ERIC SCHMIDT: Welcome to Google.

ERIC SCHMIDT：歡迎來到谷歌。

STEPHEN COLBERT: A pleasure to be here in the flesh.

很高興能在這裡見到你的肉體。

I watch you guys online all the time, really great show.

我一直在網上看你們的節目，真的很精彩。

It's slow, but you just never know where the plot's going.

它'很慢，但你就是永遠不知道劇情的走向。

ERIC SCHMIDT: Jim DeMint has just announced--

吉姆-德明特剛剛宣佈...

STEPHEN COLBERT: Jim DeMint, yes, yeah.

吉姆-德明特，是的，是的。

Jim's a friend, but go ahead.

吉姆是我的朋友，但請繼續。

ERIC SCHMIDT: He's just announced that he's retiring.

他剛剛宣佈他要退休了。

And it occurs to me that you might want to-- you're from

我覺得你可能會想... 你來自...

South Carolina originally, I think?

南卡羅來納州最初，我想？

STEPHEN COLBERT: Yes, I am.

是的，我是。

I'm from South Carolina, the palmetto state.

我來自南卡羅來納州，棕櫚州。

ERIC SCHMIDT: You might want to run for Senate.

你可能想競選參議員。

STEPHEN COLBERT: No, I do not want to run for Senate.

不，我不想競選參議員。

I want Nikki Haley to just appoint me to senate.

我想讓Nikki Haley任命我為參議員。

That's the great thing, people are asking me, are you going

這就是偉大的事情，人們都在問我，你要去嗎？

to run for Senate?

競選參議員？

And like, no, why would you run?

就像，不，你為什麼要跑？

She just gets to say, it's you.

她就可以說，是你。

So, yeah, while I'm honored by what you're implying and by

所以，是的，雖然我很榮幸，你所暗示的和

the groundswell that I've felt.

的理由，我'感到。

But obviously, that's something I have to take up

但很明顯，這是我必須要做的事情。

with my family and my pastor before I decide whether to

在我決定是否與家人和我的牧師合作之前

take that position.

採取這種立場。

Is there another question, Senator?

還有別的問題嗎，參議員？

ERIC SCHMIDT: Do you think Bill O'Reilly would be a

ERIC SCHMIDT：你認為Bill O'Reilly會是一個。

better choice?

更好的選擇？

STEPHEN COLBERT: He's not in South Carolina.

他不在南卡羅來納州。

But he's a very talented man.

但他'是個很有才華的人。

And I sincerely admire his broadcasting abilities.

而我也由衷地佩服他的播音能力。

ERIC SCHMIDT: But, you know, you're locked

但是，你知道，你被鎖定了。

in a deathly battle.

在一場死戰中。

STEPHEN COLBERT: With Bill right now?

現在和比爾在一起？

ERIC SCHMIDT: Yes.

ERIC SCHMIDT：是的。

STEPHEN COLBERT: Oh, you mean over the--

你是說在...

ERIC SCHMIDT: The book.

這本書。

STEPHEN COLBERT: Over the book, exactly.

確切地說，是在書上。

Bill's got a book called "Killing Kennedy." And I

比爾有一本書叫《殺死肯尼迪》，而我呢？

admire his obsession with terrible things happening to

佩服他對發生在可怕的事情的執著。

presidents.

主席們，

He's got "Killing Lincoln," "Killing Kennedy," "Sodomizing

他得到了"殺害林肯，""殺害肯尼迪，""雞姦。

Coolidge"--

Coolidge"--

that's a kids' book.

那是一本兒童'書。

He was on John Stewart's show.

他在約翰-斯圖爾特'的節目中。

And he said his next book is going to be called "Killing

而且他說他的下一本書要叫"殺戮"。

Colbert." And it broke my character's heart so much to

柯爾伯特."而且它打破了我的角色'的心臟如此之大，以。

hear Papa Bear say that.

聽熊爸爸說，。

So we launched operation Killing "Killing Kennedy."

所以我們發起了 "殺戮行動"殺害肯尼迪"&quot。

Where I'm just telling my audience out there--

在那裡我只是告訴我的觀眾在那裡 -

I'm not telling you to buy my book.

我&39;不是叫你買我的書。

I don't want to abuse the relationship.

我不想濫用這種關係。

But I'm just reminding them, if you're going to buy my

但我只是提醒他們，如果你要買我的

book-- and you are--

書... 而你是...

if you're going to buy my book, just do

如果你要買我的書，只是做。

it all in one week.

它在一個星期內所有。

So we can leapfrog at least one of his killing books.

所以，我們至少可以跳過他的一本殺人書。

ERIC SCHMIDT: Which week do you want us to all your book?

你想讓我們在哪一週看完你的書？

STEPHEN COLBERT: Right now, as we speak.

現在 就在我們說話的時候

ERIC SCHMIDT: Right now.

現在。

This week.

本週。

STEPHEN COLBERT: Right now.

現在。

Go right now.

現在就去。

Go to a local bookstore, a small bookstore, a big

去當地的書店，小書店，大書店。

bookstore, online,

書店、網上。

ERIC SCHMIDT: Your book is on Google Play.

ERIC SCHMIDT：你的書在Google Play上。

STEPHEN COLBERT: What does that mean?

這是什麼意思？

ERIC SCHMIDT: It's our online store.

ERIC SCHMIDT：這是我們的在線商店。

You're going to end up being your best--

你最終會成為你最好的------。

STEPHEN COLBERT: I know all about Google Play.

STEPHEN COLBERT：我知道Google Play的一切。

Really?

真的嗎？

ERIC SCHMIDT: Yes.

ERIC SCHMIDT：是的。

STEPHEN COLBERT: So go to Google Play.

STEPHEN COLBERT：所以去Google Play。

ERIC SCHMIDT: Absolutely.

ERIC SCHMIDT：當然。

STEPHEN COLBERT: And what happens there?

那裡發生了什麼？

ERIC SCHMIDT: People are going to pay you lots of money to

人們會付給你很多錢，讓你去做。

buy your book.

買你的書。

STEPHEN COLBERT: Well, then it's a wonderful service.

好吧，那麼它'是一個美妙的服務。

ERIC SCHMIDT: Excellent.

優秀的。

STEPHEN COLBERT: So you go there, and you

所以你去了那裡

can click on it?

可以點擊它？

It's like going to, it's like that one that's named after a

它就像去，它就像那個以一個名字命名的。

rainforest.

雨林；

You go to that one.

你去那個。

ERIC SCHMIDT: Yes.

ERIC SCHMIDT：是的。

ERIC SCHMIDT: You click on it and you get it?

艾瑞克-施密特：你點擊它就能得到它？

ERIC SCHMIDT: Yes.

ERIC SCHMIDT：是的。

It's the competitor to the rainforest.

它'是雨林的競爭者。

STEPHEN COLBERT: I don't

我不知道。

ERIC SCHMIDT: And further more--

還有更多...

STEPHEN COLBERT: Because we got to preserve that

因為我們要保護這些東西。

rainforest.

雨林；

We got to stop making books out of that rainforest.

我們不能再用雨林做書了。

Do you get a physical book from you guys?

你們那裡有實體書嗎？

Or is it all the ebook thing?

還是都是電子書的事情？

ERIC SCHMIDT: It's an ebook thing.

ERIC SCHMIDT：這是一個電子書的事情。

STEPHEN COLBERT: It's only ebook?

它'只有電子書？

ERIC SCHMIDT: You can get a physical, too.

你也可以去做個體檢。

We'll sell you one of those.

我們會賣給你一個。

STEPHEN COLBERT: You will?

你會嗎？

ERIC SCHMIDT: We'll get it through your publisher.

ERIC SCHMIDT：我們'會通過你的出版商得到它。

STEPHEN COLBERT: Good.

很好

ERIC SCHMIDT: At list price, no less.

按標價計算，不會少。

STEPHEN COLBERT: What?

什麼？

At less price?

以較低的價格？

ERIC SCHMIDT: At list price.

艾瑞克-施密特：按清單價格。

STEPHEN COLBERT: At list price?

按上市價格？

At list price.

按清單價格。

So go to Google + for no deal.

所以去谷歌+沒有交易。

If you're willing to pay list-- which you should.

如果你願意支付清單--你應該這樣做。

Because if you pay list price they include more book.

因為如果你付了清單價，他們就會包含更多的書。

ERIC SCHMIDT: Understood.

ERIC SCHMIDT：明白了。

STEPHEN COLBERT: I'm not going to give this

我不打算給這個。

stuff away for free.

東西免費送。

"America Again, Re-Becoming the Greatness We Never

"美國再一次，重新成為我們從來沒有的偉大。

Weren't." Has to be written this way, because clearly our

Weren't."必須這樣寫，因為很明顯我們的。

country's in trouble, yes?

國家有麻煩了，是嗎？

AUDIENCE: Yes.

聽眾：是的。

STEPHEN COLBERT: OK, you can tell because I am the country.

好吧，你可以告訴，因為我是國家。

And I'm all beaten up on the cover here.

而我'這裡的封面都被打爛了。

We want to re-become the greatness, right?

我們要重新成為偉大的人，對嗎？

AUDIENCE: Yes.

聽眾：是的。

STEPHEN COLBERT: All right.

好的。

But if I said we never were, then that would mean America

但如果我說我們從來沒有過，那麼這意味著美國

was never great, right?

從來沒有偉大的，對不對？

ERIC SCHMIDT: Yes.

ERIC SCHMIDT：是的。

STEPHEN COLBERT: But if I said that we presently aren't, that

但如果我說，我們目前不是'，這

would mean I'm criticizing America, which you

將意味著我的責備美國，而你

mustn't ever do.

決不能做。

Therefore, it's America again, re-becoming the greatness we

是以，它的美國再次，重新成為偉大的我們。

never weren't.

從不拒絕't。

Unless you've got something bad to say about

除非你有什麼不好的東西說關於

America, Eric Schmidt.

美國，埃裡克-施密特。

Do you have something bad to say about America?

你對美國有什麼不好的評價嗎？

Because let me know.

因為讓我知道。

Because I'm sure all these people and YouTube would love

因為我相信所有這些人和YouTube都會喜歡。

to know what problem you've got with the US of A, mister.

想知道你和美國有什麼問題，先生。

Because I don't.

因為我沒有。

And I've proven it with a title that makes no sense.

而我'已經用一個毫無意義的標題證明了這一點。

ERIC SCHMIDT: In this doctrine of American exceptionalism,

在這種美國例外主義的學說中。

right, which is I think what the book is actually about.

對，我想這就是這本書的實際內容。

STEPHEN COLBERT: It is about and that's the first chapter.

STEPHEN COLBERT：這是關於和&#39；的第一章。

It is the thesis statement, American exceptionalism.

這就是論述，美國特殊主義。

Rules don't apply to us.

規則不適用於我們。

ERIC SCHMIDT: OK, so if that's true, how does America become

好吧，如果這是真的，那麼美國如何成為

great if the rules don't apply to us?

偉大的，如果規則不適用我們？

STEPHEN COLBERT: Buy the book.

買下這本書。

Every chapter tells us how to return to what we already know

每一章都告訴我們如何回到我們已經知道的東西

is the right thing, is to reject socialism, reject

是正確的事情，是拒絕社會主義，拒絕。

collectivism, and go with the gut.

集體主義，隨心所欲。

We even have a chapter just on food.

我們甚至有一章專門討論食物。

Why America is the crispest, crunchiest, most corn-fed

為什麼美國是最脆、最脆、玉米餵養最多的國家？

nation on earth.

地球上的國家。

And if you are what you eat, then just put a stick up our

如果你是你所吃的，那麼只是把棍子放在我們的。

butt, and we're all corn dogs walking around.

屁股，我們都是走來走去的玉米狗。

ERIC SCHMIDT: In preparing for this book did you study the

ERIC SCHMIDT：在準備這本書的過程中，你是否研究過《中國的故事》？

amendments to the Constitution?

憲法修正案？

And did you have any opinions about the amendments?

你對這些修正案有什麼意見嗎？

STEPHEN COLBERT: I always have opinions about the amendments

我對修正案一直都有意見。

of the Constitution.

憲法》的規定。

I mean everybody's got their top, like what their top 10

我的意思是每個人都有自己的頂部，像什麼他們的前10名。

amendments are.

修正案是：

ERIC SCHMIDT: Do you have a top you like?

你有喜歡的上衣嗎？

STEPHEN COLBERT: My number one would probably

史蒂芬-科伯特：我的第一條可能就是

be the Second Amendment.

是第二修正案。

And my number two would probably

而我的第二號可能是

be the First Amendment.

是第一修正案。

And then probably my third would be the Seventh.

然後可能我的第三個是第七個。

My fourth would be the 10th.

我的第四個會是第十個。

Fifth would be the Ninth.

第五是第九。

Sixth would be the Eighth.

第六個就是第八個了。

ERIC SCHMIDT: Is everybody writing this down?

大家都記下來了嗎？

STEPHEN COLBERT: Yeah, get this down, because I don't

是啊，把這個記下來，因為我不'。

have a rationale behind it.

有理有據。

No, but there's nothing about the Constitution in the book.

不，但書中沒有關於憲法的內容。

ERIC SCHMIDT: But the Constitution allows

但憲法允許...

this book to be.

這本書要。

It's free speech.

這是言論自由。

STEPHEN COLBERT: Well, sure, no, no, no--

好吧，當然，不，不，不，不... ...

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[插播聲音]

STEPHEN COLBERT: The Second Amendment allows

第二修正案允許...

this book to exist.

這本書的存在。

ERIC SCHMIDT: The First Amentment--

第一修正案...

STEPHEN COLBERT: Because if anybody stopped-- no, no, the

因為如果有人阻止...

Second Amendment.

第二修正案。

Because if anybody stopped me from publishing this book, I

因為如果有人阻止我出版這本書，我

would shoot them in the face.

會拍他們的臉。

Do you understand me?

你明白我的意思嗎？

Do you understand me?

你明白我的意思嗎？

Are we clear?

清楚了嗎？

ERIC SCHMIDT: That's very, very clear.

ERIC SCHMIDT：這是非常非常清楚的。

STEPHEN COLBERT: It does, the Second Amendment guarantees

是的，第二修正案保證...

all other liberties.

所有其他自由。

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE:[笑]

AUDIENCE: Why did comedy, kind of, become your

AUDIENCE: Why did comedy, kind of, become your own:Why did comedy, kind of, become your -- 為什麼喜劇會成為你的...

thing, do you think?

你覺得呢？

Or did comedy kind of pick you?

還是喜劇選了你？

STEPHEN COLBERT: Well, that's a nice way of putting it.

STEPHEN COLBERT：嗯，這'是一個很好的方式把它。

That's a nice way of putting it.

這'是個不錯的說法。

I would say, I can't under emphasize how important comedy

我想說，我不能低估喜劇的重要性。

has been to my life.

已對我的生活。

And how important certain opportunities that came along

而某些機會的出現是多麼的重要

to my life, and many of them seem sort of accidental.

對我的生活來說，許多人似乎都是偶然的。

I went to college to be an actor.

我上大學是為了當演員。

But an actor, actor.

但一個演員，演員。

I wore black and I had a beard.

我穿的是黑衣服，還留了鬍子。

I was like, let me share my misery with you, you know.

我當時想，讓我和你分享我的痛苦，你知道的。

And then I accidentally met some people from Second City

然後我無意中認識了一些第二城市的人。

and took some classes there and got invited to audition.

並在那裡上了一些課，並被邀請去試鏡。

And accidentally, just sort of a happy accident, fell in with

不小心，只是一種快樂的意外，愛上了。

some great people.

一些偉大的人。

And I quit Second City four times.

而我退出二城四次。

I kept on returning to doing comedy.

我不斷地回到做喜劇。

And I was backstage one night.

有一天晚上，我在後臺。

And this is really the thing that made the decision for me.

而這確實是讓我做出決定的原因。

Somebody was on stage, and they were supposed to do a

有人在舞臺上，他們應該做一個...

very simple blackout.

很簡單的停電。

A blackout is a very short-- it's got one joke, and then

一個停電是一個非常短的--它有一個笑話，然後。

the lights go out.

熄燈。

This is Second City.

這裡是第二城。

It's a pace keeper for the show.

它'是節目的節奏保持者。

She goes out there and the blackout is this, she goes--

她走出去，停電是這樣的，她走--。

you're supposed to say, I'd like to do a song for you now.

你'應該說，我'現在想為你做一首歌。

Welcome to the No Exit Cafe.

歡迎來到 "無出口咖啡館"。

I'd like to do a song for you right now.

我現在就想為你做一首歌。

A song for the whales.

鯨魚之歌。

And then you tune up your guitar for a long time.

然後你把吉他調了很久。

This is a song for the whales.

這是為鯨魚唱的歌。

And then you go--

然後你就...

[IMITATING WHALES]

[模仿鯨魚]

[CLICKING]

[點擊]

STEPHEN COLBERT: It's very simple.

STEPHEN COLBERT：這很簡單。

You do whistle and clicks and everything.

你會吹口哨，點擊和一切。

It's fine.

它的罰款。

Not a great laugh.

不是很好笑。

But it works every time.

但每次都能成功。

She goes out there to do it.

她到外面去做。

I'd like to do a song for you right now.

我現在就想為你做一首歌。

I'd like to do a song for you right now.

我現在就想為你做一首歌。

She just goes into her whistling and her clicking.

她只是去她的口哨聲和她的點擊。

And we're backstage waiting to go on for the next

而我們在後臺等待著下一次的上場

scene, me and Dave.

現場，我和戴夫。

And we said, it's not getting any laughs.

我們說，它'沒有得到任何笑料。

This is fool proof.

這是傻瓜式的。

No laughs at all.

一點也不笑。

What's going on?

怎麼了？

Something's wrong.

有什麼地方不對勁。

And then she goes, oh, I forgot it's song for whales.

然後她說，哦，我忘了這是給鯨魚的歌。

And we burst into laughter backstage.

而我們在後臺笑得前仰後合。

And we threw our arms around each other in the

我們互相摟著對方，在...

agony of her failure.

她失敗的痛苦。