切?」

And to describe that as a painful period in my life

把那時稱作是我生命中沉痛的時期

feels like an understatement.

似乎像是輕描淡寫

And it was during that time that I realized

而就在那段時間，我了解到

when you're really going through tough times,

當你真正必須度過難關時，

good habits aren't enough.

好習慣是不夠的

It only takes one or two small habits

只要一兩項小習慣

to really hold you back.

就會讓你裹足不前

I worked as hard as I could,

我盡全力工作

not just to create good habits in my life,

不只在生活中創造好習慣

but to get rid of those small habits,

更試著戒掉那些小習慣

no matter how small they might seem.

無論它們看起來有多小

Throughout it all,

經過這一切，

I held out hope that someday life could get better.

我抱持希望，期待有一天生活會逐漸改善

And eventually it did.

而最後真的改善了

A few years down the road, I met Steve.

r幾年過後，我遇到史帝夫

And we fell in love.

我們相愛

And I got remarried.

然後我再婚了

We sold the house that Lincoln and I had lived in,

我們將我與林肯同住的房子給賣了

and we bought a new house, in a new area,

我們在新的地區買了新家

and I got a new job.

而我也找到新工作

But almost as quickly as I breathed my sigh of relief

但幾乎就在我要鬆一口氣

over that fresh start that I had,

覺得自己總算有個新開始的時候

we got the news that Steve's dad had terminal cancer.

我們接到消息說史帝夫的爸爸癌症末期

And I started to think,

然後我開始想，

"Why do these things always have to keep happening?"

為什麼這些事情要一直發生呢?

"Why do I have to keep losing all my loved ones?"

為什麼我要一直失去我所愛的人呢?

"This isn't fair."

這真是不公平

But if I'd learned anything,

但我學到的是

it was that that way of thinking would hold me back.

這種想法只會困住我

I knew I was going to need

我知道我需要

as much mental strength as I could muster,

集結我所有的精神力量

to get through one more loss.

去度過再次的失去

So I sat down and I wrote a list

所以我坐下來寫了一張清單

of all the things mentally strong people don't do.

列出所有精神強大的人不會做的事

And I read over that list.

然後我從頭讀過這張清單

It was a reminder of all of those bad habits

它提醒我那些壞習慣

that I'd done at one time or another, that would keep me stuck.

那些我有時會做，且會將我困住的習慣

And I kept reading that list over and over.

然後我一遍又一遍地閱讀這張清單

And I really needed it.

而我真的很需要它

Because within a few weeks of writing it,

因為在我寫下它的幾週後

Steve's dad passed away.

史帝夫的爸爸就過世了

My journey taught me that the secret to being mentally strong,

我的人生旅程教導了我，精神強大的秘密

was that you had to give up your bad mental habits.

就在於你必須戒除壞的心理習慣

Mental strength is a lot like physical strength.

心理力量與生理力量很相似

If you wanted to be physically strong,

如果你想要身體強壯，

you'd need to go to the gym and lift weights.

你就必須去健身房舉重

But if you really wanted to see results,

但若你真的很想要看到成果，

you'd also have to give up eating junk food.

你也必須戒掉吃垃圾食物

Mental strength is the same.

精神力量也是如此

If you want to be mentally strong,

你想要精神強大，

you need good habits like practicing gratitude.

你需要有好習慣，例如練習感恩

But you also have to give up bad habits,

但你也必須戒除壞習慣，

like resenting somebody else's success.

像是厭惡他人的成功

No matter how often that happens,

無論這發生的頻率高低，

it will hold you back.

它都會令你裹足不前

So, how do you train your brain to think differently?

所以，你該如何訓練大腦換個方式思考呢?

How do you give up those bad mental habits

你該如何戒掉那些

that you've carried around with you?

你已行使多年的不良心理習慣?

It starts by countering those unhealthy beliefs that I talked about,

你可以開始清點我所提到的這些不健康信念

with healthier ones.

以及健康信念

For example, unhealthy beliefs about ourselves

例如，對於自我的不健康信念

mostly come about because we're uncomfortable with our feelings.

通常都是源自我們對自己的感受覺得不舒服

Feeling sad, or hurt, or angry, or scared,

難過、受傷、生氣或害怕，

those things are all uncomfortable.

這些感受都很不舒服

So we go to great lengths to avoid that discomfort.

所以我們盡可能避開這些不適

We try to escape it

我們試著逃避

by doing things like hosting a pity party.

我們會做些事，例如舉辦自憐派對

And although that's a temporary distraction,

雖然那能短暫地分散注意力

it just prolongs the pain.

但卻只會拖延悲痛

The only way to get through uncomfortable emotions,

度過不舒服情緒的唯一方式，

the only way to deal with them, is you have to go through them.

處理它們的唯一方式，就是必須經過它

To let yourself feel sad, and then move on.

允許自己感到悲傷，然後往前進

To gain confidence in your ability

對你的能力增加自信

to deal with that discomfort.

去面對這種不適

Unhealthy beliefs about others come about

對於他人的不健康信念

because we compare ourselves to other people.

源自於我們拿自己與他人比較

We think that they're either above us or below us.

我們認為別人比自己來得高尚或低下

Or we think that they can control how we feel.

或我們認為他們可以控制我們的感受

Or that we can control how they behave.

或我們可以控制別人的行為

Or we blame them for holding us back.

或我們怪別人害我們退縮不前

But really, it's our own choices that do that.

但其實，都是我們自己選擇要這麼做的

You have to accept that you're your own person,

你必須接受你就是你自己，

and other people are separate from you.

別人與你是分開的個體

The only person you should compare yourself to,

你唯一該拿來與自己比較的人，

is the person that you were yesterday.

就是昨日的自己

And unhealthy beliefs about the world come about

而對世界的不健康信念來自於

because deep down, we want the world to be fair.

我們內心深處希望這個世界是公平的

We want to think that if we put in enough good deeds,

我們希望相信如果自己做了夠多好事，

enough good things will happen to us.