How you guys doing today?

你們今天好嗎？

I'm great, thanks for not asking.

我很好，謝謝你們的忽略。

I just want to take a second and apologize, because I think I have a cold, and my voice sounds so weird right now, I don't even know, sorry.

我想要花簡短幾秒道個歉，因為我覺得我好像感冒了，讓我的聲音現在聽起來非常怪，我甚至不知道... 抱歉。

If you saw my last video or some of my other videos, you know that I'm single. Like, very single.

如果你有看過我上個影片或是其他的影片，你就會知道我現在仍然單身。就是，非常的單身。

But it's cool, I'm fine with it, no biggie.

但沒差，我很好，沒什麼大不了。

You know, I cry myself to sleep sometimes, but whatever.

你知道，我有時候會哭著入睡，但隨便啦。

Having been single for a long time, I've been around a lot of couples, and you know, done some observing.

我單身了很長一段時間，身旁有著很多對情侶，所以你知道，我於是有了一些觀察。

Some stalking, same thing.

幹過一些跟蹤事，差不多啦。

In watching these relationships, I've seen so much stupid stuff that makes me not want a relationship.

在看了這些戀愛關係後，我見識到了太多愚蠢的事情，讓我變得不想要和別人交往。

Now, don't get me wrong, there are obviously great things about relationships, but there are so many things that ruin it for me.

好，不要誤會了，戀愛關係裡當然有很多美好的事情，但當中也有太多讓我無法接受的蠢事。

For example, public displays of affection, a.k.a. PDA.

舉例來說，在公眾場合曬恩愛，也就是放閃。

AKA PDA AKA PDA AKA...

放閃、放閃、放閃...

Okay, chill, chill, chill.

好了，冷靜冷靜。

I'll be walking down the hallways at school, and oh look, couples grinding up on each other against lockers.

我走在學校的走廊上，然後... 噢，你看，有情侶正靠著儲物櫃卿卿我我 。

Awesome.

好極了。

That also goes out to the lovey dovey flirts on Twitter and Instagram.

還有那些在 Twitter 跟 Instagram 上肉麻的調情。

By the way, don't forget to follow me, user name: @motokimaxted. What?

順帶一提，別忘了追蹤我。我的帳號是 @motokimaxted。啥？

I don't want to see you couples seducing each other, okay?

我不想要看到你們這些情侶互相色誘彼此，好嗎？

You can do it privately.

你們可以私下做。

Suppress your hormones.

克制住你們的賀爾蒙。

And they always say the same lame stuff in every single conversation.

而且他們每次在談話時總是說同樣無趣的話。

"Oh my god, I love you."

「噢我的天啊，我好愛你。」

"No bae, I love you so much more."

「不，寶貝，我愛你更多。」

"Oh, I want you inside me."

「噢，我想要你進到我裡面。」

"Uh, what?"

「呃 ，什麼？」

Stop. Stop that shit!

停。給我停！

I just...

我只是...

Ugh, you know?

呃，你懂吧？

It's funny, though, when couples think they're madly in love, when they've literally been dating for like a week.

不過有趣的是，當情侶們認為他們正愛的轟轟烈烈，但實際上他們也才交往不過一個禮拜而已。

Oh yeah, that's love all right.

喔是喔，啊不就真愛。

Like, am I getting invited to the wedding or what?

所以我哪時候會收到你們的喜帖？

Which reminds me, I hate it when couples get so wrapped up in each other, that they stop hanging out with the friends that they've had for years.

這讓我想到，我最討厭當情侶開始膩在一起之後，便不再和他們多年的老朋友們一起玩。

If you stop talking to your friends, then who are you going to turn to if the relationship ends?

如果你停止跟你的朋友聯絡，那當你的關係告終時你該向誰傾訴呢？

But that's none of my business.

但這不關我的事。

And that brings me on to my next point.

而且這還會帶到下一個我要講的點。

Relationships cause so much, so so much unneeded drama, uh, no thank you.

戀愛關係裡有超級、超級多不必要的爭風吃醋。嗯，不了，謝謝。

Another reason why relationships suck is because they're expensive, especially for guys.

另一個為什麼戀愛關係爛透了的原因，是因為它要花上大量金錢，尤其是對男生而言。

Why is it that guys have to pay for everything?

為什麼總是男生得負責出錢？

Come on, society, this is 2014. Where's the equality?

幫幫忙好嗎，都已經 2014 年了，性別平等在哪裡？

Hitler's dead.

希特勒都已經死了。

I've seen guys drop so much money on gifts and dates, and they're like, "Where'd all my money go?"

我看過男生在買禮物跟約會上砸很多錢，然後在那邊喊：「我的錢都跑到哪裡去了？」

While single me is sitting at home like...

而單身的我在家就像這樣...

Something that really annoys me is seeing people in relationships that are constantly unhappy because of their significant other.

有件特別讓我惱怒的事是，我常看到人們因為自己的另一半而悶悶不樂。

That's stupid.

那真的很愚蠢。

Obviously, couples fight, but I'm talking people who are always upset with each other.

情侶會吵架是理所當然的，但我說的是那些總是對彼此不高興的人。

Why do you do that?

你們為什麼要這麼做？

You could be spending time doing stuff that you actually enjoy instead.

你們可以花時間做一些真正樂在其中的事情。

Oh right, my bad. That makes too much sense.

好吧，是我不好。是我說的太合理了。

You know, I've never understood how younger teens date.

你知道嗎，我一直都無法理解青少年要怎麼談戀愛。

I think that at least one person in the relationship needs to be able to drive.

我覺得情侶中至少要有一個人會開車。

I mean, how else are you supposed to go on dates?

我的意思是，不然你要怎麼出去約會？

Isn't that the whole point of dating?

那不就是整個約會的重點嗎？

You know, going on dates, right?

你知道，出去約會，對吧？

Like are these freshman guys going to go up to their girlfriend's house, and be like,

好比這些高一新生要去他們女朋友的家，然後說，

"Ay, come jump on my bicycle! Let's go get some candy!"

「欸，來跳上我的腳踏車吧！我們去買個糖吃吧！」

Y'all are wack.

你們都是怪胎。

I think that sometimes people feel pressured to be in relationships because other people are doing it, so they do it too to try to be cool.

我覺得有時候有些人是被迫跟別人交往的。因為其他人都在這麼做，所以他們也這麼做，才能看起來很酷。

Like guys at my school who find out I don't have a girlfriend will try to convince me to get one.

就像是我學校的男生發現我沒有女朋友時，總會說服我去交一個。

"Come on, dude, get that ass! Get that pussy!"

「去吧，小伙子，把個妹吧！快把到她！」

Like no, I'm good. Thanks, though.

不，我就算了。不過謝了。

Girls, stay away from those guys! There are so many that just want to get in your pants.

女孩們，妳們要離那種男生遠一點。外面有太多男生只是想「上你」而已。

It's ridiculous! Uh, don't get pregnant.

這實在太荒謬了！呃，小心別懷孕了。

Okay so, since we're on the topic, and I get this question a lot. I don't even know why.

好，既然我們討論到了這個主題，而我也不知為何經常被問到這個問題。

But anyone who's wondering, I'm a virgin.

但是任何在猜想的人，對，我是個處男。

"Wow, dude, you're such a loser."

「哇噢，你這傢伙真是個魯蛇。」

Yeah, I don't really care.

對啦，我根本不在乎。

I'm sorry, I don't think about sex 24/7.

對不起，我不會整天 24 小時都想著性愛。

It's more like 23 hours a day.

只有 23 小時而已啦。

Look, I'm obviously curious what it's like, but that's not my first priority in life.

聽著，我當然很好奇那會是什麼樣的感覺，不過那不是我人生的優先目標。

And the same thing goes for relationships. I just want to have fun in high school.

戀愛對我來說也是這樣，我只是想享受高中生活的樂趣。

I don't want to have to worry about another person because I can barely handle myself.

我並不想還得擔心另一個人，畢竟我連自己都是泥菩薩過江了。

I honestly think that people spend way too much time worrying about relationships while they're in school, when instead, they could, oh I don't know, pay attention in class, yeah!

坦白來說，我認為大家在學校花太多時間在戀愛上面了。其實上他們根本可以，該怎麼說呢？專心上課，對吧！

Fuck me, right?

想罵我，對吧？

All right, that's just some of the reasons why I think relationships suck.

好了，這些就是一些我覺得戀愛關係爛透了的原因。

Listen, I'm not trying to hate on anyone who's in relationships.

聽著，我不是要討厭任何在戀愛關係中的人。

Obviously, I've seen teen couples have great times with each other.

當然，我看過許多相處得很好的情侶。

It just depends on who's involved and how mature they are.

這完全是取決於人，還有他們的成熟度。

Plus, it's way more fun to rant about how dumb relationships are.

而且可以盡情數落戀愛有多麼愚蠢也比較好玩。

It's kind of weird, because I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things being single, but then I order some pizza, and we're all good.

這是種有點奇怪的感覺，因為我總覺得我好像因為單身而錯過很多東西，但當我在想完然後叫了份披薩後，一切又美好了起來。

But who knows, maybe I'll have a girlfriend next month.

不過誰知道呢，搞不好我下個月就會交到一個女朋友也說不定。

Probably not, because I have zero game.

估計是不會啦，因為我沒有任何「把妹神招」。

But you know, there's always a chance.

不過你懂的，總還是會有一點可能性。

But that's all that I have for you guys today.

不過今天這個影片就到這邊了。

My voice is gone. I can't even, ah, blah, blah, blah.

我快沒聲音了。我甚至不能 @#$%。

By the way, for like the three of you who are wondering, this is a mole.

對了，回答一個大概只有三個人想知道的問題，這是一顆痣。

Yep, I'm human, I have those.

是的，我是人類，我身上有痣。

None of you probably care, but I'm extremely self-conscious, and I just wanted to get that off my chest.

你們可能不在乎，但是我極度地沒自信，而且我真的很想把這個從我胸口移除。

But I can't, because it's like literally on my chest.

但我做不到，因為他真的就長在我胸上。

Ha ha, I'm so funny, I should make YouTube videos.

哈哈，我真好笑，我應該要拍 YouTube 影片的。

If you enjoyed the video, please give me a thumbs up, comment, subscribe. You know what to do.

如果你喜歡這部影片，請給我一個讚、留個言、訂閱。你知道該怎麼做。

I appreciate it, thank you guys.

我很感激，謝謝你們。

Also, don't forget to add me on your favorite social media.

同樣的，別忘記要在你喜歡的社群網站加我。

I post daily Snapchats, if you're into that.

我每天會發 Snapchat，如果你喜歡的話。

Thank you guys so much for watching. I'll see you guys soon.

謝謝你們的觀看，我很快會再跟你們相見。