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  • [ Bagpipes ] [ Cheers and applause ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Thank you. Thank you.

  • And, please, stop doing that. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: What is your name, sir? >>> Stephen.

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Stephen, thank you for playing music usually reserved for a fireman's funeral.

  • That's creating a really nice atmosphere for me right now.

  • How are you all doing, everybody? How are you, Google?

  • [ Cheers and applause ] >>Conan O'Brien: Who the hell are you?

  • Welcome to Google. >>Vic Gundotra: Welcome to Google.

  • It's very nice that you could be here. It's exciting.

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Thank you, thank you. People are so thrilled to see you.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: I noticed that. >>Conan O'Brien: What a rare honor for them

  • to see you in the flesh. >>Vic Gundotra: Yes, on behalf of all the

  • Googlers, let me -- >>Conan O'Brien: You call yourselves Googlers.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: We do. Aren't we Googlers?

  • Googlers, yeah. [ Applause ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Let's start there. We can do better than "Googler," okay?

  • Something cooler, especially for the guys when they're walking into a bar, you hear

  • what I'm saying. I'm a Googler.

  • [ Laughter ] >>Conan O'Brien: You don't want to -- like,

  • I'm a "G" man or something. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: You've got to get something else going, because "Googler"!

  • >>Vic Gundotra: Welcome. >>Conan O'Brien: We're pretty much done here,

  • aren't we? >>Vic Gundotra: We are done.

  • >>Conan O'Brien: You seem stunned. >>Vic Gundotra: Yes.

  • So -- >>Conan O'Brien: But you invited me, and that's

  • your problem. >>Vic Gundotra: I did.

  • So you were at Twitter last week. >>Conan O'Brien: No.

  • It was a couple of weeks ago. Look it up online.

  • Ha-ha. [ Applause ]

  • >>Vic Gundotra: This is harder than it looks. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Yes. I love this format.

  • What is this format we're doing here? This is nice.

  • So -- >>Vic Gundotra: It's kind of like a slow dance.

  • Exactly. Like a slow dance.

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Circling me. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Vic Gundotra: It's like a waltz. Let's see --

  • >>Conan O'Brien: I'm a Googler. >>Vic Gundotra: "G" man.

  • >>Conan O'Brien: "G" man, yes. So what were you asking me?

  • You asked me about Twitter. Yes, I went by Twitter.

  • Does that bother you guys? Are you guys mad at Twitter or something?

  • I don't know what the rivalries are here. You have to explain it to me.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: It wasn't a rivalry. A lot of us were wondering the intentions,

  • Intel, Twitter, Googler. Coco, level with me, are you looking for a

  • job in the Silicon Valley. Is that what you're doing?

  • >>Conan O'Brien: I'm looking for free stuff. >>Vic Gundotra: Free stuff.

  • You've come to the right place. You've come to the right place.

  • Why don't you have a seat. >>Conan O'Brien: Yes, let's sit in this fake

  • airport lounge that we've created. >>Vic Gundotra: Yes.

  • [ Laughter ] >>Conan O'Brien: My flight was supposed to

  • board 20 minutes ago. Is this complimentary?

  • >>Vic Gundotra: It is. >>Conan O'Brien: Then this trip was worth

  • it. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: So I'm sure you have many questions for me.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: I do. But don't mind me.

  • If you feel like dancing, go right for it. >>Conan O'Brien: Whatever you like.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: So we have a thing inside Google called a Dory.

  • It basically allows -- a Dory, an internal name: You don't need to know what it is.

  • [ Laughter ] .

  • >>Vic Gundotra: It allows -- >>Conan O'Brien: The most condescending man

  • I've ever met. Hey, don't you worry about it.

  • [ Laughter ] >>Conan O'Brien: You just relax and let the

  • search engine do the work. >>Vic Gundotra: We have 45 minutes.

  • We're just getting started. >>Conan O'Brien: I've got nowhere else to

  • go. This looks like the club in purple rain.

  • I like everybody -- [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Are you all -- whoo! -- dancing?

  • When Morris day and the time come out. You kids are young.

  • You'll figure it out soon. >>Vic Gundotra: So Googlers, or "G" men --

  • >>Conan O'Brien: And ladies. >>Vic Gundotra: -- and ladies, submitted a

  • bunch of questions. It's a very Democratic process.

  • We get to vote on the best questions. And then I cull them and pick the best one,

  • so it's quasi Democratic, I guess. >>Conan O'Brien: It's not Democratic at all.

  • [ Laughter ] >>Conan O'Brien: That's like Stalin saying,

  • "You guys decide amongst yourselves and then I'll kill all of you."

  • >>Vic Gundotra: Yeah, I guess you're right. >>Conan O'Brien: How is that Democratic?

  • >>Vic Gundotra: You have a point. >>Conan O'Brien: You have the illusion of

  • democracy here. Give them some turquoise girl's bicycles.

  • [ Laughter. ] >>Conan O'Brien: Give them some free chai

  • lattes, and then grind them for all they're worth.

  • [ Laughter. ] >>Conan O'Brien: You're getting nervous, aren't

  • you? >>Vic Gundotra: No.

  • [ Laughter. ] >>Conan O'Brien: You're wishing I hadn't come.

  • [ Laughter ] >>Vic Gundotra: Let's start with the questions.

  • [ Laughter ] >>Vic Gundotra: The first one is from a Googler

  • named "Chirp." >>Conan O'Brien: Named what?

  • >>Vic Gundotra: It says "chirp." I'm sorry. It says "Chip."

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Why are you running this thing?

  • "This first question is from Chirp." [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Lipslav gibble ja- -- Oh, I'm sorry. It's upside-down.

  • You're going to be fine. Breathe deeply.

  • We'll get through this. >>Vic Gundotra: Here's the question: What

  • lessons and wisdom can you offer those seeking to grow a beard as luxurious as yours?

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Shots of testosterone helped me.

  • I grew this beard pretty much out of -- it was a -- a feeling of -- for every day for

  • 17 years, I've had to shave. And I just -- the first day that I didn't

  • have "The Tonight Show," I woke up and I thought, at least I don't have to shave.

  • And then I went with that. And it's one of those things where you just

  • go with the opportunity. I just stopped shaving.

  • And then, really, very quickly, 'cause I'm all man, --

  • [ Laughter ] >>Conan O'Brien: -- I had this beard, literally,

  • within a day, I had this beard. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: I am very -- I am just all man is what I am.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: Good answer. >>Conan O'Brien: I -- so I say -- but, you

  • know, you hipsters and hep cats, you -- What generation is this?

  • You're not "Y" even. You're past "Y."

  • How old are you people? Are you all in your twenties?

  • [ Cheers and applause ] >>Conan O'Brien: So you've, like, never even

  • heard of the television show "chips." I'm just running a test.

  • You don't even know what that was. You were all born, like, after "the Cosby

  • show" was off the air. I'm quickly trying to find out who this audience

  • is. All in your twenties.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: They don't even know what "The Tonight Show" is.

  • They watch the YouTube channel, though. >>Conan O'Brien: That's good.

  • I like that. Who needs to know what a "tonight show" is

  • anymore. [ Applause ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: (Sobbing) it hurts so much. >>Vic Gundotra: Where are we?

  • It'll get better. >>Conan O'Brien: Anyway, yes.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: This one is from Mike in New York City.

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Are you sure? You want to read that carefully?

  • It's from Mitchell in -- >>Vic Gundotra: I've heard that Mr. Burns

  • was your favorite "Simpson" character to write for.

  • What is your favorite Mr. Burns quote of all time, either written by you or someone else?

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Boy, I don't -- I can't -- don't -- there's not one that comes to

  • mind. >>Vic Gundotra: You want to make one up?

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Well, I guess one of my favorite things that was a repeating joke we did all

  • the time that always made me laugh was that Mr. Simpson [sic], even though he had had

  • hundreds and hundreds of death-defying encounters with Homer Simpson, never remembers who he

  • is. I always love every time Homer is brought

  • into his office, he's like, "Simpson, eh?" And could never remember who he was.

  • My other favorite thing is that we made him impossibly old.

  • We always -- there's an episode, I think that John Swartzwelder wrote, where Mr. Burns wants

  • to play -- assemble his old -- a baseball team, and he wants to assemble a baseball

  • team of ringers. So he's going and saying, "Get Luke Appleby,

  • Morris Brisby," all these people who died in 1905.

  • And he can't believe they're not alive anymore. He was just the most fun person to write for,

  • because he's a comedy writer's fantasy. There's limitless potential for him because

  • he has unlimited wealth and he's as old as time, we can do anything we wanted.

  • He could have chambers deep down underneath his house where he would -- he could be asleep

  • in a hyperbaric chamber when Smithers comes to get him.

  • Whatever we thought of, we could make happen. >>Vic Gundotra: I appreciate your explaining

  • that to me, because if I had to guess what a comedy writer's fantasy would be, I would

  • have gone elsewhere. But thanks.

  • Now I understand. Good character.

  • Let's go else -- let's -- I've apparently left you stunned now.

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Do you interact with this man on a regular basis?

  • [ Laughter ] >>Vic Gundotra: Here's -- I won't even tell

  • who you this is from, except not from me. This is from the audience.

  • Are you interested in working at Google? You can totally have my job exactly five years

  • from today. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: I would take that offer at this point.

  • The way things are going, I would take that offer.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: All right. >>Conan O'Brien: This seems to be a growth

  • industry, so, yes, whoever you are, I'm very interested.

  • Do I get to choose my -- can I bring my own bike here?

  • Is that possible? >>Vic Gundotra: Yes.

  • We would do that. >>Conan O'Brien: Or choose from one of the

  • Willy Wonka bikes? Out in the factory.

  • No, I think you guys are doing something right here at Google, and I'm all in!

  • About stock, how does it work? [ Laughter ]

  • >>Vic Gundotra: We can work that out for you. >>Conan O'Brien: I could get something, I

  • think. >>Vic Gundotra: Plus a custom bike.

  • Somebody taking notes? Okay, good.

  • Okay, can you please do a dance for us, the worm, the sprinkle head at the very least.

  • >>Conan O'Brien: What the hell is this? What am I, a -- seriously, what is this?

  • You guys are so power-mad now at Google. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: You're such entitled A-holes, hey, Conan's in the area, make him come by.

  • Conan, get over here! Get over here before your show, get over here!

  • What do you want, you can have one water. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: We've got a stool for you. Hey, do a dance!

  • Dance around a little bit! Turn around!

  • Let's see your ass! [ Applause ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Yeah, that was pretty good. All right.

  • Hey, you want my job in five years? Maybe I'll give it to you, ha-ha-ha.

  • Get out of here! Go do your show!

  • What's happened you to people? Okay.

  • So about this dance, what do you want? [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: What's that, you want some string dance?

  • >>Vic Gundotra: String -- [ Applause ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ] >>Vic Gundotra: How do I do this?

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Lick your fingers first. >>Vic Gundotra: I can do that.

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Okay. Okay.

  • And a little right here. >>> Whoo!

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Grab the string, right side first.

  • Loosen this up. Loosen that up and then you go like that.

  • Then you have to cut the string. Then if you're feeling really crazy, you can

  • pull up on this one and cut it, pull that one and cut it.

  • And just go to town. >>Vic Gundotra: I like it.

  • I like it. [ Applause ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Come on, speed it up, Conan. I'm late for my hacky sack in the courtyard.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: This is from George, also from New York.

  • Conan, you have the power to change the game on YouTube.

  • What are you waiting for? >>Conan O'Brien: What does he mean, what am

  • I waiting for? Like, clarify, please.

  • >>Vic Gundotra: Unfortunately, George is in New York.

  • >>Conan O'Brien: Oh, okay. I'm not waiting for anything.

  • I'm going with the flow. That's what I'm doing right now.

  • I've been through a transformative event in the last three and a half months, just really

  • nice way of saying I got screwed. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: You have no natural reflex. [ Laughter ]

  • >>Vic Gundotra: Yeah, my wife -- >>Conan O'Brien: They built you here, didn't

  • they? There's some nerd way in the back, "The program's

  • faulty." >>Vic Gundotra: I have to admit --

  • >>Conan O'Brien: It's not reading correctly. >>Vic Gundotra: You're pretty impressive to

  • pick up on that. My wife didn't realize that until after we

  • were married. Okay.

  • Let's -- [ Laughter ]

  • >>Conan O'Brien: We've really got to fix this thing!

  • >>Vic Gundotra: So what sketch have you always wanted to do that wasn't safe for network

  • television? And will you bring it to life on cable?

  • >>Conan O'Brien: I -- wow. Okay.

  • Well, we've had many thoughts over the years about things that we weren't sure we could

  • do. But I have to say, for the most part, I got

  • away with murder. There's this illusion that, oh, you know,

  • the -- these men in suits restrained and shackled Conan.

  • They never really let him grow a beard or do comedy that was weird.

  • And the truth is, because for a long time, for the majority of my career, I was on at

  • 12:35 at night, nobody that I worked for watched my show.

  • [ Laughter ] >>Conan O'Brien: They didn't see it.

  • And so we just ran with it. We just -- I mean, I think about all the things

  • we did over the years that are just completely absurd, obscene, weird.

  • They didn't go through any filter whatsoever. And often, every now and then, they assign

  • a lawyer to watch the show and give us notes. And they were constantly missing the incredibly

  • obscene thing we were doing and giving us notes about pronunciation of something completely

  • unrelated or -- and so there's not a lot that I couldn't do.

  • I think it's more about the tone. I think the tone might change a little bit

  • now. Because, like I say, I've been through this

  • event. And the last three and a half months has been

  • all improvisation. The groundswell of Internet support from a

  • lot of young people that are in this room completely took my network by surprise.

  • They don't know what hit them. They -- I think there's a lot of people in

  • broadcast television that are very dismissive or have been very dismissive about the Internet.

  • And they're also afraid of it. And they tend to deride what they don't understand.

  • So when this explosion happened on the Internet, when they announced that, well, okay, maybe

  • we're going to slide Conan over to accommodate this other gentleman who's having his difficulties

  • in another time period, and I won't get into specifics, you'll have to look it up.

  • [ Laughter ] >>Conan O'Brien: And I said, you know, what,

  • that doesn't really work for me, I think, in a fairly polite way.