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  • [APPLAUSE]

    [鼓掌]

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Welcome to Google.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:歡迎來到谷歌。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: A pleasure to be here in the flesh.

    很高興能在這裡見到你的肉體。

  • I watch you guys online all the time, really great show.

    我一直在網上看你們的節目,真的很精彩。

  • It's slow, but you just never know where the plot's going.

    它'很慢,但你就是永遠不知道劇情的走向。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Jim DeMint has just announced--

    吉姆-德明特剛剛宣佈...

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Jim DeMint, yes, yeah.

    吉姆-德明特,是的,是的。

  • Jim's a friend, but go ahead.

    吉姆是我的朋友,但請繼續。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: He's just announced that he's retiring.

    他剛剛宣佈他要退休了。

  • And it occurs to me that you might want to-- you're from

    我覺得你可能會想... 你來自...

  • South Carolina originally, I think?

    南卡羅來納州最初,我想?

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Yes, I am.

    是的,我是。

  • I'm from South Carolina, the palmetto state.

    我來自南卡羅來納州,棕櫚州。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: You might want to run for Senate.

    你可能想競選參議員。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: No, I do not want to run for Senate.

    不,我不想競選參議員。

  • I want Nikki Haley to just appoint me to senate.

    我想讓Nikki Haley任命我為參議員。

  • That's the great thing, people are asking me, are you going

    這就是偉大的事情,人們都在問我,你要去嗎?

  • to run for Senate?

    競選參議員?

  • And like, no, why would you run?

    就像,不,你為什麼要跑?

  • She just gets to say, it's you.

    她就可以說,是你。

  • So, yeah, while I'm honored by what you're implying and by

    所以,是的,雖然我很榮幸,你所暗示的和

  • the groundswell that I've felt.

    的理由,我'感到。

  • But obviously, that's something I have to take up

    但很明顯,這是我必須要做的事情。

  • with my family and my pastor before I decide whether to

    在我決定是否與家人和我的牧師合作之前

  • take that position.

    採取這種立場。

  • Is there another question, Senator?

    還有別的問題嗎,參議員?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Do you think Bill O'Reilly would be a

    ERIC SCHMIDT:你認為Bill O'Reilly會是一個。

  • better choice?

    更好的選擇?

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: He's not in South Carolina.

    他不在南卡羅來納州。

  • But he's a very talented man.

    但他'是個很有才華的人。

  • And I sincerely admire his broadcasting abilities.

    而我也由衷地佩服他的播音能力。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: But, you know, you're locked

    但是,你知道,你被鎖定了。

  • in a deathly battle.

    在一場死戰中。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: With Bill right now?

    現在和比爾在一起?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Yes.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:是的。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Oh, you mean over the--

    你是說在...

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: The book.

    這本書。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Over the book, exactly.

    確切地說,是在書上。

  • Bill's got a book called "Killing Kennedy." And I

    比爾有一本書叫《殺死肯尼迪》,而我呢?

  • admire his obsession with terrible things happening to

    佩服他對發生在可怕的事情的執著。

  • presidents.

    主席們,

  • He's got "Killing Lincoln," "Killing Kennedy," "Sodomizing

    他得到了"殺害林肯,""殺害肯尼迪,""雞姦。

  • Coolidge"--

    Coolidge"--

  • that's a kids' book.

    那是一本兒童'書。

  • He was on John Stewart's show.

    他在約翰-斯圖爾特'的節目中。

  • And he said his next book is going to be called "Killing

    而且他說他的下一本書要叫"殺戮"。

  • Colbert." And it broke my character's heart so much to

    柯爾伯特."而且它打破了我的角色'的心臟如此之大,以。

  • hear Papa Bear say that.

    聽熊爸爸說,。

  • So we launched operation Killing "Killing Kennedy."

    所以我們發起了 "殺戮行動"殺害肯尼迪"&quot。

  • Where I'm just telling my audience out there--

    在那裡我只是告訴我的觀眾在那裡 -

  • I'm not telling you to buy my book.

    我&39;不是叫你買我的書。

  • I don't want to abuse the relationship.

    我不想濫用這種關係。

  • But I'm just reminding them, if you're going to buy my

    但我只是提醒他們,如果你要買我的

  • book-- and you are--

    書... 而你是...

  • if you're going to buy my book, just do

    如果你要買我的書,只是做。

  • it all in one week.

    它在一個星期內所有。

  • So we can leapfrog at least one of his killing books.

    所以,我們至少可以跳過他的一本殺人書。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Which week do you want us to all your book?

    你想讓我們在哪一週看完你的書?

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Right now, as we speak.

    現在 就在我們說話的時候

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Right now.

    現在。

  • This week.

    本週。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Right now.

    現在。

  • Go right now.

    現在就去。

  • Go to a local bookstore, a small bookstore, a big

    去當地的書店,小書店,大書店。

  • bookstore, online,

    書店、網上。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Your book is on Google Play.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:你的書在Google Play上。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: What does that mean?

    這是什麼意思?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: It's our online store.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:這是我們的在線商店。

  • You're going to end up being your best--

    你最終會成為你最好的------。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: I know all about Google Play.

    STEPHEN COLBERT:我知道Google Play的一切。

  • Really?

    真的嗎?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Yes.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:是的。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: So go to Google Play.

    STEPHEN COLBERT:所以去Google Play。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Absolutely.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:當然。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: And what happens there?

    那裡發生了什麼?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: People are going to pay you lots of money to

    人們會付給你很多錢,讓你去做。

  • buy your book.

    買你的書。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Well, then it's a wonderful service.

    好吧,那麼它'是一個美妙的服務。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Excellent.

    優秀的。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: So you go there, and you

    所以你去了那裡

  • can click on it?

    可以點擊它?

  • It's like going to, it's like that one that's named after a

    它就像去,它就像那個以一個名字命名的。

  • rainforest.

    雨林;

  • You go to that one.

    你去那個。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Yes.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:是的。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: You click on it and you get it?

    艾瑞克-施密特:你點擊它就能得到它?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Yes.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:是的。

  • It's the competitor to the rainforest.

    它'是雨林的競爭者。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: I don't

    我不知道。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: And further more--

    還有更多...

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Because we got to preserve that

    因為我們要保護這些東西。

  • rainforest.

    雨林;

  • We got to stop making books out of that rainforest.

    我們不能再用雨林做書了。

  • Do you get a physical book from you guys?

    你們那裡有實體書嗎?

  • Or is it all the ebook thing?

    還是都是電子書的事情?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: It's an ebook thing.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:這是一個電子書的事情。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: It's only ebook?

    它'只有電子書?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: You can get a physical, too.

    你也可以去做個體檢。

  • We'll sell you one of those.

    我們會賣給你一個。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: You will?

    你會嗎?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: We'll get it through your publisher.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:我們'會通過你的出版商得到它。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Good.

    很好

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: At list price, no less.

    按標價計算,不會少。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: What?

    什麼?

  • At less price?

    以較低的價格?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: At list price.

    艾瑞克-施密特:按清單價格。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: At list price?

    按上市價格?

  • At list price.

    按清單價格。

  • So go to Google + for no deal.

    所以去谷歌+沒有交易。

  • If you're willing to pay list-- which you should.

    如果你願意支付清單--你應該這樣做。

  • Because if you pay list price they include more book.

    因為如果你付了清單價,他們就會包含更多的書。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Understood.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:明白了。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: I'm not going to give this

    我不打算給這個。

  • stuff away for free.

    東西免費送。

  • "America Again, Re-Becoming the Greatness We Never

    "美國再一次,重新成為我們從來沒有的偉大。

  • Weren't." Has to be written this way, because clearly our

    Weren't."必須這樣寫,因為很明顯我們的。

  • country's in trouble, yes?

    國家有麻煩了,是嗎?

  • AUDIENCE: Yes.

    聽眾:是的。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: OK, you can tell because I am the country.

    好吧,你可以告訴,因為我是國家。

  • And I'm all beaten up on the cover here.

    而我'這裡的封面都被打爛了。

  • We want to re-become the greatness, right?

    我們要重新成為偉大的人,對嗎?

  • AUDIENCE: Yes.

    聽眾:是的。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: All right.

    好的。

  • But if I said we never were, then that would mean America

    但如果我說我們從來沒有過,那麼這意味著美國

  • was never great, right?

    從來沒有偉大的,對不對?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Yes.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:是的。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: But if I said that we presently aren't, that

    但如果我說,我們目前不是',這

  • would mean I'm criticizing America, which you

    將意味著我的責備美國,而你

  • mustn't ever do.

    決不能做。

  • Therefore, it's America again, re-becoming the greatness we

    是以,它的美國再次,重新成為偉大的我們。

  • never weren't.

    從不拒絕't。

  • Unless you've got something bad to say about

    除非你有什麼不好的東西說關於

  • America, Eric Schmidt.

    美國,埃裡克-施密特。

  • Do you have something bad to say about America?

    你對美國有什麼不好的評價嗎?

  • Because let me know.

    因為讓我知道。

  • Because I'm sure all these people and YouTube would love

    因為我相信所有這些人和YouTube都會喜歡。

  • to know what problem you've got with the US of A, mister.

    想知道你和美國有什麼問題,先生。

  • Because I don't.

    因為我沒有。

  • And I've proven it with a title that makes no sense.

    而我'已經用一個毫無意義的標題證明了這一點。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: In this doctrine of American exceptionalism,

    在這種美國例外主義的學說中。

  • right, which is I think what the book is actually about.

    對,我想這就是這本書的實際內容。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: It is about and that's the first chapter.

    STEPHEN COLBERT:這是關於和'的第一章。

  • It is the thesis statement, American exceptionalism.

    這就是論述,美國特殊主義。

  • Rules don't apply to us.

    規則不適用於我們。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: OK, so if that's true, how does America become

    好吧,如果這是真的,那麼美國如何成為

  • great if the rules don't apply to us?

    偉大的,如果規則不適用我們?

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Buy the book.

    買下這本書。

  • Every chapter tells us how to return to what we already know

    每一章都告訴我們如何回到我們已經知道的東西

  • is the right thing, is to reject socialism, reject

    是正確的事情,是拒絕社會主義,拒絕。

  • collectivism, and go with the gut.

    集體主義,隨心所欲。

  • We even have a chapter just on food.

    我們甚至有一章專門討論食物。

  • Why America is the crispest, crunchiest, most corn-fed

    為什麼美國是最脆、最脆、玉米餵養最多的國家?

  • nation on earth.

    地球上的國家。

  • And if you are what you eat, then just put a stick up our

    如果你是你所吃的,那麼只是把棍子放在我們的。

  • butt, and we're all corn dogs walking around.

    屁股,我們都是走來走去的玉米狗。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: In preparing for this book did you study the

    ERIC SCHMIDT:在準備這本書的過程中,你是否研究過《中國的故事》?

  • amendments to the Constitution?

    憲法修正案?

  • And did you have any opinions about the amendments?

    你對這些修正案有什麼意見嗎?

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: I always have opinions about the amendments

    我對修正案一直都有意見。

  • of the Constitution.

    憲法》的規定。

  • I mean everybody's got their top, like what their top 10

    我的意思是每個人都有自己的頂部,像什麼他們的前10名。

  • amendments are.

    修正案是:

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Do you have a top you like?

    你有喜歡的上衣嗎?

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: My number one would probably

    史蒂芬-科伯特:我的第一條可能就是

  • be the Second Amendment.

    是第二修正案。

  • And my number two would probably

    而我的第二號可能是

  • be the First Amendment.

    是第一修正案。

  • And then probably my third would be the Seventh.

    然後可能我的第三個是第七個。

  • My fourth would be the 10th.

    我的第四個會是第十個。

  • Fifth would be the Ninth.

    第五是第九。

  • Sixth would be the Eighth.

    第六個就是第八個了。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: Is everybody writing this down?

    大家都記下來了嗎?

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Yeah, get this down, because I don't

    是啊,把這個記下來,因為我不'。

  • have a rationale behind it.

    有理有據。

  • No, but there's nothing about the Constitution in the book.

    不,但書中沒有關於憲法的內容。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: But the Constitution allows

    但憲法允許...

  • this book to be.

    這本書要。

  • It's free speech.

    這是言論自由。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Well, sure, no, no, no--

    好吧,當然,不,不,不,不... ...

  • [INTERPOSING VOICES]

    [插播聲音]

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: The Second Amendment allows

    第二修正案允許...

  • this book to exist.

    這本書的存在。

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: The First Amentment--

    第一修正案...

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Because if anybody stopped-- no, no, the

    因為如果有人阻止...

  • Second Amendment.

    第二修正案。

  • Because if anybody stopped me from publishing this book, I

    因為如果有人阻止我出版這本書,我

  • would shoot them in the face.

    會拍他們的臉。

  • Do you understand me?

    你明白我的意思嗎?

  • Do you understand me?

    你明白我的意思嗎?

  • Are we clear?

    清楚了嗎?

  • ERIC SCHMIDT: That's very, very clear.

    ERIC SCHMIDT:這是非常非常清楚的。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: It does, the Second Amendment guarantees

    是的,第二修正案保證...

  • all other liberties.

    所有其他自由。

  • AUDIENCE: [LAUGHING]

    AUDIENCE:[笑]

  • AUDIENCE: Why did comedy, kind of, become your

    AUDIENCE: Why did comedy, kind of, become your own:Why did comedy, kind of, become your -- 為什麼喜劇會成為你的...

  • thing, do you think?

    你覺得呢?

  • Or did comedy kind of pick you?

    還是喜劇選了你?

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: Well, that's a nice way of putting it.

    STEPHEN COLBERT:嗯,這'是一個很好的方式把它。

  • That's a nice way of putting it.

    這'是個不錯的說法。

  • I would say, I can't under emphasize how important comedy

    我想說,我不能低估喜劇的重要性。

  • has been to my life.

    已對我的生活。

  • And how important certain opportunities that came along

    而某些機會的出現是多麼的重要

  • to my life, and many of them seem sort of accidental.

    對我的生活來說,許多人似乎都是偶然的。

  • I went to college to be an actor.

    我上大學是為了當演員。

  • But an actor, actor.

    但一個演員,演員。

  • I wore black and I had a beard.

    我穿的是黑衣服,還留了鬍子。

  • I was like, let me share my misery with you, you know.

    我當時想,讓我和你分享我的痛苦,你知道的。

  • And then I accidentally met some people from Second City

    然後我無意中認識了一些第二城市的人。

  • and took some classes there and got invited to audition.

    並在那裡上了一些課,並被邀請去試鏡。

  • And accidentally, just sort of a happy accident, fell in with

    不小心,只是一種快樂的意外,愛上了。

  • some great people.

    一些偉大的人。

  • And I quit Second City four times.

    而我退出二城四次。

  • I kept on returning to doing comedy.

    我不斷地回到做喜劇。

  • And I was backstage one night.

    有一天晚上,我在後臺。

  • And this is really the thing that made the decision for me.

    而這確實是讓我做出決定的原因。

  • Somebody was on stage, and they were supposed to do a

    有人在舞臺上,他們應該做一個...

  • very simple blackout.

    很簡單的停電。

  • A blackout is a very short-- it's got one joke, and then

    一個停電是一個非常短的--它有一個笑話,然後。

  • the lights go out.

    熄燈。

  • This is Second City.

    這裡是第二城。

  • It's a pace keeper for the show.

    它'是節目的節奏保持者。

  • She goes out there and the blackout is this, she goes--

    她走出去,停電是這樣的,她走--。

  • you're supposed to say, I'd like to do a song for you now.

    你'應該說,我'現在想為你做一首歌。

  • Welcome to the No Exit Cafe.

    歡迎來到 "無出口咖啡館"。

  • I'd like to do a song for you right now.

    我現在就想為你做一首歌。

  • A song for the whales.

    鯨魚之歌。

  • And then you tune up your guitar for a long time.

    然後你把吉他調了很久。

  • This is a song for the whales.

    這是為鯨魚唱的歌。

  • And then you go--

    然後你就...

  • [IMITATING WHALES]

    [模仿鯨魚]

  • [CLICKING]

    [點擊]

  • STEPHEN COLBERT: It's very simple.

    STEPHEN COLBERT:這很簡單。

  • You do whistle and clicks and everything.

    你會吹口哨,點擊和一切。

  • It's fine.

    它的罰款。

  • Not a great laugh.

    不是很好笑。

  • But it works every time.

    但每次都能成功。

  • She goes out there to do it.

    她到外面去做。

  • I'd like to do a song for you right now.

    我現在就想為你做一首歌。

  • I'd like to do a song for you right now.

    我現在就想為你做一首歌。

  • She just goes into her whistling and her clicking.

    她只是去她的口哨聲和她的點擊。

  • And we're backstage waiting to go on for the next

    而我們在後臺等待著下一次的上場

  • scene, me and Dave.

    現場,我和戴夫。

  • And we said, it's not getting any laughs.

    我們說,它'沒有得到任何笑料。

  • This is fool proof.

    這是傻瓜式的。

  • No laughs at all.

    一點也不笑。

  • What's going on?

    怎麼了?

  • Something's wrong.

    有什麼地方不對勁。

  • And then she goes, oh, I forgot it's song for whales.

    然後她說,哦,我忘了這是給鯨魚的歌。

  • And we burst into laughter backstage.

    而我們在後臺笑得前仰後合。

  • And we threw our arms around each other in the

    我們互相摟著對方,在...

  • agony of her failure.

    她失敗的痛苦。

  • And just laughing, we fell like a collapsing teepee.

    而就在笑聲中,我們就像倒塌的茶棚一樣倒下了。