WE MADE IT.

WE MADE IT THROUGH FEBRUARY.

AND HAPPY TUESDAY.

THIS IS NOT JUST ANY TUESDAY, IT'S SUUPER!

TUESSSDAY!

COULD I GET A REALLY ( BLEEP ) LIKE LOCAL ACCESS CABLE ZOOM IN

AND ZOOM OUT, PLEASE.

SUUUPER!

TUESSSDAY!

IT WAS WORTH IT.

AS WE SPEAK, 13 STATES ARE HOLDING THEIR PRESIDENTIAL

PRIMARIES.

SO MANY DELEGATES ARE AWARDED, IT CAN CHANGE THE COURSE OF AN

ELECTION.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

UNLESS YOU'VE LOOKED AT THE POLLS, IN WHICH CASE, ONE THING

CAN HAPPEN.

THIS IS THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

( APPLAUSE ) >> SMILING, LAUGHING, I'D LIKE

TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE, I'LL TELL YOU.

NOW, WE ACTUALLY TAPE THIS BEFORE THE POLLS CLOSE TONIGHT

SO I STILL DON'T KNOW YET WHO WON OR WHO CARES.

BUT ON THE DEMOCRATIC SIDE, WHILE HILLARY LOOKS POISED

FOR BIG VICTORIES TONIGHT, BERNIE SANDERS HAS PROMISED TO

STAY IN THE RACE FOR ALL 50 STATES.

OR 51, IF YOU COUNT THE STATE OF DENIAL.

BUT THERE COULD BE A SHAKE-UP FOR THE DEMOCRATS BECAUSE IT IS

BEING WIDELY REPORTED THAT THERE IS SOLID, PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF

LINKING HILLARY CLINTON TO A KNOWN TERRORIST ORGANIZATION.

AN EDITOR AT "POLITICO" WAS TIPPED OFF THAT IN HILLARY

CLINTON'S BOOK "LIVING HISTORY," HILLARY INCLUDED THIS PICTURE OF

HER FAMILY IN 1959 WITH THEIR CAT, ISIS!

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

RIGHT THERE!

RIGHT THERE!

IN PRINT!

THAT'S RIGHT, HILLARY CLINTON'S CHILDHOOD CAT WAS NAMED ISIS.

THIS IS THE MOST SHOCKING POLITICAL PET NEWS SINCE JIMMY

CARTER REVEALED HIS CHILDHOOD CAT'S NAME WAS AYATOLLAH

KATMEINI.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, "POLITICO" ISN'T CLAIMING

THAT HILLARY CLINTON NAMED HER CAT AFTER ISIS.

WE HAVE TO LEAVE OPEN THE POSSIBILITY THAT ISIS NAMED

THEMSELVES AFTER HILLARY'S CAT.

WE JUST DON'T KNOW YET.

BUT IT DOES MAKE SENSE, IF YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

CATS HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH ISIS-- THEY'RE BOTH RUTHLESS

KILLERS WHO POOP IN THE SAND.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

ONE ASSUMES.

A LOT OF SAND OUT THERE.

AND, AND, BOTH ISIS AND CATS HAVE FLOODED THE INTERNET WITH

RECRUITMENT VIDEOS.

( LAUGHTER ) AND SUPER TUESDAY IS JUST AS

CRUCIAL FOR THE REPUBLICANS, WHICH IS WHY THINGS GOT SO

HEATED IN THE LAST REPUBLICAN DEBATE, WHICH ACCORDING TO

DONALD TRUMP HE WON HANDS DOWN.

JUST LOOK AT THIS TWEET.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I HAVE NO DOUBT TRUMP HAD A

RAGING HONER.

THANK GOD HE WAS STANDING BEHIND A PODIUM AT THE TIME.

AND REGARDLESS OF WHO WON, I THINK WE ALL LOST.

>> NOW HE'S REPEATING HIMSELF.

HE SAYS FIVE THINGS: EVERYONE IS DUMB.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

WE'RE GOING TO WIN, WIN, WIN.

>> FIRST OF ALL, THIS GUY IS A CHOKE ARTIST AND THAT GUY'S A

LIAR.

>> YOU HAVE A COMBINATION OF FACTORS.

HE CAN'T DO IT FOR THE OBVIOUS REASON, AND HE CAN'T DO IT

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TELL THE TRUTH.

>> Stephen: IT WAS LIKE ULTIMATE FIGHTING BUT WITHOUT THE

SATISFACTION OF SEEING ANY OF THEM GET KICKED IN THE FACE.

( LAUGHTER ) IT GOT SO BAD, AT ONE POINT--

AND THIS IS TRUE-- CNN'S CLOSED CAPTIONS FOR THE DEBATE JUST

SAID "UNINTELLIGIBLE YELLING."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT I WANT TO ASSURE THE

HEARING IMPAIRED YOU DID NOT MISS ANYTHING.

"UNINTELLIGIBLE YELLING" IS WHAT YOU GOT EVEN WHEN TRUMP WAS THE

ONLY PERSON TALKING.

NOW, THE GUY ESTABLISHMENT REPUBLICANS ARE COUNTING ON TO

TAKE TRUMP DOWN IS MARCO RUBIO, WHO, UNFORTUNATELY, IS TRAILING

IN EVERY SUPER TUESDAY RACE AND IS BEHIND TRUMP EVEN IN HIS HOME

STATE OF FLORIDA BY ALMOST 20 POINTS.

HE'S LOSING ALL THE KEY FLORIDA DEMOGRAPHICS-- THE ELDERLY,

THE FURRIES, AND GUYS IN JEAN JACKETS WHO SELL POOL NOODLES

OUT OF A VAN.

BUT RUBIO IS NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT.

>> HE DOESN'T SWEAT BECAUSE HIS PORES ARE CLOGGED FROM THE SPRAY

TAN THAT HE USES.

HE'S FLYING AROUND ON "HAIR FORCE ONE" AND TWEETING "DONALD

IS NOT GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT.

HE'S GOING TO MAKE AMERICA ORANGE."

THEN HE ASKED FOR A FULL-LENGTH MIRROR.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BECAUSE THE PODIUM GOES UP TO HERE, BUT HE

WANTED A FULL LENGTH MIRROR.

MAYBE TO MAKE SURE HIS PANTS WEREN'T WET.

I DON'T KNOW.

DONALD TRUMP LIKES TO SUE PEOPLE.

HE SHOULD SUE WHOEVER DID THAT TO HIS FACE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S MY TIME.

GOOD NIGHT!

DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR WAIT RIS!

( APPLAUSE ) AND TIP YOUR CANDIDATE.

THIS COULD WORK.

INSULT COMEDY IS A TIME-HONORED POLITICAL STRATEGY.

WHO CAN FORGET THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS WHEN ABRAHAM LINCOLN

FAMOUSLY DECREED, "GENERAL LEE'S MOTHER IS SO FAT, WE COULD KEEP

THE UNION TOGETHER WITH ONE OF HER BELTS."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

RUBIO IS GOING FULL RICKLES ON TRUMP, AND HE IS NOT AFRAID TO

AIM LOW.

>> I ADMIT HE IS TALLER THAN ME.

HE IS 6'2", WHICH IS WHY I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HIS HANDS ARE THE

SIZE OF SOMEONE WHO IS 5'2".

HAVE YOU SEEN HIS HANDS?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT MEN WITH SMALL HANDS?

YOU CAN'T TRUST 'EM, YOU CAN'T TRUST 'EM.

>> Stephen: HEY, THAT'S TOO FAR!

THAT IS-- NO WAY!

NO, WAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRISSY

TEIGEN.