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GOOD EVENING EVERYONE.
MY NAME IS JOE WONG.
BUT, TO MOST PEOPLE I AM KNOWN
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
AND THE ANSWER TO MY CREDIT CARD
[LAUGHTER]
YOU ARE LOOKING AT A SIDE AND I
WANT TO REASSURE EVERYBODY THAT
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ARE
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN I WAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL,
AS PART OF THE CURRICULUM, I HAD
TO WORK IN A RICE PADDY RIGHT
NEXT TO A QUARRY WHERE THEY USED
EXPLOSIVE TO BREAK ROCKS.
AND THAT IS WHERE I LEARNED THAT
[LAUGHTER]
WHICH IS ALMOST AS SLOW AS A
[LAUGHTER]
MY DAD WAS A GRUMPY GUY BUT
OCCASIONALLY HE WOULD TRY TO
CHEER ME UP WITH JOKES.
BUT HE DOESN'T DO IT RIGHT.
WHEN I WAS SEVEN 71 DAY HE SAID
TO ME, HERE SON, WHY IS TOFU
BETTER THAN CENTRALIZED
[LAUGHTER]
SO FIVE MINUTES LATER I SAID,
WHY?
[LAUGHTER]
I CAME TO THE UNITED STATES WHEN
I WAS 24 TO STUDY AT RICE
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
UNTIL NOW.
AND I WAS USED TO SEEING CARS
WITH A LOT OF BUMPER STICKERS
OFF.
ONE OF THEM SAID, IF YOU DON'T
[LAUGHTER]
AND I DIDN'T NOTICE FOR TWO
[LAUGHTER]
LIKE MANY OTHER IMMIGRANTS, WE
WANTED OUR SON TO BECOME THE
PRESIDENT OF THIS COUNTRY AND WE
TRY TRIED TO MAKE HIM A LINGUAL,
CHINESE AT HOME AND ENGLISH IN
THE PUBLIC WHICH IS REALLY TOUGH
TO DO BECAUSE MANY TIMES AS I
SAID TO HIM IN PUBLIC, HEY
LISTEN IF YOU DON'T SPEAK
[LAUGHTER]
HE WOULD SAY TO ME HEY DAD, WHY
DO I HAVE TO LEARN TWO
LANGUAGES?
I SAID SUN, ONCE YOU BECOME THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SIGN
LEGISLATIVE BILLS AND ENGLISH
AND TALK TO DEBT COLLECTORS IN
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN I GRADUATED FROM RICE I
DECIDED TO STAY IN THE UNITED
STATES, BECAUSE IN CHINA I CAN'T
DO THAT THING THE THING I DO
[LAUGHTER]
AND IN ORDER FOR ME TO BECOME A
U.S. CITIZEN I HAD TO TAKE
AMERICAN HISTORY LESSONS, WHERE
THEY ASKED US QUESTIONS LIKE,
WHO IS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN?
WE ARE LIKE, THE REASON OUR
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT WAS THE SECOND AMENDMENT?
WE WERE LIKE-- THE REASON OUR
[APPLAUSE]
WHAT IS ROE VERSUS WADE?
TWO WAYS OF COMING TO THE UNITED
[LAUGHTER]
LATER ON, I READ SO MUCH ABOUT
AMERICAN HISTORY THAT I STARTED
[LAUGHTER]
IN AMERICA THEY SAY ALL MEN ARE
CREATED EQUAL BUT AFTER BIRTH,
IT KIND OF DEPENDS ON THE
PARENTS INCOME OR EDUCATION OR
[APPLAUSE]
I READ IN MEN'S HEALTH MAGAZINE
THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA EVERY WEEK
HAS TWO CARDIO DAYS AND TWO
WEIGHTLIFTING DAYS.
YOU SEE I DON'T HAVE TO EXERCISE
[LAUGHTER]
I LIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS NOW,
WHERE WE HAVE UNIVERSAL HEALTH
CARE, THEN WE ELECTED SCOTT
BROWN.
[LAUGHTER]
I THINK THERE WAS A MOVIE ABOUT
HIM.
[LAUGHTER]
I AM HONORED TO MEET VICE
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN HERE TONIGHT
I ACTUALLY READ YOUR
AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
TODAY I SEE YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD RED PIT OR
[LAUGHTER]
SO TO BE HONEST I WAS HONORED TO
BE HERE TONIGHT AND I HAVE
PREPARED FOR MONTHS FOR TONIGHT
SHOW.
I SHOWED MY WIFE -- MATT THE
WHITE HOUSE BY JOKES ABOUT OBAMA
AND THAT IS WHY HE DECIDED NOT
TO COME.
TAKE THAT STEPHEN COLBERT.
PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ALWAYS BEEN
ACCUSED OF BEING TOO SOFT, BUT
HE WAS CONDUCTING TWO WARS AND
THEY STILL GAVE HIM THE NOBEL
PEACE PRIZE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
ACTUALLY, I AM THINKING THE ONLY
WAY YOU CAN BE MORE BAD THAN
THAT IS IF YOU TAKE THE NOBEL
PEACE PRIZE MONEY AND GIVE IT TO
[LAUGHTER]
JOURNAL IS HERE TONIGHT
JOURNALIST HERE TONIGHT WHO I
[LAUGHTER]
BECAUSE I USED TO WRITE FOR THE
CAMPUS NEWSPAPER.
I THINK JOURNALISM IS THE LAST
REFUGE FOR PUNS.
ONLY IN THE NEWSPAPER CAN YOU
SAY THINGS LIKE, I WAS BORN IN
THE YEAR OF THE HORSE AND THAT
[LAUGHTER]
TONIGHT IS MY FIRST TIME ON
C-SPAN, WHICH IS A CHANNEL I
OBVIOUSLY ALWAYS WATCH.
THE SENSATIONALISM AND
[APPLAUSE]
IF I CAN STILL FALL ASLEEP AFTER
WATCHING C-SPAN, THERE IS
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SO I BECAME A U.S. CITIZEN IN
2008, WHICH I AM REALLY HAPPY
[APPLAUSE]
AMERICA IS NUMBER ONE.
THAT IS TRUE.
BECAUSE WE WON THE WORLD SERIES
[LAUGHTER]
AFTER BECOMING A U.S. CITIZEN, I
IMMEDIATELY REGISTERED TO VOTE
FOR OBAMA AND BIDEN.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
THAT WAS THEIR SLOGAN.
SO, AFTER GETTING OBAMA AND
BIDEN ELECTED, I FELT THIS POWER
TRIP.
AND I STARTED TO THINK, MAYBE I
SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT MYSELF.
I HAVE TO TAKE A STEP BACK AND
EXPLAIN A LITTLE BIT, BECAUSE I
HAD ALWAYS BEEN A PESSIMISTIC
GUY.
I FELT THAT LIFE IS KIND OF LIKE
BEING INTO THE SNOW ON A DARK
WINTER NIGHT.
YOU PROBABLY MADE A DIFFERENCE
[LAUGHTER]
NOW WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO IS
HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE.
IT JUST GIVES ME A LOT OF HOPE
BECAUSE I AM HALF NOT LACK IN
[LAUGHTER]
TWO NEGATIVES MAKE A POSITIVE.
YOU MAY BE SAYING HEY, WHAT
WOULD BE YOUR CAMPAIGN SLOGAN?
YOU SEE, I SPENT 10 YEARS IN THE
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY.
I UNDERSTAND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
ARE SUFFERING, SO MY CAMPAIGN
[LAUGHTER]
IF ELECTED I WILL MAKE SAME-SEX
MARRIAGE NOT ONLY LEGAL BUT
[LAUGHTER]
THAT WILL GET ME THE YOUTH VOTE.
YOU SEE I AM MARRIED NOW BUT I
MARRIAGE.
I WAS LIKE WOW, 50% OF ALL
MARRIAGES END UP LASTING
[LAUGHTER]
AND I WILL ELIMINATE
UNEMPLOYMENT IN THIS COUNTRY BY
REDUCING THE PRODUCTIVITY OF THE
AMERICAN WORKFORCE.
SO, TO PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO DO
THE WORK OF ONE, JUST LIKE THE
PRESIDENT AND THE VICE
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
AND DESPITE OUR DISEASE OF
CANCER, MOST AMERICANS DIE OF
NATURAL CAUSES, SO IF ELECTED, I
WILL FIND A CURE FOR NATURAL
[LAUGHTER]
YOU SEEMED TO LIKE THAT ONE.
BUT YOU WON'T BE COVERED BY
HEALTH INSURANCE THOUGH.
BECAUSE OF PREEXISTING
CONDITIONS.
AND I HAVE A QUICK SOLUTION FOR
GLOBAL WARMING.
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS 100 DEGREES AND NOW IT IS
[LAUGHTER]
YOU ARE VERY WELCOME.
AND, I AGREE WITH FOREIGN POLICY
BECAUSE I AM FROM CHINA AND I
[APPLAUSE]
I BELIEVE THAT UNILATERALISM IS
TOO EXPENSIVE, AND OPEN DIALOGUE
IS TOO SLOW, SO IF ELECTED, I
WILL GO WITH TEXT MESSAGING.
I WILL TEXT OUR ALLIES JUST TO
[LAUGHTER]
AND TEXT OUR ENEMIES WHEN THEY
[LAUGHTER]
YOU ARE BUILDING A NUCLEAR
WEAPON?
BUT YOU WERE DOING IT WRONG, LOL
I JUST WANT TO THANKED YOU FOR
HAVING ME HERE TONIGHT IN THIS
IS THE FIRST TIME -- MATT THANK
YOU SO MUCH AND HAVE A VERY GOOD
[APPLAUSE]
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黃西 C-SPAN:Joe Wong at RTCA Dinner

2569 分類 收藏
Josh Chen 發佈於 2013 年 1 月 11 日
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